How to stop taking defeats personally and start enjoying competitive games?

Nothing you can do. You are a man. Being pissed off for losing is natural. Only way to not be pissed off is to not take it seriously. Honestly? Its a game. You have a lot more important stuff to do, and that attitude will keep you calm cause you know you are good in something way more important.

On 4/11/2018 at 12:00 AM, Pure Hellspawn said:

Being competitive is a personality trait.

Don't know about that to be honest. On one hand, some people definitely try to make a competition out of anything and everything. On the other hand, while I wouldn't consider myself a competitive fella (and I'm usually really chill IRL), I do notice the tendency of getting tilted and riled up much faster during a flush and berating my teammates in the chat during respawn as a result (generally if they're nowhere in sight at all times or if there's zero team synergy and everyone's getting dunked on as a result). But yeah, I'd say it can be something attained and not inherent.

On 4/11/2018 at 3:37 AM, Bucket said:

Intentionally give yourself a handicap, then you have something to blame. Revel in knowing that people will never know your true strength.

Also, never play on Normal difficulty. I use Easy when I want the story, and Hard when I want a challenge.

Spoken as a true loser. I bet you told yourself something similar when people told you BucketDM is complete garbage.

"I didn't try making those maps, they will never know my true mapping capability!"

After experiencing a meltdown a few days ago (see my previous post) I began reading "The Mental Game of Poker", recommended by a friend. I don't know anything about poker, however that's not important as the book is about game psychology in general. And it seems quite good so far. The author is very honest in that he doesn't promise you'll become a wise sage who is free from any emotions. Instead he talks about boosting confidence by working on your weaknesses, learning to analyze your self-destructive behavior caused by losing, and things like that. It has some annoying marketing bullshit like inserts from happy customers right in the middle of the text, but overall I feel like it's helping me.

Losing a close match is fine. Even when it's a loss with a relatively weaker opponent, you don't get too angry, because you either feel elated from a good game, or you turn analytical and agonize over the moments that could've turned the score around.

Losing by a mile to a strong opponent is also fine. You got outclassed and you can either start learning from them, or just brush it off entirely and find a more relatable partner.

But losing, like, 50-30 when you think you're giving it your "best" and feel you should be doing better... oh, that smarts. You can feel the match drifting away from you, suddenly your mouse sens seems off, server feels slightly unresponsive, even the fucking chair is weirdly uncomfortable. And then instead of ggs you just blow up. It's a dick move, but it's kinda human. Most competitive players had foul mood moments like that, but the trick is to return to the salt mines on the next day and grind until it gets better. Don't rub it in too much when others have such lapses, because it's going to bite you on the ass later. Only shun those who can't seem to stop this behaviour. Being pissed off by losing is actually good for motivation, you know.

1 hour ago, Memfis said:

After experiencing a meltdown a few days ago (see my previous post) I began reading "The Mental Game of Poker", recommended by a friend. I don't know anything about poker, however that's not important as the book is about game psychology in general. And it seems quite good so far. The author is very honest in that he doesn't promise you'll become a wise sage who is free from any emotions. Instead he talks about boosting confidence by working on your weaknesses, learning to analyze your self-destructive behavior caused by losing, and things like that. It has some annoying marketing bullshit like inserts from happy customers right in the middle of the text, but overall I feel like it's helping me.

That meltdown was a shame, but I think you were on the right page, which others reiterated, when you said that you didnt feel so bad losing against somebody that essentially you like. If that's the case memfis, maybe you should try being more friendly during/in-between matches; if the other person reciprocates your friendliness, you may find yourself not caring one way or the other about winning, as you're having more fun just basically hanging out with this person, even if they were a stranger or mostly so beforehand.

And if you think about it, this is the same thing that attracts many newcomers to our own mp/dm scene, myself included, and what I and many others have been saying we need to continue to do in the mp community in order to not go extinct: we need to be friendly and likeable to newcomers, at least within reason. As an example, not many people can get pissed at Doomkid for kicking their ass repeatedly because he's just such a cool dude and encouraging, rather than conceited and cocky. 

Even the majority of the 'A3 goons' are great for our multiplayer communities, let alone the awesome maps and projects they make; while it's their prerogative to not cater to annoying chodes or children, they are very welcoming to newcomers that are mature in their attitude and just there to have a good time. Some of my favorite matches have been against them and they've been nothing but encouraging to me as I progressed.

