Um, hi, here's a story I'm working on...<Nervous>

Hello, I'm brand new here,I've mostly been on the PLanet Diablo forums, but I thought since this is the Fanfic index, I thought about posting the first part of my story. Um, what are the rules on swearing? The first chapter is coming up, but first, a question. Can anyone tell me how and where to host a small website within a server, so people can read my stories, that I have written. Some about Doom, some about Diablo II, some about various other things.

So, on to the first chapter. And if the Chaos Project team reads the story, I thought the story was a good story opener. I hope you don't mind.

Again, what about swearing, I apologize if I can't swear much...this story has marines talking...:-)

A moment of Revelation
By David B

Inspired by a Doom 2 megawad story…The Chaos Project


Sometimes it all comes together in a moment of revelation. Hence the title. This time though, Revelation comes right at the beginning, instead of the end…

One man’s destiny, set in the Doom universe to a degree…

Prologue: Shit out of Luck

David stood there, killing the same imp over and over again. “Damn it, just because I said I could doesn’t mean the Arch-vile can raise it 665 times!” After the 666th kill, David felt a wave of dizziness strike him. Then text appeared on the screen.

In a fitful nightmare you see your destiny unfold before you. The overrun cities of Earth, Destroyed military installations. The Gate, The terrifying void where not only two, but countless dimensions merge.

The void infested with the evil scourge you've dedicated your life to exterminating.

You see the power plant, so corrupt in its technology it bears no further corruption at the hands of hell.

Beyond this: the dim vision of your own death in a phantom temple, and your rebirth in its dungeon countless times to horrible torture. You see beyond even this, a glimpse of the Godless Abominate. Not only a thing, but also a place. Strangest thing is that how familiar it looks…. Are you ready? Y/N?

David blinked. “Whoa, I’m drinking too much cola…. Sugar hallucination. Uh, Yes or no, well, my life already sucks, and this sounds interesting…” He pressed Y. The world blew apart around him. He blinked at the brightness and fell back on a nonexistent chair. He fell back onto solid white; he closed his eyes, as he realized it was transporting him somewhere. He tried to stand up when a wave of energy struck him, knocking him out. He felt himself falling, falling through everything. He landed….

Chapter 1 “MOVE! MOVE!”

David heard shouts around him, and then woke up to something smelling like rotten lemons. “OH! What is that smell! I swear my farts do not smell like that…. Good GODS…” He looked around and wondered why it was so cold. Then he saw that he was naked. “AHHH! I think I entered the wrong universe. Goodbye!” He looked around for clothing and found an old T-shirt with a matching pair of pants. He put them on and walked carefully, not wanting to guess what that smell was. He really didn’t want to know. He also wondered out loud why it smelled and was not happy about his response. BOOM!” He ducked in time to see a small wooden chair explode from a shotgun blast. David held his hands up and said.

“WHOA! Chill there, I don’t have any weapons, and you wouldn’t shoot an unarmed man would you?” He turned around to see his attacker and his stomach, despite having lots of experience with violent computer games and movies, lurched. David blinked once and said. “Ahh, shit….” He wrestled the shotgun out of the zombie’s hands and shot it in the head, all with pure adrenaline running. He panted. “Man, this is not good.” He looked for shells and found one 4 pack. He sighed and walked out the door, and into a world of Hell. He surveyed the scene and said. “Sacre Blue! If this is Hell, I’m in deep shit…”

He heard someone scream. “HALT! Who are you?” David turned a little and heard a shotgun cock and press against his forehead.

“ICK Ben ine not zombie! Not Zombie, not demon, not evil, human! Definitely human!”

The shotgun was lowered somewhat and the voice said. “Okay, well, you’d be the smartest zombie yet…Plus, you’re not decayed, so, follow me, we need all the people we can get to fight these Demon bastards.”

David looked around and saw the man. “Okay, just tell me, what city are we in?” The man blinked. “Don’t you know, how did you get here then?”

David explained somewhat. “Um, I was playing a computer game, and then a message popped up, told me I was going to save humankind and some other shit, and I happened to press Yes. Damn it, I really would have liked to go to another universe, like Diablo land…”

The sergeant, for that’s what his stripes showed, said. “What the Hell is Diablo?”

