|weird fucking dream that my subconcious subsequently made worse||December 3, 2013, 12:27 pm|
yeah, this sometimes happens. Mad dream that, upon entering that weird, semi-logical half-sleep state, somehow became rationalized enough to actually make enough sense for me to consider doing something with it.
|FINGERNAILS||November 6, 2013, 10:40 pm|
|justification||September 14, 2013, 7:18 pm|
so, rewrite number four of the dn novel is about to begin. writing a blog about it to solidify the reasons why rewrite number three didn't quite work. If you're interested then I applaud you, but this blog is mostly for me, to get my ideas straightened out. I need to examine why this latest period of editing has failed to produce the results I was hoping for.
brief synopsis of where the project currently stands; what has emerged from the rubble of yet another rewrite is a 90'000 word straight-line monologue. Every single piece of exterior dialogue has been stripped out and replaced.
This has been a huge, monstrous, pain in the ass. Writing a novel featuring multiple characters with their own actions and motivations entirely from the standpoint of one person, without the aid of dialogue? Not fucking likely.
And yet it was done.
Why? Mainly so the voice of the protagonist isn't forced down to bad, one actor radio play status. The "he said, I said, she said..." complete with bad impressions of the person being imitated. For one thing, nobody speaks like that in real life. It's a contrivance bad novelists (looking at you, Anne Rice) have now made the norm and I'll be fucked if I'm going to fall into that lazy bullshit trap.
I have also went with the principal of having the protagonist witness everything he reports. If a crucial piece of plot happens offscreen, away from the eyes of the narrator, then he does not know about it. If he mentions how he learned about it later on then that, in turn, suggests that the protagonist survives the events of the novel. Which fucks dramatic tension.
Bearing this in mind, having the narrator speak to the reader in the past-tense throughout the book was, perhaps hilariously obviously, a complete and total cocksnarfling fuckup on my part.
This is one of the problems the fourth edit will rectify. It is being rewritten in present tense.
During the second draft I came up with the concept (after watching far, far too much 24) that the novel should not skip from scene to scene, but rather flow in real-time. The novel is, in a sense, a single entity. There are no moments of unaccounted for time; we spend every second with the narrator over the course of two days with no convenient 'fade to black' or perspective change when things get quiet or plot holes (how did they get from A to B?) need convenienced out of existence. Again, this was done. Again, this was absolute, mental break-down inducing lunacy, but it was done none-the-less.
I quickly came to the conclusion that 80'000 words of straight-line, no-break monologue is just too much for someone to be expected to sit through without some form of relief. I introduced segues between chapters (mostly featuring previously excised material; these, I reasoned, could be considered flashbacks to previous days and help explain the origins / motivations of characters. These I did in the same signature monologue style as the rest of the novel.
So, to fix an 80'000 word non-stop monologue, I added a further 10'000 words of monologue. Because I am a fucking retard.
Reaching for the delete key when I put months of hard work into these segues is pretty fucking heartbreaking. And it leaves me with several fairly major fucking problems; if motivation for a character's actions during the course of the novel was explained in the now-deleted segue, then it must be reintroduced. Somehow.
A concept that I introduced mid-way through the third editing cycle (the narrator used to write shit-tier children's books) has now evolved into a secondary book, pages of which are inserted between chapters. I've got an artist whom I used to know at college drawing scenes of lemmings flying kites, stuff that is metaphorically connected with what is happening in the forthcoming chapter, sketch-lined Winnie the Pooh shit. These will be accompanied by court documents, lines of script, declassified medical records, newspaper cuttings, etc. etc. etc. that will deliver the same information as was present in the segues.
These, after more than three years of writing more-or-less in the first-person, are proving to be a challenge. I'm actually enjoying both the research and writing of these. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed doing anything connected to this fucking piece of shit book.
Finally, there is a stylistic change. Going from past to present-tense has forced my hand somewhat in this; the flowery, faggoty flowing prose of the third-edition edit simply will not survive the transition. Moving things to the immediate tense sharpens words, shortens them, events are happening NOW so there is no time to fuck about and prettify the language. This, again, I am enjoying.
Right, that's enough bullshit procrastination from me. The plan for the forth edit is now carved in stone. Fuck your mother and fuck her anus.
|FUCK NO||June 27, 2013, 10:18 pm|
After three levels of starving to fucking death I finally find a motherload of food, eat till satiated, jump a yeti and stab that motherfucker to death. Then I think 'Hmmm, resistance to cold intrinsic' and decide to eat the yeti's corpse.
