Existential haze

Anyone else have this problem? For several hours nearly every day, my mind has constant deliberations about various subjects, mostly from a scientific or analytical perspective, and the more I read, the more obsessive these thoughts become. I dare say that my recent employment has increased the frequency of these thoughts, rather than having the opposite effect. I've had this issue for years and find that life has become a very confusing, hazy and floaty sort of affair; everything seems indeterminate and nothing can ever be approached with simplicity. Often I experience life as an outsider looking in, not really attached to my physical vessel but rather floating as a projection, trying to make sense of various stimuli which seem to possess no objective logic.

GoatLord said:

my recent employment has increased the frequency of these thoughts

I would like to know your line of work :-)

Uh huh. I see.

can you give some examples?

Do you feel down/blue about this existential angst? Maybe you are depressed. Are you satisfied with your employment or is it a drudgery?

Feeling detached from your body sounds a bit like depersonalization.

Hellbent: I made a status update about my angst as well, so I'll just quote from that. Some examples include: "The origin and implications of religious belief; perception versus objectivity; the line between relativistic and quantum mechanical phenomena; the merging of biology and technology; the significance of non-procreative sexual unions; the illogical nature of emotional response; the intangible yet experiential quality of time; the behavior of--and psychological response to--the visible portion of the electromagnetic spectrum; the role and importance of aesthetics; artistic stagnation in the 21st century."

Maes: I am employed at a hospital. I push the button that opens the gate and lets the valet drivers through so they can enter the parking garage. It's the kind of job that has way too much down time, so I quickly drift off into philosophical struggles, as there is sometimes 10-15 minutes without a single driver coming through.

Stygian: I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a child, bi-polar disorder as an adult, and was told by my most recent shrink (who I no longer see, as I felt I was too immature to take advantage of therapy) said that I have OCD tendencies. I think if you combine these three behavioral issues with severe sexual phobia, possible body dysmorphia and an intense interest in life's "big questions," you fall into existential abysses from time to time.

You describe it as a problem, so I'll offer a solution. Find a job which is more stimulating than the one you have. Or at least one where you constantly have to do something. Anything.

Honestly, I believe you should only tackle subjects like this if you're psychologically happy. You wouldn't push your body into doing things it's not trained to do, so why punish your mind similarly? I could write multiple paragraphs about how, in my experience, existential musings are a slippery slope into a paralyzing state of depression, but suffice it to say you're not helping yourself. Thoughts like the ones you have are compounding your existing negativity, even if you don't intend them to be related.

You certainly make a good point. A few weeks ago, I was actually doing more stimulating work at the hospital, and didn't have time to dwell on these intense subjects. I dunno why they put me on button duty. If it lasts much longer I'm definitely going to have to seek a different line of work, hopefully one that can take advantage of my graphic design degree.

maybe you should shoot up your school.

GoatLord said:

You certainly make a good point. A few weeks ago, I was actually doing more stimulating work at the hospital, and didn't have time to dwell on these intense subjects. I dunno why they put me on button duty. If it lasts much longer I'm definitely going to have to seek a different line of work, hopefully one that can take advantage of my graphic design degree.

Maybe you dont have change jobs (as in different place), talk to your team leader or manager and perhaps they can transfer you to a slightly better position, different duties etc. If you seek professional help and you are indeed diagnosed with something, your employer needs to find something better suited for you.

Im certainly no expert, but it does sound like the job is effecting you lots.

Firstly, I can totally relate. I'm very guilty of using intellectualization as a coping mechanism (which is my layman's opinion of what's happening here). Now, coping doesn't necessarily imply that you're trying to repress anything other than boredom. It could be that you're unfulfilled in your daily life (as others have pointed out) and so you turn to a high-minded version of fantasizing for stimulation.

If you're genuinely processing this information, that is you're looking for solutions to issues you believe to be [personally] solvable, then it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Now, if all you're doing is spinning your wheels and engaging in a kind of philosophical masturbation, then that could be 1) unproductive, and/or 2) trigger a depression or similar funk. Just make sure to monitor your thoughts and feelings very carefully. Depression can be worse for intelligent people, as the brain has more information to use against itself. A bigger maze to get lost in, so to speak. :-/

You've been very forthcoming in this thread, and that's great. I don't know why you say you're not mature enough for therapy. If you treat your discussions with your therapist like you treat the discussion in this thread, I think you could get some good work done. It could be that you just haven't found the right therapist... it can be a real search, sometimes. My [again, layman's] opinion is that you might want to simplify your questions to those that are personally relevant, before tackling Life's Bigger Questions (as fun as those can be to mull over).

Lastly, you haven't mentioned a personal philosophy. Are you feeling a void in this area -- perhaps that's what you're searching for? For many people (especially the more extra/introspective (we'll just say 'spective')) it's important to have some firm philosophical ground to stand on before going on these kind of mental quests. So if you intend to keep thinking about these things, you might want to first address what perspective it is you're looking at them from, even if that perspective is tenuous, and liable to change. For example: I'm an agnostic-atheist nihilist with deterministic leanings. But that's just, like, my opinion, man.

Speaking personally again, I felt very out of place some years after giving up my parents' religion. Could it be you're struggling with religious questions? Or are these just a fun distraction/curiosity?

Sounds like boredom, which is hardly surprising when given a task that could probably be done by a machine.

darknation said:

maybe you should shoot up your hospital.

FTFY

darknation said:

maybe you should shoot up your school.

I like where this thread is going.

Seriously though, your job sounds boring as fuck and that's probably why. You might need to find something to bring to work with you to keep you occupied. I'm a manager at a convenience store / gas station thing that gets a lot of business, so I'm often dealing with failing technology, customer complaints, counting money, cleaning things, and I rarely can make the time to do my assigned tasks, even in an eight-hour time frame. I feel as though your job requires... pretty much no mental or physical energy whatsoever, so your brain is outputting it in a way you probably shouldn't be (for the sake of your own sanity.)

For the time being you might want to start writing a novel or bring sudoku or crossword puzzles to work and/or some music to listen to. But that kind of repetitive and unrewarding work, in a booth where you've got no one to talk to can be really depressing.

totally write a novel. it's so totally not going to send your brain up it's own ass and out the other side.

bonus points for finishing.

Meditation (the serious kind where you try to not think and just follow your breath) may help you.

Technician said:

Uh huh. I see.

Reminded me of Cybil Bennet.