Doomguy makes a guest shot on The Tonight Show

THE DOOMGUY MAKES A GUEST SHOT ON THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO: BY CRENDOWING


(The break from the commercial is over. As usual, the painting with The Tonight Show logo on it fades in. It eventually fades out and zooms into Jay Leno at his desk. He takes a short look around and then into the camera. He speaks.)

Leno: Alright folks, my first guest for this evening, who is on his way right now, deserves great honor above all things. This man has literally been to Hell and back. He helped rid the earth of monstrous demons from the inner depths of Hell itself and made the world safe for the human race. Ladies and gentlemen, THE DOOMGUY!!!!!!!!!

(Kevin Eubanks and his band start playing the usual guest entrance music. As the Doomguy walks out onto the set, the audience cheers almost ecstatically. He looks back at the audience with the meanest expression anyone has ever seen. Leno approaches him and makes the usual friendly gesture of waiting for a handshake, but Doomguy holds up his shotgun in response. Leno backs away, holding his hands up innocently and half-smiling to himself while looking back at the audience. Both of them go back to the chairs/desk area and sit down. Doomguy still has the stern look on his face while Leno relaxes. The conversation begins, though Doomguy looks straight ahead the whole time.)

Leno: So, Mr. "Doomguy", how was your trip getting here?

Doomguy: Miserable.

Leno: Hey, I don't blame you. Getting around in LA can be tough; hookers, gangs, paparazzi....

(Audience laughs a little)

Doomguy: Yes, it was tough.

Leno: Well, the first question I really want to ask is, why you?

Doomguy: What do you mean?

Leno: I mean, of all the heroic space marines on the planet, how come you were the one to take control of the situation and annihilate all the demonic beings from beyond?

Doomguy: Let's get one thing straight, Leno. This "mission" of mine wasn't a choice, nor was I chosen to do it. Just call it blind luck that I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time when all Hell broke loose.

Leno: Oh, I see. Do you think you could go into a little bit more detail on that?

Doomguy: What is this? A guest shot on a late-night talk show or an interrogation?

(Audience is a little shocked at this)

Leno: Hey, you're the guest, so whatever floats your boat.....

Doomguy: No, I'll tell you. I had been stationed here on earth for a couple of years, and on one of my last assignments, I knocked the living *CENSORED* out of my CO for firing upon a small group of civilians.

Leno: You might want to watch it on the profanity there. Anyway, about slugging your CO, heh, I know I do that to my lawyers all the time!

(Audience laughs and cheers simultaneously)

Doomguy: Getting back on track, the next step for me was supposed to be a court-martial. As luck would have it, I instead got shipped to Mars. My post was at a now demolished UAC facility. My days consisted mainly of sucking dust and watching restricted flicks in the rec room.

(Male audience members cheer)

Leno (smiling): Well, guess if you can't have the real thing on earth, you might as well settle for the next closest thing on Mars!

Doomguy: Watch it, Leno.

(Leno looks a little scared now)

Doomguy: You want me to continue my life story or not?

Leno: Um, sure, go ahead.

Doomguy: Ok. The UAC was working on some top-secret dimensional gate experiments. After awhile they became unstable. Some guys went totally crazy and even died in the most unpleasant way.

Leno: How unpleasant? Or do I really want to know?

Doomguy: Think about how a bug splats across the floor when you step on it.

(Now Leno looks like he's about to lose his lunch. The audience jeers at this comment.)

Leno: Oh my god........

Doomguy: Hold on, the worst is yet to come. Then one fateful day we got a distress signal coming from the UAC lab on Phobos. It said something about how there were things friggin' evil coming out of the gates. My team was sent up to Phobos in the hopes that we might control the situation. I was ordered to secure the perimeter. For hours I heard the sounds of combat; guns firing, men issuing orders, death moans, bones cracking, and finally silence. I was all alone, stranded on that moon base.

Leno: Eeek, this sounds too much like a horror movie.

Doomguy: Believe me, it's much worse.

