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Marn

How are you doing?

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I don't know. I'm somehow still among the living. I somehow found someone that actually loves me. I'm somehow getting through life despite being unemployed with no education higher than high school.

 

Despite all of this, my mental problems make things harder than they need to be. And despite being about 8 years ago now, a close death to me still leaves me feeling burnt. My patience gets thinner with every year that passes.

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Better now than I was five years ago, when I was on the street for a year. Prior to that, a fucked up home that went through a three year downward spiral of losing almost everything and parents abusing drugs. I'm somehow pretty damn smart and responsible with living and getting by despite the fact I didn't go to high school. I didn't even do home schooling properly. Prior to that got kicked out of kindergarten for being a little autist. I've never worked an honest day in my life and I probably couldn't because I'm not social. I'm too easily flustered, slow, awkward and make criticisms more personal than they have any right to be. I'm a neet on 'disability' because of my high functioning autism. Live with parents who are way better than they used to be, albeit 'next door', but that's not really something to be ashamed of in this day and age. I have an S/O who puts up with my occasional drama, since I try my best, and I know I'm only human.

Other than the usual present day meh-ness as the result of a lack of a social life and a small crappy town overrun with bums and churches and old white people, things are still way better than they used to be. Trust me.

Edited by cyan0s1s

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Well it's a short, one week vacation here, so I'm doing well so far, but the real problems will emerge shortly after it ends so my state of mind will probably be different in 2 weeks from now.

 

I suppose I'll still be fine, if I survive :v .

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Well, I'm still here, alive and breathing, feeling air and coldness around me.

I'm still alone, full of those depressive things, mentally drained and tired. Feels like those happy and easy days gone from my life. 

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2 minutes ago, Myst.Haruko said:

Well, I'm still here, alive and breathing, feeling air and coldness around me.

I'm still alone, full of those depressive things, mentally drained and tired. Feels like those happy and easy days gone from my life. 

 

Many of us are happy to have you here. There are people in your life that appreciate and treasure you. 

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Well, that's true. I have people who love me and care about my life. But sometimes, It's hard to see through my never ending problems and appreciate those small things in life. 

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19 hours ago, Jello said:

Thanks, I have a picture that would be nice, but I'm not read to put it up yet.

It's tough to do it at first, yeah. You just kinda have to warm up to the idea.

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I got locked into a mental institution after I told the doctors about the voices in my head and my thoughts of killing my father. I was deemed stable enough to return for this weekend but I have to go back in the evening tomorrow. I'm dreading it quite a bit and I forgot to bring my iPod's charger home so I can't put any new music on it. That's what's bothering me the most. All in all, pretty shit week.

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I know that the new Star Wars movies are fairly controversial already but I'm really wondering if they are going to let us down for Ep 9 by not retconning midichlorians. Right now they are ignoring them but they could so easily retcon them. All they have to do is say midichlorians are a natural microscopic flora present in or on all living beings that have found an evolutionary niche surviving off of force energy. This means that very force sensitive beings who emanate large amounts of force energy have a larger amount of midichlorians present due to flora imbalances one would typically see with gut flora based on diet and genetics or whatnot except in this case it's related to force emanations. The reason why Quigon then tested Anakin despite recognizing his force sensitivity on his own is just a further symptom of the Jedi council's ongoing demise in which they refused to simply trust their feelings and instead insisted on categorizing and measuring and accounting everything which while good for scientific inquiry represented a huge departure from the Jedi way which was much more feelings based rather than charting and bureaucracy based.

 

Right now, midichlorians are a frustrating loose thread. They are mentioned in Episode 1 so you can't say "just forget about them" because anyone doing a full watch-through of the series is going to be made aware of them. Perhaps a special edition release of the prequels (should one occur) just edit out that segment entirely or do some cutaway voice-over where present-day Liam Neeson re-records and explains to Yoda (while the camera is on Yoda) that he senses Anakin is force-sensitive and just cut the midichlorian counter shots entirely. However, I think my first idea would be very easy at filling a plot-hole as well as adding more depth to the prequels at the same time; the audience's disgust with midichlorians becomes the new Jedi order's disgust with how strayed the Jedi Council had become before it's fall. Luke's ghost could just explain to Rey "before the rise of the Emperor, the Jedi Council had lost it's way and ranked force sensitivity based on microscopic bacteria that fed off of force emanations". How would Luke know? The audience can just assume Obiwan or Yoda explained it to him at some point. Luke would be telling Rey this to further drive home the point that the new Jedi must not become about dogma as that has always been their downfall.

