Depression at its...somethingest...

I don't know if this is a common topic in anyone else's diseased mind, but I'm kind of curious as to the actual psychological makeup of most of you. I ask mostly because I am, to be perfectly frank, so depressed at this point that poking myself in the testicles with a cattle prod almost sounds like a good idea. I guess it's a good thing that I'm also a shameless coward.

Clinically, I have cyclothymia (also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder), which is basically a toned-down version of bipolar disorder. The most notable change in me is that I require about 300% more sleep during the winter months than I do during the summer. What little motivation that is present in me from April to September is totally nonexistent from October to March. I can almost set my damned watch by it. If I had a watch, that is.

At this point, sleep evades me like a small woodland mammal. Or perhaps, like Brigadoon, it can only be found once every few years...ooOOoo... Whatever the reason, I sleep about as much as the average American voter thinks right now. Fight Club makes a lot more sense when you're running on four hours sleep for a week.

What really bugs me is that I'm 21 years old, and supposedly, I can take care of myself. But when I wake up in the morning and have the urge to sleep in, and then remember that I've had the same urge for the past eight weeks (eight weeks which I don't fully remember, probably because I did sleep in), I begin to wonder. What the hell is wrong with me? At what point did my mental state become the personal plaything of the seasons? Needless to say, this sort of thing really doesn't help school. Of course, it hasn't since FIRST FUCKING GRADE, so I really ought to be used to it by now.

When suicide is an option, it's only a theoretical one, since I'm such a gutless milksop. I don't even have the motivation to injure myself!

Being pathetic sucks. It's like the kind of low-income life that no amount of welfare can possibly improve. It feels like my life is a television program for emotional masochists.

Damn it.

DC

Oh man, cheer up dude. It is always easy to let life get you down.. but you're stronger than that.
Go look at some beautiful women... you will soon think life is good. ;)
Hey, did you hear they split up?
but to answer your question: I'm the lowest saddest most pathetic lifeless piece of waste-of-space trash that ever walked this earth.
I'd go on, but I'd rather you thought about something positive.
Go explain to your brother why your favorite band is so cool... or what makes DOOM the best game there is.
Did I hear who split up?
My ass cheeks.

Doom-Child said:
Being pathetic sucks. It's like the kind of low-income life that no amount of welfare can possibly improve. It feels like my life is a television program for emotional masochists.

Damn it.

Now that is something I can relate to. Well spoken.

Not totally dissimilar, though I am not affected by seasons. I prefer darkness over light.

I generally remember my mistakes but not my successes.

I am somehow unable to change my behaviour no matter how dysfunctional it is.


I am a pious self-loather and actively abhor all my weaknesses.

Little Faith said:
Not totally dissimilar, though I am not affected by seasons. I prefer darkness over light.

I generally remember my mistakes but not my successes.

I am somehow unable to change my behaviour no matter how dysfunctional it is.


I am a pious self-loather and actively abhor all my weaknesses.

Whoa... I don't mean to alarm you, but you sound like me...

Little Faith said:

Not totally dissimilar, though I am not affected by seasons. I prefer darkness over light.

I generally remember my mistakes but not my successes.

I am a pious self-loather and actively abhor all my weaknesses.

Ditt-freaking-o...

DC's post thingy

Well,I'd be lying if I said I dont know what your going through (except for the cyclothymia, I dunn have that (I think.)) But then again, I'd also be lying if I said I still feel that way 24/7... I used to always feel that way due to my pittiful childhood of torment. But hey, that past 11 years are behind me (or so I keep telling myself) and my views on things are starting to become less pesimistic and more to the optimists side of things, all due to one person. DEMOn:"Go look at some beautiful women... you will soon think life is good. ;)" Well, do more than that, meet them, get to know them better, for finding someone whom makes life worthwhile and worth living, is quite frankly, the best feeling that I I can recollect ever having. Sure the harsh reality that is life hasn't crashed down on my side of seeing things as bad as you state, yet, but thats cuz Im only 13, despite time isnt an issue, I still have time to make up of the past 11 years of mistake that I have liven, and start a new. I for one, am starting to look at things mroe brightly and Optimisticly because of a friend of mine (and yes, in case u must know (which you don't :P) it is a girl), she has had a more positive impact on my than Computers have, and more than they ever will, and hey, time Isnt a issue, I met her 3 months ago, and I feel more optimistic that I thought was ever possible for my dead-weight carcass to ever prosperize.

So, just give it some time...If there is a thing called 'Life' then, you should soon see what I'm bitching about.

