Random Humor

Some might have read them already, some might have seen them many times before. Regardless, routinely I get some humorous e-mails and so I figured I'd post three of the one's I enjoyed most. Alot of you might have seen the grasshoper one though.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family.. But that's it...... no
other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

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A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a
nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to
go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me
VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about
the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the warning

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ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering
heat all summer long, building his
house and laying in supplies for the
winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away. Come winter, the ant
is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out
in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering
heat all summer long, building his
house and laying in supplies for the
winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to
know why the ant should be allowed to
be warm and well-fed while others are
cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled
with food. America is stunned by the
sharp contrast. How can this be, that
in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with
the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being
Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration
in front of the ant's house, where the
news stations film the group
singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse
then has the group kneel down to pray
to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with
Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair
share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic
Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,"
retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant is fined for failing to
hire a proportionate number of green
bugs and, having nothing left to pay
his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to
represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and
the case is tried before a panel of
Federal judges that Bill had appointed
from a list of single parent welfare
recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the
grasshopper finishing up the last bits
of the ant's food while the government
house he is in, which just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around
him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a
drug-related incident and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang
of spiders who terrorize the once
peaceful neighborhood.

Ant story

When I got that email it had a nice line at the bottom with the sarcastic tone, "Be sure to vote for Gore."

At any rate the obvious conclusion is that socialism works.

Things gained without earning them have no value.

Two police officers on patrol come up on a car on the freeway. The car is swerving all over the place; the driver is obviously drunk. The cops get the guy pulled over, and his speech is slurred, his eyes are unfocused, and he can't seem to stand up straight. The cops put him through every basic drunk test, and he fails them all; he can't walk a straight line, touch his nose, blow up a balloon, or anything. So they take him into the station and give him a breathalyzer. Nothing. The tests say the guy doesn't have a drop of alchohol in his body. The cops confront the guy with this, and he looks sheepish and says, "Well officers, me and my friends were at a bar, and I was the designated decoy..."
[/quote]A police officer is running radar on a bridge overpass, and clocks a guy going twenty over the limit, so he runs him down and pulls him over. The cop and the driver get to talking while the ticket is being written, and the cop asks the guy what he does for a living.

"Well sir," the driver says, "I'm a professional rectum-stretcher."

"A rectum-stretcher?" replies the cop. "How do you stretch a rectum?"

"Well, I start by sticking one finger into the patient's rectum, then another finger, then my whole hand, then eventually I can get both arms in there and give it some leverage. Eventually I can get the rectum stretched to about six feet across."

"Six feet!?" cries the cop. "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?!"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and stick him on a bridge."
[/quote]A man and a woman are making love in a posh penthouse apartment. Suddenly, they hear the elevator coming up.

"Oh, shit!" cries the woman. "That's my husband! Run and hide!"

The guy leaps out of the bed and starts looking for a place to hide, but then he stops. "Hold on, I'M your husband!!!"

heh heh heh....hey, where is a good place to post files that I could share with y'all? I got some real good vids on here you'd probably get a kick out of.

Have you tried Freewebz? 100 megs for free :)

Have you tried Freewebz? 100 megs for free :)

Heh, crendowing has turned into a Freewebz whore ;)

Heh, crendowing has turned into a Freewebz whore ;)

Join the club! :)

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of guinness. The bartender tells him that If he asked for the pints one at a time, they would be cold. But the Irishman insisted, and explained that he and his two brothers would go to a pub in Dublin every night and have a pint of Guinness together, and now that they are apart, drink three pints at a time as a memento of the time they spent together. The bartender understood, and gave the Irishman his three pints.
Eventually, the Irishman became a regular at the bar. coming every night to have his three pints. One day, he came in, sat down, and ordered only two. Everyone in the bar was surprised by this and wanted to know what happened, so they convinced the bartender to ask. The bartender gave the man his two pints, and with a heavy heart, said:

"Here are your two pints. And my condolences. What happened?"

It took a couple of minutes for the light to come on in the Irishman's head, and he finally said:

"What? Oh, no! It's nothing like that! I've given up drinking for Lent!"

This is one of my favorite jokes.

At any rate the obvious conclusion is that socialism works.

/complete mental breakdown.

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a guy walks into a bar and says "ouch"


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A milk man delivers milk to a house and finds out that the lady inside in naked.
"lets fUck" she says
So, as he is taking off his pants, her housband pulls up, and enters the house.
"What the hell is going on in here" the housband says.
the milkman says
" i told your wif that if she didnt pay for the milk, that i would shit all over the floor"

The Spouse of a pretty young thing,
Came home from war in the spring.
He was lame but he came
with his hand on his cane,
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

:)

HAIKU!!!!

Rape: Assault with a friendly weapon... :)

lol

A pregnant woman is due to deliver, so her husband takes her into the hospital. The doctor tells the couple of an amazing new device that can transfer any amount of the pain and effort of childbirth to the child's father, so that the mother and father could "split the effort" of delivering the baby. The husband agrees to the idea of using the device, so the doctor hooks it up and sets it to transfer 10% of the pain.

Things get underway, and the doctor asks the husband how he's doing. The husband says he's fine, he doesn't feel any discomfort at all. So he agrees to let the doctor pump it up to 20%. He still doesn't feel anything, so it goes up to 30%. Still nothing, so 50%. He's stil fine, even going into the most painful stage of the delivery, so the doctor pumps it up to 75%. Finally, after the husband says he feels nothing, and his wife is having no problems with experiencing only a quarter of the pain, the machine is set to transfer 100% of the pain.

The new mother has a completely painless and complication-free delivery, the new baby is hale and healthy, and both are recovered and ready to go home within a few hours. Husband, wife, and the new baby joyfully return to their house... to find the milkman lying dead on the front porch.

rofl, good one!

...what do you call a homosexual doctor who specialises in the respiratory system?

A Queer Nose and Throat specialist :)

lmao =]

Rape: Assault with a friendly weapon... :)

And the woman's crime is receiving swollen goods

Guy walks up to a girl at a party and says "Wanna fuck?"
The girl yells "NO!". The guy replies "Wanna lie down while I have one?"
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I don't find any of those jokes funny.

Fredrik

Humor is a waste of time.

Humor is a waste of time.

BEST JOKE YET.

Humor is a waste of time.

Fredrik is a waste of humour.

Humor is a waste of time.

Fredrik is a waste of humour.

Time is wasted humouring Fredrik.

Humor is a waste of time.

Fredrik is a waste of humour.

Time is wasted humouring Fredrik.

Fredrik wastes time humouring us.

I was being ironic. Don't you guys have any sense of humor?

I was being ironic. Don't you guys have any sense of humor?

I don't find any of those jokes funny.