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Doing fine, life is good, my kinks are getting satisfied for the most part (one can always improve), kid is healthy and on a good way mentally after some early turbulences. I'd really have to look a while to find something worth complaining about. That said, shoutouts to the "every-day-madness" I guess ;-)

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Without going into detail, and to quote the Shining...

 

Things could be better, things could be a lot better...

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It's really cool to see so many familiar old timers still posting on these boards. Sorry to hear some of you with real struggles. God, life was hard from age 15 to 24. My 18th year was the most challenging of my life. Looking back on it now the dark places of the world's soul that I traveled to was a little bit like how Gandalf must have felt falling deep within the Earth, dragged down by the Balrog of Shadow and Flame. These days I am not haunted by the tumultuous and scary aspects of my youth. Life is great, without any crazy ups and downs. The only real thing to complain about was that a knee injury several years ago skiing in the woods prevented me from hitting all the amazing powder that buried the northeast all March long.

 

Kind of want to blow $500 on a really good recording setup for to start recording some of the song seeds that I'm always creating but never do anything with. Also want to buy music making software like Reason but am intimidated by the learning curve. Would also be fun to record Let's Plays (Angband is so much fun; been playing it way too much) and maybe some other comedy/thoughtful/interesting youtube content.

 

Been watching a lot of flat earth videos lately which is pretty amusing as it turns out a flat earth is much more defendable than I ever imagined it could ever be (which is pretty cool as a thought experiment, and pretty fascinating). But don't misread me, just because many of the arguments are interesting and maybe seem plausible, I very much believe the Earth is a globe.

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Too much time spent on obligations and too little on pleasures. Everything else is fine. 

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Even though I've developed a good circle of friends, my learned self-isolation tendencies are still embedded really deeply. I've basically been avoiding even leaving the house at all unless it's specifically to go do something with people.

 

I need to start taking some initiative to get out more because I've just fully realized how bonkers this shit really is.

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2 hours ago, Marn said:

Even though I've developed a good circle of friends, my learned self-isolation tendencies are still embedded really deeply. I've basically been avoiding even leaving the house at all unless it's specifically to go do something with people.

 

I need to start taking some initiative to get out more because I've just fully realized how bonkers this shit really is.

 

I do the same thing. Though, I like staying in and not being around a lot of people. I usually take walks at night if I need to get out. Most jobs I've held have all been night shift too. I've had a couple day shifts before and it ended up with me walking out of both jobs eventually. I just can't. The fake smile on my face fades quickly.

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My mood is kind of a mixed bag right now, but I'm ok for the most part.

 

I'm not particularly happy right now because of school. Nothing to say here, I just hate school. Thankfully it's my last year though.

 

I'm a bit nervous because I need to take a test to get into college at the end of the year, and the school I'm currently in isn't very good, so I might not know the enough when the time comes. Still, I can study on my own and if I do so I should be ok. I think.

 

I also get the feeling every now and then that life is... like killing a Baron of Hell with the pistol. It's not particularly bad, just tedious. I've been pretty lucky all things considered, but I still get the feeling of "why do I even bother" because I feel like my existance is meaningless. I probably just have to find my place in the world, and hopefully I'll find it someday.

 

But good things are happening as well: A while ago I realized that a friend hadn't watched the original Alien film! D: So I told her she had to watch it, and I also told her that I wanted to see her reactions, so we ended up watching it together. Seeing her jumping out of her seat - twice - because of the cat was priceless haha. After that we have kept watching movies once a week, and so far we've watched the first two Alien and Predator films. Anyway, I'm really happy that I'm getting to spend some time with her (and I'm glad that we like the same kind of movies!) since I don't hang out with my friends very often.

