How to stop taking defeats personally and start enjoying competitive games?

[Memfis]

I have a problem with competitive games. They are only fun when I win. If I lose, I start acting in a very childish manner: I take it very personally, like if the opponent is now a better person than me, and I feel pissed and humiliated. Perhaps this is related to my low self-esteem. Maybe I lack confidence so much that I need to "prove myself" by winning in some game, which seems stupid. But even though I realize that it's stupid the problem still exists and it prevents me from simply playing and having a good time. The only exception is playing with people I really like. Recently I lost in deathmatch to Evolution but I didn't have a problem with that, in fact the game was highly satisfying. I respect the guy, I'm not going to start swearing at him. But when the other player is a stranger... Cover your ears kids!

 

Uh, so... Anything I can do?

[CARRiON]

I'm a swear word tornado during competitive games, but I never feel pissed off with a lose unless it feels cheap as fuck. I remember one time in Counter-Strike it was me and another person left, and I found him with his back turned to me. So I emptied into him full-auto, but he didn't die and just turned around and shot me in the head. I was so mad I turned the computer off and left, lmao.

 

If you are a competitive person, it's just going to happen. You're into the game, you came to win, and when things go wrong you will express your frustrations. I think that's fine unless it reaches a point where you are breaking things or screaming at people over mic. At that point the only way to 'fix' it might be to just not play competitive online games. Or take a long break.

 

Try reminding yourself everyone is a stranger who probably doesn't give a damn who you are. Everyone that plays competitive games will feel the burn of being completely destroyed eventually, including the person that wiped the floor of you. Also maybe before even going into a game, remind yourself that you may lose, and it's fine? At the end of the day, it's just a game where random virtual people shoot and blow each other up. Remember that games are supposed to de-stress, not cause stress.

[rehelekretep]

 

[CarboxylicAcids]

If you win , the more you are compelled to continue on winning 

 

If you lose, the more you are compelled to win 

 

 

[fraggle]

I think you already identified it: don't play with strangers. This is good advice in general.

[Reisal]

By dropping your ego and start having fun. That's what games are for.

[Novaseer]

I've just stopped finding competitive games fun.

 

Hence why I turned to the singleplayer opportunities DOOM offered.

[Empyre]

8 minutes ago, Novaseer said:

I've just stopped finding competitive games fun.

 

Hence why I turned to the singleplayer opportunities DOOM offered.

Don't forget coop (or survival). It can be lots of fun. Hop onto either of my Zandronum servers, or anybody else's, and enjoy yourself.

[GarrettChan]

I pretty much agree with what Fraggle said.

 

If I move this to board games, I have the same feeling. Usually board games will have only one winner, so even second place counts as a lost. Therefore, I always go for the strategy that I may win even it's very low chance. However, due to the interaction nature in the board game, your strategy may influence others' places. Once there was a game, somebody said I'm a kingmaker because he was somewhat clearly in the lead, but the way I played made him second. Due to this, I pretty much hate playing competitive games (including video games) with strangers.

 

That's one of the reasons I usually enjoy single player games more.

[Doomkid]

Everyone is a stranger until you meet them.

 

I get "faux pissed" when I'm losing a deathmatch or duel, I'll be like "What the fuck! Oh, fuck you RNG! I'm rolling all 5's, he's rolling all 15's!" but for me, that overreacting is part of the fun and excitement. Soon as the round is over I accept my win or my defeat and don't take it personally at all. My advice is to try and use your loss as a reason to improve your abilities - rather than steaming over it, try to identify what your opponent did better, what you did that can be improved, etc. Thinking about it for just a couple minutes will subside the rage and ultimately lead to you becoming a better player, as instead of getting angry and walking off in a huff, you actually learn how to do it better next time around. Anyone as familiar with Doom and it's inner workings as you are, Memfis, should be able to easily identify where your tactics went wrong and how your opponent approached things more efficiently.