Leno: About the "sounds of combat" you heard, I'll bet any WWII vet would know how you feel right now.

Doomguy: I doubt it. Has any WWII vet you know ever had friends suffer a fate worse than death? Have they ever seen horrid machinations from beyond this universe mauling and slaughtering every human they see out of cold-blood? Well, if you do, I'd like to meet him, and I'll pump a rocket down his gullet if I do!

(Everybody is stunned by that comment.)

Doomguy: Continuing on...to put my whole escape in a nutshell, I penetrated the base, fought my way to Hell itself, kicked the Spiderdemon's cybernetic butt, and made my way back to Earth. As you all know, of course, the demons managed to take control of the planet.

Leno: No kidding. So, what about you're perils while battling the hordes of Hell on earth?

Doomguy: Buddy, that's a whole 'nother story.

Leno: Why not share it with us?

Doomguy: Gladly. That gate I found after I sent the Spiderdemon to Heaven (bad joke) led me straight to Earth. I found myself in the middle of an open field. The place looked vaguely familiar. I had taken a few steps and, sure enough, I recognized the area. Interstate 35 lay ahead of me. I was just south of the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex. However, 2 things weren't right; the weather was ungodly hot for that region of Texas, and no cars were on the highway anywhere in sight! That section of the I-35 corridor between San Antonio and Dallas is usually bustling with activity, but it wasn't on that day.

Leno: It's within the vicinity of a major urban area, so I would think so too.

Doomguy: I made my way closer to Dallas, which took forever considering that I had no wheels, and as it appeared on the horizon, this faint orange glow emanated from the city. I feared the worst had happened. My worst nightmare came true; my own hometown was on fire as far as the eye could see!

(A tear starts to develop in Doomguy's eye)

Leno: Is that a tear I see?

Doomguy: Everybody has feelings, I hope you know.

Leno: I'm sorry.

Doomguy: I'll put aside the emotions for now. Anyway, that did it; I was back in berserker mode. Just like before, I was armed only with a pistol. One of the after-effects of the portal gates is that you lose all nonliving items over 8 pounds when you get to the other side. So, I lost my armor too. Believe, a marine without armor and a powerful weapon is the most useless person in the world.

Leno: Don't call yourself that!

Doomguy: Oh yeah? YOU try being a marine! You'll see what I mean!

(Audience is shocked again)

Leno: I didn't mean to offend you.

Doomguy: No offense taken.....Once again, I kicked total demon ass, but this time I had some new playmates. These guys were much harder to face than the old enemies, which had all reappeared in this case. But the worst of all these creatures would be the Icon of Sin, the true mastermind behind this invasion.

Leno: Icon of Sin?

Doomguy: Have you ever seen it? No, of course you haven't. While I was on Earth risking my life every nanosecond of every day, the rest of you humans were sitting in escape ships being pampered by other marines and being served crème brulee for practically every meal!

Leno: No need to be so harsh. I understand how hard it must have been for you.

Doomguy: Leno, you have no idea........

(Audience becomes very silent, as well as Leno)

Doomguy: This Icon of Sin is the most hideous thing you've never seen. It sprouts horns out of its head, has the face of a ram's skull, speaks this evil robotic language...

Leno: Sounds like a telemarketer.

(Audience and Kevin laugh a little)

Doomguy: ...and even has an exposed brain that spits out cubes that, when they come into contact with the ground, form a monster of almost any type. Be careful not to stand near it when it hits; if it lands on you, the effect will disembowel you from the inside out!

(Audience jeers again)

Leno: Oh my god! This is horrible!

Doomguy: More so than you can imagine. It was the destruction of this Icon of Sin that made humanity free the clutches of Hell. Had it not been for my marine training, we still might be in chains, best-case scenario.

(Audience cheers ecstatically)

Leno: Well done, Doomguy!

Doomguy: That's it? Just "well done"? (gives this dirty look to Leno)

Leno: Ummmmmmmmmm.......there's a few more things I'd like to know about you and your experiences.

