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So, in your opinion, how good was this thing?
Dude. 1337 skills. Keep writin\\\'!
It was really good. Just a bit of improvement.
Eh. it was okay.
This made me want to rip my hair outta my head.
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TheSpazztikOne
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Posts: 409
Registered: 07-11


-Please note that this Fanfiction series is a blend of classic Doom and Doom 3 pieces, since 3 was practically a re-creation of 1. There may be some differences between the game and this, but this stuff is pure stuff I wrote a few months back. I felt it was time to let y'all read it. Some of this stuff is based off of Tom Hall's imagining of Doom from "The doom Bible" i.e.: Tei-Tenga- the desert moon explained in this story. some characters i based from Quake 3. I felt that they had something in common to... Enjoy!

-Knee Deep in the Dead- A DooM FanFiction by Sid "Spazztik" Tyler

Prolouge I: Before the Day-
Entry added: 1/19/2144

Enter the Union Aerospace Corporation. A technologically-advanced super-conglomerate with dreams far beyond any comprehension of one man alone. The main purpose of the company, as the name implies, is to provide a farther reach to the distant regions of space. Space travel: The once-foolish idea by man now implemented into modern-day reality. With owning much of the world's flourishing economic divisions, the UAC has begun work on a wide series of space-
exploration missions. One such task was the 'Predator' project. The 'Predator' project was the first attempt at space colonization and military positioning throughout the nearby regions of known space. The Predator Mark I, was tested on site near the Ad-Mulian sector, positioned between Earth and its moon. Everything went haywire and as the starship Predator took flight, it was in space for a matter of a few days before hurtling back to Earth unexpectedly, devastating the area now known as the Vega desert. (This location refers to post-crash 2120 Las Vegas.) After long debate, the Predator project was scrapped to bring forth a new series of Phantom-class dropships for military and personnel transport (As referred to in Doom 3). These were among some of the first few shuttles to make the trip between Earth, Mars, ands its moons, Phobos and Deimos. No problems were found with the new design.
The Phantom shuttle is still in use today, and is a prized piece in the UAC's armed forces unit.

Prologue II: The New Experiment-
Entry added: 2/29/2145 Conversation between group members at the UAC Board of Directors officce

(Two soldiers escorting a guard enter the room)

ID-SWANN Let them in.

ID-JENKINS Doctor Swann, an important message for you, sir. Our team has done it.

ID-SWANN Done What Exactly?

J It's like a dream, or one of the mythic stories from Star Trek, but they've finally done it. Teleportation! We now hold the key to vast planets, and it's being unveiled at Vega one week from now, Sir!

S Explain clearly. I cannot fully understand what you are getting at...

J The movement of one man, or more likely a group of people, to another location within the moment's blinking of an eye! Faster-than-light travel. It has been achieved! Surely this is the dawning of a new age in interstellar exploration! I can almost see the stars in my very hand, sir. Can't you feel it?

S Hmm. Indeed. I will need to see proof of this accomplishment. Too many times have our technology not brought forth good fruit. If all goes well, I will oversee this feat myself.

J Yes Sir, Doctor Swann. You will not be disappointed!

End Conversation

(Add-on #1: As of 5/5/2145, the teleportation tech has been shipped to the following locations:
Phobos Sector, Tei-Tenga Sector, Deimos Sector, Vega, Mars City I.

Prologue III: And Justice For All-
Entry added: 3/5/2145 Court Trial of Marshall *Name Withheld*

Mid-day: the defendant has been charged with the assault of a fellow marine as well as a strict disobedience of applied orders. The defendant responded to the disobedience charge by quoting the following:

"...I was specifically ordered to fire into a crowd of innocent civilians."

The plaintiff immediately denied any account of this statement. Hospital records show the plaintiff with multiple wounds to the head and torso area, mainly by either battery or severe bludgeoning.

The Defendant was sentenced to one year of labor on the desert-sector Tei-Tenga, and was demoted after the court trial, as sentenced by Union Aerospace Corporation Board of Directors Head, Doctor Elliot Swann.

------------------------------------------------------
Please be on the lookout for the second part to this story, coming out as soon as everyone's read the prologue! Or, look up my official FanFiction.net page under "The Spazztik One"

__________________
Run. Live to Fly. Fly to live. Do or die. Won't you run- live to fly. Fly to live.
AAAACEEES HIIIIIIIGH

Old Post 07-15-11 23:03 #
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TheSpazztikOne
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Posts: 409
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Okay. Here's teh next part.
I guess no one commented on it since I hadn't really gotten into the story yet. I will explain the story thus far:

-In the prologue, it was told of the UAC's most fascinating and dangerous experiments. This eventually evolved to be the teleportation experiments which Doom is based on. The original stories of the origins of the UAC are told in a side-story I wrote called: Origins- Back-story of the Union Aerospace Corporation. Our story begins on the desert moon, Tei Tenga...

