|I want to see the Loser forum (without being a Loser)||February 23, 2013, 2:28 pm|
|Is there any way to access this? I feel like I'm missing out on something... even though, from what I recall, I'm not.|
|Crapple||September 20, 2012, 10:26 am|
I want to vent about the latest iPhone. I'll try to do this in a politically correct way to avoid offending those of you who use iPhones. Actually, feth it, I'm going to speak my mind, you're grown up enough to know I don't mean any of this personally.
I work for a mobile phone network in the UK. I am upgrade and retention trained so basically I can upgrade you (if you're due), and I can also try to stop you leaving and then upgrade you (if you're due). I have also worked in customer service. Basically I know a bit about everything.
It can hardly fail to escape one's attention that the world holds its breath for the latest iPhone. When that breath is released, people who work with mobile phones (except, perhaps, Apple staff) and people who review mobile phones let it out in a sigh of disappointment.
Customers, herd animals that they are, are generally iPhone for life and think that the latest iPhone is a total beast of a phone and must be obtained at the expense of anyone who gets in their way!
They think this, of course, because they have never dared to try another phone. They have iPods (not sure why when they've also got an iPhone), iPads (which they need as their iPhone screens are too small to be much use for anything) and tons of apps and accessories, all of which they paid premium money for.
Because mobile phone reviewers cannot crow about a dual core processor and Apple keeps most of the specs to itself (so people don't find out the iPhone "only" has an overclocked 1Ghz or 1.2Ghz dual core processor when upcoming rival phones are clocking at or almost 2Ghz with quad cores), the review sites instead talk about the "experience" of using the phone as if no other handset in the world has the indefinable allure of an iPhone.
While this may or may not be true, at the end of the day the latest iPhone is tall but not wide so you still need your iPad. The ones being released in the UK and parts of Europe are still 3G-only so you will need to buy new 4G ones next year, which will conveniently allow Apple to say it's sold, say, 30 million i5s instead of 15-20 million. People are more than retarded enough to do this.
When we upgrade a customer to a Samsung or Sony, they are generally over the moon with excitement about the price, the deal and the freebies such phones sometimes come with. When we have an iPhone customer there are ALWAYS issues: the price of the phone is too high, the tariff is not good enough, the warranty is shit, the insurance and excess are too much, our rivals are cheaper and they're such LOYAL customers who've been with us for years but would obviously sell their grandparents for £1 off per month.
Not to mention almost EVERY customer who calls with a phone that's having signal problems, or reliability problems, or battery problems, is an iPhone user... especially the iPhone 4, or a 3GS that was upgraded to OS5 (my advice: DON'T!!).
I really hate Crapple iPhones, iPads and whatever other same-old-crap they're selling. I hate the secrecy of Apple which puts its sellers in such hot water with customers. I hate iPhone zombies who cause so many complaints. Still, they keep us in business I suppose, I just needed to give Crapple the middle finger. Congratulations if you read all of that.
|My date (from hell)||August 25, 2012, 10:05 am|
Greetings! Now HERE I have a gem that is bound to have AT LEAST one troll posting a sarcastic "Great story" or its popular variant, "Hey, great story."
I would like to share with you the experience of my date last night so that, no matter what wretched travesty of a love life some of you may have (no offence), you will forever be contented with the safe and warm glow that comes from knowing "At least it's better than Major Rawne's!"
Just so you understand the slang: "Pissed" is Brit slang for drunk. (Oh yes, there was alcohol involved.) We do not use it to describe anger unless the word "pissed" is followed by "off".
I was at fault to start with because I was 45 minutes late. I agreed to meet her at a pub in Leeds. For non-UK residents, that's a city in the County of Yorkshire in the North of England – a city that is now basically a foreign colony, but that's another story. I was stupid enough to drive to Leeds without realising you cannot get a parking space unless it's miles away from where you need to be. My fault – so that's one-nil to me already.
Unfortunately my date had used that time to consume an entire bottle of wine. When I (reluctantly, in view of how much she'd just necked on her own) offered her a drink, she wanted another wine – "I think they only sell it in bottles," she said. Well this is Leeds, not the tourist area of the Algarve, so the bottle of wine was only three times more expensive than my cola. That's either cheap wine or pricey cola.
Anyway, I had also failed to take into account that it was a Friday night in Leeds city centre, so we had to have our conversation with shitty modern pop-noise blaring in our ears. They don't make music any more, they just make noise with a woman singing and an out-of-place male rapper joining in halfway through (for some reason).