Ct's sig states:
the reddest sea captain ever to troll the doomworld froums

hehehe You said Fro :P

i have depression, but in all rights i should be insane. I also have post tramatic stress syndrome(the shit soldiers tend to get from battle) the depression however may have been caused by a drug used to treat ADD, it is being found to have similar effects. Not only was that drug strongly addictive, i would go through withdraw sickness. after i was taken off of it all seemed fine for 4 years then one night it changed. while i was eating something felt odd, like exploding on the indside and worse than any physical pain, i collapsed on my deck. next thing i know i was wondering the city, in pure terror and despair. What really caused that was the PTSS and such episodes lasted about 2 weeks, ever day, untill i was given tranquilizers and a SSRI. At the same time i was found to have depression, evidence points strongly to the use of the ADD drug. many cases of similar mental illness has come from that drug.

The PTSS was not caused by it, but by my less than perfect life. with 2 attempted murders, abuse and drug addicted parents i think you would have it too. by the way the 2 attempted murders where on a woman 'hooker' my dad was dateing. This woman heavily abusive and mentaly unstable, as well as being an alcoholic. first attemtp was to slit her throat second was pushing her down the stairs.

I find i've been generally bitchier lately

...CAN'T POST...GOTTSA FINISH UP A PROJECT DURING MATH CLASS!!!!

i'm sorry, but these threads about how miserable your lives are really burn me sometimes. You all have no idea just how bad things can get for people and they are strong enough to keep going. You could be living in Kenya right now eating raw fish with a stick while flies lay eggs in your open sores, watching your loved one rot away in front of you from AIDS.

The only way you're going to get better is if you get off your ass and change your life. The first step is always the hardest, but if you refuse to move, resist the change, then you obviously enjoy the state you're in and deserve to be there. If you don't like the things happening in your life, just stop it. Very simple. JUST STOP. Those poor people in afghanistan and africa have no choice, and i hate seeing people who have choices bitch them away becuase of the weather, or ADD, or other bullshit. Just knock it off.

again i don't mean to make light of anyones issues, but in the big picture some problems can become so small they simply dissappear. Good luck to you Doom Child, and Sephiroth, and Doom Anomaly. Just remember, it can be a fuck of alot worse. 21 and 13 and whatever is way to young to even consider ending your existance on this planet. Life is so incredibly vast it's mind boggling, you've only had a small, small taste. Change. Spiral out. Keep going.

that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Depression? Look : With your eyes...

I had a fairly decent job as an Accident & Emergency receptionist at a Liverpool hospital. Things kinda went balls-up when i was sacked the week before christmas (18/12/01).
Now, i'd moved into this flat a couple of months before, and utilised a bank loan (£700) and my credit card to help kit out my new place. To keep everything safe, i paid for insurance on both of the above just in case i were to suddenly become unemployed.
So, i lose my job - the first thing i do is send back the insurance claim forms on both of the above. And guess what? As i was on a 'week-to-week' contract, they classed my job-loss as a 'termination of contract' rather than 'redundancy' and refused to put a hold on repayments. That's a total of £2000 to pay back, and i'm still not getting any further.
On top of this, the gas have been overcharging and are threatening to disconnect - while not checking out the actual meter for a fault. Another £310 quid there.
Direct debits for the TV license (yes, we have to PAY for our paltry 5 terrestrial channels over here) and ISP bounced, and i'm lumbered with a £30 charge for each of these - not to mention the £70 i already owe my ISP because they spent so bloody long processing my application.
Throw all this on top of the usual weekly stuff - electricity, phone bill, water rates, food, etc, and it works out at something like -£30 per week.
We're still waiting for Jay's medical records to come through so we can apply for a Care Allowance, and every extra week of waiting puts us further in debt. I can't generate any interest in my artwork, so earning from my artistic labours is a big no-no, too.

In short, unless something incredible happens in the next 6 months, we're fucked.

gosh Spike that fucking blows. hope something works out for you and your family. Money really is the root of all evil.

Spike said:

In short, unless something incredible happens in the next 6 months, we're ______.

And yet here you are, bringing children into your lives so they can suffer and endure your somewhat pathetic life, totally uninfluenced by the fact that maybe, MAYBE they're not too happy about being pulled out of a nice warm sack of fluid and forced to face the crumbled cookies of life that you yourself so outspokenly detest.

AndrewB said:

*cut*

Ouch..

AndrewB said:

And yet here you are, bringing children into your lives so they can suffer and endure your somewhat pathetic life

a)Raven was born nearly 2 years ago - long before the trouble began.

totally uninfluenced by the fact that maybe, MAYBE they're not too happy about being pulled out of a nice warm sack of fluid and forced to face the crumbled cookies of life that you yourself so outspokenly detest.

b)At no point did i say that i 'detest' life. Yes, i described the occasionally overbearing problems that it presents - but hate life in general?
I love life. I love being creative, i love learning, i love socialising, and i love my wife and daughter. Regardless of how much money we have, we put our daughter above all else - at the moment, she doesn't want for anything.
p.s; What did you expect Jay to do, carry Raven around in her womb until the 'all-clear' is sounded?
Grow up.

