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Biffy

Tgif

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He said....She said.....


10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?


9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.


8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.


7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'


6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."

Written just below it: "I do not."


5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."


4) Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband."

She said..."Who's gonna look?"


3) He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."


2) He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."

She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."


1) He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She said... "I would, but you're never there."




TWO YEAR DEGREE

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man.
That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts).
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)
(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise or Denzel Washington
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her




Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya' think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" My son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I'd married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ..." she gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay."I
know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.




Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a big, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars ... your neighbor from forty miles away .... Having a Christmas party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Sam, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna' be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n likely gonna' be some fightin', too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna' be the two of us."

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:)
The hamster joke reminded me of a 2am drive, not exactly sure I was sober, to a vet with her guinea pig, coz wife was worried it was dying, well it was actually, and decided to die at the vets after he injected it with a $30 shot, oh and $30 for his time, thank you

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He was very kind and offered to dispose of the body, damn that was an expensive night with no shag at the end of it, women don't half lose interest when they are grieving, she was the same when her mom died, was 3 days afore.... :)

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Wife musta' sent those, sorry I did not think about the anti-male bias, just thought they were funny. Anyone got a good woman-bashing joke?

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shit, here's some you shit to keep you people up at night and give you an excuse from going and trying to break your back to try and suck your own dick just for the taste of it. fuck... I need sleep BITCHIN!!!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Biffy said:

Wife musta' sent those, sorry I did not think about the anti-male bias, just thought they were funny.

They are not bad because of the bias, they're just bad. Sorry.

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Aw, jeez lament. way to spoil the fun :P They're just jokes, and not bad ones at that.. I know bad jokes :). These aren't them.

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LorD BaZTArD said:

Aw, jeez lament. way to spoil the fun :P They're just jokes, and not bad ones at that.. I know bad jokes :). These aren't them.

Please tell some! :)

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