|long distance boredom||January 20, 2017, 12:51 pm|
So, I've been in some long distance relationship for about 2 months. We haven't met yet, just webcam and text. Initially I started the relationship by asking if she wants to meet me and she said yes. I thought we'd meet after a week, the next weekend. But now everytime there's been any talk about meeting, there's always "this and that" why we can't meet. I tried to end it a month ago, but she said she has feelings and had thought more about actually meeting, so I thought to give it another chance.
Well, I'm getting bored. The initial crush feelings have faded. There are no interesting conversations anymore. All the "physical contact" has been just words, and words lose their meaning pretty quick if there's no action. If I feel like this and she asked to meet, doubt I even wanted to go. I feel like the meeting would last for 10 minutes, with some discussion about "how are you?" and then... awkward silence.
Also she says she doesn't want sex on the first meeting and I'd been fine with that... just this has continued for 2 months, it's not going to feel like the first meeting for me, if we ever met. Of course if the silence feels awkward, then I don't want sex, even if it was the 1000th meeting, then I just want to leave.
If I was in a relationship just to be in a relationship, I'd at least want to actually meet and be with her often.
What should I do?
|Happenings||June 2, 2016, 4:30 am|
Wops... been away for a while. Hit my head some two/three months ago and was kinda dizzy, stressed and whatever for quite a long time. Guess I'm feeling better now. Been practicing piano/keyboard playing for some 3 to 4 months now, couldn't do much else. Here's some practice results...
This one kinda cheerful, relaxing
Attempting to play something similar to the first one, maybe it's a sequel
Maybe some toccata and fugue inspired
Would be nice to get some feedback about them...
Game dev stuff has been on a stand still after the head bumping. Continued/changed TigerCake (still needs a new name?) some two months before the bump. Wanted to get the new stuff released, but just didn't get that far. Blaze is going to become a futuristic motorcycle game with (semi?) naked girls if I ever continue it, didn't get the flight stuff to work right, but still I'd like it to be a game with some vehicles. CyberShade wasn't too far from next release, I think the style of the game eventually started to feel a bit too depressing, so I needed something with softer colors. Now I just need to get started on one of the projects, haven't exactly decided which one. Any suggestions?
Played through Kama Sutra. Everything else was great, except map28 was like work or something.. headache sucks.
Finally put up a net date profile, but is kinda slim pickens.. or fat. Was on two dates with a girl. She was like ok looking and had some similar qualities as me, but then I wasn't interested and she wasn't interested, so nothing happened. Waited if she would contact me for a third date, but nope. Now I've been looking for some thicker girls, but no idea if I want any of them. I think some of them could be fun to do stuff, talk, and comfortable in sex, but I also want someone to go for a run with me. I could probably find some company from a bar and go dancing there, just I don't want that kind of drunken crap things. I want a really good friend.
Also been (trying to) smile at people (not exactly like this). So I've been looking a lot of people's heads. In a city environment not a single fucking person looks at anyone. Everyone has a very angry/depressed/bored/zombie/kill-me-now/I'll-kill-you kind of look or some combination. In a more natural environment people look a bit at others who come across. Although some have just suddenly turned away to look at their dog's butt when I've got near them... eeh...
Applied for some industrial modeling school, but didn't get in, only got to the first phase of the pre exam. I think that's it for trying to make a job out of any arts stuff. They'll be just a fun hobby now. Thought I'll study psychology in some open university, and maybe do some volunteer work.
Yea, and been running a lot. Should try some cooper test or take time for a 3km run some time. Current records for 2km semi-flat ground 7:47 and 2km uneven ground 8:29. Maybe I could get the 3km in 12:00 on a sports field run track.
|Dreaming of the same thing||January 1, 2016, 11:08 am|
Yesterday I dreamed that I was walking on some field next to a road and a river. Time of the year seems to be autumn and there are some stuff growing. I thought I'd swim in the river, but I had big backpack. I wake up while trying to think of a way to swim, but keep the backpack dry. Then I go back to the dream and I'm back to the same field, but it's winter, and there's snow, and I'm with some friends. One of them is playing the guitar something that sounds like Nirvana, and I started singing about lions, tigers and death. I had a pretty nice voice. Forgot the exact lyrics unfortunately...
Last night I dreamed that I had rode my bicycle some 200-300km to some other city. I was looking around for this school I wanted to apply. Eventually found it, checked the insides. Lots of stairs, red carpets and white walls, kind of fancy looking place. I wake up. I go back to the dream, and again I continue the same dream. There's the school, I have my backpack packed, and I'm going. There's the test at the school that determines if I get in or not, and some more looking around to see if I even like it there. I'm sitting at the top of the building, maybe like 7th floor, next to the stairs. I'm eating yoghurt and filling those test papers with a pen (and yoghurt.. oops).
Next step would be to return to a previous dream some another night. I think it's easy in the same night when still close to that dream's location. But maybe kind of unusual for me that this sort of thing happening two nights in a row.
I wonder if meditating has had any effect on this. I think maybe yes. At least I used to have more vivid dreams some years ago when I did something similar to meditating during the day. Then for some years it was difficult/impossible to do it, and my dreaming was kind of bad and difficult to remember with only a few interesting experiences.
