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Aquila Chrysaetos

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Q: Why do retired Marines love becoming bakers?

 

A: It gives them an excuse to keep slicing the pie. 

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A father was so caught up in preparing his daughter's 8th birthday party, he forgot to get her a present. He asked her, "Sweetheart, what's the one thing you want for your birthday more than anything?"

The little girl thought for a minute. She said, "Daddy, what I want for my birthday more than anything is a Barbie and a GI Joe."

The father thought for a minute, puzzled. "Barbie and a GI Joe? But Barbie comes with Ken!"

The little girl gawked. "No, Daddy, she FAKES it with Ken! She REALLY comes with GI Joe!"

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On 8/11/2018 at 11:27 AM, Jello said:

My favorite Dad joke.

  

A duck walks into a bar

Watch this

 

A rabbit walks into a bakery and asks "Do you have carrot pie?"

The bakery dudes say "No".

 

The next day, the rabbit walks into the bakery again and asks about the carrot pie.

The bakery dudes say "no" again.

 

This goes on for another two days when the bakery dudes decide to finally make the rabbit a carrot pie.

 

The next day, the rabbit walks in and asks again "Do you have carrot pie?"

The bakery dudes cheerfully say "Yes we do have carrot pie!!"

 

The rabbit says "That thing is yuck amirite??"

 

(I really don't know how to translate the punchline properly.)

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A Korean, a Vietnamese and a Russian end up at hospital, treated for broken bones after freak vehicle accidents.
The Korean is asked what happened to him.
- Ride Yamaha. Go two hundred. No see tree, crash. Ouch.
The Vietnamese gives this answer:
- Ride Honda. Go two hundred ten. No see ditch, fall over. Ouch.
Then they proceed to ask the Russian, too...
- Ride biiiiig Riga. Go seventy. Korean, Vietnamese go by fast. Think stand still, get off. Ouch.

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More Hungarian ones, this time a bit on the NSFW side:

Little Stevie plays in the kindergarten yard. Peeking over the fence he notices two dogs on the other side of the street, one climbing the other's back. He asks the teacher:
- Miss, what do those two doggies do?
The teacher tries to respond in a child-appropriate content:
- You know Stevie, the dog on top broke his front legs so the other helps him get to the hospital...
Stevie remarks:
- How practical, in the meantime they're also having sex!

The poor man already has five children and works hard to feed all those mouths. Not so long after a sixth child is born, and in his helplessness he decides to see the little forest elf for his wise advice. He makes all his complaints and the elf suggests:
- Rasp a carrot and then eat it, repeat every day!
So the poor man does what the elf said, nine months later the seventh child is born. He runs about the elf again.
- Rasp and eat radish as well!
The poor man makes his routine include all the carrot and radish-related tasks, and still, the eighth child arrives just another nine months later.
- Add rasped beetroot to your salad, too! - the elf advises thirdly.
He does so, vegetables make all his day and night - and the ninth child sees the light of the day. He has completely ran out of ideas and confronts the elf about it.
The elf wrinkles his forehead suspecting something.
- Say, poor man, do you regularly have sex with your woman?
- Yes, I do.
The little forest elf grabs his head and yells:
- OH NOOO, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO!!

Edited by Cell

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That's fine, Cell, those are funny. Notice that Doominator at the top posted a similar joke.

 

I have to share this one NeedHealth said in the "Who Else Here Isn't an Adult Except Me" thread.

4 hours ago, NeedHealth said:

I am so old I have taken to gardening for incoming. However business is not blooming so I'm basically pushing daisies now.

 

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"Mommy, why can I only walk in circles?"

 

"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

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"Son, come inside it's raining."

"But mom it's raining outside too."

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Just a heads up that this joke is going into 3rd grade territory.

 

"Yo mama so fat that when she jumped in the pool, they discovered water on Mars."

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Maybe so, but I love a good "your mom" joke.

 

"Yo mama is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck."

"Yo mama is so ugly that she looked out a window and was arrested for mooning."

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Why did the chicken CAT cross the road?

There was a toilet on the other side and this chicken CAT needed to take a shit after eating 7 Taco Bell Bean and cheese burritos

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On 8/23/2018 at 7:14 AM, Doominator2 said:

Just a heads up that this joke is going into 3rd grade territory.

 

"Yo mama so fat that when she jumped in the pool, they discovered water on Mars."

Yo mama so old, her maiden name is Asaurus.

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Hey did you hear about the new Michael Jackson special at Wal-Mart?

 

Yeah, all kid's pants are half off. 

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3 hours ago, Maser said:

Hey did you hear about the new Michael Jackson special at Wal-Mart?

 

Yeah, all kid's pants are half off. 

 

Thats not funny. Not funny at all, and extremely bad taste. dont disrespect the dead.

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Man reading a horror novel in Braille: "Something terrible is going to happen. I can feel it!"

 

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

.

.

.

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

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Q: Why is Caitlyn Jenner such a great mascot for cereal?

 

A: Both Wheaties and Froot Loops get represented. 

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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