|Musing and meandering on meaning.||September 5, 2013, 7:01 am|
Had this dream last night (are all my blog posts going to be about dreams in one way or another? I'll let you know after my next sleep!) where I was upset. Like, truly and utterly depressed about a few things.
Namely, spending three years at University (studying animation) only to be too ashamed of the experience to collect my degree certificate; the whole journey of identifying as an artist and all the pretentious horsewank that goes with that; and the following three years of joblessness in one form or another.
Not just doleful unemployment, as I've been prone to anxiety/depression for most of my adult life -- and my father getting ill from cancer and passing away exacerbated this no end. A year or so ago, the powers-that-be declared that I can't claim any sickness benefit/allowance for this (UK government looking to kick everybody off disability benefits eventually, it would seem), so I'm looking for work.
Now, a part of this 'looking for work' thing is looking for the actual work. But, where I live is pretty much a cultural and economic void; an ex-mining area with little-to-nothing to offer since the pits were shut down, so there's a few decades of stagnancy there. Jobs are thin on the ground, and a lot of other unemployed people in the area means that it ain't happening in a hurry. And so, I turned my eyes toward freelance illustration.
Now. I don't know how much anyone here knows about freelancing, but it's kinda like this. It's not a job. Unless a job involves standing in a desert trying to shoot down the occasional buzzard or vulture for food, and that's all you have to live on until you can shoot the next one. Now think about how many people actually want or need art in their lives.
Chasing up clients (or 'would-be' clients, since everyone seems to want artwork right up until they have to pay for it, but that's another rant) far outweighs the stress of any real job I've had. I've done a few things; mainly caricature portraits of clients' loved-ones, but I also (for a short while) drew a comic strip for a local radio station's website. None of which pays well. Right now, I haven't had a client for months. I'm not even sure I want to draw anymore, paid or not.
My dream last night was mainly me despairing that I've come to this, and I woke up feeling exactly the fucking same.
I'm trying to get back to my art. Hell, I've attempted to get back to a comic that I started before my three years of University.
Here's an unfinished page of Trashfield. In itself, I was working out a plot arc about some students who start University (hey, write what you know. Right?) in a crap town (again, write what you know) which is taken over by zombies (write what you-bollocks, I want some chaos :3 ). My love of independent and alternative comics shows through here, as I go for a raw grittiness that is so different to the sheen and polish of Big Two comics -- which is how I like it.
In the UK, the alternative comics scene is largely dead. I used to have this 'spark', this inclination that I had my niche right there; that I could be a voice in the silence or something.
I don't know now. I lost what inspired me to get the hell on with this (and to a lesser extent a webcomic I used to do for fun).
I may, however, finish that Trashfield page off. It is lying around after I dug it out to scan it. At least then, I'll have done something. For the first time in months.
|A crazy dream about a UFO||July 2, 2013, 6:03 am|
I had my first crazy dream in ages. I love it when that happens, but it's been very rare of late.
It was on the news: the UK Government revealed the REAL reason they've been making all the 'austerity' cuts to public services and welfare -- to fund a thing called Project Penelope, which was a village-sized UFO designed to orbit the Earth and be self-sufficient and only house the rich people of the UK so they could bugger off and leave this piece of crap country to the peons. It looked like two neon-blue sloped hexagon-shaped structures, pressed together like a burger bun but they rotated in opposing directions.
It was also reportedly the same thing seen above protests in Brazil, which was supposed to be a 'secret' test or something.
I did not, unfortunately, wake up wearing a tin-foil hat. I'm not a 'believer' as it were, but I love crazy dreams because sometimes I rip them off for storylines of my own things.
|Somnambulism?||June 21, 2013, 8:28 am|
I don't know.
I had this crazy dream, where I was in a kingdom and threatened with banishment unless I could slay the beast in the moat surrounding the castle. ONWARD I GO!
I can remember diving out of bed like it was important, and taking to the floor. I was not, however, on the floor. I had dived out of the castle and into a small wooden dinghy, and was circling the castle as it towered over me. I gazed at the surrounding forest and took in the chill of the twilight air, hoping to prove my worth. I looked back at the castle and felt crestfallen; I was really enjoying that sleep.
That sleep? Ah, yes! In a sudden, the castle morphed into the bed, and the forest became the various furniture littered around the room. I was not in a dinghy, I was lay on the floor; half-asleep in the cold.
