|Worrying too much? or is this normal?||November 21, 2014, 5:00 pm|
I am not entirely sure if this is entirely normal behaviour but I have noticed something over the years. Most mornings, I get up, have my shower, get ready etc. I check most rooms in the house with my phone light thoroughly and I leave the house, lock the door and end up coming back within seconds to double check if it is locked. Later, going about my daily business as usual, I worry that the house might get broken into and keep having thoughts about it I also worry at night when I am asleep if someone's in the house sometimes causing me to wake up at some points of the night (mostly due to an event that resulted last year when some repeatedly knocked on the door past 2 in the morning and kept trying the door hand, this also happened to my old teacher a few weeks back). At work recently, I have noticed that I only feel comfortable asking questions to certain people at work and yet I still rarely ask my boss or anyone else who is near me I always go towards the people I know or wait for them to come back if they have gone. Now, this has been natural for me for a few years, but it has never interrupted much in the name of social activities although nowadays, I don't tend too leave the house as much. I recently lied about not being able to attend my cousins birthday as I am worried about my dad being there amongst other people I haven't met. Now I have only recently put two and two together and it feels like I am not me anymore. I have been thinking about going to see a doctor but I did that the other week in response to bad stomach pains which appeared to be nothing at all (according to the doctor) so now I am a bit anxious to book an appointment in case it appears to be nothing.
Does anyone else experience this? I know it's an odd thing to be mentioning on a forum of all places, but now it feels like I am stuck in an endless loop and unable to do much, but I also have this feeling buried deep in my head that I should just continue and think not bother other people about it. Including my own parents.
|20 as of today||November 19, 2014, 7:23 pm|
today I celebrated a rather tranquil birthday today. that's nice, I don't need fancy parties and stupid surprises. this morning I finished a game with Doom in the title that I started about two weeks ago (any guesses?). then I had to do a presentation in humanities (I picked my birthday for the due date because that's a day I can actually remember) before actually inviting my parents to a dinner. at least I'm no longer in my teens so that's cool. definitely had a better birthday than my last one where I was severely depressed and I pissed off my mother so much she left home in spite. tomorrow I'll celebrate my friend's birthday in which he is going to be 18, so that's important for him.
so far so good I guess. no fucked-up thoughts at the moment. I've been thinking about where the heck I'll end up in the next few years, hopefully going to a full 4-year uni that supports CSC classes well. and then try to find the right job for the computer majors.
also I found out that Huy Pham shares my birth date, so happy birthday to him too.
|TL;DR Problems with Education||November 17, 2014, 8:33 pm|
I know someone, somewhere who's undoubtedly got it worse off than me would probably read this and laugh at me for thinking that I've got "real" problems, but I need to get this shit out of my system.
For the past couple of months I've been dealing with quite a bit of depression and anxiety. A lot of it has to do with school. There's a couple of other factors, but they're pretty insignificant by comparison. Anyways, how many of you are aware of the International Baccalaureate? A quick google search will bring up thousands of people who describe it as something akin to "A fancy euphemism for Hell." They weren't kidding.
I'm already taking 6 of the hardest classes that my school has to offer, which I could probably deal with if that was all. The thing that's really driving me up the wall is a 7th non-class that they call Center Of The Hexagon. So in addition to the heaviest workload I've had in my entire life (including actually having a real job), I have to write two extra essays (The EE, which is 2,000-4,000 words long over a chosen topic and the TOK essay that's 1,200-1,600 words long over a prescribed title that makes no sense) and do 150 hours of community service. Think about that for a moment. Getting caught driving drunk would net less mandatory community service hours.
By now you're probably wondering "If you're so miserable with this system, why not drop it and go with AP or something?" Well, not only would that mean I'd be wasting 3.5 years worth of effort but I'd also be blowing my chances for the biggest financial advantage that I could ever hope for in my entire life barring the Rolling Cash 5 jackpot (which ain't happening). I've been going to this school for 4 straight years, so if I get accepted to Oberlin College then they'll pay my tuition. There's no way that my family and I would be able to afford something like that on our own, and we're already living significantly less than extravagantly. The staff has told me that at least 2 students last year got turned down for not taking the hardest classes, and that they're looking for IB diploma candidates (Take note for later that I said CANDIDATES, not graduates). This is my last-ditch effort at reaching above the bar for acceptance, and it's killing me.
The one thing I've done 100% right is getting a 30 on my ACT. My GPA is a 3.0 cumulative (because I didn't care freshman year and the flu killed my grades sophomore year) and a 3.3 so far senior year. I had straight As with the exception of 1 B and 1 D+. Why do I have a D+, you ask? There was one 100 point project that was worth 40% of my grade for the quarter in Environmental Studies that I turned in later than the 3-day grace period they gave me after being incapacitated for a few days by sickness. I had been turning in "A" work that entire class, and even that assignment was "A" work, but because it was late they gave me 50% and pulled my grade down from a B+ to a D+. That single-handedly brought my GPA down below the college's average right there. If I want to have a shot, I really need to focus all my efforts on getting my grades up this quarter. The problem is that I can't do that and keep ahead on my Center of the Hexagon shit at the same time. I already gave it all I had last quarter and they still fucked me.
