Just a teaser :-P

Howdy people, to celebrate that I'm through the toughest bit of working on "Doom - Evil Unleashed" I felt like posting an extract from the Wolfenstein story I've begun working on. This is the most thoroughly reworked bit of that story as of yet, but it'll likely undergo changes before I post this bit as part of the full story.

I will finish the Doom story and its improved version before I start posting the actual chapters of the Wolfenstein story (I expect to have the Doom story complete by the beginning of June). I'm posting this extract, because I'd like some feedback (and perhaps guidance, should you find that this bit sucks) before I start posting the actual story.
________________________________________________

A terrible scream echoed throughout the damp corridors of the dungeon.

It reached the ears of the half insane inmates of the prison cells. A moment went by and another scream sounded.

Sergeant Strauss was waiting patiently behind the lattice door to the interrogation chamber where Doctor Zierler, who was called “Doctor Z” by the Castle guards, was busy interrogating one of his victims.
A flash of blue electricity lighted up the sinister room as the Doctor sent yet another electrical charge through the man chained to the table at the center of the room.
Doctor Z stretched his back for a moment. He was a man in his early fifties with long, gray hair and a small beard beneath his pointy, beak-like nose.
The Doctor literally worshipped “Der Führer” and as such had a similar beard, which gave him a sense of greatness.
He wore a long, green coat. It was currently rather filthy with dried blood from his latest victims.

“Come in Feldwebel, come in” he said and waved his hand at Sergeant Strauss.
The Sergeant, who was quite used to watching the Doctor conduct his “enquiries” on the prisoners, marched in and stood at attention before the Doctor.
“Your orders Herr Doctor?” he asked.
“Ach, this bastard here is as stubborn as they come, go and get his accomplice, this one wont last much longer!”
“Jawohl, Herr Doctor!” the Sergeant replied in acknowledgement, turned around and headed for the dungeon with the holding cells.

As Strauss entered the Hallway with the cells, he heard the sizzling of electricity behind him, accompanied by a long, painful scream of agony.
He giggled to himself. That’s one less Allied schweinhund to mingle with the affairs of the Third Reich! He thought to himself with grim satisfaction.

There had been two Allied spies. They had barely spoken since their capture, but the little they had uttered had been in English – English with American accent, which was enough to identify them as Americans

He reached the last cell in the hallway.
He remembered that it had taken three big SS guards to hold this particular prisoner when the two spies had been captured. Three SS soldiers! He thought to himself. This American was quite clearly a very dangerous prisoner, so Strauss knew that he had to be particular careful with him. He pulled out his pistol – a caliber 9 millimeter Lüger and opened the door.

The cell was damp and very dark.

“Get out!” he barked in German and cautiously stepped into the cell looking around. The Sergeant couldn’t see the American anywhere. At first he hadn’t been able to see anything because of the darkness in the cell, but as he stepped inside, he began to see things more clearly. But the American wasn’t there!
With a sudden wave of horror a thought entered Strauss’ mind. He looked up.

The Sergeant barely saw the dark shape which landed on him from above with all its weight. Strauss felt how the gun left his hand as the air was knocked out of his lungs. He let out a muffled groan as he landed on the cold floor of the cell. He felt a big fist pound him repeatedly in his side and didn’t notice that the knife he had taken from the American spy when he and his partner was captured, was pulled out of his belt. Not until the cold steel buried itself in Strauss’ lung.

The last thing that went through Strauss’ mind before everything went black was the question: How did he manage to position himself above the door?

___________________

Comments?

Well done. This should be interesting, since you're probably more familiar with WW2 German mentality than most us. And yet you'll be writing for the main character, who's American. I can't wait to see it.

What worries me the most is that I might get carried too much away on making it as true to particularly RtCW.
Hopefully, I'll be able to avoid making it too predictable.

Be advised that I wont have time to do an awful lot of writing (at least not fanfic) until late June, so I'll quite likely not be so "productive" during that period.

Anyway, glad you liked my teaser, I'll do my best to live up to your expectations :-)

[edit]Uhh, why would I know more than the WW2 mentality than most of you?[/edit]

I've never played the Wolfensteins ('cept for a few levels of the old one) so everything will be a suprise for me at least.

uhh...good story...but one question:

is this RtcW or Wolf 3d?

The story will primarily be based on RtCW since it's the most "historically correct" of the two (I know that a lot of people say that RtCW isn't historically correct, but it's historically correct ENOUGH to me), but I will also try and include as many elements from Wolf3d as possible.

Nicely done.

No major problems that I see, just a few nitpicks that can be safely ignored.

1) "pointy, beak-like nose": Pointy and beak-like mean the same thing so makes the sentence a bit redundant. I would would go with just "beak-like".

2) "The Doctor literally worshipped": 'Literally' is usually considered a filler or junk word. In case it lessens the force of the sentence and I would drop it.

3) "A terrible scream echoed throughout the damp corridors of the dungeon. It reached the ears of the half insane inmates of the prison cells. A moment went by and another scream sounded.": These sentences seems out of place since what immediately follows relates to the Strauss and not to the general prison populace. It would be better IMO to just start with the next paragraph, or use Strauss as the focus. That is, rewrite it so that he is the observer to the screams.

Other than that, well done.

Oh, and where have I seen that over the door stunt before? :)

Wildman said:

Oh, and where have I seen that over the door stunt before? :)

1. In RtCW
2. In Tomorrow's yesterday
But don't worry, BJ'll find a different way to position himself up there than in TY - I'm going to focus more on making the story "feel" like RtCW. In the end, I doubt that it will bear much resemblance to TY except for a few, small tidbits.
Anyway, thanks a lot for the advice - these things'll be corrected/improved in the "final release".

dsm said:

1. In RtCW
2. In Tomorrow's yesterday

Oh, I don't care, I'm just giving you a hard time. It's not like I invented it. :) It has been in how many books and movies? I didn't know that it was in RtCW (I haven't played the game). When you think about it though, there isn't really any other way to get the jump on someone in a jail cell, so it is a perfectly valid device.

Look forward to the story.