I'm happy to say that I've only met a handful of folks in our mp community that are currently toxic, or still act that way if they have a previous record, so it's definitely getting to be a more welcoming place for people to get into.

But the key is definitely to like the people you play against, or at least to have one friendly face around so you don't feel alone in a group.

5 hours ago, Decay said:

Spoken as a true loser. I bet you told yourself something similar when people told you BucketDM is complete garbage.

You already know my response since the only "people" I ever see saying that is you.

Since I already did my errands for today I had some time to flip through my post history and uncover the origin of this unhealthy obsession you have with me. Your account was only weeks old when this vendetta started - mentioning things that were before your time. The evidence points to ban evasion. I'll wager there was some political thread previously, where my unassailable arguments so deeply offended you that you flew into a spittle-flecked rage and committed Suicide By Banhammer. Alternatively: you were lurking these forums for years hence, seething in hatred at those same comments but impotent to do anything about them.

To keep this post on topic: I think we can all learn something from the example Decay has set on the absolute worst way to deal with utter defeat.

6 hours ago, Memfis said:

After experiencing a meltdown a few days ago (see my previous post) I began reading "The Mental Game of Poker", recommended by a friend. I don't know anything about poker, however that's not important as the book is about game psychology in general. And it seems quite good so far. The author is very honest in that he doesn't promise you'll become a wise sage who is free from any emotions. Instead he talks about boosting confidence by working on your weaknesses, learning to analyze your self-destructive behavior caused by losing, and things like that. It has some annoying marketing bullshit like inserts from happy customers right in the middle of the text, but overall I feel like it's helping me.

Whatever the source of your anger, it's good that you're being introspective about it, instead of just rolling with or - even worse - thinking it's justified somehow.

7 hours ago, Bucket said:

The evidence points to ban evasion. I'll wager there was some political thread previously, where my unassailable arguments so deeply offended you that you flew into a spittle-flecked rage and committed Suicide By Banhammer.

Please stop servicing yourself in public, there are children here man - Show some restraint!

BucketDM is ass, but this whole tangent is a derail and getting away from the point of the OP a bit.

next thread - "how to avoid getting angry on the internets and start being a normal human bean"

Even in defeat, you learn something or your skill improves. Its just difficult to be personally insulted by playing a game. There are so many other things in real life I can be personally insulted by. On a date and a man literally comes up to flirt with my date... personally insulted. At work, someone tries to undermine me... personally insulted. A business partner on a side job sells out the project and keeps the money... personally insulted no matter how much I'm told "its just business."

To be angered by something so frivolous as losing a competitive game is silly. There will be infinite other games. Here's something amazing... last night my scientist friend and I were defeated by the bimbo of our group playing Trivial Pursuit. It was amazing just how badly she destroyed us. Then proceeded to gloat about it, yet I'm not personally insulted. It sure did get quiet in the room.

The only competitive multiplayer I play is TF2. When I get saddled with a bad team or a team of complainers, its really just my chance to shine. You expect to lose... and then your competition becomes your own team. I started to notice oh I don't get many points so I started playing as classes that could get me points. I get higher on the leaderboard and even in loss, I'm a winner, because I'm the best player on my team. I spot situations where I can be used since TF2 is like Rock Paper Scissors.

There's a Doom 2016 Xbox FFA tournament I'm involved in today, I'll be using the advice and knowledge posted here to try and keep my cool.

Although the participants are from all over the globe, so bullshit will ensue.

On 4/10/2018 at 6:41 PM, Woolie Wool said:

For me getting my ass destroyed again and again by people who've been playing the game for years is just depressing, and while I'm able to suck it up for a while, I gave up on MechWarrior Online after 50 matches or so because it just became an utterly joyless, miserable experience to barely cling to a 0.25 K/D ratio and other players seemed to instinctively sense my weakness and single me out in a group with other players.

