geekmarine's Doomworld Forums Blog

geekmarine's Doomworld Forums Blog

Cripple update March 9, 2014, 12:38 am
So several months ago, my legs basically gave out on me. Out of the blue, I had developed a rare nervous disorder known as Guillain-Barré Syndrome. This occurs when your white blood cells decide to spaz out and attack your nervous system. Fortunately, I was hospitalized quickly (yet stubbornly against my wishes - I was convinced nothing serious was wrong with me), and was treated before the condition spread - it starts in your legs, but eventually works its way upward, sometimes even getting as far as your lungs and causing you to stop breathing.

Let me say... moving back in with your parents when you're friggin' 30 sucks ass... Especially when you have to literally move thousands of miles in the process and abandon the city that was once your home. All told, though, I should be incredibly grateful to have such loving parents and to have people to take care of me in such a dire situation. It's one of those things where, you realize that whatever you lost, you're reminded of what you still have, which is a seriously bitchin' family that has your back.

The real point, though, was I just wanted to brag about how much better I'm doing (yeah, I normally don't like to brag, but eh, I feel entitled). I've still got bad pain in my legs, but I've built myself up to being able to walk several miles a day, which is no small feat given the circumstances. I'm also in the middle of applying to grad school, so we'll see how that turns out. As cliche as it may sound, I guess the real point is that I'm realizing how amazing my life is after having so much taken away - I mean sure I hate my circumstances, but I'm so thankful to have a loving family to take care of me, and this seeming setback may actually be a push forward in my life, what with grad school and all.
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Doom-related dream!? February 8, 2014, 9:14 am
Oh wow, that was weird. Last night, I had a dream pertaining to Doom, which is odd because I honestly can't remember the last time that's happened to me. Like seriously, it's been at least a solid decade. Anyway, the basic setup for my dream was that the community was doing a new megawad project - the theme was clever and creative use of Zdoom's modding capabilities. There weren't really any rules, the idea was just for each level to really show off what Zdoom can do in its current iteration.

Funny thing is, I've never done any modding for Zdoom specifically in my whole life. Don't know why, I just never got around to learning Zdoom. Maybe the dream was trying to encourage me to try. Or maybe this is some "Field of Dreams" BS where I'm actually supposed to host a Zdoom community project (really hope not, as I have neither the time nor the got-it-togetherness to do such a thing). Either way, just thought it was funny to suddenly have a Doom-related dream after so long, and one about modding and the community to boot. Wonder if it's because I recently fired up Doom Builder again after a long hiatus?
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Weird medical ailment December 21, 2013, 4:07 am
So back in like mid-October, one day, I just woke up and my legs felt incredibly sore, as if I had just gone to the gym and completely over-exercised them. They were incredibly stiff, they hurt a lot, and I could barely put weight on them without them giving out. I went around for about a week with this condition, in constant pain, barely able to walk (since my legs could barely support me, I fell down a lot), before I was finally talked into going to the hospital.

Once in the hospital, I was diagnosed with Gillain-Barre Syndrome, a rare disease in which one's own white blood cells begin attacking the nervous system. The pain and the lack of control over my legs was the result of this. There is no cure, but there are treatments which can speed recovery, which roughly takes 3-6 months, depending.

Anyhow, the whole thing kinda upheaved my life - I basically ended up quitting my job and moving back home with my parents (across the country, mind you) because of the whole deal (couldn't work and could barely take care of myself in the condition I was in). Actually, after my initial treatment in the hospital, I was basically discharged straight to the airport to catch my flight back to Texas. I couldn't even really go back to my apartment and I had a friend do my packing for me.

Good news is, I'm starting to do much better. My legs still hurt a lot, but I've been getting around a lot more easily recently (I've had to use a walker, but I hardly need it now). Soon I should be almost completely recovered (there may be a bit of permanent nerve damage, but likely I should be mostly back to normal once this ordeal is over).

I just wanted to post about this because I'm really excited that I'm making such improvements, and because the whole thing just seems so surreal. Just one day, bam, wake up with an illness I've never even heard of.
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A series of dreams is really messing with me August 7, 2013, 6:59 pm
So, I've been having a series of related dreams, and it's really got me thinking. Basically, it started with a dream about me meeting this girl and talking, and we decided to go out to eat. After dinner, she said she'd like to hang out again sometime, but wouldn't tell me when. This was followed by another couple of dreams that at first, weren't about her, but then she'd appear. At first, I wouldn't recognize her, or I'd forget her name, or whatever, but it never seemed to bother her, she'd just remind me and then I'd remember the first dream. Anyway, she'd show up and we'd just chat for a while, but the weird thing was, it didn't seem like dream chat. Like, she remembered old topics we talked about, and she'd have things to add to new topics I brought up. Most people in my dreams act scripted, like, they can't follow the conversation if you say something unexpected. There was just something off about the whole thing.