I think the meditating stuff helps with getting into the dreams without the usual unconscious phase between the waking and dreaming. And it's pretty difficult to remember something when unconscious... But replace the unconscious state with a meditating state and you're conscious during the transition to the dream.
|Clingy School||August 26, 2015, 10:06 am|
Previous year I went to a school, I was there for like a month, then quit it. It was the kind of school that costs money. Half of it was like interesting, but I didn't feel like paying full price for only going half the lessons.
Well, they've been sending me bills all year. Because apparently that teacher responsible for the class, didn't tell anyone at the school that I had quit. Well, the info manual said that they'd expel a student after failing to pay 2 bills in a row, or not going there for 2 months without giving any reason. So I thought they'd stop sending me the stuff after a few months. But no...
I even got a bill today, that "recommends" me to pay all the 7 bills that I failed to pay. How long do I have to wait before they stop sending me shit?
Not only that, but they kept me in their email list, and kept sending me emails all year.. and they're still sending me emails.
I'm kinda annoyed. Maybe I need to send them some email or something...
|Speed Running||February 26, 2015, 8:58 am|
I was trying to speed run through Half-Life like in that 20min video.
I got to the part where there's large hanging crates over a pit, but there were no crates. The crates were replaced by hanged Barneys. I got to get to the other side, so I jump across and grab one of them. I swing with it and grab another. I get a little entangled with the ropes, but eventually get to the other side.
Then there's that bullsquid and sewer like place, it jumps and breaks some catwalk. I thought I could jump over the broken area, but it didn't work, so I was back up before the jump. I try a few times more, but no, can't get through. Then I go back before the bullsquid broke catwalk and tell it to not jump and break stuff.
I see the usual route ahead, and I see a broken wall before it and there's a dark tunnel with some wooden stuff, green toxic puddles and some kind large crates that move inside the wood tunnels. I thought I'll go this route instead, because I hadn't seen it before. I figured I had to move fast, not to get crushed by the large moving crates, and also to jump over the toxic puddles. In one corner of a wood part I see a Recoil Weapon Mod, but didn't feel like stopping to pick it up, didn't even have any weapons I could use it with.
It goes on for a while, and I come to a dark slimy cave. I see some kind of switch panel ahead, and 2 little switches on its sides. I hit all 3 switches. There is some large opening with more mechanical stuff at the left and 2 smaller tunnels on the right. I go to the middle tunnel.
I come out of the caves & tunnels and there's a blue sky almost near sunset. I see a grassy pathway down to a overlook above a body of water. Nearby I see a blue armor, and on the overlook I see another and a soulsphere. I try to get the nearby blue armor, but it runs away laughing. I run down to the soulsphere and the other blue armor and pick them up. There's also a few health potions and I pick them up as well, as I noticed from the SBAR my health didn't go up to 200%.
I run back up and get to a desert. I have a blue ball in my right hand. I think it's a throwable weapon. The sun is setting and the desert is colored orange/amber. There's a bunch of dunes and cylindrical mounds. On my right side I can hear a road with cars going on it, but when I look, it's filled with impenetrable wall of fog. I turn left and continue running. I climb over one mound and they're hollow from the top and there's some deep red liquid like substance in the hole.
Shadows from the dunes and mounds look almost like alive. I try not to step on any of them. I hear a car louder, and when I look to the right again, it's penetrated the fog, and parks next to some mound with half of it still visible. That kind of scared me. I turn away from it and I continue running faster. I can see the edge of the desert. I start wondering if I can make it there in time. But then the scene fades and I'm on my bed.
|Some game development stuff||February 22, 2015, 11:02 am|
Both my game projects are currently stand-alone. Blaze doesn't need any content from Doom and TigerCake doesn't need anything from Quake.
I've been thinking of releasing a demo of both sometime soon, though I'm kinda taking a break from working on anything now. I think I continue with TigerCake when I continue. Anyway I wonder how much content should be in them? Is there enough already? Or should it be like a private demo for a chosen few people?
Blaze has 2 normal levels and 1 level for trying out a scenario with lots of enemies. There's 4 weapons, 1 enemy and 1 player.
I wanted to add a turret and a robot enemy, but then I kinda ran out of motivation/ideas to work. I have some old robot enemy, but it needs some changes. In its current state it would better fit for TigerCake. I also have one flying enemy, but it also fit better for TigerCake now.. if it was more organic looking it would be ok for Blaze as a flying alien enemy.
TigerCake has 1 small level, 1 medium level and 1 Quake style start level. Player got 8 weapons, 2 animated enemies, 1 unanimated enemy, and 1 player character.
Sound quality in TigerCake is a bit questionable. All the sounds are very loud/compressed/maximized. Without the maximizing they sounded like some barely audible fart puffs. When I tried the maximized sounds in Doom, they were insanely loud/clear. When I tried the non-maximized sounds in Doom, they were like the maximized sounds in DarkPlaces. Also it's kind of annoying to do the maximizing, and it can make the sounds clip.
