Unjokes

Simple, post so unfunny anti-jokes that they are actually not funny.

-What did the blind, deaf, poor orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.

-Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

-How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

-Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by the bus.

-A polar bear and a seal are sitting on an ice floe. The polar bear looks at the seal and says, "RAWRRRRRRRRRGGG" and then kills and eats him.

-So this guy walks into a bar. He ends up getting really drunk and taking home a highly promiscuous woman. They both die from AIDS.

-A priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar.
They then proceed to molest small children.

-Why did the black man die?
Because he was the victim of a race-hate gang related attack.

-Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are very absent-minded creatures. The chances are the chicken saw some form of bug or other edible life form from across the road and decided to venture over in that direction. If the road was not there, the chicken would most likely have still crossed that same expanse of ground, regardless of potential consequences.

-Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

-How do you call a muslim piloting Boeing 747?
A pilot.

-Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

-What's worse than a worm in an apple?
A holocaust.



*poof*

I don't know, some of those were pretty funny. Here's one:

What did the Muslim storeowner say to the Jew who entered his store?
"Welcome to my store."

-A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.

Knock knock.
- Who's there?
To.
- To who?

What do you call a person who still plays Doom?
Grandpa.

Knock knock.
whos there?
Philip.
Philip who?
Please go fill up the glass.

Had an idiot of a friend back in middle school who kept telling me that shitty knock knock joke over and over to annoy me. I hate it.

So a pirate walked into a bar. He said "OW!....Arrrrrr."

phi108 said:

So a pirate walked into a bar. He said "OW!....Arrrrrr."

You ruined the simplicity of the joke!

Why did the boy fall off his bike? Someone threw a fridge at him.

Why did the plane crash? Because a Banana was piloting it.

Why am i afraid of seven?

My grandfather called television "the idiot's lantern" - and it was because of that remark that he lost his job as the head of ITV.

My grandfather called television "the idiot's lantern" - and it was because of that remark that he got his job as the head of ITV.

My grandfather called television "the idiot's lantern" - and it was because of that remark that he lost his job as John Logie Baird, the inventor of television.

Six said:

Why am i afraid of seven?

Because seven...

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken

Christopher Reeves walks into a bar...

An Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew walk into a bar. They're all friends. Society has actually come a long way, so they think nothing of it.

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

What's one black man in the sea?
Pollution

What's all the black men in the sea?
Solution

What do you call a black man that has fallen from the 3rd floor?
Nutella.

What do you call a black man that has fallen from the 6th floor?
Choco milk.

How do you call the most snobbish Jew?
Lux.

What do you call 4 Jews singing?
Soap-opera.

I know a lot more but I'm too lazy to write them all down, chew on those for the mean time.

There is a man and a woman making love in the bedroom. They are going at it, hot and heavy. When suddenly they both hear a noise from the door, as they turned to look it was their little son Timmy in the door way. Timmy then, ran off. The father says "I will go and talk with Timmy."

The Father opens the door to Timmy's room and he stands there, seeing Timmy getting hot and heavy with the grandmother. Timmy turns and looks at his father and says - "It's not that funny when it's your mom, is it?"

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So, he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the Pledge of Allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man.

So, Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But, he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But, he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral of this story: Don't stand up in a boat.

hervoheebo said:

I don't know, some of those were pretty funny.

Get out.

Planky said:

Why did the boy fall off his bike? Someone threw a fridge at him.

That's actually happened to me, so I don't find that amusing.

Well I did post this in a thread called 'Unjokes'. And because it happened to you, I must have been actively looking to upset you. Mission accomplished.

j4rio said:

Moral of this story: Don't stand up in a boat.

tl;dr, but that reminds me of a joke about Tonto. You can make the story as long, elaborate and brutal as you like, but this is a condensed version:

Journeying through a narrow mountain pass on a mercy mission, the Lone Ranger and Tonto knew they were in danger. But nothing could prepare them for the ambush that befell them. In the hail of bullets from all sides, the Lone Ranger was wounded and fell from his horse unconscious. Although he too was bleeding from multiple wounds, Tonto instinctively returned fire, shooting dead the first eight attackers before they could reload. When his ammo ran out, he pulled out his knife and butchered the next dozen, dodging their bullets the whole time. When his knife broke, he pulped the remaining attackers with his bare hands.

Moral of this story: Don't mess with Tonto, 'cos he's a hard bastard.

She smiled and said, "I licked the icing off the couch!"

HWGuy said:

She smiled and said, "I licked the icing off the couch!"

Heh, I remember telling that joke when I was a kid.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk all walk into a bar; the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

Six said:

Why am i afraid of seven?

Because 7 is black.

Tim and Eric walk into a bar. God damn it.

Bank said:

Tim and Eric walk into a bar. God damn it.

Everyone keeps regurgitating meh joke.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

...And the cat says, "You can meow that again!"