esselfortium's Doomworld Forums Blog

esselfortium's Doomworld Forums Blog

Coming out November 10, 2016, 12:07 pm
Hi folks! This is honestly a pretty crummy subject to have to talk about in a big public forum post, but it's long overdue that I get this off my chest, so I'll make this quick and get it over with:

I'm a transgender woman and I'm in the process of undergoing HRT. This is a really exciting and important thing for me, and the past year and a half of my life has already been way better for it. It also isn't a decision that was made lightly -- on the contrary, it's been the scariest and most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Those of you who already know have been tremendously supportive beyond my wildest expectations, and I feel extremely fortunate to have made such amazing friends here. The Doom community is a pretty awesome place. With your help and reassurance, this post was way less stressful to make, so thank you!

To everyone else who's just hearing about this now, I'm not going to be a different person than you've known on the forums since forever. This is who I've always been, something I was internally grappling with even before I registered here on Doomworld a long as heck time ago. So my posting will still be as lousy as you've come to expect, etc, etc.

Given the problems that have been had with some other threads in recent memory, I'm just going to remind everyone that this is a personal blog thread and not a gender politics debate. With that said, I realize that this is a subject that's unfamiliar to a lot of people, so questions are welcome, just please be respectful. Thanks!


I'm 26! July 27, 2015, 1:13 pm
It's kind of like being 25, but older.

E-stalkers! October 21, 2013, 10:45 pm
I'm apparently a magnet for them! Every day is full of excitement.

Today's helping:

From what I've been previously informed, j4rio and I are actually the same person. This discovery was as surprising to me as it surely will be to all the rest of you, especially j4rio.

Free music from me in this thread -- One on Twoism Vol. 5 is out :) May 28, 2012, 6:23 pm
I'm going to be posting up a bunch of free music in the near future, along with dorky little articles about the songs' production.

The first one, "New Faction", was an experiment to see what sorts of sounds I could coax out of an extremely restrictive synth/sampler that I usually don't bother with.

You can hear the song here:

If you liked "18 Apostolos" from Seventeen More Times you'll probably like this too. Check it out! Share it with your friends! Put it in salads!

Happy birthday Fisk "Dorkhaven" Peachtree Mcentire! August 8, 2011, 2:23 am

Because one bad post deserves another.

"Seventeen More Times" is done: new Essel album! Update: Listen free online! May 10, 2011, 11:44 am

Update: I've just set up a streaming site where you can listen to my new album for free online. Take a listen here for free!

Album is buyable from CDBaby and iTunes.


High-quality physical CD and MP3 downloads are available from

01. Quantum Magic
02. Zwei
03. Invis
04. Treetops
05. Descent
06. Hibernator (White Moon)
07. Dirac
08. Other/Self
09. Final Outpost
10. Introjection
11. 18 Apostolos
12. Light of the Soul
13. Apollo (Black Moon)
14. The Beast That Shouted "I" at the Heart of the World
15. Close Hands/Open Hands
16. Andante

Free streaming previews of Zwei, Introjection, and 18 Apostolos are up on my SoundCloud page. Andante has a music video up on YouTube.

Seventeen More Times is a full-length album I've written and produced over the past four years. It's entirely instrumental, and bridges a wide range of styles from upbeat electronica to cinematic downtempo pieces to heavy psychedelic rock.

Higher Plain Music wrote an absolutely glowing review of the album, and so in all my vanity I'll just quote part of that in lieu of anything else to say:

“Seventeen More Times” is an album best enjoyed as a whole. There’s different cycles throughout the album and each one plays its act in setting up the next track. You won’t feel the absolute rebirth of “Andante” if you havent crawled the depths of the previous three tracks. For that, for its craftmenship and for his ability to form absolutely storming tracks in all different guises, Esselfortium’s latest album is a triumph. Make this your 2011 new artist discovery.

Album is gettable here.

Hope you all enjoy :)


Click here to hear it online! Did I mention you can listen for free?

My resignation from Skulltag staff. August 19, 2010, 4:16 pm
There was some question over my recent disappearance from the staff roster over on

Yesterday I voiced disagreement over a staff policy. In lieu of an actual discussion, my opinions were shouted down with otherworldly strawman arguments, bizarre accusations, and insistence that I had no idea what I was talking about. I repeatedly tried to clarify what I was actually asking for, only to be rudely dismissed repeatedly and talked down to, including questions of whether I was having a bad day and insistence that they knew better.

I was then told, summarily, that my questioning of Eruanna's policy was argumentative and made "discussion impossible". At this point I was less concerned about the rule and more about the visible instability of the staff I was working with. I'm willing to accept that my opinions are only my opinions, and that they don't need to be shared by the rest of the staff, but none of my suggestions or criticisms were even given the slightest bit of consideration. As I had no interest in being a staff member in name only, whose only allowed purpose was to be a yes-man to Metal and Eruanna, I resigned.

So, that was that. I look forward to continuing my contributions to the Doom community in other ways, and wish Metal and Eruanna the best of luck in finding new staff members who will be less questioning of their wisdom. I now no longer doubt the horror stories I've heard from other former staff members.

I wasn't going to make a public announcement of this, but I've already seen attempts to rewrite history to make me look like the aggressor in all this, so I figured I'd post my side of the story. I was going to post it on Skulltag itself, but the thread was conveniently locked while I was writing my post. Funny thing, that.

