|Anxiety Attacks||April 6, 2011, 2:43 pm|
My girlfriend suffers from frequent anxiety attacks. Usually at the most random times. Sometimes we'll be at a grocery store, or just sitting in my car, or right after sex, and she will tell me she's thinking some really bad thoughts and she starts to tremble in fear.
She's described it to me a few times. She says often when it's happening, she'll start reliving haunting memories, or she'll feel completely vulnerable and like something is going to kill her and there's nothing she can do about it even though she doesn't even know what it is. Sometimes she can detect it just before it's happening and she can convince herself everything is okay before it gets worse. Other times it spirals completely out of her own control and she's just shocked and cries until it dissappears, which can take up to 30 minutes of raw fear.
Sometimes she thinks about worst case scenarios and fears things like dying, or me dying, or me leaving her because she's crazy or something.
I've asked her several times what I should do if she's feeling that way. She said she just needs to be calmed down, like just to hold her or do something random or say something that will make her laugh. The thing is though, is that when I know its happening, I get kinda nervous and instead of being myself, I just kinda lock up or stall or something. I just kinda sit there and think "what do i do what do i do?"
I've looked up on websites before about helping someone cope with anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times they suggest things like giving a paper bag to breathe in an out of, but she doesn't have respiratory problems when its happening. Other websites say do not get frustrated, do not dismiss the attack by saying "its all in your head" or whatever, do not ignore the person, do not, do not, do not, but pretty much nothing about WHAT TO DO.
One time she was having an anxiety attack and in the middle of it, she took out her iPhone and started playing Skyburger and it kinda wore off from there. Something to distract herself from focusing so strongly on her haunting thoughts. Any ideas?
|iPods are gay||January 6, 2011, 2:48 pm|
yeah i know you know ipods are gay let me finish. God.
So i've been keeping all my music stored on my brothers hard drive because it's significantly bigger than mine and a few weeks ago he's been having problems with his web browser, and so he decided to wipe his hard drive and switch to Windows 7.
I bought a bunch of new CDs with gift cards i got for christmas and I really like them so I wanna throw the songs in my ipod. I had to download iTunes on his computer again and plugged in my ipod. I get a message saying that I was using a different version of iTunes on a different computer so in order to do anything to my ipod I have to erase everything and resync it.
So basically I have to start from scratch, putting in all my cds into the computer one at a time, importing the music from it so I can use it on my iPod. I have 141 CDs.
|Shitty Day||December 20, 2010, 10:49 pm|
|I just endured the full 24 hours of my birthday and none of you fuckers made a map for me. You guys are assholes and I'm quitting doom forever.|
|What's in Demand||December 12, 2010, 12:20 pm|
I managed to pull myself into a state of mind with my Doom mapping that to this day I sort of regret. I don't regret it totally, because my mapping was done with the utmost respect for the community and I had acquired many different skills and understanding of the map editor as a result of it. There were rewards involved and my contributions nominated me for to become this years mapper of the year. I'm extremely happy knowing that I have made a number of achievements here that will be documented for the rest of this site's lifetime. I've also recieved a cake commemorating my achievement from a friend of mine (I love you Julie!) i mentioned in this post. I feel like I could potentially use this award as a quality in my resume if I were to look into a career in video game level design. The drawback is that I am now realizing that I could be doing better. However, it could be different than what you think is better, it's not in my agenda to care.
A common trend that I'm recognizing more now than ever before is making its mark in so many industries. movies, video games, music, and even in this Doom community. There appears to be some sort of reasoning as to why entertainment industries are doing this, being as though it is a legitimate marketing strategy and it's profitable. This trend I'm recognizing is that we allow criticism to dictate our actions. Hollywood is responding to movie reviews of old favorites and attempting to remake the same movie better, using our longlived love for the original as the initial selling point. Modern scifi military shooters are inheriting the same gameplay mechanics from each other. regenerating health, class systems, immersive storylines, cinematic visuals, limited weapon slots, etc. Almost all pop music uses autotuned vocals and features artists singing about their desire to make it big and get drunk and "baby i love you; you're so fine you're so fine" bullshit. This stuff sells so it's recycled over and over as being something that's new and different when its roots and initiative are inherently exactly the same.
There's no profit involved with Doom mapping and I'm actually quite in favor of that. With profit out of the equation, you'd think that would create a counterculture of people where there's minimal incentive to listen to what people have to say about you or your mapping, and just do your own thing. Unfortunately, the train of thought that calls for making wads for attention and notoriety, where the rewards are in the satisfaction of knowing that there are people that can respect you for following all the "directions" of making a good Doom map. All our varying opinions and criticism of each others work boils down to a very strict canonical way of mapping that must be followed to avoid harsh criticism. I think my own mapping falls into this customary category of mapping and I think that helped forward my nomination towards mapper of the year, which makes me feel undeserving of the award.
