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DooMBoy
Heh
(but Stupidity still cannot be concealed)


Posts: 8509
Registered: 12-00


Well, it's happened again. The base you were stationed at was attacked and overrun by demons(of course). You tried telling the UAC scientists that nothing good would come out of trying to re-activate the warp-portals, but did they listen? No sir, they didn't and know you're stuck inside the base, trying to fight your way out to the landing and launching pads outside. If you can get there, maybe you can get off this godforsaken base.

You have no weapons to speak of, just your base fists. You lost your pistol earlier in a duel with a Marine zombie. The lights are failing, and they keep blinking on and off. You hear the sounds of heavy breathing, the moans of the zombies, and the sound of flesh being ripped by ravenous fangs. Sounds like their outside the base itself. You remember the screams of your comrades coming in over your radio, but by the time you got outside, they were turned into zombies too. You remember when the portals blew out. It sounded like an explosion, and then-you don't want to remember. The Hellspawn generally caused Havoc, and now there are only about 2 or 3 Marines alive that aren't zombies-you among them. As you wander through the computer station of the base, ready to slug anything that gets in your way, you are reminded of 4 years ago-the Phobos Base. Back in 2566, that was. This is 2570. You are reminded of the destruction that the demons wreaked and you are reminded of your comrades-all zombies. This is just like that. Zombies and demons everywhere you turn. Fear is in the air. As you walk along slowly remembering these things, you don't notice the yellow orbs in front of you.
Suddenly the orbs dash forward at you, and you see that they are connected to a large head with a huge mouth full of plaque-coated, blood-stained teeth. The head, in turn is connected to a large, muscular body, with feet that have 5-inch claws connected to them. The thing gnashes forward with its teeth. You suddenly feel like you've been slashed with a sword or something. The thing attempts to bite you again, but you filled with overpowering rage. You haul off and deck the creature with all the strength you got, straight in its deformed face. "Aarggh!", it roars. You're a big man, about 278 lbs., and a tall man, about 6'6" or so, but you think you had that much power. You are amazed as the thing falls backward with a loud thump!. Blood spills out of the mouth, the eyes shut, and the creature is still.
You clean the blood off you brass knuckles and proceed, once more and with a high state of awareness, through the base. After some looking, you find the Tech Center of the base that has the door that'll lead you out of this place and eventually, back home. Of course, the base is a wreck. Sparks are flying everywhere. Damaged computers hiss and and belch out large showers of sparks. In fact, there are so many saprks flying about, you'd think it was the Fourth of July in here. Since this the Tech Base part of the base, you know the UAC scientists have been working on a top-secret weapon. You don't find any secret weapon anywhere, but you do find a pump-action shotgun lying among the rubble. It's loaded. Ch-chak. You pump the shotgun and head out to the Space Port and step into one of the many teleporters lying on the ground. This is the year 2570, and rocket ships and such like were given up on back a hundred years before. Instead, the UAC and military have created SlipGates that can instantly teleport any number of soldiers, one after the other, to any spot in the Solar System. You step into the teleporter, and you're suddenly bolted away back to Earth in a split second. You've survived somehow, without having to use your shotgun. Amazing.
To be Continued...(hopefully)

Old Post 06-13-01 15:41 #
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Windowpain
Junior Member


Posts: 172
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He didn't have to use his shotgun? Kinda bland...

Old Post 06-13-01 17:05 #
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DooMBoy
Heh
(but Stupidity still cannot be concealed)


Posts: 8509
Registered: 12-00


Yes, but you must realize this that this is only PART of the story. The next chapter(if you would call it that) will have lots of death and destruction.

Old Post 06-13-01 18:21 #
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NiGHTMARE
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Posts: 5012
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Use paragraphs in the future, then maybe a few more people will read it...

Old Post 06-14-01 10:34 #
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Katgut
Post Out Of Order


Posts: 673
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Yes, but you must realize this that this is only PART of the story. The next chapter(if you would call it that) will have lots of death and destruction.


And hopefully this one will also mark the first appearance of the Carriage Return in one of your stories. :->

Old Post 06-14-01 11:03 #
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Wildman
Member


Posts: 276
Registered: 06-01


You have an interesting and good beginning. I hope you don't mind some thoughts. Take or leave as you see fit. Just tell me to bug off if you don't like this sort of thing.

You have a good start here, but it is much too passive. Part of the problem is the tense being used. I would use first person or third person narrative, not second person. Personally, I would use first person in this story to make it immediate. For example, I have rewritten a portion of one of the paragraphs:

-Start-

As I amble cautiously down the corridor, I rub my hands together, itching for a weapon, any weapon. I lost mine in a quick draw battle with a gibbering zombie--Johnny Mason, a fellow Marine that arrived at this godforsaken base when I did. He wasn't a friend, but he didn't deserve that.

The power is failing in the base. The fluorescents in the corridor buzz angrily as the power fluctuates. Through the windows, I can hear growls of the creatures, like wolves lurking in the darkness, and the wet sounds of flesh ripped from unseen bodies. I duck down as I pass the window so the creatures outside do not see me.

As I pass the window I can smell the sharp, rotting stench of a zombie. I wonder if it's someone I know. Maybe Jake or Sam or my best friend, Henry. "Where are you buddy?" I ask silently.

As if in answer a moan, caught on the wind, reaches my ears as I continue down the corridor. I remember the bone-chilling screams of my buddies over the radio and the sick feeling in my stomach because I couldn't get outside in time. “Why,” I whisper to myself, my eyes burning, my chest tight. “Why?”

-End-

It's far from perfect, but I think it is a bit more engaging and carries the reader along as a participant rather than just a passive spectator. Anyway, just some thoughts.

Here is the original for reference:


You have no weapons to speak of, just your base fists. You lost your pistol earlier in a duel with a Marine zombie. The lights are failing, and they keep blinking on and off. You hear the sounds of heavy breathing, the moans of the zombies, and the sound of flesh being ripped by ravenous fangs. Sounds like their outside the base itself. You remember the screams of your comrades coming in over your radio, but by the time you got outside, they were turned into zombies too.


Old Post 06-14-01 17:01 #
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DooMBoy
Heh
(but Stupidity still cannot be concealed)


Posts: 8509
Registered: 12-00


I don't know. I mean, I suppose I could try that, but I always write Doom stuff from the "You are doing this. Suddenly something attacks you.", point of view. BTW, that little pasage you put sounded quite alright:)

Old Post 06-14-01 18:16 #
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