|i fell in head first....||January 17, 2005, 9:34 pm|
personaly i was never into dating. i did a few times but nothing ever really came of it.
i did have girls i had crushes on. one of them for the longest time. however i never acted on it. recent girls just didn't have any appeal to them.
however that all changed last week. I had been trying an internet dateing site. i figured it was worth a shot. little did i know i would meet a really nice girl.
now i know its far too early to say she is the love of my life, but i really feel something with her. I love being around her, talking to her, feeling her embrace, her smile, her eyes. its as if i have known her for a very long time. she says she feels the same towards me.
it all happened so fast, however it feels good. i feel good about her and i feel as if i can trust her. something that has always been difficult for me to do. however my gut instinct is usally right.
its proof to me that there are still good people out there. it makes me feel so much better about my self. i am really begining to get to know her, but like i said it feels as if i have known her for years.
|i am sorry dad....||January 13, 2005, 12:05 pm|
...because i blew up the pourch steps.
being bored and spending time with a stoned friend is not a good idea. we have had our fair share of misadventures. this one included a hammer, a cement pourch step and a strip of explosive charges for a nail gun.
well we decide to set off some of these charges. they are basicly blanks. they are even bullet shaped. to set them off you have to hit them from behind. so we searched for something to hold them. the pourch use to have a wood border around it and there were still holes from the screws. we stuck a shell in there and slammed it. it didnt work, it just pushed it into the hole. so i gave up and went to remove it. however my friend wasn't about to give up. however before he could swing his phone rang. so he was talking on the phone when he took his mighty swing.
BAM! the thing went off and blew a large section of cement right off the step and into his face.
I fell down because i was laughting so hard. the person on the phone didn't hear the explosion surprisingly.
today we are fixing the step.
however at least we can fix it, this isnt like the time another of his friends cut down a tree.
|war driving||December 26, 2004, 2:00 pm|
never done it until this weekend.
basicly it is taking a laptop, or PDA and listening for wireless networks.
i did this going up and coming back from my grandparents home. too bad i dont have a gps.
things i learned
about 75% of these networks were not encrypted.
channels 6 and 11 are the most popular.
83% of them used default SSID's
netgear was the most popular, fallowed by linksys, cisco and PCX500. D-link and microsoft were rare.
the most popular speed was 11mbps and 22mbps. very few 54g and no detected 108g connections.
one guy had his address as the SSID
one guy must really like M.C. Hammer. with the SSID of "hammertime"
|humane insanity||December 13, 2004, 12:51 pm|
i don't know why i am friends with this guy. even if i have known him sence he was a child. basicly he is one of those really arrogant people who thinks rules don't apply to him or family. He has always had a horrible anger and temper problem. this guy once pulled an unloaded shotgun on a kid for turning off the N64, and he is not a gamer! He punched me for turning off the heat in his car once. Once he about beat one of his cousins, a 5 year old, for accidentaly hiting him in the nuts.
now toss in wreckless drug addiction and more stupidity and you got your self a very dangerous person.
he states he would never hit a woman or family. however its far closer than he thinks. I have seen him get extreamly pissed at things that should not bother someone. He has the mentality of a wife beater or child beater. I have seen that too much in my life. so i know it rather well.
he says drugs never affected him, but i watched as he became more violent and uncontrolable. He once tried to fight a guy with a gun at a part infront of his girlfriend. he eventually got 3 DUI's, the 3rd nearing killing him. he was also 19 at the time.
luck was on his side, he is very much alive. and really got off with another slap on the wrist. if it were up to me he would never see a car for the rest of his life. His girl stayed with him, and i helped him. why i don't know, i should have left him for dead and she should have found another man. but i guess that is the human side of us, or we are just dumb.
He now says that he will never drink or do drugs agian. however i know from my life that he will most likly start up agian. After all he still keeps the same drug addict friends. he still fails to see that what he did is serious and gets pissed if the police question him. as i said he got off really easy, no fines or jail time. license is only suspended due to medical reasons.
