Comical Quotes

Heh - teh funnical merchandise! What are the funniest 'slogans' you've seen on products? Whether it be bumper stickers, t-shirts or haemorroid cream - TELL!

Like...

'I used up all my sick days, so i called in DEAD'
'The liver is evil and must be punished'
'You're just jealous 'cause the little voices are talking to me'
'Erotic is using Feathers. Kinky is using the whole chicken'
'I'm naturally blonde - please speak slowly'
'Save a cow - Eat a vegetarian'
'I like your boyfriend. I want your boyfriend. I've had your boyfriend'

These are all on some t-shirts I found out of a catalog called "Things you never knew existed":

"It's only funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious!"

"I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot."

"Save the trees. Wipe your ass with an owl."

"Why even bother with marriage? Just find a woman who drives you nuts
and buy her a house."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."

"I've upped my standards. UP YOURS!"

"Lead me not to temptation, I can find it myself."

"5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions."


I'd give you more if my mom didn't go on a cleaning spree and pitched it.

Edit: I think I remember a few more-

"If everyone were affected by computer games like pacman, then everyone would be running around, eating magic pills, and listening to monotonous, repetitive music."

" The voices in my head say they don't like you."

"STFU" -I still think this is kinda dumb (getting away with it in school?)

"You say PSYCHO like it's a bad thing."

These three are from the same kid. Go figure. FOUR DAMMIT WHY CANT I COUNT DAMMITDAMMITCRAP!!!!! :P

I've only got one but here it goes:

"These are my principles and if you don't like'm I've got others!"

A few more that just sprang to mind...

'Fresh from detox'
'I'd rather be spanking the monkey'
'Real men eat pussy'
'If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my fingers'
'Rehab is for quitters'
'You say Psycho like it's a bad thing'
'One by one the penguins steal my sanity'
'I see dumb people'
'Don't make me get my flying monkeys'

And my personal favourite :

'I'm only wearing black until they invent a darker colour'

Ok, can't think of many...

"Jesus is coming, look busy"
"sex for cash"
"A little pain never hurt anyone"

"Bacteria is the only culture some people have."

"You`re unique, and so is everyone else!"

"Life`s a party, to which I`m not invited."

these all sound like t-shirts.

how bout this one from a t-shirt.

"g_ f_ck y_ _rs_lf! would you like to buy a vowel?"

or these

"New York, where the weak are killed and eaten."

"top ten thing men know about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. they have boobs!"

"I love every bone in your body - especially mine!"

a personal favorite T-shirt is one i have, it has Doom on the front and Id on the back...
i got one that has a kid choking a chicken on the front, on the back is the same kid with dark glasses and a cane, below him say "you'll go blind"

i have a post and a shirt that say on the front F.B.I. below it is a picture of a beaver. on the back it says "Federal Beaver Investigator" with a guy looking at a beaver

These arent all from T-shirts and such, but I think they have some comical value to them, some in which I made up myself :D...

"Wanna play War? its the game where you lay back and I blow the hell outta you."

"I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day"

"You, Me, Hand-cuffs, Whip-cream, Any Questions?"

"Bend over forward and touch your toes, and I'll show you where the Weasel goes."

"Sometimes I stop to think, then forget to start again."

"Everyone makes mistakes, <insert name here> is mother nature's."

"Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if ya don't, Do something Damnit!!"

"I'm multi talented, I can talk and piss you off at the same time."

"I'm not a geek...Geeks are smart."

"There are only 3 types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't!"

"Why are hemroids called hemroids and asteroids called asteroids? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"There are 256 million bones in your body...want another?"

"Smokers don't smoke, They suck and blow."

...Theres more, but I dont feel like putting them down...So bite me.

"AOL, so easy to use, no wonder there are so many morons on the internet!"

What? You heard that one already? Shoot....

"Your favorite band sucks"

"Keep Staring. I might do a trick."

there was another one I saw that was TINY text just below the neck. If you lean in and read it it says, "Nosy little fucker aren't you?"

DOOM Anomaly said:

"There are only 3 types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't!"

