Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Naked Snake

The Berserk Pack and Shotgun

Recommended Posts

I got this idea from seeing my old weapon stories, THANKS DSM!


The halls were dark, a light blinked on and off in the corner, annoying the marine. Not only was his eyesight bad because the blood from a cut on his head kept getting into his eyes but he had also taken a fireball to the face, though his eyes were closed, it still hurt like hell. He needed medical attention.

"Yeah, but what am I gonna do? Call the medic?" he wondered out loud. He stummbled forth, bumping into a toxic barrel, the vile ooze splashing onto his leg. The hiss of the acidic solution as it tore through his suit and burned his skin echoed loudly in the narrow hallways , the hiss of the marine was almost as loud. His head turned skyward in agony, his only thought was "I need bandages or something" as he creeped towards the lightsource. His scuffling feet made sharp sreeches every once and a while, causing him to jump. He almost laughed at his paranoia, but then again, when things were really out to get you, it isn't paranoia, now is it? With a soundly grunt and thud, he had tripped over something. It was a black box.

The marine, agitated, grabbed the box and prepared to toss it, until he noticed the red cross on it. He froze for a second, his arm muscles tightning. Yes yes yes! It was health or something like that, maybe even food! He quickly opened the package, his hopes high. His heart sunk when he saw a single needle in the box. Fuck. He shrugged, thinking "maybe it's a miracle drug" as he tied his arm off, found a vein and injected himself with the "wonder drug". He got a massive headrush, as his wounds started to heal. But, not only that, he felt bloodthirsty, his sight turning red, craving blood.

He got up, rushing to the door at the end of the hall, something that would have not been possible had he not taken that drug. Inside, three former marines were waiting. He yelled and they returned an equally frightning howl as they raised their weapons. He swung his fist, decapitating the first zombie, its blood splashing all over him, the walls and floor, the head settling down about 20 feet away. He grabbed the corpse, and used it as a shield as the other two zombies fired. Still angry and wanting to kill, he tossed the body aside, grabbing its shotgun, he held it like a club. He swung at the midsection of the second walking dead. A sickening *CRACK* resonated around as the zombie's midsection broke off, its legs seperated from its body. He started the think clearly once more, realizing that trying to rush the third would be stupid. He dived to the side as the final zombie opened fire, its red eyes blazing with hate. A quick blast from the marine's shotgun shut its eyes forever, the zombie's head exploding like a watermelon that had been dropped off a high building. The marine stood, hold the shotgun. Not only did he find some weird drug, that heals and makes you really damn strong, he also acquired a new shotgun to replace the old piece of shit bolt action single shot shotgun he had. This nice pump action had a 5 round clip. The marine grinned as he stroked the shotgun. This certainly upped his chances on become the highest thing on the food chain on this base. To do that though he would have to kill everything. He looked down at the shotgun again. His grin getting wider, he thought "no problem".

What do you think?

Share this post


Link to post

Who's a man and a half? I'm a man and a half! Berserker packin' man and a half!
Hehehe not bad, not bad.
There are a few grammatical mistakes that even a non-native english speaker (me) can see from half a mile away (ok I'm exaggerating, I confess), but it's a decent story with ok descriptions - that's good for me, because it'll help me to improve my written vocabulary :-]

Share this post


Link to post
dsm said:

Who's a man and a half? I'm a man and a half! Berserker packin' man and a half!
Hehehe not bad, not bad.
There are a few grammatical mistakes that even a non-native english speaker (me) can see from half a mile away (ok I'm exaggerating, I confess), but it's a decent story with ok descriptions - that's good for me, because it'll help me to improve my written vocabulary :-]


Tell me what errors I made, please, so I can learn how to properly spell them.

Share this post


Link to post

Most of the errors are towards the end - seems your concentration began to be lacking when were nearing the end of the writing process.
Some of the errors aren't that bad, but there a few places where something obvious is missing.