 

If you want to avoid strangers then say goodbye to 99% of your opportunities to play 'competitive' games online, Doom included. Also say goodbye to meeting cool/interesting other people who have a better grasp of the game than you do.. A lot of the time you can inadvertently build a strong rapport with another player by simply facing them often. It leads not only to improvement (you'll never get better if you never play against people who stomp you) but potentially leads to having a new buddy as well.

 

That's my take on it.

[Mayomancer]

The moment you start learning from the things you could have done better in games you lost and start trying to improve on how to deal with the bad situations (like bad teammates), defeat becomes more like a bitter lesson than humiliation.

[Battle_Korbi]

Woah, guys, you are blessed. I get the ragies even when winning. I dunno why. It just isn't satisfying, I feel like in some games the 1st place on the scoreboard was smeared with grease or something with the previous winner. It kinda feels dirty for me to either win or lose. The only time I do feel okay is when I cooperate: If it results in a victory, good job, everyone! If it results in a loss, good job everyone! If I have to work with someone toxic, I will feel bad even after winning repeatedly.

 

Guess psychology would call this case... well I dunno.

[Skeletonpatch]

I don't play competitive multiplayer very often anymore, but I used to play TF2 quite a bit. The way I always approached competitive games was simply to appreciate the wins and laugh at the losses. I never take any multiplayer matches seriously, I don't care if I win, I'm only trying to have fun. I'm not letting my (or anyone else's) performance get in the way of my fun. If me/my team are winning, awesome! If not, whatever! To be honest the only time I've ever been kicked from a server in TF2 was on one of the few occasions in which I was miraculously on top of the leader board (I didn't see any other reason for me to be vote-kicked), and rather than quitting in rage I just shrugged and joined a different server.

 

So for me at least, the key is to never take anything seriously in an online match; or anything competitive, really (whenever I play Monopoly I come up with an overly complex strategy that backfires in glorious fashion every time without fail). However, if someone is hacking or cheating in some way, that's when my Serious Shades^TM get whipped out and put on top of my prescription glasses with transition-lenses; that way you know I'm Super Serious^TM.

 

My brother is the opposite story though, thank god he's never played an online match in his life. He'd probably scream so loud that our neighbours (who all live at least a couple kilometres away in any given direction) would hear it and synchronously dial 911.

[Evolution]

You better not fucking swear at me either, memfis!

 

Fucker.

 

It's tricky to understand the mindset of players who kick off with other players after losing - but it's obviously not a healthy mindset, and seems to take over from a proper reflection where they could have been considering what they did wrong and what their foes did right to improve their game.

 

I've lost a lot of games man, plenty that I should have won as well had it not been for my own stupidity. They're the games that still haunt me if I try and remember my losses.

 

You have to roll with the punches, and congratulate your foe - win or lose - for they only help your gain more experience and knowledge. So pretty much what has been said. You couldn't have won that Tournament just like I couldn't have. But we made the whole event work and we gained from it.

 

From the viewpoint of somebody who's aiming to build a community back up and get some good competitive games flowing again, fraggle's recommendation of only playing with friends is disappointing to read. If you want to get better as a player then meet and fight new coolbros, and keep the scene alive and well. If there's toxic players you don't like, chances are others don't like them too. You can avoid those once they've been identified.

Edited April 7, 2018 by Evolution : typo

[mrthejoshmon]

I have a flair for the dramatic so if I'm streaming or with someone I'll ham it up and try and make the situation comical, if I'm alone I try my best to find out why I suck so much dick at the game and try to analyse where it all went wrong.

 

Doing the analytics part actually leaves me kind of upset as it makes you realise how sad what you're doing really is.

[DooM_RO]

I never ever get pissed in single player games or PVE games like WoW, even if I wipe every time on a boss encounter.

 

Competitive games on the other hand...boy do they bring out the worst in me, which is why I don't really play them.

[ScreechingBoner]

I don't play too many comp games at all. The only ones I can really think of are TF2 and Paladins (Quake 3 with bots is basically SP, so it doesn't count). My reactions usually differ by a wide margin.

