|What the fuck happened..I don't even..||November 9, 2013, 11:45 am|
In light of my darker blog posts this year, here's some gibberish
Not a clue what was supposed to be happening last night. There was a "Where's Wally in "real life": D2TWID edition" part, which I might add, had nothing to do with D2TWID, it took place in some fictional village.
There was also a darkened woodland called "The Forest of Xier," which is in Canada. Apparently.
It too had nothing to do with Doom, yet there it felt like Doom at the time. Perhaps its because a certain community member whose username contains the letters X, e and r, like the forest was mentioned.
Some bizarre things happen in dreams. What next? A nightmare taking place in Club Doom, but instead of Revenants, there's just Mervert from Jayextee's Jip webcomic?
I think I'll take anti-sleeping capsules from my berserk pack instead.
Back to reality, and normalness still cannot be found. Just a few minutes ago, I somehow appeared in an IRC channel that contained Jimmy and some others. (#doommusicians, I think)
I've never even used IRC, I didn't even know there was an IRC channel for that purpose. Just how the fuck did I actually get there? I don't even...I don't even know why I was there either!
Hopefully following this, I can establish some grip on reality. I'll achieve this by going out this evening.
[spoiler]To a Hallowe'en party. Bollocks.[/spoiler]
|Starting College, Eridian Twilight is so getting Mordeth'd (tl;dr rant, again)||September 4, 2013, 5:31 pm|
I mean, progress was damn slow on that as it is, despite what the picture thread my show. I finished secondary school in June and started the GZDoom [s]epic[/s] PK3 with the target that "by September, I will have all the resources I need for this project, and the first two maps shall be completed with the third map in progress."
I'm not sure why I was working so slowly on it, but now, in September I've achieved the following:
I've slightly fallen behind it seems. Note that I'm not asking for help at all and this post shouldn't be interpreted as such. I don't deny that help will be needed eventually, but I'll deal with that when/if the time comes.
[B]WARNING: Pessimist has entered the building![/B]
Trouble is, college has started now, and I knew this was going to slow down progress a lot, of course it would.
I didn't realise how much until today. Oh holy shitting hell. A friend, who went to a different college (and has just finished) told me that he was told to do 5 hours of extra work per subject per week. Now I know I've got a fair bit of free time in my timetable but...that seems extremely high to me, and being someone who naturally dislikes stuff like that, the thought scares me shitless.
I'm doing Maths and it's further variant, Physics and a diploma in Music. I'm hoping Astrophysics might actually get me somewhere, and maybe I'm thinking too pessimistically about this but when I consider what I'm doing:
I'm only taking Physics for Astro. It's the very last thing they teach, end of second year. I'm quite interested in Nuclear physics, which is the second last thing they teach. The EM spectrum is pretty cool too, dunno where that is. Other physics is mostly ok, but..meh.
I'm only taking the two Maths because they supplement Physics + at least 4 subjects had to be taken.
I'm taking the diploma because I can. I love playing music, and that's pretty much all there is too it. Besides some other stuff, it's just playing in a band in diverse styles for ONE year.
They expect the same sort of effort in the diploma from all the other subjects, but I don't mind that because I love playing music.
I don't love Maths, and I don't love the other fields of Physics. Maybe there will be some new areas of physics that will turn out cool (I believe an introduction to quantum is coming), but that's not really good enough for me.
And obviously me, being my pessimistic, confidence lacking self, I'm not too sure if I'm really up to this. And its too late, because I can change my courses, but I have nothing to change to, and there's nothing else I was good at. Maybe Computing. Like that's ever going to do me any good.
And being really shy, I'm never going to try and ask to change course either, because if I do, I'm scared I'll get a load of shit from my mum (but my mum is not a massive f-f-f-fuckass, I'd like to clarify.)
As the above might've suggested, I do have, shall we say, issues. My self-esteem is lower than low. I've read about it, and nearly all "symptoms" of it seem to apply to me, (including one about taking negative criticism personally, which might just explain D2INO vs Tarnsman + Marcaek, which I now regret.)