Doomguy: Like what?

Leno: Like...describe the most horrendous looking demons you've ever set eyes on.

Doomguy: MOST horrendous? Hmmmmm, I can name a few, though I don't really see the point.

(Leno shakes his head in confusion)

Doomguy: First, there's the Barons of Hell...

Leno: Just the name sounds a little too noble.

(Audience laughs lightly)

Doomguy: Say what you want, they're still hideous. These guys are carved out of pure muscle. You could say they're Minotaurs; that's what they basically look like. Oh, and if you think the size of these creatures is frightening enough, just wait until you get a load of their attack; they shoot green death bolts at you that can reach lightning speed, figuratively.

Leno: Yow. Sounds like these guys could give Arnold Schwartzenegger a run for his money!

(Audience laughs)

Doomguy: Maybe 8 Arnolds. The next creature on my list is what I call a Mancubus. Though the Barons are frightening, the Mancubi are just plain grotesque and ugly. They could almost pass for Jabba the Hutt. I'm not kidding! These things have layers of fat like you wouldn't believe!

Kevin Eubanks: Sounds a bit like your mom, Jay!

(Kevin laughs, Smitty does the drum beat, and the audience laughs loud)

Doomguy: Not only are these guys fat, but they drool something so disgusting....oh God....I can't hold my breakfast down......

Leno: Drooling...sounds like what Kev does whenever he sees a naked woman in a porno flick!

Kev (chuckling): Wait a minute, Jay...who has the fat mom again?

(Leno smiles, Kev and the audience laugh, Doomguy remains stern.)

Leno: OK, go on.

Doomguy: Lastly, there's the biggest cybernetic horror of the Cyberdemon Lord. To put it mildly, this is a missile-launching skyscraper with goat legs. 'Nuff said.

Leno: Yow.

Doomguy: Believe me, the seat of your pants will turn brown when you see this guy for the first time.

Leno: Eeek. Alright, I just got a few more questions before we break for commercial.

Doomguy: Shoot.

Leno (smiling): Kind of a bad choice of word for how you came equipped tonight, isn't it?

(Audience laughs)

Leno: As a matter of fact, that happens to be my next question. Why did you have to come with guns, the armor, and even the helmet?

Doomguy: You can never be too careful on the streets after this invasion.

Leno: Yeah, especially in LA. Ok, next question, what is your REAL name? I mean, it can't be "Doomguy", unless your parents hated you or something.

(Audience laughs lightly)

Doomguy: I'll tell you in your ear, but if you say it out loud, I'll blow your fraggin' head off!

Leno (with nervous look on his face): Ummmmmm, ok.....

(Doomguy leans closer to Leno's ear. He says something, and Leno looks a bit astonished. He almost can't resist the temptation to blurt out the name, but he still holds it in)

Leno: Uhhhhhh, yeah......your last name can sound like something else a little more offensive, if you ask me.

Doomguy: What was that?

Leno: Never mind. My last question, which is the most absurd, but I just have to ask.

Doomguy: Well, what are you waiting for?

Leno (half-smiling): Forgive me, but............have you ever had any intimate thoughts about these demons?

Doomguy: ALRIGHT LENO!!!!!!!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!

(With this being said, Doomguy pops off a shot from his shotgun and it severs Leno' head off. The audience panics and starts running everywhere, causing chaos. Doomguy is not finished with his shooting just yet, however. He fires a couple of rounds off at the stands. A few of the viewers go down. This keeps going on until finally a few security guards come running in, but even they go down with Doomguy's shots. Even the cameramen run from the set, causing the picture to spin around aimlessly. A few seconds pass by, and finally the standby signal of the TV station is put on. Sorry folks, you won't get to see any more Jay Leno tonight! Heh.)

DWJ3*. IT'S WHAT YOU CRAVE.








*will be done when it's done.

*will be done when it's done.

Take your time. There's still several years until I die (hopefully).

Allright, I read it, it's funny. I laugh :P

DWJ3*. IT'S WHAT YOU CRAVE.

