|That was interesting.||September 27, 2010, 9:27 am|
|I was standing outside one of the lecture halls on campus where I work, having a cigarette, as I tend to do when taking a break at work, when a thirty-something woman in hipster glasses approaches me. She looks like she’s going to say something, like a normal person would, but instead she decides that it’s better to scratch my hand with her bright red fake plastic fingernails, take my cigarette, and throw it away. I look at her as if she’s insane, which only angers her further. In an authoritative voice tempered with an illusion of moral superiority that can only be achieved with years of practice in front of her cats, she said “I’m fucking sick of seeing college kids fucking smoking!” She walks off, and I tell her to blow me. As she’s walking into the building, she says “lose a couple of pounds!” I can only assume she was looking out for my health the entire time and that I should thank her. That, or she will give me a blow job if I lose weight.|
|Needs More Detail (tm)||January 11, 2007, 9:41 pm|
|6 easy steps to unexpected humor.||October 3, 2006, 3:09 pm|
1. Stumble upon a bit of Doomworld forum drama.
2. In response to this drama, decide to create a quick jokewad, as it is customary to do so after forum drama. Do not spend more than six hours on this piece, especially if you have a paper due the following week.
3. Release it to the public under an assumed name (the name of the drama queen who started that drama) in order to continue the running joke, but put your actual e-mail address in the text file in order to leave a clue (other than the ridiculous WAD) that this is, in fact, a joke perpetrated by someone in the community. Don't forget to title by putting a "z" on the end of a recognized phrase to make it TOTALLY BALLIN'.
4. Expect people to hate you. In fact, expect people to throw accusations that you consume fetuses.
5. Be pleasantly surprised when people take the wad seriously. Do not destroy the fantasy that someone is actually making fun of the newstuff reviewers for doing their jobs, rather than a person making fun of a forum drama queen for being a mong.
6. On risk of being losered, tell everyone that they've made a terrible mistake, but don't apologize, because the outcome of the original bad joke wad was funnier (to the author) than the wad itself.
I wish that this shit had come up around the end of March. A joke is only as good as the timing.
|Youth. Friendship. Snakes.||August 15, 2006, 12:14 pm|
I had nothing to do with the making of this trailer. That cum dumpster in the gay green leafy shirt did it.
|Holday Dilemmas #67||December 24, 2005, 11:21 am|
-Noon, December 24, 2005
I'm sitting at my laptop, typing, in a jungle of a bedroom that looks like a musician's Penthouse suite after their first farewell tour.
I'm recovering from a NyQuil-induced coma from last night, as my body wasn't aware that it was time to sleep after being awake for 36 hours. I woke up groggy, at 4 AM, after eight hours of sleep.
Some animated version of A Christmas Carol is blaring from the television, on Cartoon Network. This, I think to myself, at least isn't anime.
I've returned from town, which is buzzing with activity. I needed to cash my paycheck and pick up supplies for the weekend. I'll be going up to Massachusetts tommorow for Christmas, and the proper things were required for survival in the wilderness that is the family.
I woke up. When I saw my mother walking down the stairs into the living room, I thought "Jesus, she must have been wasted last night!" She wasn't, she was going through that ever-feared and sugar-coated "time of the month." If there's anything at Christmas that doesn't need to be sugar-coated, it's that insanity. She answered my thought, saying "No, I didn't srink last night." I was afraid to speak, because if I did, I thought that there might be another level to it, and that if she could hear my thoughts, what could she hear if I spoke?
I learned later that my brother's girlfriend had slept here last night after she went with my brother to game night, a spectacle participated in between four friends. The game is Dungeons and Dragons.
My mother hates her, to understate the point, and if she knew that the girl was sleeping here last night, staying today, and sleeping here until tommorow, only to travel with us up to Mass., there would be an atomic explosion like none ever seen.
I decided that I needed the following, just for today.
-8 cans of Starbuck's Doubleshot espresso & cream.
-A bottle of Ginger Ale, for my quesy stomach.
-Package of 1 dozen pop tarts
-A lighter, so that I can lightly toast the pop tarts without leaving my bedroom
-Tim Horton's tea, which I was able to get for free because the former night-shift manager was working, and she's the only manager I feel that I'm on speaking terms with.