Cheer up all you depressing bastards.

Being a depressing bastard is the only way I can ever say anything even remotely funny.

Oh yeah, Use3d: I've been to places and seen those people. Children walking around with Coke can full of gas attached to their lips is certainly not the greatest of sights. Cigarette burns on a five-month old where its crack parents tried to shut it up is even worse.

In short, yes, I know there are worse things to be or feel. That does absolutely nothing to make me feel better about myself. In fact, it makes me feel worse because I know those people are suffering and I can't go back to help them (money issues of my own, doncha know).

Basically, you haven't said anything I didn't already know. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

DC

REAL people hate me.

Edit: I didn't say everyone tho, just those bastards in school.

Oh boy. I think it is quite common for people to go through a few years (typically late teens/early 20s) when they are prone to depression for no particular reason. There might be nothing wrong with their lives, they might be quite successful in many ways, but still they think they are worthless, and there is no point in anything. I experienced some of this, and looking back don't really understand why. I realize that all those thoughts were just nonsense.

How to get through these dark periods? Good question. Try talking to people about it (they won't think less of you for opening up), and try to avoid spending massive amounts of time on your own contemplating things. If all else fails, remember that suicide is not something you have to rush into; give it another day, week, month, and see what happens (maybe view life as a farce to be laughed about, rather than letting everything that goes wrong get to you). And if THAT fails, remember that there isn't any foolproof way of ending it all - things can go wrong, and it is messy, painful, and will grossly upset people you still care about.

Grazza said:

If all else fails, remember that suicide is not something you have to rush into; give it another day, week, month, and see what happens

Finally some sensible suicide advice. None of that conformist "suicide is not an option" garbage.

Use3D said:

gosh Spike that fucking blows. hope something works out for you and your family. Money really is the root of all evil.

Hey i agree with you but on behalf of them, it's easy to rationalize away our problems becasue they ARE minor in comparison to everyone else but we can tell ourselves that and it's true, however sometimes just because they're are problems, not matter how small, psychologically they are BIG, i'm not saying it's excusable but we have to work at it, BTW your eye-opening look at 3rd world countries has made me gleefully happy today.

Dont do drugs, im serious. Im talking about perscription shit, and thats what it is SHIT.

AndrewB said:

Finally some sensible suicide advice. None of that conformist "suicide is not an option" garbage.

easy to say when you live without consequences.

I would not really say I'm depressed exactly... But I am pretty pathetic.

AndrewB said:

Finally some sensible suicide advice. None of that conformist "suicide is not an option" garbage.

But it shouldn't be considered an option and we can't go telling our children "if you think life sucks, fucking kill yourself" because then we end up with millions of dead kids just going through puberty.

ravage said:

REAL people hate me.

....just those bastards in school.

Same here :( I wish everyone would appreciate me more often and knew I existed.

bigbadgangsta said:

But it shouldn't be considered an option and we can't go telling our children "if you think life sucks, _______ kill yourself" because then we end up with millions of dead kids just going through puberty.

After seeing recent TV documentaries on bullying and how miserable bullies' lives are, I'd say problem solved.

Lizardcommando said:

Same here :( I wish everyone would appreciate me more often and knew I existed.

Well, i dont mean to be a Total Pessimist here, but, its quite beyond the limitations of possible for everyone to appreciate you or know you exist, also, its the fact that you probably dont really want everyone to appreciate you or know you exist, just mainly the people that you want to, or care about. (if that isnt everyone that is.)

But hey, Life is Good ^_^

Hmm, never thought about it that way.... Yah. I just want the people I care about to appreciate me and know I exist.

DOOM Anomaly said:

...But hey, Life is Good ^_^

It is? Tell me, do you like getting jumped for no reason and being hospitalized because of it? Mind you, this is school related too.

Edit: and this was last year tho. Still I got people pissing me off.

Edit2: Sorry, I just need to let off some steam before I went beserk here. I was being followed by these gothy guys my friend thought wanted my ass grass. Then again, my friend is pretty messed up too.

ravage said:

It is? Tell me, do you like getting jumped for no reason and being hospitalized because of it? Mind you, this is school related too.

Edit: and this was last year tho. Still I got people pissing me off.

Edit2: Sorry, I just need to let off some steam before I went beserk here. I was being followed by these gothy guys my friend thought wanted my ass grass. Then again, my friend is pretty messed up too.

Well, I get that stuff too, but it doesnt bother me, to me Life is Good :D All thanks to one person :D