 

And videogames and Doomworld are keeping me in a decent mood, as always :P

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>killing a Baron of Hell with the pistol.

I sometimes have to take down a Cyberdemon with the single shotgun. Sure, it could be worse, but dodging those rockets does get exhausting, so I know how you feel.

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On 4/10/2018 at 3:27 PM, KVELLER said:

Still, I can study on my own and if I do so I should be ok. I think.

 

Definitely if you want to go to college. Entrance exams are very difficult so learning on your own and getting extra lessons is pretty much a must, but also largely depending on what and where you choose to go. I for one was accepted here at engineering based on other criterias so I didn't have to take any exam to be either accepted or rejected, but its lack made itself known to me shortly afterwards. After all, graduating from philology and going to college on engineering is not the brightest idea I could have, but ultimately I don't regret this decision, if anything it was an opportunity to seize for me.

 

I've also recently started saying something about the baccalaureat since it's closing in for you, if that exam is seen as difficult by someone, then the said person should not even consider going to college in the first place, they have no business there, exams in college are much, much more difficult making this one, the "exam of maturity" as it's sometimes referred to as, along everything else that preceeds it look like a joke in comparison.

 

On 4/10/2018 at 3:27 PM, KVELLER said:

because I feel like my existence is meaningless. I probably just have to find my place in the world, and hopefully I'll find it someday.

 

I've been waiting for this to happen for 20yrs+ now and yet I've always felt like nothing more than a visitor or a stranger on a trip rather than having much to do with this world. Quite disconnected I could say.

 

On 4/10/2018 at 3:27 PM, KVELLER said:

so far we've watched the first two Alien and Predator films

 

What do you think about the second movie? I've seen it's getting quite a lot of hate but I think it's underrated, despite not being on par with the original.

Edited by Agent6

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4 hours ago, Agent6 said:

What do you think about the second movie? I've seen it's getting quite a lot of hate, but I think it's underrated, despite not being on par with the original.

 

Which one? Aliens or Predator 2? I wasn't talking about Aliens vs. Predator, if that's what you were thinking.

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Actually, quite good. Got a girl interested in me, losing weight, going through school and meeting friends. All in all it should be fantastic.

 

Problem is muh stupid brain and its angsty-anxiety issues. 

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23 minutes ago, KVELLER said:

 

Which one? Aliens or Predator 2? I wasn't talking about Aliens vs. Predator, if that's what you were thinking.

 

Ah shit I forgot the movie. I was referring to Predator 2, Aliens 1986 is bad ass so no point asking about that :p .

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Both Aliens and Predator 2 are great. The latter is really underrated.

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5 minutes ago, Poncho said:

Both Aliens and Predator 2 are great. The latter is really underrated.

 

Especially when you look at the ratings here. In fact I daresay pretty much all Predator movies are great, but they're all very different from each other. The 2010 entry is even more underrated.

 

I'm so glad I cannot care less for ratings when I want to watch something. They're good to be aware of as well as what some people and critics say about them and their flaws, but none should influence the decision of whether you're going to watch it or not. I've managed to run into a few people who didn't watch certain movies because they took what others said for granted, and it's even worse when they consider their opinions as facts...

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The good: For the past several months I've been writing lots of music, with a purpose. I feel really good about that, usually.

 

The bad: Juggling a full-time day job with multiple freelance projects becomes very draining. There's less time and energy to spare for other things, frequently less sleep, and a lot of stress and internal turmoil when a day that was planned to be productive doesn't work out that way.

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53 minutes ago, Agent6 said:

Ah shit I forgot the movie. I was referring to Predator 2

 

I think it was pretty fun! I actually consider it to be on par with the first movie.

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17 minutes ago, KVELLER said:

 

I think it was pretty fun! I actually consider it to be on par with the first movie.

It's great, but the first is just so damn good.

 

Also, I like how this is turning into a movie thread.

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As of five days ago I've been doing slightly better since on that day Square came out, and my Kate plushie arrived. Yay.

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