-1 muffin, to restore the carbohydrates missing after the NyQuil coma
The drinks are now chilling in my window, closed between the room and the outside world, which is about ten degrees above freezing. Except for the tea, which leaked rather badly over my Judas Priest shirt.
|Insane forrest gump'd weapon guitar divine spoiler bookstore crash||November 20, 2005, 2:49 pm|
This is the Bass Guitar of Incredible Power. Today, I decided that instead of having it shoot lightning and play self-recorded notes from the bass, I'd have it shoot a three-part, color stream of plasma. That travels through enemies. And tracks. And plays the bass line from superfreak. Superfreak, which I just heard emulated on a commercial to a dancing Tigger doll.
I cannot say that I was completely sober while thinking of this.
The above picture is the result. The beam travels through the enemy, and can turn around and hit it again unless it hits a wall first, but it seems that when past the sprite, it will fly in a different direction.
|Dick Cheney Condones Torture||November 9, 2005, 8:42 pm|
|What DVDs are in your collection?||October 16, 2005, 10:32 am|
Do you collect DVDs? Or movies? What do you have?
(If this topic has been done before, send it to hell. I used the search and didn't find it.)
|*bangs head against a desk*||August 27, 2005, 11:40 pm|
I've never been so happy to think that I might be fired from my job.
The new manager (who's been there longer than the last) has been hiring new people off the street. I'm thinking that maybe they'd hire someone to replace the jackass who almost got me fired for stealing, but they couldn't get anything on the cameras.
Because they couldn't get anything on the cameras, they're installing new cameras. And audio equipment to monitor conversations.
I'm sorry, I thought this was Amerika.
I walked in today for night shift, working with someone I had never met. There were two people in the back room of the store whom I'd never met. One of them was shocked, shocked I tell ya, when I said that the cash drawer was eight dollars over. She counted it four more times, taking half an hour. I'd been working there for five months longer than her and didn't count the cash, so it was obviously my fault.
On her way out, I tried to exchange as few words as possible, because this girl was a complete and total bitch.
"You're going to have to assign yourself to drive thru."
"What about counter?"
"Well, she doesn't have a code to clock in yet, so she can't get on a drawer."
So, only one drawer was going throughout the night. Wonderful.
"Oh yeah," this horrible excuse for a human being said, "We need cookies and sandwich bread. You know how to bake right?"
"Yeah, sure." I said, knowing that nothing would be baked because baking items after three o' clock is idiotic, as none will be consumed.
"Oh, and you have to get the drive thru time between 25 seconds and 45 secods because its, like, the worst in the district."
"Really?" I said, "No shit. You should see a doctor about that."
Luckily, she didn't hear the last part, in the same way that I didn't listen to about half the things she said.
I'm paid minimum wage to clean up after the bakers (because they have three hours of work, then five hours of shooting the shit with management, certainly not enough time to clean glaze , frosting, or anything in the kitchen for that matter) and now I'm supposed to BE the baker?
The person who was hired, who I was working with, used to work nights at the chain that Tim Horton's bought out. This is a whole different place to her. So, naturally, the Assistant manager left a note to the last people she worked with saying NOT TO TRAIN HER FOR THE JOB. So, now there is someone who doesn't know how to make 3/4 the drinks, any sandwiches, or mix the fixins for the frozen drink.
Tonight, for some odd reason, business was doubled, and every dumb bastard tourist with an awful grasp of english wanted something familiar. Twice the business, one drawer. This caused some problems when trying to make drive thru time "acceptable."
A woman and two children ordered six bagels, six muffins, four donuts, four donut holes (two in each bag, so the kids don't shit a brick when chocolate glazed is mixed with old fashioned), and a black coffee. I haven't eaten that much shit from the place while working there.
I had a man ask me for "Ameddican Coffee." Not what size, not how it's made, not hot or iced, just "American."
Well, if I wanted to make an American coffee, it would be in a flag decorated 64-oz tub with pure white cream and six million sugars. Fat, white, sugary, good morning America, how are ya?
And I had to train this person, because she gets to work with my thieving friend tommorow who does NOTHING.
This is how people spontaneously combust.
|Too much stress for $6.75 an hour||August 7, 2005, 9:47 pm|
The grand total for profits in the donut shop drive thru for four hours tonight?
$4.67. Obviously incorrect, considering the fact that the one sandwich sold was worth more than that.
One of my co workers is embezzling and I'm likely going to be blamed. Fun fun fun.