Other problems, which may or may not show so well on the boards, include me getting pissed off at the slightest annoyances, and even pissed off with no reason whatsoever. This has been a lifelong problem but it's seriously escalated, which I don't like. Also, similar to the above, but more generalised and harder hitting, a lot of negative experiences nowadays have the potential to just rip me apart. I know I'm quite sensitive and like the anger, this has always been a problem, but the escalation of this problem is immense. When it does, I feel like I'm completely worthless and I'm no good to anyone on this world. I often feel like this anyway, however, the experiences generally intensify this, and increase the number of "dark thoughts" that run through my mind.
All of this started with the fish incident. I was middish-low before that, since then I've just plummeted. But the fish incident is resolved, things are back to the way they were (between me and her anyway), so I think I know why it hasn't helped me. You clever sod, DoomUK. He knew at least a month before I did. And until I'm over the fish, which will probably be never, I guess I'm stuck like this. What shit. There I was thinking college would make things easier, turns out it may just be getting worse. I hope the next few days there are better, naturally, I doubt they will be.
I suppose, given the content of blog posts in a similar manner to this, I look rather pathetic now with my "lol 16" problems. Apparently, there's no actual way to solve any of these problems either. I just have to get this stuff out, because it's temporary help to write about this stuff. I wrote a song about the problems with the fish, it's called "No End In Sight." Sorry NT, Sorry Lutz, Sorry Xaser. I just liked the name and it fits well. I guess all I can do is just hope for the best. Whatever I do, Mordeth will be released before Eridian Twilight.
Tl;dr? I don't blame you.
|A musical tribute idea for Doom's 20th anniversary||August 21, 2013, 5:28 pm|
It's something that's just occurred to me and if done right, could actually be extremely cool, and hopefully very memorable. I was thinking of songs that have lyrics compromised entirely of certain things, such as Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire, noting events between 1949 and 1989, or Sabaton's Metal ______ songs, composed of lyrics from metal songs, metal song titles, and rock/metal bands.
So I was thinking that I'd quite like to write a song, perhaps taking elements at stages from various songs in the IWAD soundtrack, but mainly just your average song I guess. What would make it special and fitting for 20 years of Doom, is that the lyrics would a be a tribute to the endless modding and mapping done by the Doom community since 1993*, with lyrics composed mostly of PWADs, maybe the occasional source port and gameplay mod. Maybe not perfect rhymes, but at least half-rhymes (if I define them correctly?) should get the sound right. The titles may not be exact, but will at least be clearly a reference to a WAD/Port/Mod
Some examples of such lyrics have come to me already, bear in mind I'm not the best lyricist :P
[QUOTE]Ploughing through Perdition's Gate, there's going to be Hell to Pay[/QUOTE]
We did it with one monster and ten sectors, even one hundred lines, and there's never gonna be an End in Sight![/QUOTE]
Of course, I use the term "we" referring to everyone who mod's Doom. Obviously I had no involvement with Perdition's Gate, I was -1 :P
Recording the song would be done with either one of two methods:
Either way, the vocals would have to be genuine. This could be a problem. My singing is..heh..in-tune at least, but I'm not a fan of my sound. I'm better suited as a backing vocalist IMO. Despite this, I'm told by some that I can actually sing well, even if I do disagree. I don't know, I don't like it too much myself, but I guess there must be people who like it. It's not exactly a case of them being nice, since one of them would not hesitate to say if he thought I was no good :P Then again, Don't Stop Believing was playing pretty damn loud at the time.
Despite the lack of confidence in my vocal unabilities, does this seem like a good/nice idea? I personally love the idea of doing something like this, and it would be the only creative way I could mark the 20th anniversary of Doom myself. I'd rather hear the opinions of you - the Doom Community, since you created the material to make something like this even possible. Thanks
EDIT: Oh and there's no Impse option, for Great Justice.
*Okay, ORIGWAD was released in early 1994, but that's still close enough for me to define 20 years of modding.
|[ErisMusic] Simplicity of Sorrow||August 9, 2013, 4:21 pm|
This makes MAP31 in the Plutonia MIDI Pack seem like the happiest track ever. I didn't think I'd ever manage something with a sadder tone than that track, but it's been done.
Truth is, I wrote this song back in 2011. I was 14. I used to record it on to my shitty keyboard and I thought it was great. It was based on a segment of the theme tune to Medal of Honor Frontline. There was a string section where they managed to have a chord sequence, and the top note of each chord was always the same. I took this sound and used it here, and then put a violin melody over it. After a synth break, the piece expands into one of those large symphonic pieces you usually get in science programs, like Wonders of the Universe.