David groaned. “Okay, this is going to be hard to explain, but I’m from another Universe. The one where this whole universe is inside a video game." ”

The sergeant blinked. “What? This Hell is a Goddamned Computer game? Shit! If I ever go there, I’m shooting whoever made it.”

David groaned. “Same here, look, can I put my hands down.”

The sergeant nodded and spoke into a mike. “Yeah, I got a live one, is Big Bird there, over?” A voice sounded. “Roger, follow the yellow brick road home.” The sergeant introduced himself. “John Edwards, former Martian colonist and appointed governor when all this shit happened…seven years ago.”

David shuddered. “What year is it?”

Sgt. John said. “2032. All started in 2025.”

David sighed. “Join the Army, see the world they said… Famous quote…Tell me, Sgt. John, what was the first sign?”

Sgt. John shrugged. “Well, the report of Deimos appearing above earth was one, then transporters started acting up and teleporting all the Hellspawn in…Really damn bad thing, don’t you think?”

David growled. ”Yeah, tell me about it, this isn’t my idea of a vacation, and my ass smells better than those zombies…” He sniffed and grimaced. “Okay, so this is what city?” As they were walking, he was asking this.

Sgt. John sighed. “Used to be Los Angeles. Then those damn demons came and swarmed over the place. They took out the major cities first. Then they build towers that made a shield appear that was impossible to destroy, until someone had an idea to use plasma weaponry, tore right through and we took back Houston, and most of Texas. Tide’s turning, but they keep on bringing in those new demons…We can’t figure it out, some of them are easy, some of them just devastate us. Damn, what I wouldn’t give to give them the same. Come on, HQ is in this abandoned building. Well, underneath it anyway, uh don’t tell them that I told you that…until they trust you.”

David followed the man down a flight of stairs, into a basement and into an elevator. David noticed a mark on his hand. “You’re fighting demons and you have 666 on your hand?”

Sgt. John smiled. “Yeah, they stop shooting at you if they see it. I’m a stealth unit, and I look for survivors. It makes me invisible to their eyes. Not permanent though…heh, that would be bad… That means your evil.” He rubbed the mark off. “Waterproof my ass.”

David smiled. “Makes sense…how many people in L.A? “

Sgt. John sighed. “Less than 1300 unfortunately. Chicago had 40,000, then it got nuked…My brother was there….”

He was broken off. David sighed. “Sorry, I ate the power plant…”

Sgt. John smiled. “Nah, that’s not possible…heh. You’re funny, what’s your name?” David told him. He thought for a minute. “Hmm, good name, sounds like a famous persons…” The elevator stopped and they got off. Sgt. John knocked three times on a door and said. “Open up, I brought a survivor.” David blinked as the door opened into the ceiling.

“Whoa, this is like the game…” He walked through and followed Sgt. John into a room.

A man looked over at them and said. “Ah, Good, we can use more help against those Goddamned Hellspawn. Name?”

David told him and said. “I’m not a military person, sir, I can’t fight worth a damn. I killed a zombie by pure brute force and adrenaline.”

Sgt. John nodded. “Yeah, I heard it. That’s why I went over there to investigate."

The new man shook David’s hand and said. “Colonel John Romero Jr. U.S Air force, what’s left of it.”

Needs more line breaks. Spread out those paragraphs, it gives me a headache trying to read big blocks of text like that.

Er, oops. Well, let me know how you liked it as well? Nothign wrong with it? I'll break up the paragraphs a lot more soon. See ya, and I hope lots of people read it.

Just know this...you'd better ph33r me! With just a simple command, I can send this to the land of posts worthy of ridicule!

Yes, I'm basically saying this story is kinda corny.

Aw come on cren, don't be so rough on him.
He only just arrived and I think he's a nice, polite newbie.

AresGodofWAR: Your story ain't bad, but I get the impression that you have elements inspired from the Doom novels.
A word of advice: Avoid anything related to the Doom Novels - people here including me HATE the Doom novels (most of us that is).

