|Life||June 10, 2010, 1:39 pm|
Hey. I don't know if anyone remember the post I posted some years ago or else use this
For the past 2 years I have been emotional out of balance, the breakup made a huge impact on my life. You could say I simply watched the 3½-4 relationship in a few hours by watching it in my inner mind. All the memories that got lost by a few days, I couldn't handle it. Seriously I have no idea what happened, I know many things happened that last half year. I have tried to move on, but I haven't really moved on for real.
This first part leds to why I write this blog post. Yesterday I received a message from her (through her new bf's account) on facebook. She told me she had got engaged, got a son and she was going to enter the school I am at (but hopefully just till august). I just hoped I wouldn't run into her, but I guess the past runs after you. :S
I know I should be happy for her, but still... I feel like I am still just standing here without any purpose in my life. All the emotional crap she has caused me and she is so fast to build up a family. Hell, I am just a single loser living in a small flat, at least I feel myself like a loser. I have tried to figure out who I am and finding a new girlfriend, but it has felt like the hardest problem of all. I have no idea how to find a new one, I guess my emotional problems always scare people off.
I am not good to break out of my routine and try new stuff. Most of my life I have wished to get thin and handsome, but I have never really tried to do that seriously. I am trying to figure out what to do after I am done with my school in august, I am thinking of entering something to help me with my problems.
I need to do something as I am just sitting here alone most of the time, I guess I have always been a loner. I feel sometimes if I should drop computers, any hobby that is nerdy to get a more social life. But of course I enjoy my hobbies and I guess I should be able to have a life with them. I just feel like I get stuck in my own world here...
Thanks for reading, I know it is just a long rant about myself.
|Happy birthday Doom!||December 10, 2009, 1:53 am|
|Happy birthday Doom. :D|
|7 years of Torn Deluxe at Doomworld. :P||July 6, 2009, 6:37 am|
(well, it was some days ago, but what the heck. :P)
Throughtout the years in this doom community I have done different things, but I will start off (I guess I have told part of it already in other threads) with my Doom story. I will also list the projects, levels and other things I have done and I am doing.
Large post ahead.
This is a thread about what stuff I have done for Doom since I signed up here at Doom World forums 7 years ago (a couple of days ago I had 7 years celebration).
It started when my parents bought their first computer back in 1996, an used 486. It had two games on the HD and they were Duke Nukem 3d and Doom 3 (I know what you think, I will explain it later).
Duke Nukem ran as you can imagine horrible, really horrible. I was so used to consoles, so I guess I didn't notice the lag as much as I do today. But I remember I died fast on E1M1.
The computer also had a game called Doom 3 or rather Doom 3: mr. smiley's head safari. It is sad that most of my first doom memories is from this "game".
A couple of vidoes from the "game".
Later I "borrowed" a floppy disc version of doom2 that I loaded up later that day, Map02 kicked my ass horrible. I beat the whole game with keyboard, heh. Then finally I got a package named "Maximum Doom" with Ultimate doom, Doom 2 and a cd with extra levels.
I don't quite remember what happened then. I guess I moved on to other games and I almost
forgot about Doom. I do remember I played my first lan game with 2-3 others around 98-99.
It was on legacy and it was played on map07.
Finally I joined I joined Doom Connector in 2001-2002 I think, where Codeimp was still Gherkin and he was running it. It was awesome times and I joined some weird newbie clan. I think I was using Legacy at that time, I don't remember when I took up zdaemon. But I remember at some point I testplayed Greenwar.wad with Erik and a couple others on a zdaemon server and rated the levels. It was also around that time I joined Doom World. It was the summer of 2002.
Later that year I also started using Wad Author (I can't imagine how I was able to make ANYTHING in it when I am trying it out today). I made my first level named Abandoned Mines II, which I also donated to Freedoom.