I got back into bed, a bit embarrassed. This has never happened before. I'm not sure it was sleep-walking per se, but it was weird. I don't even.
|Who the fuck was Jayextee?||June 13, 2013, 4:54 pm|
Y'know, it bothered me that when I came back to Doomworld I couldn't remember my old password and get my old account back. Signed in as 'ComicMischief' because that's a handle I use elsewhere sometimes, but it just wasn't the same, man...
...I mean, a quick Google search revealed some teen-angsty old blogs of mine on here with bad spelling and references to things I've since forgotten and are now incomprehensible, and I should be embarrassed but damn man - it was me!
I remembered the password. Just now. Actually, I came across an old blog on here whilst seeing if there was any chance in hell I uploaded my old Heretic levels anywhere but my old Geocities. Nope. But somehow I remembered through ten years of password changes and got the account back. Fuck yes.
New guys here, you don't need to know what I just said. Old guys, if you remember who the fuck I was (I made a leaving post at some point a decade ago and got words to the effect, hahahah). It's great to have the old underwear back, is all.
Also something something Murderous Intent 2... (I'm kidding)
|Bleh, randomness (Images -- be warned)||May 23, 2005, 11:00 am|
I've done a few of these. They're dumb.
Been playing Heretic a lot recently. I tend to go through phases where I play something a hell of a lot to the detriment of all else. Heretic is the current game I'm doing this with. The levels aren't up to much, visually, but the weapons are awesome, and it's so much fun to play.
Hah, college is finally going fine again, since I busted my ass, and went overboard with it. I've now got my final major project nearly ready to be handed in... with only two weeks to spare.
Never mind. I could do with some more spare time ;)
|So, I'm making a new levelset...||March 24, 2005, 8:18 am|
...I need something to focus on, since I just became single, this very morning, yay.
So, anyways, till I get a new monitor (Better than the 16-colour display I'm forced to work with right now), I'm doing all the planning on paper, with a pen.
Spent the night last night crucnhing numbers. I like the monster balance I've got, it all works out well. I mean, I'm going to havwe to adjust damages and things (probably DDF) so that all figures are EXACT, as opposed to this little random thing Doom tends to do, but this should add a new flavour to the gameplay. Bear in mind, how much I love my shmups, so this is going to be a lot of fun.
I'm also drafting in a friend who has absolutely no experience in Doom editing to help; he's got a good knowledge of 3D space, through his model and stage set making experience, and he used to work for Games Workshop; he's going over my figures to make sure they work, which by and large -- they do.
This is, of course, audacious. To think that I can adjust a classic game's balance to make it better. But in all, it's an experiment, as a precursor to a much larger project, possibly a univeristy portfolio filler. But then, by taking development away from a PC, and making things work in a "real" context first, I think this will turn out to be something very special. Not innovative in any way, just very, very finely honed.
I'll post details if anybody shows interest ;)
|Blog-ish||March 23, 2005, 10:15 am|
So, the planning for my new proj is going as smoothly as possibly can without a working monitor :D
Given that I'm changing game balance, I can do a lot of working out purely on paper, using math. Damn, you know you're a geek when you can do that.
This thing is going to rock. It's going to play more traditionally (In terms of "old-school" play mechanics) than most Doom projects, due to the simple changes I'm making... certainly have some VERY interesting ideas here. And, given my love of boss levels in games, look for lots of "set-piece" encounters. When I can gets me a freakin' monitor, heh.
I can't think off the top of my head how to describe how this will play, but it'll be an interesting experiment, diversion even, if nothing else.
And for all you narratology-whores out there; the atmospherics will be as good as I can get them. Story is basically already written (Since I'm using an old one of mine). Working title of "Necros"... that's about all I can really tell at the moment.
I mean, I'd scan some planning sketches, but nobody ever previews a WAD like that... hey, maybe I ought to ;)
|Murphy's Law||March 21, 2005, 9:42 am|
I feel creative. VERY creative. I had an idea for such a kickass level theme... and my monitor is still broken. I wanted to spend the night drawing textures, and later make a map.
You might have to newproject me when I get a new monitor. :p
I think the time is right for me to work on the levelset I've been wanting to. Probably be for EDGE, though because I can 'do' extrafloors and vertical lighting with it (Yeah, I know "Blah blah otherport can do blah. SHUT UP. Between college, I don't want to learn anything new. Too stressed).
