|DRD||May 19, 2013, 11:55 am|
|what the hell, why are you down. i need you babe... DRD i need to host files! god dammit. i relied on you, why are you down, god dammit!|
|Jimmydrama||May 19, 2013, 7:08 am|
Obligatory tl;dr warning.
Family drama just seems to be mounting over here as of late, and I'm just wanting desperately to get away from it all.
Right now, my mum is the only person I can stand. She has seemingly no unlikeable qualities whatsoever and is an absolute saint to all of us. I love her dearly.
My dad, meanwhile, has recently become a ticking time-bomb of rage. If someone dares to speak while he's on a train of thought (ie. all the time because actually he never seems to stop talking) then he'll either passive-aggressively shut up, and just stew in raging silence for the rest of the day... or take out all his frustration on all of us, to the point where he thinks we all hate him and are bored by his very existence. He has some serious demons that none of us can reasonably deal with, because he lets them develop into hideous cancerous thoughts about the world around him that can't be shifted. This came to be obvious to me some time last year when, after I'd become rather frustrated with his constant negative outlook on things, he stayed up all night typing a 2,500 word "letter" detailing how I was an ungrateful little shit who didn't appreciate any of the hard work he'd ever done for me. I don't have said letter any more, but it was the most upsetting thing in the world to read. His thoughts started out fairly honest and reasonable and I initially agreed with how I may have said some wrong things to him, but those thoughts rapidly degenerated into utter madness. I could tell he'd just thought, "James is a bit of a bastard sometimes", when he'd started, but he'd just allowed increasingly fetid and horrible untruths about me and the argument we'd had to spiral out of control from that one thought, and he condensed all of that vitriol into 2,500 terrible words. I spent the whole day feeling wrecked, staying in my room away from him, and seeing no alternative but to write a rebuttal, which amounted to 4,000 words and I had to show him the following day because I spent so long on it.
I realize this all sounds incredibly pathetic. And that things could be much worse, like he could threaten me/the rest of us with actual violence, but the fact remains that it's not normal for my dad to be able to harbor such horrible thoughts so easily, and the way he deals with those thoughts is always so incredibly detached from reality. Could he not just, like, get into an actual argument with me? That honestly would've been preferable.
Meanwhile, my brother seems to be getting increasingly bipolar. Most of the time he's just astoundingly silly and loud, and can be heard at almost any time of the day loudly regurgitating quotes from YouTube videos, or yelling at his TF2 teammates. He also animates with Flash occasionally (which he's still learning), and does voice-overs for other people on a voice-acting board. But even though he has all these things he loves doing, and does them, every week or so we see him drag himself out of bed utterly depressed and then require a lecture on self-improvement from my dad, which won't really reach a conclusion, but will definitely bring up how he's "afraid of success" and all sorts of other stupid bollocks. Neither me or my brother currently go to school or have jobs, so we have all the free time necessary to make whatever we want of ourselves. I'm doing what I love (making music and moving towards finishing our EP) but it's as if he doesn't like doing what he loves, as weird as that sounds. I think he sees it all as work, so he procrastinates chronically. He'll also get upset at the smallest things (like people not putting the biscuit packets back in the cupboard properly - seriously) and make a massive deal out of them. And most alarmingly, today at the dinner table he revealed that he'd been dealing with homicidal thoughts that occurred because people (i.e. us) had the gall to be in his room and he wanted to be alone. But those thoughts were gone now and it was over and not worth worrying about (bizarrely, my dad concurred with this). I'm like, "no, that's actually quite disturbing" - I seriously worry about his mental well-being, sometimes, and this just compounded my concern.
Both these things collided a couple of nights ago when my brother, outraged at how a pack of biscuits hadn't been put back properly, interrupted my dad. At that point I had a bit of an "oh, fuck" moment, because my dad got this look that I can't really describe. After my brother had made a royal song-and-dance about the biscuits, my mum tried to steer the subject back to my dad had been talking about (something actually important, related to our financial position) but he took this as another interruption in the flow of the conversation, and just exploded. He was swearing and throwing insults and making up stuff about what we thought of him, like how he was incompetent and forgetful (he made this shit up on the spot but he believed it!). He has since apologized for the outburst and tried to make amends, but parts of his tirade still hang in my mind, namely how he was so convinced that we all thought he was worthless and boring and stupid, and how when he gets into these moods he can't be reasoned with.
