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Tek

Criticize please!

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Hey,

I just started a new story about an hour ago, and would like your opinions on it. It isn't very active (or good) yet, though it will be, if I stay interested in it. I would not mind some constructive criticism. It's about how the invasion started, according to a UAC employee who was working on Phobos when the demons came through.

In The Beginning

Professor Harkin looked up from his microscope and adjusted his ponts-nez, stiffly jotting down notes in a leather binder he always carried with him. I never really liked him at all. He just seemed a bit condescending when he spoke with me. He also came from a wealthy family, so he felt he was entitled to the respect and admiration of his collegues. He was handsome, though; I concede that. He had piercing amber eyes that looked like they could bore into your soul, and rip out all your secrets. All the women enjoyed his presence and greeted him in the hallways. Like he was some kind of demi-god. I was deeply, hopelessly jealous of him, though I never would let anyone know it.
Harkin put his pen in his breast pocket and once again put his eye to the microscope. I didn’t know what he was looking at; I wasn’t interested either. I simply sat at my desk, organizing my folders and doing basically anything that looked like busywork. I had to work when Professor Harkin was around; he had eyes in the back of his head and would catch you in the act of being idle no matter where he was looking.
I stopped briefly to take a sip of my coffee—I hadn’t had anything to drink since the previous evening, and I was longing for my morning repast. Harkin looked up from the microscope to find me drinking my coffee. He looked at me with his amber eyes. A brief scowl played across his face and he once again resumed his work.
“Keep working, Daniel, we have a deadline to meet.” He said this without giving me the luxury of eye-contact. He kept his eye glued to the microscope. At least this time he remembered my name. Daniel. Daniel Ferguson. That bastard was always mentioning his damned deadlines. Deadline this. Deadline that. I was his assistant, for god’s sake. What did he want me to do?
I did, however, admit to myself at that point that the assignment the Union Aerospace Corporation had given us was very important indeed. Opening the Phobos gate was not something to be taken lightly, and three entire science divisions of the UAC’s six had been assigned to the martian moon to open it. The execs at the meetings had told us that opening the gate would be a huge step forward for mankind. They told us that we could reverse-engineer them and use them back on Earth, that the human race would be united and a utopian society would at last be formed. Of course, they were company executives, and even the stupidest of us knew that they were trumping up the effects at least a little.
The Phobos gate had been found when the UAC had established its first colonies on the small moon in 2079. The gate was obviously made by someone (or something) intelligent, and a UAC research base was established around it for observation and experimentation. Subsequently a gate was found on Deimos, the other martian moon, and yet another was found on Mars itself. Research bases were established around each gate. I was asssigned to the Phobos gate research base under Professor Harkin, unfortunately.

I finished off the last of my coffee and walked over to Harkin, who didn’t acknowledge my presence whether or not he knew I was there. I looked over his shoulder and asked, “What are you looking at?”
Harkin let out an exasperated sigh. “These are samples taken from the base of the Phobos gate.” He spoke to me like I was a child. “The material seems to be some sort of half-machine, half-organism. It’s most peculiar.”

*****

Please give me your opinions. It is an interesting premise that you would want to read about?

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Gee, you haven't been here in a damn long time, welcome back!

The Phobos gate had been found when the UAC had established its first colonies on the small moon in 2079. The gate was obviously made by someone (or something) intelligent, and a UAC research base was established around it for observation and experimentation. Subsequently a gate was found on Deimos, the other martian moon, and yet another was found on Mars itself. Research bases were established around each gate. I was asssigned to the Phobos gate research base under Professor Harkin, unfortunately.

Hm? The gates were built by the military only and not some "alien" structures already on the planet according to the Doom backstory, but writer's freedom is always interesting - the only problem I have with it really, is that it is more interesting that humans invented these gateways themselves - to me at least.

Anyway, it's a well-written story and an enjoyable read as always, BUT there are a few spelling mistakes (I saw at least one although I can't remember where I found it and what exactly it was).

[edit]Btw, what is your story called? "In the Beginning"? - I need it to have a title for the fanfic index[/edit]

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Good work as usual, Welcome back.

Personally, I think it works no-matter who built the gates, but making them Ancient artifacts just gives it a little more mystery.
Either way, Keep it up. I wanna read more of it.

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You want criticism? This sucks! It's utter shit!

No no no, just kidding, put the shotgun down. :P
The story's off to a good start, just keep it up.
BTW welcome back! :)

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Thanks for the warm welcome and the good feedback. I've been working diligently ever since I put what I had on the board, and should have something at least remotely resembling a story up soon.

BTW, please don't put this story up on the index. I don't really want this "beta" up there.

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Hm? The gates were built by the military only and not some "alien" structures already on the planet according to the Doom backstory, but writer's freedom is always interesting - the only problem I have with it really, is that it is more interesting that humans invented these gateways themselves - to me at least.


I thought the story said that the gates and teleporters were already on the Mars, Phobos and Deimos and the military started fucking with them...

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bigbadgangsta said:

I thought the story said that the gates and teleporters were already on the Mars, Phobos and Deimos and the military started fucking with them...

Well, it doesn't say it exactly, but

For the last four years the military, UAC's biggest supplier, has used the remote facilities on Phobos and Deimos to conduct various secret projects, including research on interdimensional space travel. So far they have been able to open gateways between Phobos and Deimos, throwing a few gadgets into one and watching them come out the other.

So I was wrong. The story didn't exactly say that they built their own gateways, but BBG was wrong too, as it doesn't say that the gates were there already. Ah never mind.

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I mean, if they were already located on the moons, then the story would've said that they were found.

In the current state, it says "research on interdimensional space travel". If they just found the gates, how would they know they were interdimensional? That part of the story suggests, imo, that the UAC had a plan for what to do (and build).

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Exactly, but at least the story allow people to interpret it the way they want :-)
I suggest that we end the discussion - there's no point in continuing it really.
Let's just conclude by saying that we can interpret the story as we see fit ok?

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DooMBoy said:

You want criticism? This sucks! It's utter shit!

I hope for your sake you know the academic definition of criticism, Dewmboy! :P

Tek, I liked it. Some really mature sentences and characterisation. Just a few syntax errors in some sentences, as in '...; I concede that'. It would be better to construct the sentence 'I must concede, though, he was handsome.' Or something like that. It's a difficult one, actually. Maybe scrap concede altogther, it's not really the right word.

Nitpicking. I like it. Wahay.

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