--------------------------------

Knee Deep in the Dead - Book One of Six in a DooM FanFiction by Sid "Spazztik" Tyler

Chapter I : We're All Soldiers Here...

The date is August 15th, 2145. Everything is dark on this side of the planet now. Not even the faintest shred of actual sunlight can pierce the complete darkness that encases this area. The only light that remains comes from the overhead light inside the barracks, where a group of four deal their hands at a game of poker. Fake light, as it is, that brings its artificial warmth and comfort to the room.

The Tei Tenga sector never gets enough sunlight anymore. It has many things it never gets anymore. Most obvious is its lack of light. Another is its lack of fighting action. On other sectors, the air-compressed cities are major hubs of marine action o

Last edited by TheSpazztikOne on 07-16-11 at 12:52

Old Post 07-16-11 12:36 #
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TheSpazztikOne
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Posts: 409
Registered: 07-11


After some time, I thought it might be good enough to release the second chapter to Doom: Knee Deep in the Dead. So, without delay, here it is!

-------------------------------------------------
Knee Deep in the Dead - Book One of Six in a DooM FanFiction by Sid "Spazztik" Tyler

Chapter II: The Dark Side of the Moon

Down below the window where Swann now looks begins the next critical stages of the teleportation project. He shrugs away the fact that he does not fully agree with the experiment itself, as well as that strange feeling of a chill running up his spine. Something more is going on down there that they fail to speak of. If something more is happening, then what is it? What could be so damn secret that even the med-techs won't spill it?

As he ponders on these questions in mind, Sargeant Campbell enters the room with a bald, scarred figure following behind. As he escorts the bald figure, he turns around and ushers him into the wide doorway.

"Doctor Swann, Doctor Ian Betreuger is here, sir." He says.

"Let him in." Says Swann. He turns around to look at Betreuger's scarred face.

The doctor, Ian Betreuger, walks silently into the room, with Campbell following in suit. He doesn't look too happy to see much of anyone, and he looks more annoyed than scared to see the Board of Directors staring him down like a gun's barrel to some unfortunate guy's head. It takes a few minutes for him to get comfortable in the room before he finally speaks up.

"Well, well, well. Doctor Elliot Swann. Fancy meeting you here. I would have expected someone from the technology division, or perhaps one of your representatives, to come down and have a look at what exactly goes on around here." He says with a angry tongue.

"I would have expected that myself. But I was voted personally to come down and have a look. I had no choice." says Swann, looking slightly annoyed now.

"So what are you doing here anyway, Swann? I don't believe we have committed any treason against the Union."

"The UAC Board of Directors Authorized me to take a shuttle here, and to closely examine the recent teleportation experiments. I don't believe we were even going to bring up the subject of treason."

Betreuger ignores his last statement. "The Board... authorized you? The Board doesn't know the first thing about science. What they want is something to make them more money. Some kind of... product. But don't you worry, sir. They'll get their product."

Swann shakes his head. "After how many accidents, Ian? Tell me, exactly how many people in this sector have ended up missing, dead, or deranged? How much of this will we have to endure before you complete your little experiments?"

Betreuger shoots him an evilish glare. "If you know what's good for you, Swann, you'll just stay out of my way. Amazing things will happen here soon that will surely astonish us all. Just you wait!" And with that last comment, Betreuger quickly turns and heads out of the conference room. Campbell still waits at the door. Swann sighs and gets up from his chair. He looks out the window at the crew on the teleportation deck. Just in time to see one more person go through.

'Hopefully, these things Betreuger speaks of will be good. But I have the strangest feeling that something more will happen that will astonish everyone...' He thinks. With that thought bearing in mind, Campbell and Swann exit the room.

August 16th, 2145 - Office of Master Sargeant Kellye of the Phobos Sector-

While at his desk, Master Sargeant Kellye fingers through many folders of work on his desk. Transfers, Death Comms, Medical Reports, the same old stuff. Just then, he finds a report that catches his eye. It's the medical record of John Wesson. One of the most recent test subjects in the teleportation experiments. It appears that after his recent teleportation from Earth, he was transported to Phobos. However, it seems that when he came through, his mental form changed.

