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Marnetmar
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http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-..._pr_product_top


As I type this review, I'm on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I'm not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I'm getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can't be all my s***. There's no way. That's not my s***. That's s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I've eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I'm worried the war veteran below me thinks he's storming Normandy again.
Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I'd know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!
My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.




The place: BMO Harris Bradley Center
The event: Bucks VS Spurs
The snack: Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears made by Haribo

I recently took my 4 year old son to his first NBA game. He was very excited to go to the game, and I was excited because we had fantastic seats. Row C center court to be exact. I've never sat that close before. I've never had to go DOWN stairs to get to my seats. 24 stairs to get to my seats to be exact.

His favorite candy is Skittles. Mine are anything gummy. I snuck in a bag of skittles for my son, and grabbed a handful of gummy bears for myself, to be later known as Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears, that I received for Christmas in bulk from my parents, and put them in a zip lock bag.

After the excitement of the 1st quarter has ended I take my son out to get him a bottled water and myself a beer. We return to our seats to enjoy our candy and drinks.

..............fast forward until 1 minute before half time...........

I have begun to sweat a sweat that is only meant for a man on mile 19 of a marathon. I have kicked out my legs out so straight that I am violently pushing the gentleman wearing a suit seat in front of me forward. He is not happy, I do not care. My hands are on the side of my seat not unlike that of a gymnast on a pommel horse, lifting me off my chair. My son is oblivious to what is happening next to him, after all, there is a mascot running around somewhere and he is eating candy.

I realize that at some point in the very near to immediate future I am going to have to allow this lava from Satan to forcefully expel itself from my innards. I also realize that I have to walk up 24 stairs just to get to level ground in hopes to make it to the bathroom. I’ll just have to sit here stiff as a board for a few moments waiting for the pain to subside. About 30 seconds later there is a slight calm in the storm of the violent hurricane that is going on in my lower intestine. I muster the courage to gently relax every muscle in my lower half and stand up. My son stands up next to me and we start to ascend up the stairs. I take a very careful and calculated step up the first stair. Then a very loud horn sounds. Halftime. Great. It’s going to be crowded. The horn also seems to have awaken the Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears that are having a mosh pit in my stomach. It literally felt like an avalanche went down my stomach and I again have to tighten every muscle and stand straight up and focus all my energy on my poor sphincter to tighten up and perform like it has never performed before. Taking another step would be the worst idea possible, the flood gates would open. Don’t worry, Daddy has a plan. I some how mumble the question, “want to play a game?” to my son, he of course says “yes”. My idea is to hop on both feet allllll the way up the stairs, using the center railing to propel me up each stair. My son is always up for a good hopping game, so he complies and joins in on the “fun”. Some old lady 4 steps up thinks its cute that we are doing this, obviously she wasn’t looking at the panic on my face. 3 rows behind her a man about the same age as me, who must have had similar situations, notices the fear/panic/desperation on my face understands the danger that I along with my pants and anyone within a 5 yard radius spray zone are in. He just mouths the words “good luck man” to me and I press on. Half way up and there is no leakage, but my legs are getting tired and my sphincter has never endured this amount of pressure for this long of time. 16 steps/hops later…….4 steps to go…….My son trips and falls on the stairs, I have two options: keep going knowing he will catch up or bend down to pick him up relieving my sphincter of all the pressure and commotion while ruining the day of roughly the 50 people that are now watching a grown man hop up stairs while sweating profusely next to a 4 year old boy.

Luckily he gets right back up and we make it to the top of the stairs. Good, the hard part was over. Or so I thought. I managed to waddle like a penguin, or someone who is about to poop their pants in 2.5 seconds, to the men's room only to find that every stall is being used. EVERY STALL. It's halftime, of course everyone has to poop at that moment. I don't know if I can wait any longer, do I go ahead and fulfil the dream of every high school boy and poop in the urinal? What kind of an example would that set for my son? On the other hand, what kind of an example would it be for his father to fill his pants with a substance that probably will be unrecognizable to man. Suddenly a stall door opens, and I think I manage to actually levitate over to the stall. I my son follows me in, luckily it was the handicap stall so there was room for him to be out of the way. I get my pants off and start to sit. I know what taking a giant poo feels like. I also know what vomiting feels like. I can now successfully say that I know what it is like to vomit out my butt. I wasn't pooping, those Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears did something to my insides that made my sphincter vomit our the madness.

I am now conscious of my surroundings. Other than the war that the bottom half of my body is currently having with this porcelain chair, it is quiet as a pin drop in the bathroom. The other men in there can sense that something isn't right, no one has heard anyone ever poop vomit before.