I am just so pleased with how this has turned out. By far, my favourite part of the track is bars 68-70 (4:28 to 4:40 in the video). It brings a tear to my eye, and that's something that very rarely happens with any music, and especially not on my own.
This was not written for the default MIDI sound, hence I have not provided a download of the original MIDI, because it sounds fucking cataclysmic under Microsoft GS.
Thanks in advance for listening.
|ErisMusic - Two new tracks added (15/2)||July 24, 2013, 2:58 pm|
In the interest of not ending up with loads of blog threads for my music, this is now where all my musical drivel goes from now on. My own work and remixes are done in MIDI, and rendered into MP3 with various soundfonts. Some appear in PWADs, some don't.
[U][B]OWN WORK[/B][/U] - In alphabetagammacal order
[B]Blood Rush (2013)[/B] - Power Metal. D_THEDA2 (MAP12) of the Plutonia MIDI Pack. Extended from official version.
[B]Blood Rush (Techno) (2013)[/B] - Joke version
[B]CounterMutation (2013)[/B] - Experimental. Originally for TNT2. - MIDI download
[B]Cry of Desperation (2013)[/B] - Melancholy. Composed for the Plutonia MIDI Pack project. Appears in MAP31.
[B]Ionian Isolation (2013/14)[/B] - Eerie ambient.
[B]Lost Hope (2011/13) - Sad ambient. Music for an alternative reality where Doomguy died in E1M8. Originally a re-imagining of "Mutation" by Aubrey Hodges.
[B]Simplicity of Sorrow (2011/13) - Sad violin track. Builds up into a rather epic scale.
[B]Vengeance (2014) - Metallic rock. Probably heaviest track yet. Victory music in D2INO.
[B]The Demons from My Mind - Doom E2M2
[B]Requiem - TNT Stats
[B]BORN TO DO THIS[/B] - From RuneScape (original version here)
[B]MAUSOLEUM[/B] - From RuneScape (original version here) - MIDI download
Thank you in advance for taking the time to listen to these.
|Happy birthday to Tom Cruise!||July 2, 2013, 6:52 pm|
...and now we've got that out of the way; happy birthday to me!
So..16, this is probably the most significant yet.
Yay..What I know I won't get is the gift of good HUD sprite production.
|Finished school... [this thread stinks of fish]||June 17, 2013, 12:16 pm|
[B]POINTLESS POST TIME[/B]
Yay, 10 weeks off :P This officially means I can get started on my GZDoom project.
I really hope I'm up to this, I'm no artist and I have quite a lot of stuff to make, including the stat bar, new weapons, new monsters (DECORATE :O) sky(boxes), scripting, massive UDMF maps, self-discouragement..
Another plus side to finishing school is that I never have to go near the "fish" again, and hopefully this will help me with my..problems.
It was quite funny though, it was comparable to a Disney film: Me and my friend walked down to the local ASDA, which is basically where all the rebels go for some reason. He needed to buy some stuff for a "fish" that he was trying to "reel in."
As we walked around it randomly occurred to me: "Doesn't [fish]'s mum do the weekly shop here on Mondays..?"
I dismiss the thought, and then we turn down the next aisle and...guess what..
[QUOTE]Huh, she looks familiar...wait..is it? it is! It's [fish]'s mum![/QUOTE]
Which wouldn't be a problem, but it depended on how much she knew. Did she knew [fish] hated me? Did she know that I apparently made the fish suicidal?
Hence my thought processed continues:
I walk along the aisle significantly quicker than before, not sure if she even recognised me.
The guy I was with is great - I'm in a band with him - but he's not the best person for situations like this. I say to him quietly as I pass "It's [fish]'s mum!" to which he starts talking above average volume about the fish and how I liked her. Needless to say I didn't look back. I was expecting an axe to go in the back of my head actually.
Looking back on it, it was kinda funny :P
So..no fish, no work. Let the Twilight descend!
|A TNT celebration||June 2, 2013, 6:42 am|
Fucking yes. I've been looking for this remix for ages
Turns out it wasn't Lorcan, like I thought it was.
|Shit happens. Deal with it (tl;dr rant)||May 8, 2013, 12:25 pm|
Back in January, I wrote a sad story. It wasn't fictional like the title suggested, infact, the only fictional element of it were the characters names, starring me as the protagonist, James.