There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who know binary and those who don't.

engrish.com/clothing/source/hate.html

Nuff said.

Hukd On Fonix Wurkd Fer Mi!

Let's do the math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and multiply!

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those that make generalizations and those that don't.

"The people that tell me they don't think a fat penguin can represent the grace and power of Linux have never seen an angry penguin charge at over 100 miles an hour. If they had, they'd think again before saying that."

STFU
BUGGER - 6 beers and only 2 hands.
A SIX PACK - It's not just beer, it's a support group.
I don't care how good you are - I'M BETTER.
BRINGABONG (parody of Billabong)

$> cd pub
$> more beer

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't...

Will frag for bandwidth.

And last:

I read your email.

The only think I can come up with at the moment (and I don't even remember where it's from, but could very possibly be from this forum, somewhere):

I said NO! to drugs
but they just wouldn't listen

Guinness: So much more than a breakfast drink.

(plays on the old Volkswagen tagline:)
Farfrompüpin
Funkengrüvin

Work Free Drug Zone
School Free Drug Zone

Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

[As seen in porn]

The Price Is Wrong Bitch

T-shirts That Suck .com

I found that catalog, seems I just misplaced it.

"Official Member of the Piss&Moan About Everything Club"

"Everyone's got one, Some people are one."

"Inside this person is a young person wondoring: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!!"

"When I snap you'll be the first to go"

"The Golden Years Have Come at Last
I cannot see, I cannot pee,
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks,
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
My body's drooping, got trouble pooping.
The golden Years have come at last,
THE GOLDEY YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!"

"If a man speaks in the middle of a forest & there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"

"Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself"

"One of us is thinking about sex... Ok. It's me."

"People like you are the reason people like me need medication."

"I'm in no shape to exercise"

"My parents said I could be anything, so I became an asshole."

"Do not disturb. (I'm disturbed enough already.)

"Oh crap. You're going to try to cheer me up, aren't you?"

"Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off."

The evolution thing, "Something, somewhere went terribly wrong."

"I hit 2 good balls today. I stepped on a rake."

"You never see a motorcycle parked outside of a psychiatrist's office."

"Hello, my name is: Jack Squat -Don't expect too much out of me."

"Due to increased security measures, all articles of your clothing must be removed immediately!"

"Sorry, I don't do nice!"

"Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small to be outside by itself."

"I put ketchup on my ketchup"

"The man- The legend" (Arrow pointing down)

"To save time, let's just assume I know everything."

"Graberbootie & Pinch -Since 1969"

"That's Mr. OLD FART to you!"

"I have the body of a god (Too bad it's Buddah)"

"VEGETARIAN (vej'eter'een} n: Old indian word for BAD HUNTER"

Can't think of any more...

Edit: One more-

"SMILE YOU FUCKER!!"

Then again, there is LordFLathead's infamous line-

"SARCASAM, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!!"

Some more I just remembered are...

"Nobody is a virgin, life screws us all"

"The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the united states population"

"Damn straight I'm good in bed, I can sleep for days."

"A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you Flash me!"


..Again, too lazy to post more, so bite me.

here are some funny quotes .. hoope you like it:

-On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

-I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

-Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

-Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

-Do you have a boyfriend? Well when you want a MAN-friend, come and talk to me!

-If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.

-How's your wife and my kids?

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

damn. if only I could remember the shit/religion shirt.

what get me are the medication commercial.

"flonase, the nasal spray for year round allergy relief.......may cause nose bleed...."

huh. so intead of your nose full of snot you get a nose full of blood? WTF?

a parody of medicine commercials

Bah, I'm so sick of the nu-metal kiddies and their printed slogan t-shirts... they get old fast. However, I would KILL for the old Doom shirt or to find a "shit happens" (who remembers those, huh?) shirt.

"If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is."

Punk in Drublic

"But ossifer! I have no blood in my alchohol system!" x_x

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

This is the only one I have left after reading this Thread.

'I thought I was wrong once. But I was mistaken.'

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

"I"m the stranger your mom told ya not to talk to when you were young."