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Posted (edited)

Ah, yes, another "Tell us some jokes" thread.

I searched and the latest one I could find was from five years ago.

So if you have some jokes you think are funny, share them!

 

Attention: Keep it tasteful! Things like cancer, school shootings, racism, terrorism, child abuse of any kind, and the like are not funny, do not post that here.

Rule of thumb: if you wouldn't tell it to your grandmother, you shouldn't tell it here.

 

Here's one I told on Twitch the other day:

Stanley Kubrick faked the moon landing, but he was such a perfectionist, that he demanded it actually be shot on the moon.

 

One of my favorite "walks into a bar" jokes:

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

A biologist, chemist, and mathematician joke:

A biologist, chemist, and mathematician are walking through a neighborhood when they see two people walk into a house and three walk back out.

The biologist says, "They have reproduced."

The chemist says, "The products are not equal to the reactants."

The mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty."

Edited by Aquila Chrysaetos : Apparently my rule wasn't clear enough.

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From Tumblr:

"I haven't eaten an apple in days. The doctors are closing in. My barricade won't last much longer. They're coming. Tell my family I love them."

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Heisenberg and Schrodinger were on a road trip when a policeman pulls them over and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, but I can tell you exactly where we were." The policeman decides that is suspicious enough for further investigation, so he inspects the trunk, and returns to the window and asks "Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger replies "We do now!"

 

There is no place like 127.0.0.1

 

Descartes orders a drink at a bar, and when he finishes, the bartender asks, "Do you want another?" He replies "I think not", but then screams "Wait, no!" as he vanishes.

 

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitant.

 

A rope enters a bar, but the bartender exclaims "We don't serve your kind here!" The rope goes outside, thrashes around violently for a few minutes, and returns. The bartender asks "Weren't you just here?" "I'm a frayed knot."

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Want an easy way to walk on water? Put some Jesus tape at the bottom of your shoe/foot.

 

(I find this one to work better in my native language because the actual English translation would be "duct tape" instead of "Jesus tape", so I had to intentionally "mistranslate" it in a way.)

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Yo saw this one in an AskReddit thread and laughed my ass off. 

 

So a man went to the market and bought 2999 apples.

When he came home with all the apples, his friend asked him: "Yo why didn't you just buy 3000?" 

And this guy replies: "Are you crazy? Who the hell's gonna eat three thousand apples?" 

 

I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. 

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Well, I see in the rule of this thread about if you can't tell your grandmother the joke then you shouldn't share it here.  Well, I recently told my grandmother this one, so I'm good to go right?

 

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

 

A: A picture of Jesus only needs one nail to hang up. 

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Not exactly a joke, but being able to trigger Ryan Schott live on stream was funny.  :D

 

 

 

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On 7/29/2018 at 4:44 PM, Aquila Chrysaetos said:

Attention: Keep it tasteful! Things like cancer, school shootings, racism, terrorism, and the like are not funny, do not post that here.

Rule of thumb: if you wouldn't tell it to your grandmother, you shouldn't tell it here.

Looks like i am not welcome here :'(

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Typical Hungarian jokes include the following:

A little rattlesnake asks his mother:
- Mommy, are we venomous snakes?
- Yes, dearie.
- Um, then there's a problem.
- What is it?
- I just bit my tongue...

A man decides to become a Zen buddhist. He has to move in a cloister far away from civilization and is only allowed to speak two words per an entire year when the master calls him.
One year passes and he comes to see his master.
- Hard bed. - he says.
Another one year goes by.
- Bad food.
After the third year passes, the master sees him again.
- Leaving now. - he claims.
- You better be. - the master answers. - You've been complaining since you've come here.

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Q: How are apples and lawyers alike?

 

A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

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Here's a dumb one:

 

If you're trapped in a well, You yourself are not well, but everything around you is well.

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Here are some jokes that are so old that they might be new to you:

 

There was a milk truck with a sign that says "All we have we owe to udders."

Did you hear about the cow that couldn't give milk? She was an udder failure.

Did you dear about the cow that tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

Did you hear about the cow that gave buttermilk? What else could she give but 'er milk?

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Definitely going to hell for this one!

 

Q: What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old boy?

 

A: Eric Clapton would never have let a bag of cocaine fall out a window. 

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What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe?

 

- Roberto.

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Posted (edited)

So a Mexican, an American, and a Chinese man are in a boat...

 

Suddenly the rowboat starts taking in water. The three men theorize there is too much mass on the boat, and realize they have to get rid of some of their cargo, particularly something they have too much of in their country. The chinese man throws overboard 12 crates full of cheap, broken merchandise made in China. However, the boat continues sinking. The mexican man then throws 12 crates of automobile and farming equipment overboard. Regardless, the boat continues to sink. The American then grabs the Mexican;

 

He asks the Mexican, who is now very startled, what he can throw overboard. The men agree to drop the decommissioned 747 jet engine they have laying in their rowboat, which considerably lowers the weight of the boat. It didn't matter though , as the boat was sinking because there was a hole in the side, not because there was too much mass.

 

The boat slowly went down, and the water rose, until the men were nearly underwater. Luckily, they were only rowing in a lake, which due to the recent drought, was only three feet deep. They got out, walked to shore, and lived happily ever after. The three executives congratulate each other on finding such an effective, irresponsible way to dispose of their corporate waste.

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/AntiAntiJokes/

 

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Posted (edited)

Three men were on the roof of a skyscraper. The first man says "This building is designed so the wind blowing up its side will catch anybody who falls off of it." The second man says "No way!", so the first man replies "Here, let me show you." He steps off the edge and floats back up, gently landing on the roof. The second man exclaims, "I've got to try that!", so he steps off and falls to his death. The third man observes "You're a mean drunk, Superman!"

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There were these three pencils that went into a brothel. The madame looked them over and told the HB that it would be twenty quid. The 2H would have to pay thirty quid. Wear and tear, you know. Then she turned to the pop-a-point. "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here". Shocked, the pop-a-point started to explain how he never needed sharpening and was completely mess-free, but the madame interrupted him to explain: "You can't get a rubber on a pop-a-point".

 

[Source: "Think of a joke starting 'There were these three pencils...' contest", Cambridge University, 1987]

 

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Q: Why did Steve Irwin love to wear sun block?

 

A: He thought it would protect him from harmful rays. 

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What did a Pizza slice said to another Pizza slice?

Nothing because pizzas doesn't talk and you are more high on drugs than a hippie.

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What does a sniper and a very talented magician have in common?

 

They both like to blow people's minds.

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Two muffins are in an oven. 

 

One muffin says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"

 

The second says "Holy shit a talking muffin" 

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My favorite Dad joke.

 

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?".

The bartender replies "No, we don't have any grapes."

The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks into the bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says "No, we don't have any grapes, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the wall!"

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies "No, I don't have any nails."

The duck says "Oh, okay... do you have any grapes?"

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