However, I've been doing some thinking, and what's really the point of focusing on Center Of The Hexagon at all when it has no effect on my GPA and by the time any college knows whether I actually got an IB diploma or failed the Diploma Program and just got a regular one I'll have already either been accepted or denied in advance? Every single college I've looked at says they're looking for IBDP CANDIDATES, not actual recipients of an IB diploma. Even if I fail Center Of The Hexagon and end up with a normal high school diploma, I still took the hardest classes they had to offer and the colleges wouldn't know any different. However, if I go up front and drop it altogether so that I can focus on my other work then I'll technically no longer be an IBDP candidate.
I'm faced with a bit of an existential crisis here. I just wish I could know in advance which path would lead to me getting accepted (or if all of my options right now lead to failure) so that I could stop agonizing about it already and just know where my efforts need to lie and power through it all. It's tearing me apart inside even though it probably shouldn't be.
Does anyone have any advice before I completely lose it and end up doing something stupid that I'll regret later?
|No longer a virgin to it||November 16, 2014, 7:30 pm|
I can say I am no longer a virgin to pot now, I'm not that high but it was a nice experience to smoke a little bit with one of my brothers who I found smokes it.
ITT: Against rules to post that I first tried it?
|My dog owns me||November 14, 2014, 4:28 am|
I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I've never really been a dog person until I met my wife. I've grown up with cats for most of my life and she's infatuated with puppies, so when we moved in together I became part owner of her dog. Until I've gotten more accustomed to her dog, I was always bothered by the way dogs bark and shout and jump all over you the instant you walk into a dog owners home. I'e grown to be more accepting of it as time passes, and to my surprise most people who've owned dogs or are best friends with a dog owner are too. But sometimes it makes guests uncomfortable.
Speaking of making people uncomfortable, my dog tends to make excessive eye contact as a way of getting attention. Naturally she follows me anywhere in the house I go. I think in part due to her separation anxiety, she needs to constantly be informed where I am at all times. I've kinda just adapted to it, but lately I'm beginning to suspect that she is learning that this is a tactic she can use to get what she wants.
I walk my dog every morning at 5:30am. It's the first thing I do when I wake up besides put on pants and shoes. It chills her out for most of the day and keeps her from doing things like peeing in the house or digging in the trash when my wife and I are out of the house. At 5:30am, It's dark and quiet and free from distractions and beats the neighbors who walk their dogs in the morning too, so my dog doesn't get all riled up and start yanking on the leash and trying to pull me around. I don't have any tolerance for that shit so I usually shorten the length of her walks if she starts acting up to keep her in line. After about the usual 45 minutes of walking her, I get home and take a shower, get dressed, then drive my wife to work, then I drive to my college classes. That's my morning routine almost every morning.
One morning I didn't have to go to school or work and chose to sleep in. At the time I woke up, around 9:00am or so, I went downstairs to watch some TV. As I was laying on the couch my dog, simply walking around in circles around the house as she usually does sits right in front of me on the couch and just looks at me. Unsure, I started petting her head, scratching her back, playing with one of her toys, but these only seem to distract her for a minute and the instant I stop she's back to sitting 6 inches away from my face staring at me with her big ol eyes wide open, occasionally making a quiet drone or moaning sound or something. This is annoying evil cat behavior except with the way my dog is, I find her exhibiting this kinda behavior to be much more noticeable and awkward. I think because cats have a way of acting where sometimes you're not even sure they are aware you exist, while my dog is always constantly alert of my whereabouts and responds to everything I do. I can't focus on the TV show and she continues making me uncomfortable, so against my will I take her outside for a walk in the afternoon in the hopes it would calm her down.
It works and she chills out for most of the day. At least until the next morning. I guess in excitement for going on these morning walks, she's awake earlier than I am. Sometimes I will wake up before my alarm goes off with my dog apparently staring directly into my eyes while I'm sleeping. Only inches away from my face, occasionally making that stupid moan noise, I accept the fact that with my dog's eyes fixated on me the entire time, and sitting invasively in my personal space, close enough that I can almost feel her breath when she exhales from her nostrils, that I'm not going to feel anymore refreshed trying to sleep during the remaining hour before my alarm goes off than if I just wake up now. This is becoming a daily affair and I'm beginning to suspect she's learning to do this conciously as a way to make me nervous and uncomfortable and give in to any of her demands.
Today I woke up at 3:30am. What do?
|I have an album out!||November 13, 2014, 5:57 pm|
Hey everyone, for anyone who doesn't know me I contributed a bunch of music tracks to Speed of Doom, Resurgence, and a few to several other wads (btsx e1/e2, pl2, cc4, reverie, interception, etc.)
