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Maes
I like big butts!


Posts: 10313
Registered: 07-06
Megalyth said:

Because Maes spammed DMCHOSHO one too many times.

Final answer.


No. Because he crossed the road AND WE KNOW HOW THE ROADS ARE FULL OF BAD MUTHEFUCKAHS BUT [PROTOTYPE] IS BADDER THAN THEM ALL BECAUSE HE HAS SWISS ARMY KNIFE IN POCKET.
Old Post 08-04-12 12:41 #
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Hellbent
Forum Bellend


Posts: 4379
Registered: 06-00
40oz said: (full joke here)
A man is walking on the sidewalk when his eyes fall upon a sign sticking out of a neighbors lawn.

"FOR SALE: TALKING DOG - $10"

[snip] ... the dog told stories about how he's an ex-CIA agent, and has traveled over seas and single handedly assassinated international terrorists and dictators. The man was amazed at what he had just witnessed and returned to the front of the house and rang the door bell again. The neighbor answers the door.

"Your talking dog is amazing! How can you be selling him for $10??"

The neighbor shakes his head.

"The dog is full of shit. He was never in the CIA."
I think this is the only joke in this entire thread that made me laugh.
Old Post 08-04-12 14:29 #
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Megalyth
Squeedilyspooch


Posts: 542
Registered: 05-00
I apparently said:

Because Maes spammed DMCHOSHO one too many times.

Final answer.


I don't even remember posting that. I really need to cut back on the liquor (and that, my friends, is the best joke you will ever hear).
Old Post 08-04-12 17:13 #
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sgt dopey
Member


Posts: 412
Registered: 09-11
What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went ‘tick, tick,tick’?'

spoiler - highlight to read:

Ve haff vays of making you tock!’
Old Post 08-07-12 08:20 #
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Scypek2
Member


Posts: 490
Registered: 01-12
While little Johny's daddy is at work, his mommy lets in a stranger into house. Johny notices it and asks:
- excuse me, are you our new babysitter?
The man replies, smiling:
- well, not exactly. I'm your new motherfucker.
Old Post 08-07-12 10:26 #
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purist
Senior Member


Posts: 1638
Registered: 04-04
How many perverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it while the other watches in the cupboard.
Old Post 08-07-12 13:08 #
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Krispy
Forum Regular


Posts: 827
Registered: 02-12
sgt dopey said:
What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went ‘tick, tick,tick’?'

spoiler - highlight to read:

Ve haff vays of making you tock!’


Why did he have to be German?
Old Post 08-07-12 18:44 #
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Hellbent
Forum Bellend


Posts: 4379
Registered: 06-00
Krispy said:


Why did he have to be German?
I suppose he could have been Russian...

also...

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt137/auntb93also/JPEGS/ControlPanel-1.jpg

Last edited by Hellbent on 08-14-12 at 02:38
Old Post 08-14-12 02:22 #
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Krispy
Forum Regular


Posts: 827
Registered: 02-12
Hellbent said:
I suppose he could have been Russian...


Or American...
spoiler - highlight to read:

We have ways of making you tock.


Anyways,
A daddy shark is swimming with his boy. They come across some swimmers.
"Okay, son, first, let's swim around them with only our top fins showing." They do so, and then the daddy shark says, "Now let's swim with our top and tail fins showing." They do that, then on the dad's cue they gobble up the swimmers.
"Daddy," the son says, "Why couldn't we just eat them in the first place?"
"Well, we could, but they taste much better without all the poop inside."

Last edited by Krispy on 08-14-12 at 03:41
Old Post 08-14-12 03:35 #
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Clonehunter
Forum Staple


Posts: 2527
Registered: 03-10
Heard joke once

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Old Post 08-14-12 04:45 #
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Hellbent
Forum Bellend


Posts: 4379
Registered: 06-00
Krispy said:


Or American...
spoiler - highlight to read:

We have ways of making you tock.

duuuuuuuude. noooooooooooo. noooooooooooo nooooooo nooooo noooo nooo noo no. how does that make any sense? how did you miss the joke? Americans say "talk" not "tock'. Germans when they say talk sound like they are saying "tock". see?

oh, good, the office is on.
Old Post 08-14-12 05:00 #
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Krispy
Forum Regular


Posts: 827
Registered: 02-12
http://www.doomworld.com/vb/everyth...se/16952-jokes/
http://www.doomworld.com/vb/everyth...es-a-day-early/
http://www.doomworld.com/vb/everyth...orwarded-jokes/
(I claim all of these jokes in the name of Krispy)
I WIN!
Old Post 08-14-12 19:57 #
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glenzinho
Member


Posts: 511
Registered: 09-11
No! Bad Krispy!
After not getting the German accent joke, you can never win!
Old Post 08-14-12 21:52 #
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exp(x)


Posts: 2466
Registered: 04-04
What's purple and commutes?
spoiler - highlight to read:

An abelian grape
Old Post 08-14-12 23:15 #
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Hellbent
Forum Bellend


Posts: 4379
Registered: 06-00
exp(x) said:
What's purple and commutes?
spoiler - highlight to read:

An abelian grape
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/facepalm-ascii.jpg
Old Post 08-14-12 23:41 #
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exp(x)


Posts: 2466
Registered: 04-04
Hellbent said:
facepalm-ascii.jpg

The irony of a JPEG image of an ASCII facepalm representation is too much.
Old Post 08-15-12 01:03 #
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scalliano
This door is opened elsewhere...


