Sexy hi-res pic!!!

Half And a Life Two

Upon finally freeing enough disk space I downloaded and indeed even played the demo of HL2, and I have to say... Oh. Is this really the game that launched a thousand ships and a million "99% BEST GAME EVER" reviews?

The first section of the demonstration, in which Gordon arrives (astonishingly enough in a train) to some place or other, is as dull as dirtied dishwater could even dream of being in it's wild and dirtiest dreams, but things hardly liven up once he steps uponto the platform. Come and behold our fair hazard suited knight as he wanders through a city so linear it would make Bresenham pray to Bezier for non-linear relief. All the while some kind of vague 1984 theme goes on in the backround, but it's so ridiculously camp I can barely concentrate on paying attention. Is that silver haired gent really telling me why I can't be trusted to fuck other humans? Yes, apparently he is. Good job this is all a stupid game! Oh wait that's spoiled some reality or other. Ah well.

The second section "Return to Ravenscar", or some such thing, is a hideous mess of physics gimmickry and abject shit that reduced me to a scowl of such distain Gabe Newell clammed upon its sight, vomited his last meal and hasn't consumed a morsel since. I shit you not. A gravity gun!? Why what a marvellous contrapation, such a useful gadget for picking up these razor sharp gears somebody left lying about in each and every corner of this godforsaken avenue. How positive a sign that explosive canisters and various metal shards are as common as clay in Evil Futurville, to allow my easy passage through only gravito-velocito-radiato based agression. Stairs, oh stairs, when will thou end? Not in this demo it seems, as I seem to spend an eternity climbing some benighted stepset to some vague define/ed goal, all the time clutching a white radiator to my chest as if it were some medieval shield.

In the distance some demented figure cries a cry of "YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE EXPERIMENT GORDON, MY HEATHEN SHEEPWHORE FLOCKINGBIRD SHIT!" in what one presumes is a spluttering attempt to create an "atmo/sphere" that City 69's endless "OH CHRIST PRAY ME A DREAM YOU BEAUTIFUL CUNT" counterstrike rip-off streets fail to provide. Oh did I say rip-off, I of course meant homo/age , as everyone knows Counterstrike was a "MEET ME LATER AND I SWEAR TO CUNT I'LL BUY YOU A PINT A MANNA" Valve Productions product through and through and nary a hair can split the "BALLSACKS OF CHRIST ARE BOUNTIFUL AND HEAVY WITH BEAUTIFUL SEMEN" two. Or perhaps I LIE.

And that's all I have to say on that matter.

That's the same kind of ultimately meaningless, cock-strokingly pleonastic garbage that made me stop reading articles from SomethingAwful and Rolling Stone. Everyone thinks they're Dennis Miller for the New Angry Millenium. A fitting punishment would be to make them put down the "Socialite's Thesaurus for Dummies" book and diagram every sentence they've ever written.

I've taken the liberty of summarizing your post:
"The limited experience I had with the game proved to me what I wanted to think all along: it was crap."

you guys are real winners you know that?

actually, valve is, because they just screwed you out of a few hour's pay. enjoy.

I don't get what this whole argument is about. Who cares what some cocksucker who writes for a magazine thinks of a game? If you enjoyed it personally, it really doesn't matter.

Numbermind said:

That's the same kind of ultimately meaningless, cock-strokingly pleonastic garbage that made me stop reading articles from SomethingAwful and Rolling Stone. Everyone thinks they're Dennis Miller for the New Angry Millenium. A fitting punishment would be to make them put down the "Socialite's Thesaurus for Dummies" book and diagram every sentence they've ever written.

I've taken the liberty of summarizing your post:
"The limited experience I had with the game proved to me what I wanted to think all along: it was crap."

And what kind of utter crap isn't that? "Your post sucks" would be enough.

Oh, and the Bresenham joke was funny.

holy crap I was drunk when I wrote that

edit: and I actually quite enjoyed the hl2 demo

Fredrik said:

And what kind of utter crap isn't that? "Your post sucks" would be enough.

It sucked in a very specific way.
Three paragraphs or less was my goal, anyway.

The game fucking rules!

(note: Doom 3 is more or less the same affair but without the 'fucking' part)

Jonathan said:

Half And a Life Two
In the distance some demented figure cries a cry of "YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE EXPERIMENT GORDON, MY HEATHEN SHEEPWHORE FLOCKINGBIRD SHIT!" in what one presumes is a spluttering attempt to create an "atmo/sphere" that City 69's endless "OH CHRIST PRAY ME A DREAM YOU BEAUTIFUL CUNT" counterstrike rip-off streets fail to provide. Oh did I say rip-off, I of course meant homo/age , as everyone knows Counterstrike was a "MEET ME LATER AND I SWEAR TO CUNT I'LL BUY YOU A PINT A MANNA" Valve Productions product through and through and nary a hair can split the "BALLSACKS OF CHRIST ARE BOUNTIFUL AND HEAVY WITH BEAUTIFUL SEMEN" two. Or perhaps I LIE.

And that's all I have to say on that matter.

The hell was that?