Ultraviolet's Doomworld Forums Blog

Ultraviolet's Doomworld Forums Blog

Is it better to forget? November 26, 2004, 3:07 am
I was suddenly able to remember the smell of dew at dawn and the look of flowers in bloom, just the way we would see them when we would walk from her house to mine and vice versa. I could remember the sweat and dew that would settle on our skin out in the various fields we might cut through, how it seemed an annoyance at the time, but how now I would do anything for that morning sun and the warmth it brings. As many colors as we would see in the flowers and weeds and houses and cars, she'd be wearing something that had more colors, and it all meshed beautifully in that early morning light. We'd try to rush the walking so we could avoid the heat, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I wish we had just kept walking when we would get to where we intended to go. Together, we would never need to sto for anything. Not to be one without a jacket on a cold night, I would still be wearing mine when the morning started to get hot, and I would have nowhere to put it until we arrived. I could smell my sweat and hers, the dew, her makeup, the plants we trod on, and now I have half of a hazy recollection of the same. Relaying these memories back to she who I experienced the events with would be such bliss, to see her own memory light up and form a smile on her face, but instead I sorrowfully tell you about these memories.

I am thankful for good days, and bitter that they are gone by. Happy Thanksgiving, belated.

Gaming Communities October 26, 2004, 7:35 pm
Sadly, the Doom community is one of the overall most intelligent gaming communities there is.

People who use the term "proggies" to refer programs should be executed, by the way.

Dropkicked October 26, 2004, 9:42 am
There once was a song
by the Murphy's I'm told
By the way, all week I've had
quite a terrible cold
So to remedy that, Friday
I went out and got mighty drunk
And there I was at my school
Singin' m'self some "punk"...




End of story.

Plans? October 11, 2004, 1:33 am
I'm thinking about adding 40 hours of work to my week with a new job, dropping the old 16 hour part time thing, and finishing this semester of school like that. It'll be tight, but I think I can handle it with strict adherence to a schedule and a decent bedtime.

The work is so I can save up in preparation to get the fuck out of this miserable shithole of a town. As far as places go it's not too bad, but there is this increasing absense of life here for me, or the realization that I've been rolling on in a rut for years now.

My best friend lives in the Monterrey Bay area in California. She came to visit recently and I was reminded of how much I loved every day back when I used to get to see her. I want that back. There is nothing but school and the security of living with my family (which becomes more stressful for all parties involved as time passes) to keep me here, and school has seemed more like part of a stupid routine than part of a personal objective lately. I think I should go. It seems like I'm wasting perfectly good youth being a good boy (a decent one anyway), quiet, waking up in the morning, eating, going to school, eating, staring at this motherfucking screen, eating, and sleeping again. There's no more meaning to how I live than that.

The hard part is convincing myself that I need to stick around long enough to pay some debts (to my parents, so it's not like they'd track me down and break my knees), buy some good duffel bags, and have a little money saved up to do things right. It's hard to care that far into the future when I've been living like I have been. Part of living here has been convincing myself that it's for a purpose of some sort, though, so I guess I can lie to myself a little longer for the sake of being a little bit more ready for what I'm wanting to get myself into.

Transportation is another issue. My sister passed on to me that she had heard (not clear whether it was said to her or said near her) that our parents would give us ownership of the cars we drive around at some point in the near future. If that is the case, then I won't have to hitchhike out to where I'm going. If not, I suppose I might save a little money (if people don't ask for money for rides as long as I'm headed the direction they're headed). Then again, I suppose there is one-way bus fare. Even if I could buy the car from my parents, I'm not sure I could maintain it well enough to have it ready for a 900 mile trip. It's in decent shape for getting around town, but I'm not sure how it would perform over distance. I need to get it taken care of, but have no money for that either.

The last issue, possibly the hardest one to figure out what to think about it, is whether I should ask my parents for help, or even tell them why I want to do this. At the very least I would leave a note, and I would only communicate so indirectly because I think they will be disappointed that I won't be finishing school in the way that they offered to pay for (paid by them while living in their house). I want to tell them, but there never seems to be a good time. Kinda like that one time I thought I was going to have a kid (which didn't happen, luckily).