I encourage you to carry on with the story, I'm curious to see how the story evolves.

And btw, welcome aboard.

Corny? You wound me, for with a small flick of my wrist, you would be stuck on Nightmare mode in real life... :-) hehe

Actually, being 19 has it's advantages.

and thanks dsm

Originally posted by dsm:
AresGodofWAR: Your story ain't bad, but I get the impression that you have elements inspired from the Doom novels.
A word of advice: Avoid anything related to the Doom Novels - people here including me HATE the Doom novels (most of us that is).

I encourage you to carry on with the story, I'm curious to see how the story evolves.

And btw, welcome aboard.

As for the story, I'm working on it every so often. And as for the Doom novels, was I the only one who liked the first two, and the last few chapters of the fourth one? :) That's a joke by the way.

So, tell me, which parts were like the Doom novels, It's been so long since I've read them. At least it doesn't involve Flynn Taggart and Arlene Saunders? Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a screenplay writer. If you're talking about the sour lemons smell, that will be about the only thing. The names are different, and yes, Deimos appearing in the sky above the earth would be from the books, but still, it's not that bad...is it?

Anyway, later on, I'll post the second chapter. Depending on how much feedback I get. Good or bad, even if Bad will be incinerated by my pet Arch-Vile. :) Mind if I e-mail you later, dsm? Does your name stand for Dragon scale mail? I do have to say, Linguica was nice to format the text of my story. I was amazed that the first reply was from a God of Doom editing. I'm also going to check out other fanfic, to see if I can learn. I've been reading fanfic for Diablo 2, Xena, Chrono Trigger, and almost all Final Fantasy games.

Anyway, have a nice day everyone.

Here is the second chapter, I think it gets angsty...:-) Whatever that means....I promise to make sure that I keep this about R-rated...nothing more, nothing less.


Chapter 2 Blinked

David blinked twice. “Um, in the universe where I come from, the John Romero there is a famous computer programmer. He made the game that made this universe so to speak.”

Col. John Romero smiled. “Well, weirder things have happened. Hell, everything has happened….”

David nodded. “I noticed, and I’ve always wanted to be in L.A, but not like this. Sigh…”

Col. John nodded. “I know son, well, tell me, how’s your experience with these monsters?” David told him about the monsters he knew.

“Damn, no wonder we have a hard time with those Arch-Viles. They raise the dead as well as flambé us. Well, no wonder why we can’t seem to clear an area with one of them until we kill it. Can’t raise other Arch-Viles, can they?”

David nodded. “Not ever seen one do that, Sir.”

Col. John sighed. “You’re not in the military, don’t call me sir.”

David smiled. “Okay, Col. John.” David sat down and explained how he got here.

******

“Well, David, looks like it’s time for you to really help us out. We spotted a small group of those imps, about ten of them. Led by a dark green imp, shoots those damn red blasts of energy. They burn through any armor. Good thing it does no damage to skin, at least not very much. The normal imp’s fireballs are a pain in the ass though, kill you if you inhale at the wrong time.”

David nodded. “Yes, little annoying son-of-bitches…”

Col. John laughed. “Yeah, well, what weapon do you think you need.”

David thought and said. “Got a combat shotgun?”

Col. John nodded. “Yes, but do you think you can handle the kick?”

David though for a moment and said. “Hmm, maybe a normal shotgun. So, where are those imps?”

Sgt. John Edwards spoke. “Um, Sir, the imps are reported to be in sector G-56. Approximately 2 miles from here, They are advancing on us as we speak, but we are sure that there are none of those Arch-Viles near here.”

“David, what do you think the best strategy is? We’re asking you and your experiences…”

David though. “Shotguns all around, and heavy armor. Just in case something like a Baron shows up. That’s why I’d like a combat shotgun. 7 shots from that, and they’d be dead. Both barrels of course.”

David was surprised by the next sentence. “I agree, David, okay, Sgt. John, I want you to take David here to the Armory, and assemble a 6-man squad. Sgt. James Kirk, Staff Sgt. Mack Thompson, Sgt. Lara Croft, Private John Asmos, and you, David will lead.”

