knows his birth month
Nice thread! Reading the text files is sometimes more fun than playing the WADs themselves.
The tongue-in-cheek angle seems to be pretty popular with WAD authors, here is a classic - the storyline of Dr. Sleep's Inferno series. The first two parts - "cantos", as the author calls them - are available on /idgames, the other five are part of Master Levels.
1st Canto - Dante's Gate:
After all this wackiness at the UAC base, you have lost track of your lady-friend, BEATRICE. How the two of you ever got separated is no great mystery, what with all these demons and devils running about, but you're damned if you're going to go through Hell for nothing. The only other survivor besides yourself and Beatrice is VIRGIL, the beatnik space poet. He last saw Beatrice by one of the warp-gates. Chances are she made it through -- but what's on the other side?
Only one way to find out. You'll have to go through DANTE'S GATE.
2nd Canto - Crossing Acheron:
Having passed through DANTE'S GATE and survived, you now find yourself in a keep on the shores of the river Acheron. This is the second leg of the journey in your search for Beatrice. Your guide, Virgil, is nowhere to be found. "He's buggered off!" you think to yourself; but you have no time now to even think: you are immediately challenged by several Demons, and in the distance you hear the eerie purring of the Arch-Vile (just be sure not to stare at him for too long before you start running.) As usual, you dispatch what fiends you may and begin the task at hand.
Your goal? To get the hell out of this place as quickly as possible and find your beloved Beatrice. You only hope that she has already passed through this hell-hole to a safer haven beyond. If only you could hold her in your arms again, you know what you would say:
"Gimme some sugar, Babe."
3rd Canto - Virgil's Lead:
In your search for Beatrice, you lost your guide Virgil (the beatnik space-poet) while crossing Acheron. But you've caught up with him again, and he's agreed to lead you through the current way-station (mostly because demons and undead sergeants are not much impressed with Virgil's way with words).
"You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun then you can a kind word."
"You belong to the NRA, don't you?" Virgil asks.
"No, I'm just a pessimistic pacifist."
4th Canto - Minos' Judgement:
In your search for Beatrice, your guide, Virgil (the beatnik space-poet) has just successfully lead you through the First Circle of Hades -- only to bring you to the court of Minos, the Judge of Hell.
"Well," you say, "this is another fine mess you've gotten us into. Now what?"
Virgil, with his usual loquacity, replies: "Heh heh."
5th Canto - Nessus:
Minos decided to grant leniency and not kill you until next week. In the meantime, having slipped past Cerberus, the top dog, you and Virgil come to a precipice overlooking the river Phlegethon. There, Virgil greets the Minotaur using phrases from an out-of-date "Passport to Demonese" by Charles Berlitz. Enraged at having been asked to remove his panties, the Minotaur falls upon the ground and throws a conniption fit. You grab Virgil and climb down some boulders to the foot of the cliff where Chiron, the chief Centaur, offers to have Nessus carry you across the river on his shoulders.
"Why, that's mighty white of ya'," says Virgil.
"No problem, sailor," says Nessus. "Hop on."
Too bad the last two cantos, Geryon and Vesperas, have no story. Writer's block? ;)
Robert Zubek's Hades' House of Horrors mini-series has an interesting storyline as well.
Part One: "...And Here Your Troubles Begin."
As usually at that time of the year, Hades was really, really bored. Aside from the usual job of taking care of the poor dead people, there was not much else he could do -- all of the goddesses were on vacations in far away lands, and Persephone herself was too busy watching the soap operas to even look at him. And that's when he came up with an idea how to entertain himself -- to build a maze-like house, put one of those unworthy mortals in it, and see if he'll be able to find the way out. Sadly enough, you happened to be the only person Hades could find before the sunlight started to hurt his eyes. And thus you have been dragged into the underworld, placed in the House, and the game began. The grand prize is your life.
Part Two: "The Winter Palace"
"Well, well, well..." started Hades, "You have solved that little puzzle with amazing speed... Good for you, my boy. How about something tougher?" Answering your icy glance, he quickly added "Okay, just a _little_ tougher..." His wide smile exposed strong and healthy teeth. Suddenly it came to your mind that no one ever saw Hades smiling -- or did not live to tell about it? "The problem is," he continued, "that I have one little palace I don't really like. One architect designed it for me some time ago, he was trying to suck up to me, you know, so I would let him live another 50 years or so. I didn't. Anyway, the place didn't suit my taste, really; it's so small and tight, and definitely not warm enough for a winter palace. So I decided that with some remodeling it would make an interesting puzzle for you. How about it? Oh, come on, I know you start to like these puzzles, don't you?" His voice became more and more patronizing. "It's good, you know, for your body, mind... and speed!" he said, and honoured you with another smile, clearly enjoying himself. Impatience, however, overcame him, and he quickly finished up his monologue -- "You are really good in conversations. It's a pity we've got to go now. I can't wait to see you in that palace. I only wonder how quickly you'll get out of there...
IF you'll get out...
It seems that Robert stopped after the second level. Curiously, a comment on the first part's /idgames page claims that the series went on, ending in a complete nine-level episode. After several fruitless searches through my shovelware CD-ROMs and online I tracked down Jive's (the comment's author) email addy - he used to run the Doom Legacy Wads site - and asked him about the elusive "megawad".
The reply that came a couple of months later, when I had given up waiting, was terse: "sorry but Doom is bad !" I was wondering if I got the wrong person when I noticed there was a PDF attached. It explained very colorfully (literally) why DOOM is bad and that's a story of its own. Read it at your own risk. :P
spoiler - highlight to read:
I will tell only ONE thing:
do you imagine Jesus playing Doom ?
Jive also had another site - GZDoom WADs. There's a small section there for his compilation of the two parts into a single WAD and it has no mention of the "megawad". I guess if it does exist only Jive and Jesus must know.
edit: added spoiler
Last edited by Never_Again on 11-17-10 at 03:09