[Rough translation of how it went:]
"You all think I'm boring and worthless."
"No, we don't."
"See? And now you think I'm wrong and a liar."
"No, stop being childish."
"FUCK OFF AND LET ME SPEAK. [insert uninterrupted 4000-word argument here]"
At the end of all this we were all (him included) emotionally drained and thoroughly upset, most of all him because he managed to divert the subject by saying (through tears at this point) that he wanted me and my brother to be successful and not have to work in a boring office job, which is his absolute worst nightmare ever. (This relates back to how he was talking about money before my brother brought up the fucking biscuits.) You may remember that I actually wanted to get a boring 9-to-5 job of that sort at some point because I just wanted to motivate myself to do better and also get some independent financial reward... but that still hasn't happened. And now it looks like if it does, my dad will see himself as a failure of a father.
For some reason my dad's currently talking with his mum on Skype about what happened two nights ago. Which means he's going to dredge up all the emotional turmoil from what happened and get his mum to give her input, which I can't see panning out well because she's likely just going to get him all riled up again. I really hope she doesn't, because for the most part she's really nice, but does have a bit of a habit of unwittingly stirring up a good deal of family drama.
The truth of the matter is, my dad has been on a bazillion self-improvement seminars, during which he's tried to find happiness through all sorts of neuro-linguistic programming, and even religion. But he's still the same person underneath, just unable to really emote like a normal human being. I think he's beyond therapy of any sort and it'll just be another waste of expenses. I doubt that my brother would fare any better, because they just have those kinds of brains that don't take kindly to change of routine of any sort, and just gradually reform back to their original twisted ways again. I really feel like it's autism... because honestly my brother and I had to have inherited our Asperger's Syndrome-esque tendencies from somewhere. (My brother seems to still be affected by it, but I think I've "grown past" my "borderline-AS" diagnosis now.)
Honestly, because I want to help, but feel powerless to, it's getting to the point where I just want to be away from this family. Move. Run away. It's looking increasingly like a preferable option. I don't want to have to deal with people who are so detached from reality they see goddamn biscuits as being the worst thing in the world. It's just driving me mad, and compounding the fact that I don't feel like I live like a healthy human being in a healthy family environment.
I'm sorry for the long post you probably don't care about. I just had to get this bile out somewhere.
|Making a Tesla coil||May 17, 2013, 9:04 pm|
|I just got a 15 KV neon sign transformer, so of course now the only thing to do with it is hurry up and assemble a Tesla coil! Does anyone here have any experience with them? I'm not looking for advice, I've got the whole internet for that, I'm just looking for personal feedback. I'm really excited to see this thing up and running.|
|I Partook in a Podcast + Other Stuff of Late||May 17, 2013, 5:32 pm|
Yo Doomworld. Been while since I did one of these blog thingamajigs, but there's been a few fun events going on in my life of late... Well, mostly just small-scale stuff, but whatever. Activities a'happening:
-Firstly, I've been partaking in a podcast known as In the Name of Game, which is basically a couple of gamers getting together and shooting the shit about the latest 'n greatest of videogame news. I've become something of a 'substitute host' for whenever one of the normal 4 aren't available, and it's a good time. Feel free to listen if you want. If not, that's cool too.
-I'll be taking a vacation to my hometown of St. Louis, MO from May 25th to June 2nd. I'll be hitting up all of the craft-breweries that have sprouted up in that area that weren't there way back when (Civil Life, Perennial, Urban Chestnut, etc.). Should be fun.
-Progress is happening on UR, but it's happening at the pace of a snail in molasses. Hope it's done around mid-October. I'll make it happen.
-Started playing System Shock 2. I've never played this whole way through before. Very promising start though, to say the least. Looking forward to getting through this game and finally having the experience I should have had years ago.
-Editing my screenplay draft for the final time. I don't have unrealistic expectations about making money from this, but it's something I've always wanted to do and am satisfied to finally done so. If anything were to come from it, it'd be the whipped cream on my morning coffee.