On the document, it claims that after his entrance into the portal, it took several minutes for him to come out the other end. Upon his return, he claimed that he'd seen horrible figures, almost as if a thousand eyes were staring directly at him. He was sent to the medical ward directly after the test. Kellye looks around the next few folders more, and uncovers something even more gruesome.

A death comm was also in Wesson's file. It seems that he had made his escape out of the medical ward upon his transfer to psychiatric. He found himself one of the guard's plasma guns and filled his head up with enough plasma to power a space station. The death was indeed the suicide, but the cause was unknown.

Kellye puts down the death-comm when all of a sudden a red light flashes on his desk. A guard has just left his post on the experimental deck, and is making his way to the underground Communications deck. Kellye turns on his intercom and starts speaking to the soldier.

"Soldier, what exactly do you think yer doing?" Kellye says, annoyed.

"Sir, something has come up. i feel something terrible is about to take place here. We must call for military assistance!" He frantically yells into the communicator.

"My god sir, this is the biggest load of horse-crap i've heard out of anyone today. I'm sending a couple soldiers down to hike yer ass to the psychiatric ward. Now if you don't want me to do that, i suggest you get back to your post immediately!" Yells Kellye.

"I can't do that, sir. Someone must be told about the catastrophic events that are to surely happen very soon!" And with that last word, his communicator shuts off. He's barricaded himself in the Communications deck.

"Damn." Says Kellye. He pulls up a soldier on his computer. "Soldier! Send word to Tei Tenga that we need a recovery team to be sent to Phobos immediately!"

"Yes, sir. " Says the soldier at the computer. A few moments later, the message is sent to Tei Tenga. With Colonel Blazkowicz answering the message.

"...I don't give a crap! I said no sugar in my... Oh, Hello Sarge Kellye! What seems to be the prob?" Says Blazkowicz casually.

"Colonel, we need a team of your finest soldiers to report to Phobos sector for some security work. We have a problem." Says Kellye.

"Well... they're not exactly the finest, but they're the four best soldiers I've got. I'll get right on it, sir." And Blazkowicz signs off with a fast click.

"Oh boy, I hope he doesn't plan on sending who I think he's sending..." Murmurs Kellye.

End of Chapter Two.
-------------------------------------------------

Chapter Three will be posted boon. but before I do, PLEASE rate me on this story!

__________________
Run. Live to Fly. Fly to live. Do or die. Won't you run- live to fly. Fly to live.
AAAACEEES HIIIIIIIGH

Old Post 07-19-11 17:09 #
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Impie
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Posts: 301
Registered: 01-07



TheSpazztikOne said:
I guess no one commented on it since I hadn't really gotten into the story yet. I will explain the story thus far:


If no one has gotten into the story, explaining things won't fix it. Rewriting might.

Biggest problems I had with it:

1) No punctuation to separate character names from lines of dialogue, which is confusing at first and hard on the eyes; and then the names change to initials suddenly, initially making me think that more people were entering the conversation.

Even forgiving this, the dialogue itself is just awful -- actually worse than the narration itself.


TheSpazztikOne said:
J The movement of one man, or more likely a group of people, to another location within the moment's blinking of an eye! Faster-than-light travel. It has been achieved! Surely this is the dawning of a new age in interstellar exploration! I can almost see the stars in my very hand, sir. Can't you feel it?

S Hmm. Indeed. I will need to see proof of this accomplishment. Too many times have our technology not brought forth good fruit. If all goes well, I will oversee this feat myself.



NOBODY talks like this. Even if I'm able to roll with overly-wordy narration, when I see people talking like this, I'm jacked right out of the story: partly 'cos I can't believe anyone would talk like this, and partly 'cos I have to translate every overly-wordy line.

2) The overall structure is clumsily executed, and not just because of the constant sentence fragments. You open the prologue segments like this:

Prolouge I: Before the Day-
Entry added: 1/19/2144


This implies I'm reading a log entry, but it's not written that way at all. It's written more like the notes for a screenplay. If you're going for an omniscient narrator, why imply it's a log entry? Especially if the bulk of the story isn't going to be written that way, anyway?

3) The first chapter is an incomplete post: yet another sign that you don't proofread your work.

I can't really comment on the story when the execution keeps me from wanting to read further. Not having a full 1st chapter doesn't help, either. If you wanna write well, you need to read more. Find the authors you want to emulate and study their work.

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Old Post 07-26-11 02:48 #
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