Player, over-satiated, chokes to death on a yeti.
punchline: was playing as a valrykie, who start the game with resistance to cold as standard.
|lol unemployment||June 18, 2013, 8:37 pm|
Re; mandatory completion of SVQ 3 before 2014
Hi there, just dropping you a quick email to explain why, after much consideration, I feel unable to participate in the SVQ3 course. My rationale is explained below.
I know of no other business that expects their own staff to pay for job training out of their own pocket. It is not in my best interests to invest my own money in this scheme, especially for a job that pays so little in the first place and the lack of significant advancement opportunities within the care industry afterwards.
Arguments that my money will be recouped two years after course completion have angered me beyond belief - assuming that the course takes between 8 to 12 months to complete, I would be unable to leave this job for up to three years without incurring significant financial penalties. This, in my opinion, is nothing short of blackmail and an utterly appalling way to treat anyone. You will not tie me to this job for a further three years because I fear to lose a thousand pounds.
To put my position in perspective, I would suggest that those three years would be better spent gaining a nursing degree. I would also point out that nursing degrees come with the option of receiving a bursary.
I would also like to add that the position of care assistant is stressful enough without the addition of disgusting financial penalties to be dealt out whenever the business owner feels she has somehow not gotten her money’s worth out of me. I have put up with physical, verbal and psychological abuse on a daily basis for seven years - I tolerate these severely unpleasant aspects of my job because I know that many of my charges are mentally ill and cannot modulate their behavior. I will not tolerate management holding a ransom over me on the off chance that I will get fed up of being abused and seek alternative employment.
I do not give you permission to dock my wages to pay for SVQ3 for the above reasons. I understand that, under the conditions set, my continued employment with <company> will become untenable past the date given for mandatory SVQ completion.
|drinking for four days straight, guts are wrong||May 19, 2013, 3:20 pm|
|holding it in, but am in mortal terror.|
|devin townsend's drummer thinks I am a bit of a cunt.||May 11, 2013, 7:27 pm|
was at the retinal circus in london last year, specifically to see the retinal circus show. As a side note, do not drink the water in london; it tastes like someone else's kidneys. Anyway, the show was fantastic and, being a fucking humongous alcoholic, I decided to go to the afterparty and get smashed, perhaps meet my heroes and generally be a cool dude.
The afterparty was in a complete cesspit music-basement with a bar upstairs that only sold beer in tins. There was a suspicious lack of people at the place; not knowing london, I cursed and asked the bouncer if this was the DTP after-party and if so where the hell was it all going down?
Bouncer says downstairs, third door on the right.
So off I go with my friends and GF in tow, clutching half a crate of ridiculously overpriced beer with the intention of getting completely mashed. The room to which we were directed was, if anything, even more of a dump than the rest of the bar; green wallpaper hanging off the walls, shitty leopardskin sofas. No one else is there - we must be early.
We set up camp; already half ruined from the gig, the tins of beer stand no chance. The empties begin to pile up. An hour passes and there is still no sign of this fabled afterparty. More beer is bought and consumed.
A lot more.
About an hour and a half into our epic drinking binge my GF taps me on the shoulder; a few girls have just walked in, and my GF thinks they are from the choir in the show. I scoff at this notion and continue to get completely wrecked.
Two hours in and I am *drunk*. And, through the miraculous alchemy of beer, I am starting to put two and two together. Something here is not right; the green wallpaper, the faux leopardskin couches... what the fuck sort of shitass music basement has couches like that?
There are empty tins everywhere. We have split beer everywhere. Our shit is spread from pillar to post. The girls from the maybe-choir are giving us some serious evils.
It is at this exact moment that two things happen; the band members walk into the room and, simultaneously, I realize that we have invaded their fucking dressing room.
The drummer is HUGE.
Lesson to be learned from this - there is something worse than meeting your heroes and finding out they are complete cunts. Imagine meeting your heroes and finding out that they think you are a complete cunt.
It is my secret shame.
|random thoughts on the writing process.||March 20, 2013, 6:58 pm|
This is just an exercise before I start my daily editing binge. Looking at a blank page, for me, is very intimidating. When confronted with a fresh, virgin piece of paper I find it helps to doodle in the margins, write obscenities and generally defile it unthinkingly before I start the proper writing. That way I can rest easy, knowing that nothing of value was lost should the end product head binwards.
Slept for maybe three hours today; one of those weird, creative dams in my headspace burst while I was lying in bed and after that I’m too wired for sleep. Think I came up with a nice literary framing device for my book, something that can bracket the beginning and ending of the novel and add some much needed pathos. It *should* work nicely and make the ending slightly less out of the great left fields of WTF. It does, however, require me to add in a little bit of conceit mid-way through the novel (say, in the winnebago).