Soooo yeah, that's my life of late. Last I checked, there were no STL Doomers, but I do know there are System Shock fans out there and I'd like to politely request you don't post any spoilers.
Like I said lots of little, but for me personally, interesting things going on. Feel free to comment on anything. I'm sure I'll have plenty to babble about during/after my trip to STL.
|UAC Ultra 2 diaries||May 17, 2013, 3:36 pm|
I want to preface this blog by saying that this isn't a means of responding to everyone's reactions to it, and I'm not posting this for more detailed feedback. At this risk of sounding like a cry for attention, I'm hoping this is interpretted the way I intended it and less like "PLEASE LIKE MY MAPS!!" I'm just laying out my thoughts on how the first episode panned out and how the results were different than what I expected. This is helpful for me as a mapper, to spell this out for me to review during times of need, instead of letting it dwell in my mind, abstaining me from moving forward.
I believe I was successful in creating what many of my listeners said were overly ambitious. I created levels that could be played in single player, cooperative and deathmatch. I designed the maps to play quite differently in all skill levels, with each skill level optimized to a different style of gameplay per player. All done, without reducing the volume of monsters that appear in each map. I designed the levels with a high volume of large secrets to heavily expand the gameplay if the player so chooses. I also designed the levels with many different possible routes to the exit, so that coop players could spread out and attack the same monsters from different angles, and in Nightmare, respawning hordes of monsters wouldn't crowd up hallways, blocking the only paths the player can take. This was also exciting to me as the designer, as with almost every demo I watched, the players each had a different approach to each map, none of which matching my usual runs. It seemed almost every player had a different experience, even though most of them conceded on it being rather boring.
Watching the demos of my players in my maps was infuriating at times. The way many of the players skulked around corners, picked off monsters from a safe distance, and played highly defensively was absurd to me. It appeared as though they were expecting any step to activate the trap that jumps out and slits their throat. Like the use of light monsters was supposed to lead up to something deadly. When truthfully, I wanted my players to play highly aggressively, utilize all their weapons, ration out their ammo, and crash through this thing. Instead, players weren't very observant of the ammo items, were hesitant to press onward, and resorted to infighting to conserve ammunition. With six levels with the same style of gameplay, where players were quite obviously missing the point, I couldn't help but scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" while watching some of the demos people made for me, as they simply wandered around crowds of monsters, even while carrying powerful weapons and tons of ammo, and unintentionally ignoring the hitscanners that devastated them. Apparently distracted by the array of directions to choose from, which was the type of gameplay I designed the easier skill levels for. I was expecting people to approach these levels with the same aggressive enthusiasm as they would Knee-Deep in the Dead, or Hell Revealed 2. From my observations it looks as though the foreboding atmosphere and lack of highly threatening monsters implied a different method of gameplay, and the players obliged.
I was beginning to be concerned that with a game as black and white as Doom, that people seem to have a need to be told what to do, and that even with an increasing demand for non-linearity in the Doom community, it's the levels that pit the player in situations where "the only way out is through" are the most successful. It became increasingly depressing as I wondered how the creator of Garry's Mod might feel, after creating a mod designed for infinite possibilities, the majority of it's player base uses it to show off Gman making silly faces.
It was comforting when I retreated to my playtesters to ask where I went wrong, and they responded that I have successfully created levels that were perfect for the type of player that I am, and that what is perfect to me may sound good on paper, but in practice, it is so specific to my own taste that it's discouraging when another player, even one who does like the same gameplay as I do, has a mild disagreement with it, especially with a brand name that people will play with specific expectations. Just give it time.
I hope time is all that it is, but it feels as though my time is up now that UAC Ultra 2 is residing in post hell. I still have hopes that after UAC Ultra 2 is completed, that players may recognize its beauty and how careful I was at designing it after playing and replaying it a few times. That is, if they can reserve the strength to give it a second chance even after it left them with a sour taste in their mouth the first time around. Who knows how long that will take. It may take decades to even consider playing UAC Ultra 2 in Nightmare coop or in Deathmatch. And I could simply be completely full of myself to be expecting that, especially when a quick sadistic zinger at the end of my opening post is all it takes put its credibility in ruins for most people. But I certainly hope not.