I can sense that the worst part is over. But its not stopping, nor can I physically stop it at this point, I am leaking..it's horrible. I call out "does anyone have a diaper?" hoping that some gentleman was changing a baby. Nothing. No one said a word. I know people are in there, I can see the toes of shoes pointed in my direction under the stall.. "DOES ANYONE HAVE A DIAPER!?!" I am screaming, my son is now crying, he thinks he is witnessing the death of his father. I can't even assure him that I will make it.

Not a word was said, but a diaper was thrown over the stall. I catch it, line my underwear with it, put my pants back on, and walk out of that bathroom like a champ. We go straight to our seats, grab out coats and go home. As we are walking out, the gentleman that wished me good luck earlier simply put his fist out, and I happily bumped it.

My son asks me, "Daddy, why are we leaving early?"
"Well son, I need to change my diaper"

Old Post 02-26-14 06:15 #
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Obsidian
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Unholy shit. X-D

That is funny and disturbing at the same time. Anyone know what sort of potent biological cocktail could cause this sort of reaction?

Old Post 02-26-14 06:26 #
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Ragnor
I do see the humour in a mod sneakily changing my title


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My brother found these at a Warehouse here in NZ, Obsidian. We plan to wreck someones shit...literally.

But yeah, those reviews are funny everytime someone posts them.

Old Post 02-26-14 06:43 #
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Quast
insert title here


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This is actually part of the product info:

-This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess

Nice. The crazy part is that these cost $50+ per kilo.

Old Post 02-26-14 07:05 #
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Obsidian
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Ragnor said:
My brother found these at a Warehouse here in NZ, Obsidian. We plan to wreck someones shit...literally.


*Cue evil grin*

>:-D

Old Post 02-26-14 07:07 #
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Csonicgo


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Fun fact: Russel Stover Sugar-free fruit candies do this too.

also this was hilarious:


I am not a chemist by education but have concluded that the Taliban-formulated sugar substitute utilized in these bears somehow instantly combines and interacts at the molecular level with existing intestinal contents to create a foul odor that no human, or Lord of the Rings character, would ever have reason to experience. I would suffice it to say that 2 months later my nose hair refuses to grow back and I am unable to discern between the smell of roses and acrid smoke rising from burning oil.


yeeowch!

Old Post 02-26-14 08:12 #
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Maes
I like big butts!


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Quast said:
This is actually part of the product info:

-This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess



Pretty much all artificial sweeteners such as aspartame, xylitol, sorbitol etc. have laxative effects, and this warning is always present in some form on the box. The only exception is a recent naturally-derived sweetener, from Stevia plants.

Hilarity ensues when some artificially sweetened product contains some other nutrient which has a RDA, but in order to meet it you'll definitively need to eat it in excess. So it's like, yeah, you'll meet your daily RDA of Calcium or Vitamin C if you eat 20 of those sugar-free chewing gums, but then you'll shit yourself inside-out, so that's pretty moot ;-)

TBQH, I had a similar experience years ago with some artificially-sweetened multi-vitamin candies. So yeah, I definitively got my vitamins...only to chocolate shotgun them all out.

So, the TL; DR version is that someone ate too many artificially sweetened gummy bears, and they literally fucked his shit up. Well, (you'll be left with) no shit Sherlock.


I am not a chemist by education but have concluded that the Taliban-formulated sugar substitute utilized in these bears somehow instantly combines and interacts at the molecular level with existing intestinal contents to create a foul odor that no human, or Lord of the Rings character, would ever have reason to experience. I would suffice it to say that 2 months later my nose hair refuses to grow back and I am unable to discern between the smell of roses and acrid smoke rising from burning oil.


Could...could it be? Has that exclusive UAC technology become reality?

Last edited by Maes on 02-26-14 at 09:19

Old Post 02-26-14 09:13 #
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Ledillman
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NANI?! WHAT? QUE?

Really, what was that xD well, that made my day.
Too expensive tough

Old Post 02-26-14 09:45 #
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Glaice
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I've seen videos on Youtube of people eating these gummis and have diarrhea later in the day because of whatever's in them can't be properly digested. The former eat about a pound to 3/4 pound and the latter eats the whole bag.

Last edited by Glaice on 02-26-14 at 13:48

Old Post 02-26-14 13:39 #
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Clonehunter
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Amazon reviews always make my day

Old Post 02-26-14 15:41 #
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FTM
Green Marine


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These bears are the perfect laxatives, cleaning intestines all day long!

Old Post 02-26-14 15:46 #
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40oz
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Someone posted a picture on Facebook of a bag of gummy bears. It said the worst prank you can play on someone is to order them a bag of haribo gummy bears and have it shipped to their house. There was no link and the post had no likes or comments. I didn't get the joke. Thank you for clueing me in.

Old Post 02-26-14 16:43 #
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Maes
I like big butts!