An example of his mental state would be as fallows.
he doesn't like it when people smoke in his house, yet he does the dip. i would rather see him smoke. Atleast i don't have to see his cancer or that nasty vomit inducing spit. his poor girl-firend, she doesn't know.
he thinks blacks and other races are the cause of the world's issues. desptie the fact he use to hate such idea and the fact of his own family roots. the guy has japanese releatives.
he is one with that "i am always right attitude" i will prove him wrong to put him in his place or to stir up the hive. one time he claimed the college he was looking into was $15,000. i told him it would be more like $60,000. he was pissed and tried to say i didn't know what i was talking about. so i took him to my dad, who went to this college, who showed him the modern cost. he shut up about it.
if he contiunes this way he will fallow in his brother's foot steps and have 3 divorces by the time he is 30. i have talked to his soon to be wife about getting him into anger managment. However i don't think she takes me seriously. however if she doesn't heed my warning.... well we all know what will happen there. and this time i will not help.
|damn cell phones||December 10, 2004, 1:00 pm|
well a woman wants me to call her to see how her computer is doing. she leaves a number. so i dial that number to get "you must dial a 1 or a 0 before dialing this number" the i try both, well i get "dial the area code" message. I assume her area code is 937 because she lives like a mile from here. i dial the full number to get "this number has been disconnected" on my caller id it just shows the 7 digit number. so the is bassicly no way to contact her. So maybe next time she will give me the full fucking number.... or pay her damn bills.
well tried all local area codes and none worked, so fuck her. she should have had the common sence to tell me the correct phone number.
anyone know any trick to find out the area code
|old games||November 23, 2004, 4:26 pm|
well traded in those nice new shinny games i had for some older games. mainly mario64 and silent hill.
i was surprised about silent hill and how shitty it really looks. well it looks average compared to other PSX games at the time. however i did not buy the game for the graphics, i bought it to experince the first game at last.
the N64, which i had to buy, ran at $19. it came with controller, memmory card, power supply, av cable and this one had the upgraded RAM. mario cost me $8. was kinda pisse dbecause i bought a N64 off a friend but it had no power adapter. from sites i was looking at it ran around $15-$25 for the thing.
games i dusted for this new stuff, or rather towards the price.
marrowwind, full spectrum warrior, and max payne 2. 3 games i never played much.
|free computer||November 21, 2004, 8:40 pm|
well it doesn't happen much, ok that's a god damn lie. someone gets rid of a perfectly good computer because its "slow". well no shit its gonna be slow when you have a shit load of spyware and 3 viruses on 128MB ram. also add in the fact they had just about everything you could think of running in the back ground.
the computer was made in 2001, so still kinda new.
its an HP vectra workstation. PIII 733Mhz, 128MB ram, 10GB hard drive (SCSI), 16X CD drive (SCSI). so removed the hard drive and replaced it with a 40GB IDE, updated the ram, and installed a fresh OS. runs exelent. so now i am gonna sell it. i love dumb people.
|are those.... foot steps?||November 10, 2004, 10:57 pm|
Well took a bit of a break before christmas. So i went up to see my grand parents who i will not see agian for a while, next summer.
This place is really wierd. They claim the house is haunted. IF you know more about the area then you can kinda see why.
The area was home to native american tribes. It's rare, but sometime bones are found when homes are built. A walk in the field behind this house can turn up handfuls of arrow heads and other objects. The road outside of the home is a death trap, literaly. numerous deaths have occured infront of this house or land surrounding the house. Mainly due to people being drunk or stupid. Infact a rather creepy message has been scrawed onto a telephone pole in front of the house.
Needless to say this is NOT a house to stay up and play silent hill 2. I did that the other night, and it really freaked me out. mainly cause my grandfather walke dinto the room very quitly and a saw something moving in the window, his reflection/shadow.
things that are wierd here.
foot steps, often from the basement or attic.
voices, but very rare. usally heard by children. once heard by adults during christmas.
moving objects, common. fucking ghost took my damn X-box controller! maybe it just wants to challenge me to a game of halo? no, shit just moves around. pictures have "flown" across the room. and in one case a toy riendeer was unpacked and turned on in the basement.
electornic devices behave oddly. batteris die early or devices randomly come on and shut off. so far computers not affected. However the area does have odd geological activity and there are 3 large radio/TV stations near by. those may also explain "voices"
Its creepy here, but peaceful. Nothing bad has ever happened to a family member here. Only to the careless drivers and drunks outside of the home.
|random junk||November 2, 2004, 10:49 pm|
well how about winter cleaning. this involves my attic, my closet and under my bed.
most of this shit has not seen light for a decade or more. so here it goes.
besides clothes and allergies.
1 box of new unused old school computer paper.
a box of coffe cans
an antenna i made when i was 5, cant remember if it was for a radio or TV.
1 old color TV, i mean old. has vacume tubes.
