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Joanna must die a slow, slow death.

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Well, I remember reading a while back on Nintendorks about how great Perfect Dark was supposed to be. What with actually seeing reflections everywhere, realistic hit detection, and exemplary gameplay.

How is it? Boy, does it suck a big one. When I say that you have no idea just how big of one I mean. I mean a really, really big one. Anyone who likes Perfect Dark should be forcefully labotomized repeatedly until comatose.

First off, the graphics are traditional N64: blurry as hell and poorly textured. There are reflections in about 10% of the game, but you never see your own character's reflections. Even on the shiny marble floors when you look down you see nothing. Unreal definitely has it beat here, and it had it beat YEARS ago.

The control is retarded, and if anything this game completely deminishes what I expect from the genre. Dear God, a game of Redneck Rampage would be a sweet release right about now. The game itself feels like a TC of Goldeneye... and I don't give half a hell what any braindead N64-loving five year old says GOLDENEYE SUCKED.

The music, if there even is any, must suck quite badly because it's hidden well behind everything else.

So, how's everything else? The pistol has a laser sight quite reminiscent of Quake 3's shotgun, with the Half-Life RPG aiming dot. It's just a useless detail, albeit the only good one I've seen in the whole game. All of the player and weapon models look like tradtional cardboard art.

The sound effects are at best horribly generic. The rest of the guns sound quite literally like cartoon blaster guns. The damn machinegun sounds EXACTLY like the pistols from G.I. Joe, and I'm not joking. I really think they ripped the sample from the cartoon.

The hit detection is there, um, basically. The first guy I shot I hit in the shoulder. He grabbed the wound and fell. I was fairly impressed (wow, a fatal shoulder shot) with the animations. The next guy I shot in the throat. He grabbed his balls and fell on his face. I'm still traumatized by the scene. Everyone else just sorta fell over, with basic area grabbing and falling over. When I took a bullet this humongous lifebar that looked like I was playing Mario64 jumped up on the screen and went down about 2%. Oh boy, it's even realistic.

Oh yeah, if you can jump in the game it's not with any buttons on the controller. Z fires, R aims, A opens doors, B is the patented Nintendo-needs-more-buttons weapon menu selector, and everything else is for movement. Thank God the Gamecube controller looks decent!

The AI is revolutionary too. I saw a soldier roll sideways to avoid my bullets (damn, never seen that before). He ended up behind a wall and proceeded to empty THREE clips into it before I got sick of seeing yellow sparks from the other side, went around, and put a bullet into his ankle and killed him.

Well, there's not much more to say. If you really must buy a console game soon, I'd say go with Duke Nukem: Land Of The Babes. It's somewhat entertaining, even though it was originally intended as an expansion pack to Time To Kill and it shows.

Marvel VS. Cap 2 is decent too, but the Dreamcast controller is SO GODDAMN HORRIBLE it's practically unplayable. The dimwit who invented that controller needs a serious crowbar to the head. Yes, the pointy end.

So, I've heard people begging for golden pistols in Doom 3. Well I'll just say this.

The only good detail in Perfect Dark is the pistol's laser sight. Even the rest of the pistol sucks. The silencer is jilted upwards about 20 degrees and the whole mess has about 20 polygons to it. Just the laser sight is good.

Nothing else.

If some little kid comes in here and starts yammering on about how Doom 3 needs to learn from Perfect Dark, some of you guys are going to have to hold me back.

If not, I will duct tape the little rodent to the floor and shit on his forehead.

Thank you and good day.

This has been a public service announcement. Avoid Perfect Dark. If you must play it, make sure there are no razors or a noose nearby. Do not play in a room above ground level. Do not play if you are depressed or have been otherwise contemplating suicide. In fact, pay someone to beat the hell out of you every time you consider playing it.

You'll thank me.

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I don't know... I thought the woman who played Joanna in the live action commercial was attractive... not that it has much to do with the game... but... still...

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AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! don't talk about televison, PLEASE!

Reason: AT&T took my cable, DAMN!, it has been almost 2 months with out tv, AAAHHHHHHH!!!!, and none of you care, heh

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You could just stroll down to Radio Shack and buy a new cable.

:)

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U could have shorten ur article by saying:
Doom 3 has nothing to learn from Perfect Dark!
1)Glquake looks better than Perfect Dark!
Pefrect Dark should be compared in the best case with Glquake!
To compare it with Doom 3 is like to compare GAMEBOY with XBOX or even worse!

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Stphrz said:

You could just stroll down to Radio Shack and buy a new cable.

:)

i ment cable tv, and i have no money, my parents are cheap! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!, oh yeah, i stayed home from school today!!!!

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Heh, I know. Notice the little grin in my previous post? :)

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Yeah, it sucks.
I've never played it but according to how it looked on the commercial:
*Tbout 8 fps frame rate (biggie suck!)
*The chick in the commercial looked alot better than joanna
*The enemies sucked, they were your standard SWAT team style soldiers.

Nice AI, but my little sister is smarter than that and she's 5!
And locational damage? So an ankle wound is lethal nowadays huh? Must have been achilles you were fighting.

Now that's said. I don't understand this fucking golden pistols issue. Just because the damn thing is gold doesn't mean that it's going to do more damage, the damn thing might even explode under pressure because gold is malleable. Hmm, does that mean my golden rocketlauncher will cause nuclear explosions?

I wont sit on his face, ill get my trusty flamethrower and show him the true meaning of "flaming".

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