 -  - 
Next big thing was the start of Doom Flashback, which I started with Espi. (author of many excellent wads as you probably know, leitos, back to basic, the list goes on, etc. I also hope he will get well soon...). The goal of this project was to recreate Ultimate Doom levels with modern mapping. Each level should also have some kind of flashback from the original level.
Later that year we released the first Flashback demo for Doom's 10th birthday. The levels were done by Espi, I and Erik. The demo had 6 levels.
 -  - 
I made a map for the first Community chest, I don't remember when it was done but it was named "Bring evil upon thee". But it was really awful imho. It was episode 4 style, but it was so short and had copy-paste details.
I also made the first secret map of scythe, the megawad Erik created in 2003.
I did nothing in 2004, many real life stuff happened this year, so I have nothing from this year.
In 2005 I also created a new kind of project, the goal was to make a map for each day of december. A doom Advent Calendar. The original thread can be found here.(DO NOT POST IN THIS THREAD). However some filled maps in the bunch, but it was a nice project. I will compile the wads in one or a couple of wads sometime, as the archive on idgames is a mess. (I also attempted to pull it off in 2006, but it didn't go well, maybe there is another some time).
Doom Advent Calendar 2005 website. Made by Anders "schepe" A.
In the end of 2006 I also started up Heretic Treasure chest up as another community chest wad project, this time just for Heretic. Ler later took over the management of the project.
Original thread is here (AGAIN, DO NOT POST IN IT) and Ler's thread for it is here.
I also don't think I did anything (at least not mapping for any projects) in 2007.
10th December 2008 we (Esselfortium, I, Espi and SlayeR (author of slade, slumped)) released another demo of flashback, this demo featured 4 levels.
I will edit this post, if I find out or remember about more projects I did or levels.
Other projects and things I have done for doom.
Well, I have done various of demos for different wads (both iwad and pwad) at Compet-n and Doomed Speed Demo Archive. However I don't feel worthy of having points in C-N. :P But I will say I am proud about some of my demos in the DSDA, like my Real World demos.
My profile page at DSDA.
Speed mapping is a way for a mapper to learn how to work faster with mapping, it helps you to improve your speed. At least it did for me.
Sarge Baldy's site of his speedmapping sessions. I will not list which ones I have made a map for of these sessions. (probably later).
Well, finally this is also what I made this thread for. A list of my unfinished projects
and project(s) I will start up. :P
Doom flashback - Yes, it will get done some day, seriously. But expect that fb.wad will pop up in idgames archives sometime. :)
Heretic Treassure chest - This project is almost done, I expect it will get done sometime this year.
I also have a couple of single levels I want to finish, but I will not list them here
(except maybe cc4 map28, but you can see that one in the Community Chest forum).
Also as a way to learn zdoom, I am working on and off a Powerslave / Exhumed MOD, but I haven't really went that far with it. it is also a learning progress, so it will go very slowy. :P
Video from the game
Plus I am also working on Trauma, a megawad. But I will make a forum post about that one.
|Life||June 24, 2008, 6:43 pm|
I am writing this post to just let people know some things. Man, my life has gone downhill, and I want to change that. I guess some people remember that some months ago, we (I and my gf) were gonna have a baby, but it died. Now I have lost my gf, for various reasons.
First of all I have probably killed a lot of her inside, because of stupid things I have done to her. Complaining about small things, arguing about small things, making her sad. I guess I have also tried to control her life and her feelings. I have also never been a social person and I guess I have made her feel the same way. She has lost contact with most of her friends and I feel guilty for that. And I have sometimes said she shouldn't associate with certain people. I have forgotten the house stuff, myself and most importantly her. I didn't respect her enough and now I have lost her. I don't know why I am like this, as I don't notice when I switch sides. This is a bad side I want to get rid of, as I will never become a whole person if I don't remove it. Also if I will ever have to be together with her or another.