Posts: 1012
Registered: 08-09
What's pink and hard in the morning?
spoiler - highlight to read:

The Financial Times crossword.
Old Post 08-15-12 20:06 #
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Krispy
Forum Regular


Posts: 827
Registered: 02-12
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
spoiler - highlight to read:

You 'neak up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
spoiler - highlight to read:

Tame way!
Old Post 08-15-12 21:34 #
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Eris Falling
Senior Member


Posts: 1567
Registered: 07-12
*facepalm*

__________________
They're coming. Beware the Twilight.
Old Post 08-15-12 21:35 #
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yukib1t
Will DDR for food


Posts: 2289
Registered: 06-02
Perl is the only programming language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.
Old Post 08-15-12 22:12 #
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Xaser
Forum Staple


Posts: 2140
Registered: 07-03
Clonehunter said:
Heard joke once

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Good joke. Everybody laugh.

Roll on snare drum.


Curtains.
Old Post 08-16-12 05:57 #
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Imp
I'LL CUT YOU BITCH!


Posts: 923
Registered: 10-02
How many DBZ characters does it take to screw in a lightblub?


1 but it takes 3 episodes..
Old Post 08-17-12 14:54 #
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Dr. Durr
Junior Member


Posts: 171
Registered: 08-11
How does Sonic contact Tails?

He gives him a ring.
Old Post 08-18-12 04:53 #
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buttspit
Member


Posts: 388
Registered: 04-11
Why did the cop fine the college math professor who was struggling with this simple problem:

(dy/dx) 3x

spoiler - highlight to read:

He was caught deriving under the influence.


BRING ON THE TOMATOES!
Old Post 08-21-12 01:04 #
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Grazza
helium hydride


Posts: 11797
Registered: 07-02
OK, if we're doing mathematical jokes...

What do you get if you integrate 1 over cabin?
spoiler - highlight to read:

Raft (= log cabin + C)
Old Post 08-21-12 01:17 #
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Hellbent
Forum Bellend


Posts: 4379
Registered: 06-00
buttspit said:
Why did the cop fine the college math professor who was struggling with this simple problem:

(dy/dx) 3x

spoiler - highlight to read:

He was caught deriving under the influence.


BRING ON THE TOMATOES!
That explains why I failed Calculus.
Old Post 08-21-12 02:39 #
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exp(x)


Posts: 2466
Registered: 04-04
Grazza said:
OK, if we're doing mathematical jokes...

What do you get if you integrate 1 over cabin?
spoiler - highlight to read:

Raft (= log cabin + C)

I've heard that one as houseboat instead of raft.
Old Post 08-21-12 02:42 #
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Grazza
helium hydride


Posts: 11797
Registered: 07-02
That's the optimistic version, I suppose.
Old Post 08-21-12 03:06 #
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Scuba Steve


Posts: 3784
Registered: 11-02
What's blue and comes in brownies?


Cub Scouts.
Old Post 08-22-12 15:06 #
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Hellbent
Forum Bellend


Posts: 4379
Registered: 06-00
What did the creepy geology professor say to his cute grad student?
spoiler - highlight to read:

I can make the bedrock.


What did the Geologists say to their pompous Biology colleagues?
spoiler - highlight to read:

Don't take us for granite


How do geologists get their rocks off?
spoiler - highlight to read:

with a rock hammer


So I was standing in the library discussing cleavage with a female colleague when the topic of intrusive dikes came up. She said that the dikes she knew of were often associated with thrusting movements that made the bedrock. I said that I usually didn't associate dikes with any sort of thrusting or making the bedrock, but then you never know what can happen when a dike is in an orogenous zone.

While on a field trip the absent minded geology professor asked his students to find a specific kind of rock. What did the professor do after one of his students burst into tears when another student threw a rock at her?
spoiler - highlight to read:

He picked up the offending rock and briefly examined it and then said to the boy: "that's not gneiss."


Later on in the field trip they stopped for lunch after collecting various rocks. Sarah was about to bite into her sandwich when she suddenly put it down and started looking in her pockets and all around her for something. Billy, sitting next to her, looked puzzled and said "what's the matter, aren't you hungry?" Sarah replied: "I lost my apatite!"

Geologists have it hard: the more they try to be gneiss, the more they get taken for granite.

Never lend a geologist money. They consider 10,000 years ago
to be very Recent.

How does a mountain get its rocks off?
spoiler - highlight to read:

with a landslide


A geologist is the only person who can talk to a woman and use the
words "cleavage" "dike" "thrust" "bedrock" "orogeny" and "subduction" in the
same sentence without facing sexual harassment charges.

Whenever there is an earthquake in San Francisco geologists are quick to declare it was San Andreas' Fault.

A geologist was very pleased with himself for discovering an important geologic feature that would alert the people in a particular geographic region to the potential for earthquakes. Though one person on his team died in a freak accident during the field work, the discovery was no fault but his own.

Geologists like to get hammered and stoned.

How can you tell that you are a geologist?
spoiler - highlight to read:

You decide not to get married because you'd rather keep the rock.


Geology: where subduction always leads to orogeny!

Last edited by Hellbent on 08-22-12 at 23:41
Old Post 08-22-12 21:41 #
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