Wise / Witty sayings

"I've never been much of a mobile gamer, but, forget everything you think you know about mobile games because Raid Shadow Legends is one of the most ambitious RPG projects of 2019 has just been released and will change everything. Just look at the level of detail of these characters! If you use the code in the description you can start with 50,000 silver and join the Special Launch Tournament, and you better hurry because it's getting big fast! You can play for totally free with the link below on your smartphone." - Drift0r, in every video of his

On 5/20/2020 at 7:43 AM, Dark Pulse said:

I got a whole bunch of them. Thanks me, circa 15 years ago, for the stuff I used on my personal website after stealing it from god-knows-where!

 

Spoilered because there's seriously over a hundred of these things.

 

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"Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right."
"RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!"
"Documentation, the worst part of programming."
"A feature is a bug with seniority."
"I haven't lost my mind! It's backed up on tape somewhere!"
"I call things as I see them, if I didn't see them, I make them up!"
"This tagline is SHAREWARE! To register, send me $10."
"I had amnesia once - maybe twice."

"Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked."
"If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"
"If Wal-Mart is lowering prices everyday, why isn't anything free yet?"
"They call it PMS because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
"Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no."

"Remember: First you pillage then you burn."
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
"Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I intend to live forever - so far so good."
"My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow."
"Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?"

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
"Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?"
"Police Station toilet stolen - cops have nothing to go on."
"Schizophrenia beats being alone."
"Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh."

"Strip mining prevents forest fires."
"I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem."
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
"How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
"Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an asshole."
"Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years."
"Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home."

"Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?"
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize."
"Death to all fanatics!"
"Chastity is curable, if detected early."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
"For sale - parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain."
"The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
"I love cats; they taste just like chicken."
"Take my advice; I don't use it anyway."
"I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO."
"A procrastinator's work is never done."

"If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared."

"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."
"I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few."
"111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321"
"Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!"
"Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before."

"100,000 sperm reached the egg, and you were the fastest?"

"Now gentler with a hint of musk!"
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"
"Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?"

"I'm not only weird. I'm gifted too."
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
"You are depriving some village of its idiot."
"Smile... Tomorrow will be worse."
"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce."

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"(c) 2005 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax."

"668 - Neighbor of the Beast."
"C:/ not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)"
"Confucius say:  Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long."

"Incest, n.:  A game the whole family can play."
"Al-Qaeda Bingo: B-52... F-16... A-10.. F-18... F-117... B-2"
"Jesus Saves... and Gretzky gets the rebound!  He shoots!  He scores!"
"Support wild life.  Vote for an orgy!"

"OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!"
"Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else."

"Born Free... Taxed to Death."
"Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem!"
"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative."

"I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check."
"Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides."
"I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me."
"It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran 7 times."
"Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
"My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch."
"Nope... you're still ugly!"
"Nostalgia ain't what it used to be."

"On the cellphone of life, always keep one finger on the hang up key."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before."
"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject."
"There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives."

"You may be recognized soon. Hide."
"Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory."
"You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry."

 

Read some of those yesterday, but now I've read them all.

Read them in John Astin voice too, made me roll on the floor even harder  . Totally worth it.

"Politics  is the art  of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies". -Groucho Marx.

Far wiser and more useful than anything Karl Marx ever wrote or said.

22 hours ago, Mr. Freeze said:

"I've never been much of a mobile gamer, but, forget everything you think you know about mobile games because Raid Shadow Legends is one of the most ambitious RPG projects of 2019 has just been released and will change everything. Just look at the level of detail of these characters! If you use the code in the description you can start with 50,000 silver and join the Special Launch Tournament, and you better hurry because it's getting big fast! You can play for totally free with the link below on your smartphone." - Drift0r, in every video of his

You could replace “Drift0r” with “90% of the channels on the god damn site” at this point!

Another quote to live by is <insert spiel about how amazing Proton VPN or Nord VPN is here>

"Nothing is ever certain, except uncertainty."

"Nothing lasts forever, except vanity."

"Nothing stays, except changes."

6 hours ago, Doomkid said:

You could replace “Drift0r” with “90% of the channels on the god damn site” at this point!

 

Another quote to live by is <insert spiel about how amazing Proton VPN or Nord VPN is here>

Don't forget Ridge Wallet.

John Romero is about to make you his bitch.