Share Your Jokes

[pigherp64]

Q: What do you call an 8 legged cat?

 

A: An octopuss. 

[bonnie]

A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball.

So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again.

A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' 

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. 

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls.

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have. 

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls. 

The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. 

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday. 

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.' 

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.' 

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls. 

The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again. 

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday. 

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.' 

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?' 

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed. 

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.' 

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls. 

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared. 

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?' 

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.' 

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. 

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. 

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.' 

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. 

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home. 

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left. 

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong. 

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.' 

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. 

The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there. 

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.' 

That night, the son spent on board the tanker. 

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy. 

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital. 

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?' 

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.' 

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.' 

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.' 

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk. 

Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.

The son nodded weakly. 

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room. 

Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested. 

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter. 

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth. 

`I- I-' 
 

Spoiler

Then he died. 

[Kristian Nebula]

If you're ever involved in any sort of criminal activity, you should always be stocked up with enough of popcorn as it helps to keep you sustained and feeling like a rockstar in the middle of the cop porn that often follows it!

[Aquila Chrysaetos]

One day I called Father Time because I needed to speak to him.

He picked up the phone and asked, "What did you need to discuss?"

I said, "It's about time."

[Empyre]

Green is my favorite color. I like it more than blue and yellow combined!

 

Q. Why do navy ships in Norway have bar codes on their sides?

A. So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

That's a nice ham you have there. It would be a shame if somebody added an S before it and an E after it.

[jval]

Salesman: We have high quality and low prices, which do you prefer?

[GamingMarine]

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

[HorrorMovieRei]

[Doominator2]

*Plays guitar with a block of cheese*

 

"Hey guys look I'm Eddie Cheddar"

[The_MártonJános]

A man walks in the bar and orders a beer.
While in there, he looks around and suddenly, spots a Chinese man next to him sipping beer from a jug.
He asks him:
- Say, do you do any martial arts? Jiu Jutsu, Wing Tsun Kung Fu, Taekwondo, etc.?
The Chinese gets mad and responds:
- Are you asking me because I am an Asian and so I should do any of these?
- No, I am asking because you are drinking my beer!

[Saad356]

A real incident occured to me yesterday

My Shitty friend:Your dick is like a tic tac

Spoiler

Me:No wonder your mom's mouth smells so fresh

Friends around me:OOOOOOOOOO!!YOU GOT ROASTED,SON!

[HorrorMovieRei]

And now a couple of my favorites:

 

What do you call a zombie with a cellphone?

Spoiler

A dead ringer!

 

My family is like a treasure!

Spoiler

I need a shovel and a map to find them

 

What did the cannibal say to the other after they ate a clown?

Spoiler

This guy tastes a little funny...

 

[The_MártonJános]

Another race joke, an oldie but goodie.

A black man says to a white man:
- So, white man! Let's settle a couple of things:
When I'm born, I'm black, and I remain black as I grow up. I'll keep my black tone after a hot sunbathe, or during I'm freezing with cold. I'm black while I'm afraid, and also while I'm sick. Even when deceased, I still keep on being black.
But! When you're born, you're pink. Then you grow up and you'll become fair. You'll turn red after a hot summer afternoon out in the sunshine, and you'll turn blue when you're caught in an ice cold blizzard. While trembling with fear, your complexion becomes yellow-ish. Usually, you're green when you go down with an illness, and if you die, you'll turn grey.
And you dare call me a person of color?!

[kinker31]

Wanna hear a joke?

Spoiler

Too bad, Tumblr might take it seriously.

 

What's a vampire's favorite boat?

Spoiler

A night-time cruise ship!

 

What's black, white, and red all over?

Spoiler

Whatever it is, you're banned from Antarctica.

 

How do you tell the difference between an apple and a bag of Skittles?

Spoiler

You don't know? Then I'm not sending you to the grocery store!

 

Roses are red

Violets are red

The garden's on fire

Send help

 

Roses are blue

Violets are red

I have to go to the bathroom

 

How do you tell if there's an elephant in your garden?