..something that would have not(not have) been possible had he not taken that drug
...
He swung (it)at the midsection of the second walking dead
...
The marine stood, hold(holding) the shotgun.
...
...that heals (you) and makes you really damn strong,
(I'm pretty damn sure that "heal" requires an object, I may be wrong though)
...
This nice pump action (shotgun) had a 5 round clip

Share this post


Link to post

dsm knows more about the English langauge than I do. And I live in American. Pretty sad on my part....

Share this post


Link to post
JavaGuy said:

dsm knows more about the English langauge than I do. And I live in American. Pretty sad on my part....

Well, I happen to be STUDYING the English language, so something should be seriously wrong if my English isn't half decent.

Share this post


Link to post
JavaGuy said:

dsm knows more about the English langauge than I do. And I live in American. Pretty sad on my part....

Language. America.

Share this post


Link to post
dsm said:

Most of the errors are towards the end - seems your concentration began to be lacking when were nearing the end of the writing process.
Some of the errors aren't that bad, but there a few places where something obvious is missing.

..something that would have not(not have) been possible had he not taken that drug
...
He swung (it)at the midsection of the second walking dead
...
The marine stood, hold(holding) the shotgun.
...
...that heals (you) and makes you really damn strong,
(I'm pretty damn sure that "heal" requires an object, I may be wrong though)
...
This nice pump action (shotgun) had a 5 round clip


Thanks DSM! I'll remeber to check my spelling next time.

Share this post


Link to post

[B]Who's a man and a half? I'm a man and a half! Berserker packin' man and a half!



For god sakes WHY DID YOU HAVE TO STEAL PHRAES FROM THAT GOD AWFUL DOOM COMIC!?!?!?


BTw, ok story bbg

Share this post


Link to post
dsm said:

..something that would have not(not have) been possible had he not taken that drug
...

I'm pretty sure that have not makes sense in that context...although not have is a better way of putting it.

He swung (it)at the midsection of the second walking dead

You don't need "it" there. Like I would say "I swung at the ball." I don't need to say "I swung the bat at the ball."

...that heals (you) and makes you really damn strong,
(I'm pretty damn sure that "heal" requires an object, I may be wrong though)

I'm pretty sure it works, because heals and makes is a compound predicate.

Share this post


Link to post
Archvile64 said:

I'm pretty sure that have not makes sense in that context...although not have is a better way of putting it.


You don't need "it" there. Like I would say "I swung at the ball." I don't need to say "I swung the bat at the ball."


I'm pretty sure it works, because heals and makes is a compound predicate.


Shit, I'll have my teacher proof-read it, why not huh?

Share this post


Link to post

Archvile64 said:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He swung (it)at the midsection of the second walking dead
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You don't need "it" there. Like I would say "I swung at the ball." I don't need to say "I swung the bat at the ball."

Maybe not, but if you ask me, it's not particularly good written language - if I wrote something like that in one of my English assignments, I would get a mark in the negatives. I've heard it in spoken language and even used it myself, but like I more or less mentioned: my English teachers wouldn't like it in a written text.

Share this post


Link to post

Eh, my teachers would be fine with it, as long as it was decently obvious as to what was being swung, etc. I guess it's just because you're learning English as a second language, and like you said in another post, people who have a second language often use better grammar in their second language than native speakers of the language do.

Or else it's just that I'm from Pittsburgh, and we have our own little language here =)

Share this post


Link to post

Or it's just my teachers who don't know English well enough ;-)

Share this post


Link to post
dsm said:

Or it's just my teachers who don't know English well enough ;-)


So...they teach English but they don't speak it well? Wtf!?

Share this post


Link to post
bigbadgangsta said:

So...they teach English but they don't speak it well? Wtf!?

I never said that they don't speak it well - I only hinted at that they might not know English quite as well as the more well-educated native speakers.

Share this post


Link to post
dsm said:

I never said that they don't speak it well - I only hinted at that they might not know English quite as well as the more well-educated native speakers.


Well, as you can see from this quote

dsm knows more about the English langauge than I do. And I live in American. Pretty sad on my part....


not all American natives speak perfect English ;)

Share this post


Link to post

Bloody hell, all this talk about your teachers makes me feel old :(
You've got some good ideas there, BBG - keep it up.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×