 

In TF2 I'm usually one of the weakest links due to my slow reaction speed and lack of played hours (and thus experience) compared to the more devoted players. I can't aim quickly as a Scout so I miss the majority of my shots, can't properly RP or sneak as a Spy, mostly go full W+M1 on Pyro, can't rocket jump etc. Usually I can only help out as a medic, and it helps that he's pretty fun to play, especially when the team hits a choke point and you become das Übermensch in the eyes of your (hopefully grateful) team. So in TF2 I usually treat every game as a learning experience, since I have no right to get pissed 'till I git gud.

 

In Paladins though... Never played Ranked, but Casual games can be really frustrating on their own. I already got the hang of some heroes (mostly healers), but when a team wipe happens I can't do much alone before five opponents rip me to shreds. I'm fine with losing a close call game, but when all of my team is obviously absolutely inept (bonus points if two of them pick snipers and by that virtue never touch the objective/payload) or when a particular opponent keeps kicking my ass time and time again I do tend to get really tilted and vent in the chat.

[Reaper8888]

It can be tough. We all want to win, but there is only so much winning to go around. I think the best method is to just enjoy the process of improvement.

[Memfis]

Ok, I can't do this anymore. Too frustrating. Playing against another human doesn't feel like playing, it feels like being tested by someone who really wants to find all your flaws and exploit them. It's a psychological torture. I'm too weak for chess.

[Chezza]

I use to have a terrible rage issue and vast majority of it was my fault. I played multiplayer games that weren't balanced and developed a large personal ego with them. 2 monitors and 3 mice later, I consciously observed my behavior and also got a full time job to keep me distant from it all.

 

I start with a game just for the fun. I get beaton and that's fine and fun. I admire all the skilled players and eager to give them a good game. Eventually I get quite good, excelling beyond the average player. I never back out of challenging situations and learn from them. At this point I do care about winning but not greatly.

 

But then comes recognition from others or even earn exclusive content making me stand out. Then the ego kicks in. People knowing who I am without me having a clue who they are is kind of like being a celebrity. A minimal expectation of me performing very well or winning all the time is formed in my own head. If I get outdone and my opponents are toxic then it's the perfect recipe for anger.

 

The games I always got into at this level always weren't balanced and it's unreasonable to expect consistency.

[Woolie Wool]

For me getting my ass destroyed again and again by people who've been playing the game for years is just depressing, and while I'm able to suck it up for a while, I gave up on MechWarrior Online after 50 matches or so because it just became an utterly joyless, miserable experience to barely cling to a 0.25 K/D ratio and other players seemed to instinctively sense my weakness and single me out in a group with other players.

 

Fuck that, and fuck the whole competitive mindset in general. I remember when I first heard of "esports" around 15 years ago, my immediate reaction was "who would ruin a perfectly good video game by making a sport out of it?". Still feel that way.

[Lila Feuer]

Funnily enough, I don't really get mad at other people so much as I get mad at their in-game characters, and I associate them with their virtual avatar to boot, so it becomes personified. Beating their main is in effect beating them, but also feels like just defeating a really dangerous, sometimes really cheap enemy in a single player game. I guess I just hate someone in-universe rather than in real life then.

E: As long as I can kill them once, it's good enough for me, to be truly beaten is to never stand a chance, and that's the real torment.

[Master O]

On 4/6/2018 at 4:03 PM, Memfis said:

I have a problem with competitive games. They are only fun when I win. If I lose, I start acting in a very childish manner: I take it very personally, like if the opponent is now a better person than me, and I feel pissed and humiliated. Perhaps this is related to my low self-esteem. Maybe I lack confidence so much that I need to "prove myself" by winning in some game, which seems stupid. But even though I realize that it's stupid the problem still exists and it prevents me from simply playing and having a good time. The only exception is playing with people I really like. Recently I lost in deathmatch to Evolution but I didn't have a problem with that, in fact the game was highly satisfying. I respect the guy, I'm not going to start swearing at him. But when the other player is a stranger... Cover your ears kids!

 

Uh, so... Anything I can do?