How about no?

Actualy, I kinda liked this story. It's a good appetizer for DWJ3.

Just call it blind luck that I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time when all Hell broke loose.

i wish i had that much luck :P

that was fun, but the audience and leno and others act like that this hellish invasion were never happened...
if this would be real, i'm sure people wouldn't stay so cool, and laugh for those jokes...but i enjoyed it, really.

It was fun, but kinda reminded me of a fan-made mp3 Duke Nukem "song", where Duke wreaks havoc in some guest show, because the host criticized Duke's singing ("boorn to be wiiiaaaaald").

I wonder if this story is a ripoff of that mp3.

It was fun, but kinda reminded me of a fan-made mp3 Duke Nukem "song", where Duke wreaks havoc in some guest show, because the host criticized Duke's singing ("boorn to be wiiiaaaaald").

I wonder if this story is a ripoff of that mp3.

haha, I remember that, it's funny "C'mon, Duke, you can do better than that."

haha, I remember that, it's funny "C'mon, Duke, you can do better than that."

.."Eat shit and die!" *fires ripper chaingun cannon* "Aaagggghhhh!"

..But then again, Duke never told his story.

Woah! Where'd you get this mp3?

I can't remember excactly, but I was surfing around, visiting some Duke4ever pages over a year ago, trying to find info on Duke4ever and I found a bunch of mp3s on one page, and downloaded it. But it's no longer on my hard drive and I can't remember the filename.

Try and do a search for Duke Nukem 4ever or something.

Maybe Bane knows more about it than I.

It was fun, but kinda reminded me of a fan-made mp3 Duke Nukem "song", where Duke wreaks havoc in some guest show, because the host criticized Duke's singing ("boorn to be wiiiaaaaald").

I wonder if this story is a ripoff of that mp3.

Never even heard of it until now.

that was fun, but the audience and leno and others act like that this hellish invasion were never happened...

That was the whole fucking point! What did you expect? How can you expect it to be like a usual Tonight Show with the audience members not being happy????? It was supposed to be humerous.....

That was the whole fucking point! What did you expect? How can you expect it to be like a usual Tonight Show with the audience members not being happy????? It was supposed to be humerous.....

And it IS humerous!

humerous

Ugh, I can't believe it.....HUMOROUS!!!!!! GAH!!!!!!!

/me shoots himself

But seriously, it IS an arm bone...

But seriously, it IS an arm bone...

That's "humerus", I think.

that was fun, but the audience and leno and others act like that this hellish invasion were never happened...

That was the whole fucking point! What did you expect? How can you expect it to be like a usual Tonight Show with the audience members not being happy????? It was supposed to be humerous.....[/quote]no, they should scream.

1. If I was a mod, I'd make that quote go right
2. At the end and even throughout the story, the audience jeers sometimes at the gory thoughts and details, and they run and scream at the end when Doomguy blows Leno's head off

But seriously, it IS an arm bone...

That's "humerus", I think.

What, the funny bone?

Now you're on the trolley!

/me tries to shoot danarchist's head off with a gun and wants to get everyone screaming

/me tackles bane, punches him in the face, and grabs his pistol
/me takes pistol and blows bane's head off
/me receives $800,000,000 dollars in one-dollar bills from dan for saving his life

/me steals DoomBoy's reward and buys a brand new, jet and heads off for the Dominic Republic.
/me enjoys a lifelong vacation.

/me wonders if the United States printed 800 million in 1 dollar bills.

/me receives $800,000,000 dollars in one-dollar bills from dan for saving his life

No, that would be $800,000,000 in IOUs (think Dumb and Dumber).

/me steals DoomBoy's reward and buys a brand new, jet and heads off for the Dominic Republic.
/me enjoys a lifelong vacation.

/me sends assassin down to Dominican Republic who assassinates XenoBoy
/me tells assassin to bring the jet back with him
/me gets hands on jet and sells it for $800,000,000

/assassin takes jet for himself and moves to Switzerland.