Amongst the protagonist’s possessions scattered across the winnebago is an old mechanical typewriter, the sort with the manual slide like some pump-action shotgun of wordsmithery. Piles of paper reveal his delusion – in his spare time, sober and drunk, he has decided to write a children’s book, starring three lemmings (the analogues of which are, of course, Ziggie, Gambit and himself).
The novel will now open and close with a quote from this imaginary children’s book (the final line, ‘someday, a lemming with learn how to fly’ or something).
It fits in with Prot’s character quite well (after all, we are subjected to his point of view for the entire novel and should be well acquainted with his delusions of grandeur).
Of course, this means more re-writing. And more blank pages.
So other thoughts on the process. Two things have been praying on my mind recently; the first is the disturbing concept of Mary-Sue-ism, the second was something I saw on a TV interview with a comedian. Said comedian had decided to write his autobiography and described the process in harrowing terms, comparing the writing of a novel to standing alone on a stage performing a comedy act to an empty house.
Pretty accurate. But then, in all honesty, the only person you are trying to entertain (initially) is yourself. The lonely, soul-destroying part comes afterwards, during the editing process where you perform your routine time after time after time, honing it to a razor’s edge or dulling it completely. And because you are alone on that stage with no audience, you really have no idea which is which; jokes you thought hysterical during the first draft are less funny after the hundredth reading. This begs the question – were they funny in the first place? You start second guessing yourself *constantly*.
Which brings me, inelegantly, to the whole Mary Sue thing. For those not in the know, a Mary Sue is a character, nae, an Avatar of the author’s own fevered ego. Think of every fan fiction you have read in which the author’s fursona outruns Sonic the Hedgehog, has a 12 inch cock, or for whom Louis Lane dumps Superman.
James Bond, the invincible super-spy lady-killer, created by a frustrated intelligence agent. The fag from the Da Vinci Code, who’s muscular physique is matched only by his giant throbbing brain and his penchant for seducing women half his age. There are many more examples that I find equally repugnant.
Of course, it is par for the course to add in one bad feature; perhaps Bond’s nose is crooked, or Da Vinci Fag is a recovering alcoholic. Yeah, she’s got tiny tits, but I’d still shag her. If such things are added in a ham-fisted attempt at realism then it’s the mark of a bad author. If such things are added because the author is desperately trying to deflect the Mark of the Mary Sue...
I hate such literary egotism to the point of rabidity. Oh wow, spellcheck says rabidity is a real word, fucking awesome. I’m totally using that in the novel.
I can’t bear to read books about such characters. They bore me. I get enough of fevered egos polluting the radio and television networks without them insidiously invading my imagination as well.
I think if you really must carve sculptures of yourself out of marble, then cast yourself as the villain. No one minds superhero villains with genius level IQ’s shagging everything that moves. We tolerate it because their well-deserved demise is assured.
Which brings me to my point – by giving Prot literary aspirations, I slide a little more down the slippery slope of creating a Mary-Sue. Of course, I have taken precautions against this. Prot does not have one bad feature to mar his otherwise Adonis-like perfection; Prot is a repugnant, drunken failure who *might* have one good feature. If he’s lucky.
This is important. Character development can’t happen if the character is perfect to begin with.
Fuck You, Mary-Sue.
|foreskin presents - the complete works of darknation *14/03 update UNF*||February 19, 2013, 9:06 pm|
officially pissed off to high heaven with this thing, so am doing one last chainsaw edit and posting the results here. Expect one chapter / segue a week (already three chapters ahead, so things should go smoothly when it comes to uploading). Also, because people do nothing but moan when it comes to formatting this sort of thing on the forum, have decided to upload the pages as image files.
There are going to be spelling errors, the occasional typo. Help me to help you - point these out as you spot them and I will fix them for the final, final draft. Comments make the work go faster, as a happy darknation is a productive darknation.
All credits, copyrights and glory go to myself. Eat a dirty vagina.
|warhammer quest||January 31, 2013, 2:50 am|
got this for ma birfday.
Used to play the shit out of this when I was a kid, is basically a miniature based slash 'em up. Random dungeon generation via either cards or dice tables. Got my group coming over this weekend for a dungeon dive / orcrape spree. Because, you know, dungeons are these creature's home. You just break in, kill their friends and families, and steal all their shit.
In preparation for our first murder-simulation, I knocked up a few rules to make things more... realistic. Any D&D players who want to chip in with ideas for more drugs, sex and violence should feel free to do so.
- - - -
Potion of Cure Disease (D2x100g per dose)
Smells a bit like those banana flavoured antibiotic things you got as a kid. Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Potion of Cure Plague (d6+5x100g per dose)
Tastes like licking the inside of an Orc's arsehole. But will cure the really nasty shit like Nurgle's Rot, the Zombie Plague and
Potion of Invisibility (500g per dose)
Makes you invisible for one entire turn. Monsters can't see you, bitches can't hit you.