David blinked. “You’re letting a man with no military experience lead a squad. He’ll be in charge, won’t he?”

Col. John laughed. “Yes, I mean that you’ll be leading them to where they may be needed. You seem to have something special about you.”

David shrugged. “Okay, but tell me, what does Sgt. Lara Croft look like?”

A female voice from behind Col. John answered as she stepped into the light.

“Well, you could also call me Tanya Adams if you want, I’m from the same universe as you. I’ve forgotten my name.”

David thought about something. “Ah, that explains why you believed my story without being so suspicious. Damn, that didn’t sound quite right.”

Col. John laughed again. “Don’t worry about it!”

********

A short while later, the squad was advancing on a small group of imps, around 10. David was the one to spot the green-skinned one. He pointed his combat shotgun at the green imp’s head and whispered. “As soon as I fire, fire everything on this imp. He has to be the leader. Probably a sergeant too.”

He fired, stunning the imp, and then 5 other shotguns fired and knocked the dark green imp fifteen feet backwards. It fell dead. The remaining nine imps did the impish equivalent of freak out. David fired the other barrel and caught two imps on the right and left shoulder, paralyzing one arm each. They screamed and David reloaded. The other 5 men fired and then 3 imps remained. Those three became nothing real fast.

David went over to one and shot off its head. “I’m going to rip off your head and piss down your neck.” Everyone laughed.

David sighed. “Let’s get out of here before something really bad happens…” They left slowly, and returned to the base, shooting a few zombies for practice.

I hope you like it, details aren't exactly my fortee. Ciao.

Originally posted by AresGodofWAR
And as for the Doom novels, was I the only one who liked the first two, and the last few chapters of the fourth one? :) That's a joke by the way.

So, tell me, which parts were like the Doom novels, It's been so long since I've read them. At least it doesn't involve Flynn Taggart and Arlene Saunders? Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a screenplay writer. If you're talking about the sour lemons smell, that will be about the only thing. The names are different, and yes, Deimos appearing in the sky above the earth would be from the books, but still, it's not that bad...is it?
[...] Mind if I e-mail you later, dsm? Does your name stand for Dragon scale mail?

Ok, the part I wasn't too happy about which was taken from the Doom novels was the part about Deimos floating above Earth. And no, don't even THINK about mentioning Flynn Taggart in your story ;-)
I've never read any of the novels in full - only an extract and that was enough for me to know that it was worse than shit not to mention that the reviews that I've read (both on these forums and elsewhere) keep me away from them.

Why would you like to email me? I wouldn't mind unless you're just going to waste my time, so you can email me if you have something relevant to say.
And about my nick, *sigh*, it's not a very original name but dsm is short for "doomed spacemarine".

On to chapter two: People in your story seem a little too jolly if you ask me. They're experiencing Hell on Earth - the worst thinkable catastrophe. That means that they would not be laughing as easily.

While your story is rather interesting it isn't particular believable that a civie who's used to playing games can handle a shotgun with any particular skill (unless he's old enough to carry a gun and has practiced a lot with shotguns in particular - I don't know too much about what weapon limitation civies are exposed to in the US, so I don't know if civilians are allowed to use shotguns) - using a gun takes some practicing y'know.

And finally, you leap too quickly in time. You've only just written about the "briefing" and suddenly I find myself reading about the assault. The transition could have been done a lot better.

I suggest that you read some of the other stories on this forum (preferrably Crendowing's, Wildman's and Katarhyne's stories) for inspiration and guidelines for writing a good story.

Well dsm, since you're a mod of this forum as well, I suppose you can override my opinion any day.

BTW, I'm glad you split up the lines more. And I shouldn't have called this story corny in bad way. After all, this IS the "post all your wacky DOOM-related stories" :)

I only override things which are REALLY bad - your post wasn't really that bad.
The last thing I dealt with was one of DooMBoy's post which fucked with the community story.

Whoever made these smiley face things, could you make the sunglasses a different shape, I cant take round ones. :p

I like the story, it was designed well, in my opinion. I've tried writing stories but they are always stripped of detail, and very boring. :)

*****