I'm hesitant to move right on to making the rest of UAC Ultra 2. Even though I have set high standards for myself, along with any doom level designer, I'm in full confidence that I can create the amazing Doom experiences that I can envision in my head. I'm just concerned whether I can successfully design something that will appeal to the types of people that enjoyed Speed of Doom, Alien Vendetta, Scythe 2, and the Memento Mori's without compromising the goals I set for myself in the first place, especially because many of the scenarios that appear in these wads cannot be recreated without a UV-only like design. It will take a lot of careful planning to make them work in the many game modes I wish to appeal to, and simultaneously create a unique and fun experience for the people that won't play in anything other than UV. I'm taking my time with it, but I refuse to ship out a rushed product, and can assure that every map that appears in the completed megawad will have to endure a cruel and severe level of quality control monitored by myself.
|The welcome back Prower MEGATHREAD||May 17, 2013, 1:08 pm|
|Welcome back prower|
|It finally happened||May 15, 2013, 7:12 am|
Dwayne Johnson just raised his eyebrow at me.
Join me in celebrating this momentous and auspicious occasion, Doomworld.
|devin townsend's drummer thinks I am a bit of a cunt.||May 11, 2013, 7:27 pm|
was at the retinal circus in london last year, specifically to see the retinal circus show. As a side note, do not drink the water in london; it tastes like someone else's kidneys. Anyway, the show was fantastic and, being a fucking humongous alcoholic, I decided to go to the afterparty and get smashed, perhaps meet my heroes and generally be a cool dude.
The afterparty was in a complete cesspit music-basement with a bar upstairs that only sold beer in tins. There was a suspicious lack of people at the place; not knowing london, I cursed and asked the bouncer if this was the DTP after-party and if so where the hell was it all going down?
Bouncer says downstairs, third door on the right.
So off I go with my friends and GF in tow, clutching half a crate of ridiculously overpriced beer with the intention of getting completely mashed. The room to which we were directed was, if anything, even more of a dump than the rest of the bar; green wallpaper hanging off the walls, shitty leopardskin sofas. No one else is there - we must be early.
We set up camp; already half ruined from the gig, the tins of beer stand no chance. The empties begin to pile up. An hour passes and there is still no sign of this fabled afterparty. More beer is bought and consumed.
A lot more.
About an hour and a half into our epic drinking binge my GF taps me on the shoulder; a few girls have just walked in, and my GF thinks they are from the choir in the show. I scoff at this notion and continue to get completely wrecked.
Two hours in and I am *drunk*. And, through the miraculous alchemy of beer, I am starting to put two and two together. Something here is not right; the green wallpaper, the faux leopardskin couches... what the fuck sort of shitass music basement has couches like that?
There are empty tins everywhere. We have split beer everywhere. Our shit is spread from pillar to post. The girls from the maybe-choir are giving us some serious evils.
It is at this exact moment that two things happen; the band members walk into the room and, simultaneously, I realize that we have invaded their fucking dressing room.
The drummer is HUGE.
Lesson to be learned from this - there is something worse than meeting your heroes and finding out they are complete cunts. Imagine meeting your heroes and finding out that they think you are a complete cunt.
It is my secret shame.
|Just lost my old cat Tessie today.||May 10, 2013, 10:49 pm|
I have just said goodbye to my old cat Tessie today. She had an injury from fighting a cat and a large abscess on her chest. She had an infection and the only thing that I could do was have her put down. This sucks; but I still have Bitney and her one kitten to play with so this is not as bad; but I feel bad today though. I need some cheering up.
I could have kept her and given her antibiotics; but she was not eating or drinking so it would have been too cruel.
A photo of Tessie: https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd....530746412_o.jpg.
|Doom Den Boys Never Die||May 10, 2013, 10:56 am|
|Just wanted to blow my own trumpet me and 14 other guys get together every 3 weeks and have a Lan set up in 2 containers at the rear of my house we mostly play farcry as i need to spend time getting doom set up as we all play different controls i will post pics off container set up laters.|