I've found that my favorite mappers are mappers that are mapping for no one but themselves. Mappers whose thought process is along the lines of "If I can manipulate Doom, this is how I want my Doom to be" instead of "this is what I think people want their Doom to be" Some of my favorite mappers, such as Huy Pham, who created Deus Vult wanted to make an epic adventure, with extreme difficulty to put his own skills to the test, because Doom 2 on Nightmare mode just isn't enough for him. Erik Alm, who is a pretty predominant speedrunner created many maps with extreme numbers of monsters that call for fantastic speedrunning tactics to survive. The makers of Hell Revealed, Hell Revealed 2, and Alien Vendetta also made those wads for that same reason. These wads are timeless despite not meant to please all audiences. Players of these wads have to revert to the ideals of the mapper's playing strategy to enjoy it, and stretches the open-mindedness of the player. There are many other mappers I am sure make maps with this same mindset. If I were more close to these people I could make more mentions, but at the moment I feel that ArmouredBlood, Walter Confalionieri, and Boon Lived meet these qualities. (Again I'm sure there are more, but I'd have to make more time to play maps by various authors to recognize them)
There is without a doubt rewards in responding to criticism with your actions. You fix bugs in your maps, make them more playable, learn to avoid annoying quirks etc. Criticism has been the most important part of the results of my mapping, but it shouldn't be. Criticism shouldn't be most important for anyone. The most important part of mapping should be the mapper's core values. The mapper must pinpoint exactly the things he/she likes or dislikes about Doom and seek to enhance the things they enjoy, and improve on the things they dislike. Not what anyone else likes or dislikes. This allows the players to see Doom through your eyes and not through the eyes of the melting pot of map reviewers everywhere, who eventually all boil down to the same likes and dislikes unless more people were to branch out and spit out their wayward views on the game. Too often I see wads that are strict about aligning textures, having safe, not-too-hard but not-too-easy gameplay, traps tied to specific events, using new resources, simplified puzzles, etc. These things may seem to be the best qualities of a wad, in fact almost all of my maps utilize these things. But I feel as though these characteristics of "good" wads are limiting. Almost as if they serve as a barrier from people outletting their creative potential, and instead conform to these ideals to avoid negative response at themselves and their wads.
I'm just not phased by negative response anymore. I'm not going to seek to make people hate my maps, but for now on I'm going to stop following routine and strive to put emphasis on my mapping strengths more so than ever. I'm gonna exaggerate my favorite things about Doom and what makes doom so great. and make maps based on things that I enjoy about Doom and less about what other people think makes the best maps. I encourage anyone who wants to make wads for Doom to do the same.
|Non-relationship relationship||December 6, 2010, 1:17 pm|
There's a girl I work with that I've grown to be pretty good friends with. She moved in here about a month ago from Philadelphia because of something her mom got into; she doesn't like to talk about it, but she's kinda isolated here now because all of her best friends are in Philly and she doesn't drive. I started hanging out with her outside of work after she told me she was off for a few days on the same days I was off and that she was gonna be stuck at home bored as hell. Assuming she was trying to lead me on into asking her out on a date, I opted to chill with her for a little. (I later found out it was totally happenstance and she wasn't insinuating anything)
We've been hanging out pretty regularly. We'll spend long hours into the night doing dumb stuff and making fun of each other and messin around. Just the other day we built gingerbread houses. We really open up to each other about stuff at work and friends and whatever and found that our lives are very similar. We've talked about relationships and stuff and we also kinda realized that we both have a lot of friends, but no real best friend. In addition to that, in our experiences with people, usually when a group of friends makes a plan for a road trip or something, it almost always falls flat and the trip 99% of the time doesn't happen. We both shared a common trait that if we were to get a trip organized, we would totally go through with it, and planned a trip to Canada in the next couple months.
A few speculative people at work had asked us if we were dating. It certainly fucking looks like it being as though I find myself hanging out with her more in a single month than I have with some of my closest friends in the past year. We do stuff that I wouldn't usually do with someone that is just a friend. Last week we went bowling, went out and saw the movie Tangled and ate at a restaurant afterwards. The thing is, I don't really think either of us see each other as being a real good mate. We always make a joke out of everything; we literally told everyone at work that we were going to Canada to get married just to fuck with them!
Yesterday the two of us were gonna hang out, and she told me her friend was bartending in Philly and can get us in. I was out at work until 11pm and we were gonna go together so I wouldn't have to do so much driving. Her mom was going to drive us over and we would take a train back, but for whatever reason, her mom changed her mind and got all pissy about it. I suggested we take a train up too but then she got all pissy too and just wanted to drink. We kinda bickered over other things (stuff like what any couple would argue about) and eventually ended up with her telling me she was gonna just go to Philly by herself because she didnt want to get to the bar too late. I thought that was pretty lame of her and I told her she was the bitchiest person ive ever met. She told me to fuck off and she left for the bar.