Potion of Fire Resistance (100g per dose)
Makes you invincible to fire-based attacks (dragon breath, etc) for D6 turns upon consumption. Shit hitting you with swords that
happen to be on fire have their attack strength halved.
Potion of Cold Resistance (100g per dose)
Same as above, but for freaks that breathe ice and other assorted chilly vapours.
Potion of Poison Resistance (100g per dose)
Immunity to poison for D6 turns. You laugh in the face of venomous spiders and snakes and fucking manticores. Man, I hate fucking
Pipe Weed (100g, supply for entire adventure)
Direct from the Shire, comes in a little baggy. Makes your feet hairy, for some reason. Hitting the bong over the course of the adventure will reduce your initiative by 1 (you can still do all the things you can do when sober, you just realize it's not worth the fucking effort) but increases your luck by one. Pipe weed is a 6+ addictive substance, roll for addiction at end of dungeon.
D6 Cocaine (500g)
+3 initiative and +1 attack for D6 turns after snorting. Characters without noses may not use cocaine. Oh, and it's a 6+ addictive substance, roll every time you take a hit.
D6 Speed (500g)
The Spice Melange (1000g per dose)
He who controls the spice controls the universe! He who ingests the spice can see into the future! Over the course of the next turn, the spice user can reroll any dice that directly affect him until he gets a result that satisfies. Note that the Spice Melange is a 5+ addictive substance, and the user CANNOT reroll his addiction test.
Addiction special rules
Roll as indicated above. If you pass, then all is well and good. If you fail, then you require more and more of those sweet, sweet drugs. You must keep yourself supplied with drugs at all times to keep yourself on an even keel, but taking those drugs has no positive effect on your stats.
After every unexpected event test against willpower - if failed, then you need to take another hit. If you have no drugs then withdrawal will kick in, meaning your weapon skill and ballistic skill will suffer a -1 modifier due to the shakes.Test against willpower at the end of every dungeon you make it through without the use of drugs - if you succeed, then you have successfully detoxed and everything returns to normal, or as normal as you depraved sons of bitches ever get. If you fail then things get worse instead of better, resulting in another -1 to WS and BS. Yes, this shit is cumulative, but your stats will return to their baseline if you fall off the wagon and get yourself some more DRUGZ.
In addition, anyone who is recovering or has previously been an addict to a substance must test against willpower every time they come into contact with that substance (in dungeon room treasure piles, for example). If you fail then your character is overcome and promptly shoves those drugs straight up their nose like an unstoppable junkie vacuum cleaner.
Two addicts in the same party WILL fight over the right to fling themselves into the giant mound of coke that Scarface of Khorne was keeping as his private stock. In this, frankly rather unlikely situation, fight a single round of combat between the two, the winner taking the spoils.
- - -
Some creatures (noted in their special rules) carry disease. Fight as usual, but every warrior who sustains at least one wound in the combat must test against toughness at the end of the fight (when all the monsters are dead, or our brave heroes have successfully run away). Failure of this test means that you have come down with some terrible, stinking disease and must consume a cure disease potion to alleviate their symptoms.
1 - The Brown Trots
Also known as "the BT's", sufferers double up as they are wracked by excruciating stomach pains. Test immediately against willpower - if failed, then the shart escapes down your trouser leg. Movement is halved for the next D6 turns as you squidge around and hunt desperately for toilet paper. Further tests are required in the instance of 1) being in the presence of creatures that cause Fear / Terror and 2) in the instance of an Unexpected Event. Because shitting your pants is always an Unexpected Event.
2 - The Dreaded Bone Ache (-1 Toughness)
Your marrow turns to ice and a deep, uncomfortable pain sets in about your abused joints. You feel old, and weary, and the sound of youth and laughter makes you swell with unbridled hate.
3 - Excruciating Ballwither (-1 strength)
You muscles, such as they are, go numb and slack. Your six pack sags into a horrible scrotum of humiliation.
4 - Lichenstien's Dementia (-1 Int, -1 Willpower)
What were we talking about?
5 - Hilarious Tremens (-1 WS, -1BS)
Your hands won't stop shaking, your teeth clatter insistently, your back shivers and your head twitches. You have become the human vibrator and would be irresistible to women, if it weren't for the stinking ropes of semi-sentient mucus dangling gayly from the end of your nose.
6 - Cockwarts
They are your secret shame, but no one need ever know! Cockwarts, whilst embarrassing, are mostly cosmetic.