The story ends with me getting rejected by a girl after liking her for over 4 years, [s]and I decide to try and get over her[/s] hehe no no no. For some reason, I was stupid enough to think I still had a chance so I continued chasing her. Wasn't a problem until recently. Now I'm glad it didn't happen. I dodged a bullet there. What a week this has been.
Seriously, who in their right mind thinks that their closest friends don't care about them? Emphasis on "right mind"...
I'm not even sure how I can put this...Right. She's sad, thinking that most people don't care about her. I, being one of the few that she knows still care about her, try to convince her that they do still care. And it was hardly like I was making shit up. She was being a bitch to them. She got angry at some of the smallest things, to the point where she was getting pissed off with them for the sake of it. This really upset them, and they told me how they still care, but they try to tell her and she doesn't listen.
So I repeat their words to her, and she doesn't believe me. The next day, she's got a huge-ass plaster on her arm, and she refuses to talk about how this so-called "accident" happened. How fucking thick did she think we were? She cut herself, based on a false assumption. I'll come back to assumptions later.
Naturally - still liking her loads for some deluded reason - I go into an absolute panic, and I persevere, trying to point out to her how she's hurting everyone else.
Ugh...it seemed like it was working, until this weekend. She seemed much happier, she was talking to everyone, and everything was running smoothly as far as I could see. She tells me that she might watch a film. She describes it to me, and it sounds awful, and after she had told me that she had just hated that particular kind of film, I ask her "You aren't really going to watch it, are you?"
The response: Already am! You don't have to be so rude about it! (ragequit)
Are you actually fucking kidding me?! She actually got pissed off at me because I assumed that a film was shit, even though I apparently knew nothing about it. Well I did know stuff about it, because you fucking told me! And you're getting pissed off because I've acted on an 'assumption?'
And the final layer of my stupidity is removed. Because she had done this many times to her friends and I overlooked it. She's done it to me, and this pissed me off. Naturally, I don't bother talking to her again.
Yesterday, I find out that she's still all upset and angry about people not caring about her, and now I'm in the bunch that don't care too.
In the past year that I've been talking to her all the time, I have shown numerous times that I care. I would always ask how she was, and I would always try to help her with stuff. I nearly lost the aforementioned friends by being stupid and taking her side in this situation, and now she's telling me that I don't fucking care about her?
This was the last straw for me, and when another friend tried to get us to talk, there was a massive argument. I wasn't going to be the nice, caring guy that I had been to her for the past year, because I've really seen who she is now. She is an attention-seeking, self-centred bitch who get's pissed off if stuff doesn't go perfect for her, and if she were a doomer, then 40oz would be sharing his custom title. I can't believe I was this blind. My friends and my mum told me this so many times, and I laughed them off. And then she told me why she wouldn't believe me when I was trying to convince her people cared: I was biased.
Yeah, that's right, she took my now-destroyed feelings for her and used them against me, and told me that apparently I was forcing her to talk about it. So she gets upset if people don't care, and furious if they do. What the fuck does she want exactly?
Suppose she expected me to try and be nice about her getting like this for the billionth time and try to fix things. Well, no. Shit happens, and she needs to deal with it. She's got another set of friends, so if we're all complete assholes like she says we are, then she can piss off and stick around with them. I'm not letting her get to me any more. Besides, she hates me, so I doubt I'll be hearing from her any time soon, thank fuck.
I don't hate her back, but damn I am pissed off with her. I'm not forgiving her for this any time soon. And of course, she won't forgive me.
In the unlikely event that she does, I'm still not forgiving her until I've seen that she's stopped acting like a damn child and she actually cares about people other than herself. Ironically, she's older than me. She reminds me of myself when I was in primary school 5+ years ago. Not a good thing at all.
Anyway, here endeth the rant. I'd be impressed if you're still reading, and I'm glad to have got this out of my system.
[B]tl;dr version:[/B]Liked a girl for nearly 5 years, realised she was a bitch, she now hates me and I don't want anything to do with her. The End[/QUOTE]
|Joseph Lord does the best PM responses + D2INO rant||May 6, 2013, 1:51 pm|
Dunno why, but there's something about this that amuses me. Perhaps it's because the initial message is (comparatively) long and formal, and the response consists of 2 characters.
I must thank you JL, for making me smile :P