PHOBOS INVASION

Phobos: Day 1 - Containment failure + 2 hours

The alarms blared as the Marines rushed to the armoury. "What's going on?" asked Jones as he pulled his helmet on and hooked up the oxygen tubes. The responses from the other men varied from "I don't know" to "All I wanna do is kill somethin'" from his friend Fielding.

Immediately after getting kitted out, the assault teams ran down to the hangar, and boarded drop ships separated by colour - Red, Tan, Blue, and the one Jones and Fielding were on - Green. Once clipped securely in their standing position, the low rumble of the drop ship’s engines indicated that they were leaving the relative safety of Mars for the unknown, potentially dangerous situation on Phobos; no one knew what to expect.

Suddenly, Captain Hunter broke the grim silence. "First things first. THIS IS NOT AN EXERCISE!" he barked, and glanced around the interior. "We are to rendezvous with the other assault teams at the Computer Lab. Until then, kill anything that ain't got a helmet!" Abruptly, the captain was interrupted by the drop ship’s pilot.

"We've got an unidentified flying object on the radar, sir" the pilot said in a matter-of-fact voice as he eased forward on the control stick, sending the ship into a gentle dive. "It should be in visual scanning in three... two... one..." commented the Pilot "What are we looking for?" the captain asked. His question didn't need answering as what seemed to be a giant tomato with a menacing grin appeared directly in front of them. It was about two meters in width, and opened its mouth, belching a blast of ball lightning. "Sir, we've lost all electronics!" the pilot said, panicking. Unable to slow their descent, the drop ship smashed into the side of a building. The captain was thrown through the windscreen, dying instantly.

Fortunately for the Marines, the excellent design of the drop ship meant that it remained relatively intact and they were all safe, except for Anderson, who was knocked unconscious. They released themselves, and Jones cocked his shotgun. "LET'S GO MARINES!" he screamed and the rest cheered, and he led them in a charge out of their totalled transport.

Very nice start (I assume there will be more?). Hope so at least.

A bit on the short side, but pretty well-written.

If I may offer some suggestions, describing things in slightly greater detail would do wonders I think. Try and imagine the scene, imagine how people feel and react to the situation. Describe people's emotion, for instance:

Suddenly, Captain Hunter broke the grim silence. "First things first. THIS IS NOT AN EXERCISE!" he barked, and glanced around the interior. "We are to rendezvous with the other assault teams at the Computer Lab. Until then, kill anything that ain't got a helmet!"

It's not a requirement, but it would add an in-depth feel and better draw the reader into the story if you had "added some emotion" to Captain Hunter, e.g. something like this:
- Captain Hunter's rough voice broke the grim silence, his voice tense but cool. "First things first[...]ain't got a helmet!" -

Stuff like that. Just for the record, I'm not trying to bash your work. It shows promise and had me interested enough to post suggestions. I'm merely trying to support you and possibly help you to become better (if you're interested of course).

[edit]Another suggestion to make things easier for the reader to digest: When you depict someone shouting, instead of writing in all caps, put on an italics tag instead - it shows the same thing (that the character is shouting very loudly), but it's less bothersome to read.

Keep it up.[/edit]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll post the next chapter (when I finish writing it!) :D

continue it. I love it. great setup. and at least he's not flynn taggert lol. and I liked the description of the caco demon.

Mr. T said:

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll post the next chapter (when I finish writing it!) :D

I'd appreciate it if you made the next chapter a bit longer, thanks :-)

Chapter Two - Containment failure + 3 hours

Anderson slowly stirred. He felt a throbbing pain in his head, and sat up. The assault team was long gone; the only remnants appeared to be the captain’s mutilated corpse that lay about a metre and a bit from the door of the drop ship. Anderson limped through the orifice created by the drop ship's impact, and surveyed the area.

It was a long corridor, blocked at one end by debris. Anderson turned his head to the right and found what was left of a silver door; it had been blown away earlier by the marines. The room after it was fairly large, with a window on the right side and a stairway on the left. Directly in front of Anderson was a filthy looking Marine, who Anderson recognized as Fielding, a man he trained with. He was shaking uncontrollably. "Soldier!" Anderson called in a slightly worried voice.

The marine turned around, revealing a large gash in his chest and pale white skin. His eyes were blood red, armour torn in many places. "They're everywhere! Help me, plea..." he paused on that word and starting screaming. He lunged at the surprised Anderson, who replied with a swift kick to the ribs and a punch to the face. Fielding's face began to bubble away in the area that it was punched, and he fell to the ground, making a grotesque gurgling noise.

Suddenly, gunfire from the next area echoed down into the room, and Anderson began to run to its source...

dsm said:

I'd appreciate it if you made the next chapter a bit longer, thanks :-)

Mr. T said:

p0wnz3d, b33y0tch (3 short paragraph chapter)

I thought he was been sarcastic :\

Mr. T said:

I thought he was been sarcastic :\

I'm never sarcastic when commenting on fan fics - using sarcasm is too risky in this 'job' because people misinterpret sarcasm.

A good fan fic part is usually about one A4 page of text. The thing that annoys me about short fan fic posts is that they are too short to seem like anything else than spam and shows lack of effort on the author's part.

I don't wanna act like a tyrant though, but as I said, I would greatly appreciate if you wrote some longer chapters each time you post so that it doesn't come off as spam.

I think I'll do people a favour and merge some posts.