2 old radios, both have vacume tubes. 1 works
more coffe cans
a microphone? looks like it came off a CB or PA system. the end is cut off.
a japanese rifle wrapped in cloth, looks great. one of many WW II things out of here.
several german WW II helmets, 2 American helmets. A japanese and american bannette. and some sort of japanese knife, its big.
a nazi egal thing, egal on a swastika
panzerfuast tube, score!
random caseings, used
various gun parts in poor condition. i think some of these belong to an AK-47.
empty ammo cases, well filled with dust.
and a box filled with my dad's old porn stash. shit looks like its from the 70's.
now the closet
a box filled with 6 CB radios. Use to get these from an uncle and would use them to play soldier when i was a child. I dont know if they work
a old mac computer
over 10 walky-talkies, loved those as a kid. however would get bored and usally break them, i think i enjoyed breaking them.
a cell phone? looks newish, have no idea whoes it is.
pop cans, my brother is lazy.
some odd radio like thing. in a box and covered in plastic wrap. have NO idea what it is. i know its not mine. however the below item might make it fun.
one big old baseball bat, ok i found a few of its freinds too.
the long lost aquarium.
well most of this stuff is useless to me. some of it is worth money and some of it is trash. the only thing that got me excited was the WW II stuff. however i know both grandparents have way more in their homes. as for selling any of that stuff, no way. however if you need a old TV and a box of CB radios then give me a call, i even give you those walky-talkies for free.
what wierd, odd, disgusting, and just plain awesome things have you found while cleaning?
|a different view||October 28, 2004, 10:19 pm|
When i think of my past it becomes difficult. It is often hazy and unclear. often times because relatives lie to cover up the past or because they didn't know what was going on. Also an inceident 5 years ago took alot of recent memmories. However one thing in my mind does stand out. I know how i felt and i understood many things.
What has made me think about this is some community work i have been doing. I never thought of my self as a person that would like kids or that kids would even like. I tend not to deal with stress very well and often become deffensive. however how i react often depends on the person. I am more prone to become violent if the agitator is older, around 30's, and more so if it is a woman. Also a man who is older and bigger. oddly i am not distrustful towards women. considering those who hurt me the most were women.
three weeks ago I gave a 3rd grade class a presentation. Usally our groups are mixed crowds of children and adults. to add to the mix it was at a religious school. so i had to rewrite my work with both in mind. most of the originals deal with breeding and evolution. However the children were intelligent, but still asked questions i expected. Also the school was small. which made it easy to get in an out. and for once the animals behaved, mainly the skink.
The way the children reacted was a dark reminder of who i was. I am sure there are some there who share my pain. In those days there was only one thing i was trying to do, stay alive and get out. My family life hit the fan at that age. my mother left and my father brought in a new girl. At first we liked her and began to trust her. Until she became abusive. Unlike other children i didn't think i was the cause and i stood up. the abuse lasted for another 4 years. after the first 2 i came to a dark conclusion "the bitch must die!" it is possible i even considered suicide if i failed to kill her. certianly failing such a thing would be bad. The plan was simple. slit her throat in the night after she passed out from drinking. I knew killing was wrong, but i knew it was either her or me. I later, that year, stabbed her in a knife fight. she was drunk and dropped her knife. a mistake i made sure she would not forget. I stuck the short knife into her upper leg. She then punched me and hobbled away. I was 10 years old at the time, maybe 11. She later got a nasty infection from the wound.
what makes me think about such things is the letters from the children. There is no darkness. They are happy and the children sound like they were excited to see the animals. I am sure many of them have no idea how cruel the world can be. Oddly, and touching, is the fact they liked having me there. Mainly because a part of me is very distrustful and my view is that all people are going to act the same way toawrds me. I know reality is different and depends on the person, but it still surprises me how trusting people can be. in contrast my writings were cryptic and dark. I recently went over some of mine from that age. I often spoke of a monster who would brings a violent death to those who slept. Sometimes i was more direct and wrote about a dream were i had been shot. Teachers often dismissed this because i was from a different culture or because all boys dream about monsters and guns. These would usally be mixed in with standard childish things and my interest in electronics and machienes. I may not remember much but i do know i did have times of peace and happiness.
I have learned alot about my self in the last 4 years. I have learned that i missed out on many important life lessons and that i learned many that should never have to be learned. I also learned how close i was to continuing the cycle of my faimily. I also see why children should be taken more seriously.
I am a different person now. I don't fear for my life and i am more trusting. however i do bear the old wounds and lessons of those days. I have a stricter point of view towards drugs and abuse. I am very criticle of other family memmbers aswell and have all but broken off contact with my dad's side of the family.