Anyway, last night, I had another dream that started off having nothing to do with her - I just got home when I found that someone had left a letter inviting me to join a hate group in my apartment. I wasn't sure what to do with the letter, especially since they had actually broken in to leave it inside (just basically managed to take advantage of a window with a broken latch), when suddenly she came into my bedroom. Once again, I had no clue who she was at first, but then she mentioned the restaurant we had eaten at, and suddenly those earlier dreams came flooding back to me (though in the dream, of course, I saw them as memories, not dreams).

She said she just stopped by to say hi, and that she'd be back later, and then she left. I woke up and all I could do was think about that dream. I've been thinking about it all day. I started thinking, what with her quirks, the way she acts more like a real person than most people in my dreams, how she keeps showing up, etc., what if she is a real person who did somehow come into my dream? lol I know it sounds silly, and I don't believe it, but it was an interesting thought. I mean, obviously there's nothing here that can't be explained by regular dreaming. It was just, there are certain patterns we come to expect from dreaming (dreams don't generally have sequels, people in dreams generally tend to act a bit off, etc.), but there's no rule that says dreams HAVE to follow those patterns, and when the patterns are broken, we get thrown off.
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Most terrifying nap ever September 4, 2012, 5:39 pm
So I just woke up from a short nap, and had the most terrifying experience of my life. Well, I'd probably qualify that, I've probably had more terrifying experiences, but it definitely shook me to the core. Basically, after sleeping for oh, 30 minutes or so, I suddenly jolted up and had absolutely no memories of who I was, where I was, or how I got there. I basically had total amnesia. It only took me about a minute or so to piece things together and get my memory back, but for that minute, I felt more lost than I've ever been in my entire life. In the end, I was safely in my bed in my apartment, but geez, that time spent staring at my room and everything in it, with no memory of any of it, no memory of even my name or where I came from, it was just terrifying. My mind was racing and I was in a total panic trying to figure out what was going on. Even when some vague memories came back, it still didn't help much - I remembered my family, which led me to think I must be in my sister's house. She doesn't have a house, but remembering my sister made me think I was there. It also led me to thinking I was in Texas, not Minnesota, because my family lives in Texas.

Ugh, I'm glad it's over, but man was that just about the freakiest thing that's ever happened to me.
18 Comments

Social Media and TMI June 22, 2012, 1:19 am
So, I've recently gotten involved with Twitter... Not posting, mind you, I primarily just use it for keeping up to date with a few Internet celebrities I follow... well, IRL celebrities too, but this is mainly about Internet celebrities. I got into Twitter because it kept me updated on people I followed who'd posted new videos, and it was fun to see their random thoughts, as well.

Recently, however, a person I followed on Twitter basically had a complete meltdown. I sympathize with him, and I understand what led up to it, but at the same time, all I can think is, "If I had just not followed him on Twitter, I'd be blissfully unaware of all of this." And really, I don't care about his personal problems, or at least I don't need to know about them. I love his movie and video game reviews, but I don't want to get involved with his personal life.

It's not that I don't have sympathy - he's had hard times, and he suffers from clinical depression. I get that. It's just, all I can think is, if it weren't for Twitter, I wouldn't be emotionally caught up in his problems, and while that sounds horrible, I think that's appropriate when dealing with even minor celebrities. I just keep thinking that in some way, the Internet is ruining that concept.
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"Stop playing those damn games and get a life" July 6, 2010, 2:39 pm
So it's summer, and since I work in a school, I have a lot more free time now. Only problem has been trying to determine how to spend that free time. To put this in context, for a while now, I've been kind of angsty about video games - I dunno, just always felt there was something better I could be doing with my free time, and so I hadn't been able to enjoy them as much. Like seriously, the moment I picked up a game, I had this sinking feeling that I should be doing something else, and so I pretty much gave up on games. After a couple of weeks to adjusting to the increase in free time, though, I slowly found myself getting back into the gaming habit. In fact, in the past couple of weeks, I've beaten three games (Mirror's Edge, CoD 2, and finally got around to finishing the first season of Sam and Max), and I'm hoping to conquer more (tired of having a collection of half-finished games lying around).