 

Fuck that, and fuck the whole competitive mindset in general. I remember when I first heard of "esports" around 15 years ago, my immediate reaction was "who would ruin a perfectly good video game by making a sport out of it?". Still feel that way.

it's only joyless because instead of "hey maybe i should work on why im being singled out" you're like "wow this is stupid, e-sports are lame".  if you instead actually learned the mechanics of the game and tried to incorporate them into your gameplay you'd have a lot more fun.  with 50 matches you haven't even learned how to play yet.  mechwarrior online's gameplay is pretty good and well-tuned to the point where gameplay mechanics are more important than the vast majority of variables in that game.  i can make a new account on it and do just as well with trial mechs as with my self-made builds on various chassis.

to complain about this is self-defeating because the problem isn't the game or the other players or "competitive mindset", it's you, and you don't admit it.  you're not getting depressed because you're losing, you're getting depressed because you think you should be winning and you're not.  you still have an ego and you need to accept that first and foremost, and then you need to shove your ego because you don't deserve to have one with so little time played.  this goes for basically any game you ever play online in which you play versus other humans. for some people it may take only a few hundred hours to become proficient at a specific game.  others, it might take alot longer.  we as people get mini epiphanies on our mistakes and how to improve our own gameplay, so these little jumps in skill are just sort of sporadic and vary wildly from person to person.  some people are just more naturally suited to certain games where they learn them more quickly.  whatever the case though, the skill level you want is within your reach, it just may take longer depending on what kind of person you are.

but the first step for any game that you play against other people is to beat it into your head:  you do not deserve to win a game.  ever.  you've never deserved any of your wins, you don't deserve any win you get right now, and for the entirety of your life you will never deserve a win.  understanding this on a personal level will mean defeats stop dealing so much pain to you.  your defeat causing anger or depression is merely a fight against your own ego.

On 4/6/2018 at 4:03 PM, Memfis said:

I have a problem with competitive games. They are only fun when I win. If I lose, I start acting in a very childish manner: I take it very personally, like if the opponent is now a better person than me, and I feel pissed and humiliated. Perhaps this is related to my low self-esteem. Maybe I lack confidence so much that I need to "prove myself" by winning in some game, which seems stupid. But even though I realize that it's stupid the problem still exists and it prevents me from simply playing and having a good time. The only exception is playing with people I really like. Recently I lost in deathmatch to Evolution but I didn't have a problem with that, in fact the game was highly satisfying. I respect the guy, I'm not going to start swearing at him. But when the other player is a stranger... Cover your ears kids!

 

Uh, so... Anything I can do?

Time for some tough questions to ask yourself:

What if, say, you got struck by lightning, and from that point on, you beat everyone you played. What would that do for your self-esteem? Stated differently, why are you playing? Is it to have fun, or is it to try to boost your ego? Or the more sinister reason: To keep you down...to give you an excuse as to why other things in life aren't going the way you like?

Please, no need to answer publicly. If you can ask yourself these questions, and answer yourself honestly, you may gain a better understanding. Unfortunately, there are usually no simple tricks in life. Usually, you have to do all the faith and self-improvement stuff upfront, and, maybe, just maybe, in the end, your outlook improves.

It's kinda like waiting to "feel like doing something", vs. doing it, and feeling good about it after the fact. For example, doing yardwork. Most people do not ever feel like cutting the grass, so waiting until you feel like it never works. But, if you go out and cut the grass anyway, you just might feel good about getting it done...after the fact.

How does that apply? The online game stuff probably isn't the issue. You said it yourself: You feel the need to "prove yourself" to someone you've never met, or seen, and probably never will. Why it's not fun for you is that you're using it to feel better about yourself.

To improve, you're going to have to learn how to feel good about yourself, period. Then, the outcome of the game doesn't matter. In fact, you'll notice *A LOT* of things changing for the better. Every time you feel humiliated, your brain hears that, and believes it, and that shapes the way you view *everything*.

Some advice: Seek out things in your life that are positive. As cheesy as that may sound, it can have powerful results. Take an inventory of what you bring to the table. As a quick example, you done tons of things in the Doom community that has touched and improved many peoples' lives. That stuff matters. Stick with the stuff you know you're good at, and recognize how good you are at it. Be proud of what you've accomplished, and continue to be proud of continuing to do so.

That game doesn't mean shit. The fact that someone beat you suggests that that person spent his/her time playing Deathmatch, while you were actually creating things that have a lasting improvement on Earth. Give yourself a break. Every game loss is your affirmation that you were too busy with better things! Seriously.

Next time you play, laugh at how pissed you got, and then go make a map :) In other words, "pay" for playing by building something, turning it into a net positive. Good luck.