There are other minor things such as finding a new optometrist, having the money to pay for that without any medical insurance, dental shit (just checkups, I don't have any big problems), and whatever else, until I can get established, but I'm not too worried about those. I can get my parents to replenish my contact lens supply before I even tell them what's going on with me, and see about getting in a dental checkup in mid/late November or early December rather than January as is scheduled.

fuck this October 7, 2004, 9:00 pm
EDIT: Wow, I phrased that rather stupidly

Megawoot! August 31, 2004, 5:09 pm
Today I found that my Neon still gets 30 miles per gallon doing mostly in-town driving. At one point I think it actually got 37, but I maybe I just got the numbers wrong somewhere that time. 30 MPG is pretty damn good for a 1995 Neon with something like about 80,000 miles on it.

I opened a savings account today. I tried to be disciplined, but I just kept running out of money for stupid little things. If I just live as if the savings account doesn't exist, and put $50 in it every paycheck, then I should have it a bit easier when I need to buy expensive things.

Gotta cut down on the junk food... I notice that when I run out of money I can live without it painlessly. I should be able to resist the temptation to buy it when I do have money, too. That's another thing the savings account will do for me: It'll deplete my checking account somewhat so I have less spending money and may be somewhat prevented from wasting it.

Right now, though, my checking and savings account together total to about $15. Meh.

GODDAMN HIPPY July 31, 2004, 6:12 pm
UV - Mockery of Reality says: yo
Cauterized says: j0
UV - Mockery of Reality says: get my e-mail?
Cauterized says: im checking them one at a time
UV - Mockery of Reality says: slacker
UV - Mockery of Reality says: lazy bastard
UV - Mockery of Reality says: pinko
Cauterized says: heh
Cauterized says: went jetskiing today
UV - Mockery of Reality says: terrorist
UV - Mockery of Reality says: real americans drive SUV's on the water

Cauterized Ovaries: the story of an old friend July 18, 2004, 11:57 pm
My friend and I used to joke about cauterizing her ovaries with a red hot poker. One day she was all menstrual and complaining about it, and we were working on proposing solutions. I (maybe it was her) mentioned using a red hot poker to cauterize her ovaries. She cringed when I mentioned it. Then I reminded her we were going for fast food... "French fries!" Her face lightened. I reiterated, "Ovaries!" She cringed. We played that game a few times... Every now and then we'll drag it back out because it's fun, the old times.

FOR FIVE FUCKING DAYS NOW... July 8, 2004, 9:23 am
...every five minutes I get a stomach cramp, which builds up to some form of gasseous release. I burp at least 3 times, then my stomach is calm for something like a minute, and then it builds back up to a cramp again. FUCK. I'm not nauseated or vomitting or anything, it's just this. It's gonna be a little hard FUCKING WORKING IN PUBLIC today.

Suggestions? I figure seppuku is obviously the only way to be sure.

Something interesting I learned about eastern medicine... June 3, 2004, 4:36 am
I learned tonight that there is s certain way you can apply pressure to your abdomen, in a circle. Supposedly it as to do with influencing the fluid movement within your digestive tract. Anyway, doing it one way (clockwise or counter) or the other will either relieve diahrrea or constipation, to a degree. I attempted it myself tonight, and found that I was able to take a pretty satisfying shit.

I guess the idea is that you can slacken the flow of fluid to your already saturated shit in order to relieve diahrrea, or you can increase the flow of digestive fluid to your dry brick-shit in order to relieve constipation.

I don't know which direction to tell you to do what, or how to properly instruct you even if I had the directions right, so I wouldn't advise you to attempt it.

Then there was something else about running a closed hand or fingers around the arms or legs, pulling in one long, fast strip, like a wire stripper, from shoulder to wrist, hip to knee, knee to foot, etc, in order to relieve tension. One can perform it on one's self or another. However, I have had issues with my skin being too dry for that to be comfortable. Perhaps I do not need to grip so tightly, or maybe I just have to lubricate my fingertips.