 

Go play fighting games online and start swearing like a sailor? [/joking]

[mrthejoshmon]

37 minutes ago, cyan0s1s said:

... to be truly beaten is to never stand a chance, and that's the real torment.

A feeling I'm all too familiar with, to quote a friend "like fighting a tsunami with nothing but your face and backup from Team Special Education", which is exactly how it feels TBH.

[Lila Feuer]

Like taking on Mike Tyson with your hands tied behind your back.

[mrthejoshmon]

Well that's certainly a much cleaner, elegant and straight forward analogy.

 

Still hurts though.

[Pure Hellspawn]

 

On 4/6/2018 at 4:03 PM, Memfis said:

I have a problem with competitive games. They are only fun when I win. If I lose, I start acting in a very childish manner: I take it very personally, like if the opponent is now a better person than me, and I feel pissed and humiliated. Perhaps this is related to my low self-esteem. Maybe I lack confidence so much that I need to "prove myself" by winning in some game, which seems stupid. But even though I realize that it's stupid the problem still exists and it prevents me from simply playing and having a good time. The only exception is playing with people I really like. Recently I lost in deathmatch to Evolution but I didn't have a problem with that, in fact the game was highly satisfying. I respect the guy, I'm not going to start swearing at him. But when the other player is a stranger... Cover your ears kids!

 

Uh, so... Anything I can do?

 

Being competitive is a personality trait. Some people have fun being competitive - regardless of outcome. But regardless of what happens, everyone loses at some point. There is always someone better than you and even if you are the world champion; you will still lose sometimes.

 

My advice is to play casually. Competition is fun - but if you start swearing and having meltdowns over losing deathmatch games to a stranger than it's not for you. Was that deathmatch even ranked or rated in someway?

 

Source: I play casual chess. A lot of the more serious players obsess about their ELO rating. To them, "Losing ten rating points is like losing ten pints of blood".

[Bucket]

Intentionally give yourself a handicap, then you have something to blame. Revel in knowing that people will never know your true strength.

Also, never play on Normal difficulty. I use Easy when I want the story, and Hard when I want a challenge.

[CARRiON]

9 hours ago, Woolie Wool said:

Fuck that, and fuck the whole competitive mindset in general. I remember when I first heard of "esports" around 15 years ago, my immediate reaction was "who would ruin a perfectly good video game by making a sport out of it?". Still feel that way.

 

If I could train myself to focus on one game and get exponentially better and better at it to the point I could get paid to sit on my ass and play it, I would.

 

Unfortunately, I like video games too much to stick to just one. Sigh. If I had to choose a game to do that with though, it would probably be Street Fighter. I'm already interested in the technical side of fighters.

[seed]

11 hours ago, Woolie Wool said:

For me getting my ass destroyed again and again by people who've been playing the game for years is just depressing, and while I'm able to suck it up for a while, I gave up on MechWarrior Online after 50 matches or so because it just became an utterly joyless, miserable experience to barely cling to a 0.25 K/D ratio and other players seemed to instinctively sense my weakness and single me out in a group with other players.

 

Fuck that, and fuck the whole competitive mindset in general. I remember when I first heard of "esports" around 15 years ago, my immediate reaction was "who would ruin a perfectly good video game by making a sport out of it?". Still feel that way.

 

I second this. I used to look at e-sports as something amazing in the past, until I started playing some competitive games myself, most notably CS:GO. I do wish e-sports never became such a big thing, and not because I despise it in itself, but due to the people who play competitive oriented titles. Make video games great again...

 

From my experience, it's only fun as long as you don't run into a bunch of losers who think of themselves as some future "professional" (farts) or "ultra skilled players" who will only ruin the entire experience for you, which is why I can only recommend playing such titles with friends/squads, it makes losing much more bearable, especially when everyone is doing their best to win and you're not the only one who's trying. But if it ultimately doesn't work, my advice, stop playing them, from my experience it's not worth it and doesn't pay off at all, there's other kinds of games out there that are well worth the time than to endlessly get pissed off here and ruin your mental health.