Well, I've been at work on a (non-doom related) album for a few months now, and I finally released it. It's mostly orchestral, in a kind of mix between classical and new age styles. Give it a listen! :)
|What's with all the MLP hate?||November 10, 2014, 1:38 pm|
It appears every time I mention MLP anywhere at doomworld I get into a little fight for mentioning them.
What's so bad in MLP that breaks your nerves? The fandom? The big eyes?
Not to mention my threads that get immediate hatered, and get PH'd right away.
|Why she never called back||November 8, 2014, 11:12 am|
Someone else's ditched after 4 dates story reminded me of my own story from 8 years ago. Rather than derail his thread, I'm posting my own.
8 years ago, I dated a woman for 10 days and I think we had 8 dates. Maybe it was 6 dates over 8 days. I met her friends, she met mine, really quick. We went to movies, bowling, mini golfing, dinners, a night cruise to see fireworks, and so on. I took her to parties, she took me to foggy beaches at midnight. She panicked in the darkness of walking through the woods. I panicked when she took me on a giant Ferris wheel and I had an issue with heights back then. I calmed her, she calmed me. I met her daughter.
Then before the ninth date, she randomly she said she was sick. I was directly outside of her house in the driveway to pick her up. She didn't care. Usually sick = I've lost interest. I tried talking to her the next four days.
She never talked to me ever again. I was really shocked. To help me get over it and not harass her, I deleted her number off my phone.
2 years later, I had a date with someone that said she felt like she knew me or had met me someplace else. It was a one date sort of thing. It was a dull date. Two guys tried hitting on her. She was a stripper. Two weeks later, she sent me a text, she knew why I felt so familiar. Its because her cousin dated me for a week.
Once she told me who the cousin was, I asked why the cousin never talked to me again. She explained that the cousin liked me way too much and it made her ex / baby daddy angry. Why does that matter? He's a loan shark that threatened to start fucking with my life, so she opted to not have me in her life to spare me the drama.
The date told me the cousin only dated me for a week but still talked about me up to 2 years later. She said that the cousin said I was a vacation from life's drama. I guess at the time of dating her, she did mention how rich her ex was and she got caught up in the money and didn't realize what a horrible person he was. A lot of people emphasize how awful exes were. I assume it was one of those things.
She wanted to give me her cousin's number saying 'you two should give it another shot, her ex is in prison now, because she testified against him for having someone murdered.' Nah, two years had gone by. I'd rather have a fantastic memory of 10 days than risk anything going wrong. Plus she could have just been fucking with me, but she knew a lot of details.
Now that its 8 years later, I saw her in line with her now adult kid waiting for a haunted house. It looked as if she had gained 100 lbs. If not more. It was like her face and hair were exactly the same, just with a really overweight body. Her accent really sticks out from the typical Chicago accent to really confirm its her without asking. Her kid looked the same, even now as an adult. Another way to confirm its her without asking.
|Oblivious 8/10 black girl blows me off on 4th(ish) date||November 7, 2014, 12:37 pm|
I started dating this 8/10 black girl (22 y/o) about a month ago. We slept together 3 times and it was pretty great. I work regular hours and she works retail, so our schedules don't match that often.
Anyway, Thursday was her day off, so she asks me Wednesday if I want to do something Thursday night. I say sure. Thursday afternoon she texts saying that her phone is dying and she wants to know where to meet I'm case she can't contact me. I text back 715 at my apartment building and she says ok.
I wait at the front doors at 710. Eventually 8pm comes and there's no sign of her and no text. I bail back to my apartment. I'm pretty ticked off, but I'm thinking that maybe her phone is dead and she forgot where I live. Still, who has an entire day off and yet can't charge their phone?
Here is the series of texts that took place.
8:08 Not OK
Her 8:57 Sorry I can't make it
8:59 What is not okey
9:13 You decided to text me just now letting me know? I could have done other things
Her 9:53 Is okey if I come after 30 muny
9:53 My sister gave me the night off (sidenote: her story is that she has to sleep in the same bed with her sister every night because her sister's husband is in another city looking for a job and her sister doesn't want to sleep alone)
Her 9:53 Is up u
Her 9:53 I am sorry I had a lot to do (She calls twice, I just let it ring)
Her 10:04 I am outside pick up the phone (sidenote: apparently she showed up thinking she could get a booty call)
I'm at work
Her 11:10 Hi are mad me
Her 11:10 Can I see u before I star work (sidenote: we work at the same mall. That's how we met.)
Her 11:12 How many time I have apology
Her 11:12 I told my phone was dead
Needless to say this biotch is dead to me. It just floors me that anyone can be so immature and oblivious to think that blowing off a date and disrespecting someone's time like that is in any way OK. It's like this behavior is completely normal to her and no guy has called her on this bullshit behavior.
So yeah, I plan on going NC and ignoring all contact from her. Maybe girls can get away with disrespecting other dudes like that, but not me. I'm curious to see what her future attempts to contact me entail, and if there are any I'll post them here.
|HTML error||November 7, 2014, 5:54 am|
Styles aren't applied to the text. Why?