Man, I can't believe what has happened the past months. From a half year I have gone from going to be a dad and get married probably, down to being not with her, and my life is just rotten now. Also the part of living at my parents' again is strange. She asked me if I wanted a room there, so I could get away. We are also still in a good mood, as friends. But it seems she has met another guy, a guy that I know. She met him at the place she is going at now, but I feel it is weird. Yes, he has touched her and kissed her once when they were drunk. Not that I love her less because of that. Maybe it is also stupid that I am writing about this here.
I am also addicted to computers, probably the internet too. I know I have a couple of doom projects going on here. I also feel bad for doing this, as I really wanted to get fb out. But I need to get out, I really need to get friends. I really wanna get so fucking drunk, so I forget this. I will try not to get online for a long time, I seriously need to. I guess I will also try to get another education, as something with computers would make me go deep into it again.
That's all for now, keep it going. I need to get a life. Why does life suck so much some times.
|I am not gonna be a dad anyway||March 13, 2008, 6:29 pm|
Yesterday when I came home (my girlfriend couldn't reach me) she told me that our baby had been removed because he was dead. ;(
She was 5 months into the pregnancy.
We don't know what was wrong or for how long he had been dead. My girlfriend couldn't feel any signs of life the night before she went to the doctor.
This comes as a big shock to me. I was about to go from being a normal weird nerdy guy to being a dad. I had started to try to feel in myself how it would be to become a dad. I can't explain how I feel right now. Tonight we told our parents what has happened. I know that probably not many of you either know or care about this. The due time was around the 10th July. My girlfriend got pregnant naturally in a birth control break - that was a miracle because she has PCOS. She had the pills to start everything going, so that she would be able to get pregnant for when we would try in the future with the help of a clinic. But it happened naturally - we were told it was a risky pregnancy. We have talked about trying again in half to a whole year's time. But it is a hard thing to think about - in 4 months I could have been a dad. Today I stayed home to try and get control over the issue - it is not the easiest thing to do. I am going to stay home tomorrow too, so we have the vacation to get over this and moving.
|I was to concert last night and got drunk. Hooray!||February 3, 2007, 9:06 am|
Heh, last night me and a friend was to a Red Warszawa (in danish) concert. It is a twisted danish metal/rock band, that identify them as "polish punk". They are kinda funny, you just need to be drunk to enjoy 100%. :P
Only two fist fights, not that bad. People is always going crazy to their concerts, second time I saw them to a concert.
Here is some of their songs.
|I'm back||May 18, 2005, 1:55 pm|
Hello there, Torn here. I went away some months back. I got a life, a girlfriend, etc...
But I am gonna bring flashback back to life again, because I got my mapping spirit again. :)
But I have moved the website to another host, but I forgot to backup the website. :(
And I kinda lost the maps, so Espi if you see this, please email me the maps. I love your work. :)
I also need Erik's map E4M1.
I kinda helps if you have problems with mapping ideas, if you go away for a time(in my place a half year I think :P).
Still if any of your talented people want to make any e4 maps for flashback, mail me. thanks.
But anyway, see you later.
|Why do I care?||March 27, 2004, 8:30 pm|
Bah, I am getting tired of my life. I only sit here on my ass at the computer. If i'm not tired of it already. I have not a single thing I like in my life. I am ugly, fat, don't have a edu, don't have a job, don't have a girlfriend. I have lost my friends, and not good to make new friends.
I can't map worth a shit for doom or any other game. I wish life was easier to live. Why the hell did I get my mind and my body. Mother nature hate me?
I know no one would post any serious posts, so this is your chance for spam...
And on the other hand, I doubt anyone care.
|Nto drunk too||December 31, 2003, 9:31 pm|
|NO oene beive I am drunk but I dtyure not do act elikm madam|
|My episode1 replacement - 1||June 15, 2003, 2:41 pm|
Damn, I need to get going with my episode1 Replacement. But it is so hard to emulate romero's style. I hope I will fix something up tormorrow, would be great to have e1m1 finish.
Damn I am lazy.