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Finally, a thread we can all (?) relate to and enjoy.

Edit: probably some FDA investigation will turn out that they fucked up the artificial sweetener dosage on several lots of the stuff. They may amend this, and then the "bad" gummy bears will be recalled and become collectible. Grab'em while they're still hot (and running off your walls and furniture).

Last edited by Maes on 02-26-14 at 17:40

Old Post 02-26-14 17:29 #
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Doomhuntress
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i have not heard of this before and i've eaten those gummi bears in the past. o.o (though admittedly not the sugar-free alternative)

Old Post 02-26-14 18:24 #
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gggmork
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I just see it as forced memes, possibly intentional viral marketing, like they're selling a gag food to give your enemies disguised as a real candy with astroturfed reviews. The first batch of funny product reviews for different amazon products was almost definitely grassroots, but this memetic power was studied and hijacked by people who wear ties like everything else. This batch of reviews is like Conan Obrien, not funny yet given a big fat soapbox. Plus I really don't like how 70% of the products on amazon are unsellable by normalfags. Sorry, this and most others is a 'restricted item', only insiders can sell it, thanks for your cooperation! And like there's version 5 of something and an older version 4... they'll shoehorn all search to the version 5, only let you sell version 4 if you're lucky, and suddenly version 4 magically gets like 2 star reviews and version 5 gets 5 star reviews. This would all be fine, but no businesses can compete thanks to regulations that they help lobby for, I mean they have lots of money to lobby with with all that money from the manipulated unlevel playing field.

Old Post 02-26-14 18:57 #
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rf`
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Q: Can I get 535 orders for our Congress?
A:
Sure. We would be happy to assist you with this. Let us know if you need help ordering.


I died.

Old Post 02-26-14 19:16 #
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Glaice
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I wait the day for a real sugarless candy that doesn't have artificial sweeteners and tastes like the original version. Which means no dedicating a portion of your day to the toilet.

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Old Post 02-26-14 20:57 #
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MajorRawne
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Marnetmar said:
(epic post)





That sounds like my chat-up line when talking to women.

Old Post 02-26-14 22:18 #
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rf`
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Mr. Chris said:
I've seen videos on Youtube of people eating these gummis and have diarrhea later in the day because of whatever's in them can't be properly digested. The former eat about a pound to 3/4 pound and the latter eats the whole bag.

I spent four hours watching L.A. Beast eating and puking all sorts of things because of this.

Old Post 02-26-14 22:42 #
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buttspit
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Mr. Chris said:
I wait the day for a real sugarless candy that doesn't have artificial sweeteners and tastes like the original version. Which means no dedicating a portion of your day to the toilet.


How are you going to sweeten something without sugar or artificial sweeteners?

Old Post 02-26-14 23:03 #
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Piper Maru
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Ass gravy, the perfect revenge.

Old Post 02-26-14 23:21 #
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Ragnor
I do see the humour in a mod sneakily changing my title


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I should stock up on these and leave them in workplaces people will find.

I WILL TAKE DOWN YOUR BUSINESS, MUAHAHA

Old Post 02-27-14 00:09 #
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Jimi
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Sounds like candy version of E-Z Kreme.

Old Post 02-27-14 15:56 #
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WildWeasel
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As far as alternative gummi bears go, the WinCo Foods in my area actually sells organic agave gummi bears in bulk. Only slightly more expensive than getting the regular kind, but they don't leave that awful processed sugar aftertaste.

Old Post 02-27-14 17:31 #
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fraggle
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Random websites are now showing me targeted advertising for Haribo. Thanks Doomworld.

Old Post 02-27-14 18:04 #
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Coopersville
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I heard about this a while ago. The Shoppers Drug Mart down the block from me used to sell them. Admittedly been tempted to try.

Old Post 02-27-14 18:06 #
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MajorRawne
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It's still not as funny as the reviews for the Paul Ross canvas print. Those are the best reviews on Amazon.

Old Post 02-27-14 21:35 #
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geekmarine
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Oh God, I thought there was something familiar about L.A. Beast, and then I realized, he's the dipshit who allegedly puked after drinking Crystal Pepsi. It didn't even make sense - for some reason drinking old soda that had gone flat made him sick. I mean, I almost kinda get the joke, but I dunno, it just seems kinda lame to me.

Old Post 02-27-14 21:57 #
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Technician
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This effects my father. Whenever he binges on some kind of sugar free product, loose stools usually ensues.

This doesn't effect me in the slightest, however. I can eat sugar free candy until I'm ill and I won't loose my shit.

Old Post 02-27-14 23:08 #
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Maes
I like big butts!


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gggmork said:
I just see it as FORCED and PAINFUL memes


FTFY, mate.

Old Post 02-28-14 00:52 #
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