Then there's also the difficulty level (for both). Should I be able to beat the game on the hardest difficulty? If I make the hardest difficulty so difficult that I can't beat the game.. Then there's a chance that I make it too hard. But if I can beat the game on the hardest, then there's probably someone who think it's not hard enough.
Currently I have the enemy move and attack rate decreased/increased depending on the difficulty level. Baby skill got double health for player. I tried some different damages too, and taking damage from own explosions in Blaze.. but half the weapons are explosive, and the aliens pounce so much, it wasn't exactly fun.
|Some advice?||September 24, 2014, 2:38 pm|
Month at school. Things haven't gone as well as I had expected/hoped. Now I'm quite depressed and don't know what to do.
No one there really talks with me. Every one else sure talk a lot with each other. Then I've been really tired, even on weekends, and don't get anything done on my freetime and no time to check on my snake. She wakes up when I have to go sleep.
Lectures there have been kind of boring. I'm not interested in some statistics about diseases or how food travels through a human. Physical exercises and learning to guide them have been interesting. But having to go through all that other stuff.. just doesn't feel like what I want to do. Maybe if I had found some friends there, the lectures wouldn't be so painful.
I kinda want to quit, but if I do, I need some plan/idea what to do then? Should I study something else? Should I try games industry again (work in something else than my personal project)? The first time I was serious about working on games, no one took me seriously or gave any respect/support, even when I had a job about it. Have things changed on that?
|Mold Problem?||August 19, 2014, 9:14 am|
It kinda feels like the air isn't very fresh in my home. My nose is a bit stuck, my throat is sore and my eyes feel like something's not right. I go out for a run and get fresh air and feel better. I visited my parents on the weekend and felt much better there. Now back home, and it's been 2 days and feeling sick again.
I had not vacuum cleaned for a month, there were lots of dust. I feel a bit better after I cleaned, but it feels like there's still something somewhere.
There are some places I've found some sticky old smelly cat pee. When my brother and his woman and their cats were here, the other cat peed like everywhere, and apparently there were/are some secret places of pee. My brother also left me a collection of wood he had collected from the forest in one wardrobe. I told him to clean it, but he just left it and everything else for me to clean.
I think I want to move into a different house. This is way too big for one person anyway. I have 2 large bedrooms, 1 small bedroom, 1 large other room, kitchen, 1 large toilet & shower and 1 small toilet. I only need 1 large bedroom for bed, computers, etc, and totally 1 empty room, kitchen and toilet & shower.
Uhhuh.. School starts tomorrow! Yey! Finnish version of Google Maps has all the street names written in Swedish! Even if I type in Finnish, it changes them to Swedish. And all the menus are in English. I think it's working pretty well... not.
Ok, time to go out, the rain stopped, sun is shining.. this indoor air is feeling åwfül.
|Photos of the Wild and the Tame||June 11, 2014, 9:37 am|
First we go through the jungle: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo.../jungle_001.jpg
And then there's this snake: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo..._natrix_001.jpg
We come across a beetle: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo.../beetle_002.jpg
and some blue gold: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...y/blue_gold.jpg
Out of nowhere, a frog keeping track of visions: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...ls/frog_002.jpg
A blurry vision shows a spider with an eggsack: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo.../spider_009.jpg
Baby Jesuses had a water walk competition: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo..._insect_002.jpg
And then we get back home and it's a snake: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...n_floor_005.jpg
The snake slithers on some repetitive tiles: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...n_floor_006.jpg
Flicking her tongue: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...n_floor_007.jpg
Try to run, try to hide: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...n_floor_008.jpg
But eventually captured: http://koti.mbnet.fi/jeejeeje/photo...on_hand_002.jpg
ps. First time I managed to take a photo of a wild snake. It's a natrix natrix. Thought I didn't get the head in the photo, but it's there. Soon after the photo, the snake started hissing. I was going to get another photo, so that I'd get a better picture of the head, but then the snake made a fake attack, so I thought I've bothered the snake enough and left the area.
|Fight For Power||May 27, 2014, 3:15 am|
Last night I was dreaming that I was in a school gym hall. There was someone else who climbed to the ceiling and then jumped down head down into a small trampoline. It was some sort of extreme yoga. Later he jumped down on my forehead and stood there with his index fingers.
Then I climbed onto the ladders at the wall and turned myself upside down and hanged from the top ladder and started sleeping. I wake up and it's still pretty dark. My blanket is somewhere, and I was feeling a little chilly, so I thought to shake my body for a bit.
I start hearing Rise of Harkonnen from the Dune2000 soundtrack coming from the living room. I was like, did I go sleep with music on? I rolled and shaked around in my bed. Nearing the end of the song, I remember I don't go sleep with music on. Who's playing the music! Who's in my home, using my computer?
I find my blanket and it attacks me. The blanket tries to suffocate me. I was wondering what song would play next, my guesses were Land of Sand, Plotting and The Soldiers Approach. Next song was some unnamed crackling sounds. I push and pull the blanket. Eventually I was victorious, and pull my blanket over me, as I was feeling cold.
After 10 minutes of silence and cold shivers under the blanket, the birds outside my room start singing. I get warmer, push the blanket away and sleep undisturbed until morning.