However, there's still the little niggling question in the back of my head of whether or not I should be using my time better. To be clear, I'm not, say, forsaking my friends for video games, and I am regularly getting out of the apartment, so it's not like I'm a shut-in. I just feel that maybe I should have a more productive hobby, not that I entirely know what that means. Like, I guess, for instance, I have a friend who wrote a book in his free time, and is currently trying to get it published. Then again, it's not like I have anything to write about. Not that the hobby has to be writing a book, but I dunno, something where I'd have something to show for it, like back when I used to write games in Qbasic or map for Doom. Or maybe make videos for youtube or something. But then, I don't feel an ounce of creativity or inspiration on any of those areas.

So anyway, the question's just been pestering me. Am I missing something, or should I just stop overanalyzing it and just have fun.
9 Comments

Parents in public June 3, 2010, 5:29 pm
So I was taking the bus home from work today, and there was this woman in the back with her toddler. I think he was fidgeting in his seat or something, because she kept telling him to sit still. Point is, he was clearly doing something that was only a bother to the woman herself. Finally, she got tired of constantly telling him, so she spanked him. Great, so now we go from a fidgety kid who was only bothering his mother to a crying kid who's disturbing the whole bus. I'm thinking, "Great, lady, did you really have to do that? Seriously." And this kid was really bawling, too. It wasn't any of this "softly sobbing" business, it was full-on top-of-his-lungs waterworks. Just when I think the situation can't get any worse, she proceeds to start screaming at this kid at the top of her lungs to shut up. Way to go, lady, you're officially now more grating than the little kid you're trying to silence.

Luckily, my stop came up shortly, so I was able to quickly escape the madness. Point is, though, I can't stand parents who do that. Believe me, I know full-well how obnoxious kids can be in public when their parents don't do anything to reign them in, but the only thing I hate more than that are parents who escalate the situation. At least when a kid is being obnoxious, it's just a kid being a kid. My personal feelings toward the situation, though, are that parents are adults, and should therefore know better. I know raising a kid can be stressful, and everyone has their breaking point - yeah, it's inevitable that at some point, any parent's going to just get to the point where they're so fed up that they snap at the child. I dunno, though, there's just something that really bothers me about situations in which the parents are more obnoxious and disruptive than the kids they're trying to control.
19 Comments

Epic douche March 26, 2010, 4:54 pm
Okay, so while walking over to the store to pick up some things, I passed this drugstore parking lot. It was mostly empty, but I noticed one car in the back double-parked, as if someone else pulling into the parking lot would ignore every other space and park right at the back right next to him. That was douchy enough in itself.

However, it got better. I ran into this guy at the stoplight on my way back home. He was going in the same direction I was, but he turned into the drugstore parking lot. I sometimes cut across the parking lot on the way home, so I thought nothing of it. I just happened to glance over, though, and saw him getting into that car. Turns out, not only did he double-park at the back of a nearly-empty parking lot, but he wasn't even at the drugstore, he was at the shopping center across the street. Just totally floored me.
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Education in America confuses me February 6, 2010, 10:40 am
Am I missing something here? It seems like people are always bitching about the education system in America, but I'm baffled by the things people complain about. It seems people are quick to blame the teachers, the schools, the lack of standards, etc., but there's one group that I never hear blamed - the students themselves. I just don't get it - when I was growing up, it was made abundantly clear to me that if I did poorly on a test, it's my own fault, and that I can't blame the teacher if I didn't study or pay attention in class. But these days, all I ever hear about is holding teachers accountable and whatnot, and I just don't get it.

This has especially bothered me since I started working as a teaching assistant in a local high school. I mean, aside from special-needs students, I can always identify the students who will do the worst. They're not hard to spot - they're the ones who always have their cell phones out and texting, they're the ones who never do their work, they're the ones who are always listening to MP3 players during lectures, etc. And that just makes the whole thing seem so absurd to me - we want to go after teachers for poor choices students make? I mean yeah, a good teacher can help encourage students to make the right decision, but you can't force anyone to learn. Believe me, I've tried - but there just really isn't a damn thing you can do about a kid who decides, "You know what? I'm just gonna sit here, do nothing, and fail the class."
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