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Doomhuntress
Senior Member


Posts: 1149
Registered: 08-10


This is a prose I made... two days ago? Yeah, I think it was two days ago. I'm quite proud of it, though crticism is welcome, because I think I might have stretched it too much than needed.

Death and decay
torments me
Barring my ways to act with reason
Corrupting my mind, devouring my soul
the only pure power that's left is my heart
The darkness is growing
I can feel it's black pulsing
yet my heart's still glowing of white
My mind says "F*CK YOU!"
my soul fragments my life
yet my heart glues those pieces together
My mind breaks the windows
my soul kills my people
yet my heart pulls out the "in" from sanity
My mind kills my ambitions
my soul kills my body
my heart kills the evil inside me
I might be insane
I might go to Hell
but my heart is stronger than the aforementioned two
Yes, I might fail in life
yes, I might go to hell
but I have something that Hell can't take from me
A pure, white heart
a vessel of holy light
an artifact of good
a weapon against insanity
With this in my body
I can live for the next day
stand against the darkness
and prosper my future
For a mind of corruption
A soul of Hell
Is nothing against the power
the holy light and
the pure bright white
of a holy heart
The Hell inside me might destroy my mind
and devour my soul
But the heart of holy power
shall remain intact
Thou the state of mind
and human soul
is nothing against
the heart
of holy power

Old Post Jan 5 2011 03:45 #
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Bank
Senior Member


Posts: 1990
Registered: 03-05


Your poem doesn't have any content and relies on cliche dark vs light vocabulary to seem edgy.

Old Post Jan 5 2011 04:01 #
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Doomhuntress
Senior Member


Posts: 1149
Registered: 08-10


Ugh, I knew someone would say something like that. Truth be told, I didn't really know what exactly this was going to be when I wrote it. When I began I didn't feel so good so I decided to write something dark and twisty. Then I changed that when I was in the middle of the text, and this happened.
Ugh, this always happens when I decide to write something long. I've got too many different ideas I want to use, then I mix them together, and stuff like this happens. I'll try to be more coherent next time I'll write something this long.

Old Post Jan 5 2011 04:13 #
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t.v.
Junior Member


Posts: 241
Registered: 10-06


It starts out typically emo (egocentric). Just count the time you used the words "I" or "My".

It gets better near the end though. I would suggest writing it not from your own perspective and keep it more abstract. This will help the reader identify with the text.

And I believe you need to shortening it.
Select a number of written lines and put them to getter again.
Remember the common motto for poets: Kill your darlings.

IMO it would be better like this:


A pure, white heart
a vessel of holy light
an artifact of good
a weapon against insanity

To stand against the darkness
and prosper the future
For a mind of corruption
A soul of Hell
Is nothing against the power
the holy light and
the pure bright white
of a holy heart

The Hell inside might destroy the mind
and devour the soul
But the heart of holy power
shall remain intact
Though the state of mind
and human soul
is nothing against
the heart
of holy power


but that's just my opinion. You should do what ever you want :-)

Last edited by t.v. on Jan 5 2011 at 21:44

Old Post Jan 5 2011 21:37 #
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Coopersville
Supreme Gentleman


Posts: 3215
Registered: 10-01


Hey, I like dark n' edgy. People play up their distaste for it, even though they have no reason to (ie: We're in a Doom forum). Keep it up. Maybe this has it weak parts, but in the future, you can take the strong material from different pieces and bring them together. At least, that's how poetry works for me.

Old Post Jan 5 2011 23:35 #
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Doomhuntress
Senior Member


Posts: 1149
Registered: 08-10



t.v. said:
It starts out typically emo (egocentric). Just count the time you used the words "I" or "My".

It gets better near the end though. I would suggest writing it not from your own perspective and keep it more abstract. This will help the reader identify with the text.

And I believe you need to shortening it.
Select a number of written lines and put them to getter again.
Remember the common motto for poets: Kill your darlings.

IMO it would be better like this:


A pure, white heart
a vessel of holy light
an artifact of good
a weapon against insanity

To stand against the darkness
and prosper the future
For a mind of corruption
A soul of Hell
Is nothing against the power
the holy light and
the pure bright white
of a holy heart

The Hell inside might destroy the mind
and devour the soul
But the heart of holy power
shall remain intact
Though the state of mind
and human soul
is nothing against
the heart
of holy power


but that's just my opinion. You should do what ever you want :-)

Huh. That's certainly useful criticism, I'll keep what you said in mind. Thanks.

Old Post Jan 6 2011 01:55 #
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ArchitectofHell
Mini-Member


Posts: 81
Registered: 07-08



It starts out typically emo (egocentric). Just count the time you used the words "I" or "My".



...You then go on to take the liberty of rewriting the piece yourself, and see nothing egocentric about it?

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Old Post Jan 6 2011 09:23 #
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Phobus
Forum Staple


Posts: 2915
Registered: 10-06


Constructive criticism and useful suggestions aren't egocentric.

Old Post Jan 6 2011 10:11 #
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ArchitectofHell
Mini-Member


Posts: 81
Registered: 07-08



Phobus said:
Constructive criticism and useful suggestions aren't egocentric.

Totally agreed! I also agree that too much of the poem is "I" and "me"-centered.

But taking another person's work and rewriting it usually isn't helpful, and seems a bit, well... "grabby." Most writers aren't asking for a co-writer when they ask for feedback.

I'd be happy to hear more opinions on this, though; maybe my opinion isn't the popular one.

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Old Post Jan 6 2011 10:18 #
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Impie
Member


Posts: 504
Registered: 01-07



ArchitectofHell said:
But taking another person's work and rewriting it usually isn't helpful, and seems a bit, well... "grabby." Most writers aren't asking for a co-writer when they ask for feedback.

It depends on the point you're trying to make. I sometimes revise passages to clarify a suggestion I'm making, if I feel it helps drive the point home.

I'm not much of a critic when it comes to poetry -- i never really knew how to critique it -- but the only thing I saw in my head when i read this was Sailor Moon fighting Queen Beryl. I don't think it has anything to do with trying to mix too many elements at once: it just comes off as literary masterbation.

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Last edited by Impie on Jan 16 2011 at 11:03

Old Post Jan 16 2011 10:08 #
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