A new esselsong, Invis, for download. September 20, 2008, 3:49 am
I think it's time for me to finally call this song finished, after having initially started on it almost a year and a half ago. The original idea came from me hearing a few seconds of some Autechre song (no, I don't know which one) on a streaming radio station, with some awesomely glitchy drums, being inspired by the sound, and immediately setting off to write a song based on that inspiration. The resulting song is very much my own, though, and it's definitely not a remake or imitation of anything that I know of. :P

It's got some synth sounds that I programmed for it, intricate drum programming, strings, various ethnic-sounding influences, some distorted breaks, and this amazing Boards of Canada-esque synth patch that was programmed by a friend of mine, that comes in around halfway through the song. I <3 that sound and he is totally awesome. (Check him out! )

I might end up making some more adjustments to the mixing, especially if Esselalbum 2.0 ever comes to exist, but for now I'm happy with it. :)

A few people here have already heard work-in-progress versions of this song, but here's the effectively finalized one, now with an actual ending.

Without further adieu, here's Esselfortium - Invis:

Hope you guys enjoy it! :D


So I just got back from seeing Porcupine Tree live... October 10, 2007, 1:44 am

I went with two friends from school, and some other Porcupine Tree fans from school I hadn't met before. We got there a couple hours early and waited outside so we could get good spots inside.

Since I didn't actually own any of their albums and I was in need of some more variety of the t-shirt assortment, I bought the Fear of a Blank Planet album-cover shirt, plus Fear of a Blank Planet, In Absentia, and Nil Recurring (new EP) on CD.

For the actual show I ended up getting to stand in the second row, right in the middle so I got a good view of Steven Wilson. There was this kid who had been to six (SIX) (SIXXXX ._.) of their shows on just this tour alone, who was hogging the front row space in front of me. I was displeased, but the show was absolutely incredible anyway.

The opening band, Three, was pretty decent, but Porcupine Tree's performance was..words just can't do it justice. There was so much energy, they played a ton of great songs (really, I can't think of any songs of theirs I wouldn't want to see live), and they just sounded amazing.

Outside after the show, we waited for an hour or so for the band to come out, and we eventually got to talk to some of them before they left. Steven signed my new copy of In Absentia. I told him the show was incredible, he said he was glad to hear I was so moved by it.

Oh god I know I'm just going on and on but it was pretty glorious :O

EDIT EDIT EDIT: Okay, here's the fixed tracklist.

Fear of a Blank Planet
What Happens Now?
The Sound of Muzak
Anesthetize (!!!)
Open Car
My Ashes
Blackest Eyes
Cheating the Polygraph
Half Light
Way Out of Here
Sleep Together

Dark Matter

Esselfortium - A Terrible Flood! (musics! elektroniks! bip boops! oh joyous day) May 13, 2007, 7:56 pm
So, I'm at least a month late on doing this, but here's the official release thread for my debut album, A Terrible Flood.

(cover artwork by Steve McNamara)

A Terrible Flood is a 74-minute album, containing 18 songs of various styles, including breakbeat, downtempo, IDM, and drum'n'bass. Major influences include Boards of Canada, fat jon, Moby, Joe Boyd Vigil, and many others.

Is this a spam post? No way! Even if you have no interest whatsoever in purchasing A Terrible Flood and supporting your friendly neighborhood esselfortium, there are five free songs from it that you can download from this here link!

If you like the completely free music you've just listened to and want the full experience, it can be purchased from! It's just like shareware, only not anything like shareware at all actually! :D

Our very own Killingblair and Hobbs are satisfied customers. Tell me, would anyone truly not want to join these noble ranks?

But don't take my word for it! Here's what other people are saying about A Terrible Flood:

This is quite impressive. I can tell that you've got musical skills and the pieces are sonically interesting. There are a variety of styles on the album, yet a certain musical passion remains consistent throughout. It's almost like there are several albums compiled into one. There's a range in there between Nalpordyh to Skybox that's really moving - I like the short interesting vignettes.
- Kurt "Peff" Kurasaki, author of Power Tools for Reason 3.0 (

There's so much energy in it; you can really hear you love what you're doing. [...] This album doesn't sound derivative of anything, it sounds like you're just having a blast making electronic stuff. [...] Really varied but works really well, everything sits together in a brilliant context.
- Tom "Stompp" Pritchard, producer

If you like melodies, breakbeats, emotion, or all 3, check this one out — you’ll be happy you spent the money.
- Justin Smith, (full review at

I have listened to a wide variety of electronic music in various flavors. Essel's CD, even in its formative stages, caught my attention. Surprisingly listenable, constantly undergoing revision, A Terrible Flood is a genuine -- and successful -- effort. Featuring songs in the classic sample tradition (The Airport) to darker and more ambient moments (Chilled), A Terrible Flood may not break new ground but stakes its territory among other works in its genre assertively.
- Omer Ikizler, satisfied customer

Fantastic, absolutely fantastic. It is not often that you find good music these days, A Terrible Flood is one of those exceptions. It has emotion, flow, ups, downs, soft bits, hard bits, and all sorts of other bits. And it all comes together smoothly and seamlessly into an album that is definetly just a little more than bip boop noises for the masses.
- Hobbs, troll with really huge guts

Good music is good.
- Killingblair