If I had had that same argument with someone I'd consider to be my girlfriend, it probably would have been followed by a break up. Relationships always have so much tension. The thing that was crazy about this, is that 30 seconds later I wasn't even mad about the whole thing. She drunk dialed me that night at like 2am as I was playing Doom. She was all apologetic and asking if I hated her. I told her everything is cool (and it is) and she was like confessing her love to me and wishing i was there and whatever. I just kinda played along with it, making fun of her as usual just to tick her off since we never really get mad at each other over anything. I called her this morning to tell her about how she confessed her love for me and we just laughed about and she didn't feel awkward or offended or anything about it at all.
I don't know if this is a kind of relationship or not but if it were it's probably the most stable relationship I could ever have. I mean, I could ask her to marry me right now and be set for life. I'm not gonna do that yet because I'm too young to become an adult and get married and have a family. I still get enjoyment out of acting impulsively and not knowing the future that lies ahead. She'd probably say no anyway for the same reason. It's confusing but not in a bad way.
|Shortest song ever||December 2, 2010, 7:45 pm|
1:49 minutes in, fastcore band named "xBraniax" Track #47 - Trekkie Killer
My Ipod says 0:01 seconds long. I listen to it on repeat.
|Video Game Culture||November 28, 2010, 12:49 pm|
Recently I visited my neighborhood shopping center and stopped in Target to look around and hypothesize gift ideas for Christmas. I'm not one to actually pick out gifts at stores that are what the person would most likely enjoy, but instead look around at the options to get myself to think. I usually prefer to scope out each person's specific interests and come up with some kinda memorabilia to reflect that interest.
But anyway, I was walking around in Target and it didn't really strike me right away, but I was looking around various sections of the store and this obscure observation started to accumulate in credibility as I wandered about. It was something I wasn't really accustomed to growing up. The electronics area of the building occupied almost a quarter of the entire building. This isn't much of a surprise with all the new TV's and movies and the desire to have the best living room, but I noticed a lot of electronics related things seeping into other sections of the store. Around the literature section where they had a list of best selling books, I came across "The Halo Encyclopedia." among the many vampire themed books. When I was looking around the furniture section I walked in on an assortment of "Gaming Chairs" which are chairs that are comfortably laid back and allow for adjustments based on your mode of play, a lot like the driver's seat of a car. Also around the clothing section, I came across a bunch of Call of Duty articles of clothing such as T-Shirts and pajamas, overhearing a couple gazing at them exclaiming "Oh, Jeffery is gonna love this!"
As I was growing up, video gaming wasn't very popular and when I tried to talk about video games to kids at school, or anyone really, they were never really interested. Video gaming seemed like it was something to be ashamed of. I've grown to accept the fact that if I wanted to meet new people, I would need things more interesting to talk about than my favorite video games. I still regret the several years I spent strictly playing the video games I couldn't care less about now that I should have spent doing something productive or memorable. I came to that realization when I entered the work world and became aware of my lack of common sense due to having so few experiences in the real world. I don't think I'm a bad person now because of it, but I think I could have been better if I had realized it much sooner.
Today, it's almost as if habitual gaming is welcomed. I find this to be pretty disgusting. Not that kids are able to openly admit they play video games and talk about it on a regular basis without looking like an outcast, but because as a man who's been predisposed to playing video games growing up, I know there's nothing good that can come of it. Especially with how stupified games are these days, they communicate to the gamer like a fucking moron, spoonfeed them directions, and make multiplayer always fair and balanced, regardless of skill level. This virtual reality doesn't reflect anything in the real world. I don't think video game developers have a duty to fill in a parent's position, but I still think it's wrong to market video games like it's something people can be proud of being addicted to.
|Mapping||November 21, 2010, 11:42 am|
As of late I haven't been churning as many maps out as I used to. There's several people I said I was going to make a birthday map for and I hadn't gotten around to it. I haven't forgotten about you all and will get to it at some point.
I've been having a lot going on at this point. Nothing really bad, just fillers of my time. I've been working full time, I'm training to become manager, I go to school 3 days a week and am already falling behind on homework. I'm also struggling to sever ties with some people and spend more time with others. I'm still stuck in some situations where I can't tell if they are relationships or not and am indecisive on how I want to handle each one.
But anyway, the point is that I can't seem to make as much time for mapping as I used to. I haven't decided to quit mapping. In fact, much the opposite. I WANT to keep mapping. I love mapping and I love being able to document my changes in style and my improvements over time. (It's one of the few things that I have a historical timeline of) I also like to assume that you guys love playing Doom maps as much as I do so I WANT to continue contributing to the Doom community. I'm hoping in the near future I will be able to have some free time to continue doing what I love. During some moments of freetime I've still managed to create some unfinished layouts and such so maybe some day I'll be able to utilize it in my mapping.
I just wanted to keep you guys informed about what i've got going on and how it's been interfering with my consistent mapping pace over the last few months. I don't intend to ever 'leave' being as though I'm so attached to this game. I'll probably continue mapping until I die. At the moment I'm a little overwhelmed with stuff and I seem to be putting off mapping (among other things like a reasonable sleep schedule and having more than one meal a day) because of it. I dunno how long I can take it and hopefully in the near future I'll have some time to breathe so I can make maps again.
|I have a new facebook friend||November 13, 2010, 9:28 am|