The official line is that I'm not working on Murderous Intent 2 anymore, because I'm fed up with the sequel thing altogether; the mindset, the mentality. It no longer floats my boat.
Hmmm... well, I guess I can do some planning on paper, since I've never done that for a wad before. Let me reel off the planned features;
- LEVELS! This level set has levels!
- MONSTERS! There are monsters in the levels!
- WEAPONS! You can pick up weapons to kill monsters!
- POWREUPS! Ditto!
- FEATURES! This wad will be utterly devoid of bandwagonesque features!
Sorry about the sarcasm. I'm in a negative mood, possibly because a split with my girlfriend is looming. Sorry y'all. I'm going to need some outlet to get over this. You'll see another map from me soon.
|Blogs are llame... Darth Jrrr++||March 2, 2005, 8:04 am|
Well, I usually blog instead on my livejournal (Mostly locked to friends only these days, apart from when I show off artwork), but I'm blogging here, since my recent LJ posts are weirdass things like how there's a BREAST on one of the wallmounts in our local Subway. Not a vegetable, a BREAST.
Anyways, for the curious ("Who the hell is this?") here's me;
Taken at college in September. Yes, pink hair. It's all black now. Alltogether now with the chants of "Goth" if you want, but I'll make some sorry excuse how I'm not, and all that. You know the drill :P
Also, check my page for artwork and stuff, which I spend a lot of time doing.
Anyways, blogging. Wow, it's been a helluva year. March now. Wow. This is an entire year since I was last discharged from my local Mental Health Ward. Wish I was kidding you, folks. Depression got reaal bad, and a year since, I've picked things up. Doing well at college (I'm there again!), got my own place (Yay, no annoying parents) and a gorgeous girlfriend (No, I'm not posting a pic. Perverts :P Actually, had I any, I would. I may have to get handy with the ol' scanner). Things are working out.
And I'm back here, DW. I loves you guys, you knows it (Yes, GLC). I don't know how go the editing, because my monitor's broken, so I'm probably going to make the leap and go flatscreen ^_^. Maybe. I'm toying around with making a level to display some gameplay concepts I'm toying with. Nothing revolutionary, just basic gameplay stuff, refined and unified completely. Should be fun.
Yeah, I'm a biiiig nerd now, when it comes to ludology (Noun: Study of gameplay, basically). I started to hate talking games at college, because nobody knows what I'm talking about when I blather on about manipulating virtual space, time management and peripheral factors... I'm writing a paper. I'm not even at uni yet, and I'm writing a bloody paper on something that nobody has a bleeding clue about. Well, the literati and academia seem to have at least half a clue.
What? Videogames are, as we're all told, as a media very much in their infancy. There are tons of concepts and ideas waiting to be discovered, or in my case recognised. At some point in the paper, I'm probably going to use Doom as an example of axes within dimensions... Doom is indeed 2D in gamplay terms, but not by the classically recognised standard, since in terms of manipulable spatial dimensions, X,Y and Z don't really cut it -- they're merely axes of one form of manipulation, one dimension. Of a possible three (Manipulable dimensions; Position, Angle and Size of a player entity. Since Doom has no crouch as standard, the player's size never changes - crouching makes the entities' are smaller - therefore we have manipulation of position; 2 axes; and angle; 1 axis). Lost you? I guess I really need to finish the damn paper. I feel like I've discovered the motherfucking videogame atom here, metaphorcally speaking. Being a far-lefty, I'll share the info when it's properly realised, so that (theoretically) y'all can be playing far better user-made levels. Or if I make it into The Industry, better games. Who doesn't want that? ;)
I'd love this to turn into a discussion, if anybody has any kind of feedback to this waffle. ^_^
Hmmm... I rambled. In such a way I can't on LJ, under my friends' scrutiny. Heh.
Told you blogs are llame, this is proof ;). Well, ciao.
This read (less) like Japanese, so I clarified a bit.[/edit]
|GOODBYE DOOMWORLD, heh.||February 18, 2005, 8:21 am|
I'm funny. Seriously.
By goodbye I mean hello. Just dropping in, I have a break between my busy college and social life. Heh.
I'm toying round with the idea of going back to editing (AGAIN) actually. Nothing major, probably just a map with some custom textures. Since college work forced me to get a new computer that doesn't totally suck (For the record, my crusty P200 dies, I now have a cheap P3-800... it'll do).
So, ah, HI FELLAS!!!!
Glad to see that some of the old faces are still here.