My date became quite excited, yelling at the top of her voice as she told me about how many fist-fights she's had (this month). Then she told me how the love of her life had broken her heart several months ago. She told me she's had a fight with her neighbour, which her neighbour really did start, and the neighbour went to the local school, told the headmaster, then the headmaster got them both in a room and told them to stop fighting! (They're both 29)
Unfortunately by now she had finished her second bottle and was becoming amorous. She called me Mr Grey after a character in some porno. That's the second time I've been compared to him by a girl this week – I must come across as a cultured and intelligent millionnaire who loves to make women into his gimps – not really sure how a person actually delivers that impression, but that's the female mind for you. She wanted me to take her home and spend the night, never mind the fact that I had to get up for work at the crack of birdshit. In fact, her elegant solution to this problem was to "fuck work off."
I can quite honestly tell you I have NEVER been pleased about having to go to work early in the morning until yesterday. I spun an elaborate and brilliant tale of how I'm on my last chance there and if I lose my job I've lost everything, but she was so pissed by this point I could have told her I was a weather girl called Summer Sunshine and she'd have totally ignored it.
We went outside because I was trying to get her back to the train station so I could run back to my car, go home, get in bed and pull the covers fearfully over my head. Unfortunately I am possessed of great conscience and she could barely walk, so I volunteered to drive her home. This was in many ways a mistake because she thought Christmas had come early for her.
I told her I don't do that stuff on a first date, so she got it into her head that I was such a gentleman she must bone me immediately, right here in the street. She started trying to give me love bites and stick her tongue down my throat. I tried to half-guide, half-carry her along crowded streets where she relentlessly made an arse of herself in front of the population of Leeds. She kept shouting that she hoped I didn't have masking tape and a rope in my car – weirdly enough I actually did have masking tape but that was to tape my lights up when I went to the track. I strongly considered putting some across her big mouth.
And then her fucking teeth fell out!
Yes, her entire top row of teeth was a falsehood. She put them back in quickly but the damage was done: she'd drooled all over her chin – AND SHE TRIED TO KISS ME LIKE THAT.
Just because I had finally got her in the car didn't mean the night was over! No, there were still 40 painful and terrible minutes to go. All the way home she kept saying how much I must hate her and think she's a bad mother, which incidentally she'd been saying over and over again for the last hour. I spend some of my spare time helping people who suffer from depression and other issues and I realise a chronic lack of self-esteem when I see it, but you CANNOT do anything about this when they're drunk.
I finally got her home, stupidly agreed to go in with her, then she shoved me on the settee, sat on me and tried to snog me, by which point I'd had quite enough and buggered off so fast I had to actually stop myself from running.
EDIT: When I got home my brother was watching a strange but very likeable American painter called Bob Ross. It's not been a good night when the best part of your date was getting home in time to see the last five minutes of Bob Ross painting a mountain with a log cabin right in the middle of the scene for some reason.
So that was my Friday night. Please join Plenty of Fish and you might have many more experiences like mine!
|Job interview||May 31, 2012, 4:05 pm|
|Hi, perhaps not the place to post this stuff but I've got an interview with the Games Workshop tomorrow as trainee store manager. Feel free to wish me luck or curse me for a fool etc. I am rather nervous and may need incontinence underpants.|
|Car games||June 11, 2010, 2:35 pm|
When I get a racing game I always tend to go for normal, average front-wheel drive saloons (sedans) and do them up. I usually hate using RWD sports cars except for the Honda NSX.
In GT2 my main cars are a Honda Prelude, Peugeot 406 and Nissan Primera estate (station wagon), all modified into their racing versions.
In fact I recently spent 800 points downloading new motor packs for Forza 3 mainly to get the Peugeot RCZ (which I later realised was available as a free download) and the Vauxhall Insignia VXR.
I believe other people would be more interested in the Ferraris and Aston Martins that are also available in these packs.
Does anyone else prefer the less powerful, ordinary cars to all the "dream" cars in their racing game?
Or am I setting my sights in the gutter, when they should be in the bright constellations of Maserati and Lotus?
|I hate Facebook. And women.||May 2, 2010, 3:36 pm|
Listen to this! I've been having a crap time lately cos of some so-called friends, right, so I was happy when things seemed to be turning around this afternoon.
I got a Facebook friend request from a gorgeous girl who said we used to know each other 13 years ago, and she's been trying to get back in touch ever since. She said she used to find me attractive and never thought she had a chance with me. (Considering we live about 100 miles apart, she might be right.)
So we were chatting and she was properly gushing about how excited she was to be back in touch with me etc. You can imagine what a boost this is, after all women don't usually bother to do stuff like this, especially the pretty ones. It's normally down to the bloke to do the donkey work. (That's equal rights for you!)
So I was looking through her photos and I was "You're really pretty", and she said I looked "Sweet" in my pics. I made a joke: "Uh-oh, sweet, that's girl speak for unattractive!"
It turns out I was right. Her reply was "I don't think you're ugly." And then she told me she thought I was gay.
I hit the "Remove from friends" button so hard my laptop imploded and formed a miniature black hole.
So that's how my self esteem was stepped on this weekend. Tune in next week, when I become an emo kid and write some dark poetry!