Spoiler

Your plumbing stops working.

 

[masterplumber]

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
 

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
 

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Loud Silence]

Some guy in "The Elder Scrolls: Arena" tavern said: "I'm not as think as you drink i am".

[The_MártonJános]

Cruel&nasty.

Girl asks boy: - Say, how much do you love me?
Boy answers: - As much as many stars are shining in the sky up above.
Girl remarks: - But... it's daytime.
Boy says: - Exactly.

[Maser]

So I've been reading this amazing book about the laws of anti-gravity.  I can't seem to put it down! 

[Maser]

Q: What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

 

A: The wheelchair. 

[BigBoy91]

My dad's favorite:

 

Two guys see a dog licking his balls.

The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

The second guy replies, "Maybe you should try petting him first."

[⇛Marnetmar⇛]

There's two kinds of people: those who need closure

[kinker31]

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

...

...

...

...

Java!

[Doominator2]

 

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

 

[Loud Silence]

True story: Some years ago me with two former classmates were about to go to little festival in our town. One were sober (A), another slightly drunk (B). We were walking to store first and they were talking, (A) called (B) a slut few times for joke or to just annoy, (B) ignored that. We reached store and were standing in line, they still were talking. (A) called (B) slut again and he finally got angry about it, said it's not good to call him like that. Mature lady were standing behind us and (A) (while pointing to (B)) asked her: "does (B) looks like slut?" She with smile in face said no. (B) said to (A): "see? She does not think that i look like slut". (A) answered: "Not looks is most important..." Me, (A) and that mature lady were die laughing for few minutes. I was surprised that a mature woman had such good humor and understanding.

[Mister Xiado]

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler

It's a really obscure number; you've probably never heard of it.

 

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler

This joke has to be told in person, or over voice chat. When the other party even starts to venture a guess, interrupt excitedly with HEY WANNA GO RIDE BIKES?!

 

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

Spoiler

He drank coffee before it was cool.

 

If you're attracted to baked goods, does that make you a breadophile?

 

If you're choking on purple soda, do you have grape aspirations?

 

Would the passcode to my old iPhone be called the secret to my 6s?

 

My teacher politically corrected my test. All of the differently-correct answers were circled with Native-American pen.

 

Why is it called it a unicorn, and not a hornse?

 

 

[Jason]

Dog: Wanna know my favourite story of the Bible?
Owner: I don't read the bible, but go ahead.
Dog: Noah's ARF!

People must get sick a lot in Germany. I mean, the country's literally called germany!

Roses are pink 
Violets are whatever colour they wanna be
But that doesn't matter
Because realistically you could find that out yourself without me

 

[-TDRR-]

Error 759: Keyboard not found. Initiating self-destruction sequence, press any key to abort.

[scalliano]

If rocket scientist are so smart, why do they count backwards?

[Maser]

Q: Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

 

A: Because it wasn't born yesterday. 

[Hellbent]

On 8/15/2018 at 4:02 PM, Cell said:

A Korean, a Vietnamese and a Russian end up at hospital, treated for broken bones after freak vehicle accidents.
The Korean is asked what happened to him.
- Ride Yamaha. Go two hundred. No see tree, crash. Ouch.
The Vietnamese gives this answer:
- Ride Honda. Go two hundred ten. No see ditch, fall over. Ouch.
Then they proceed to ask the Russian, too...
- Ride biiiiig Riga. Go seventy. Korean, Vietnamese go by fast. Think stand still, get off. Ouch.

I think you meant A Korean, A Vietnamese and a Pol. 

 

On my last job I facilitated people with special needs. One day my girlfriend got off work early so I had her come over to my place of work because I thought she might find it fun: we were working on an art project. She was kinda being a ditz, though; kept fussing around in her purse, doing her makeup. At one point she asks me to pass her lipstick. By that time I'm pretty annoyed with her, and I accidentally hand her a glue stick instead. She still isn't talking to me. In case you're wondering, yes, she is blonde. On the ride home I told her she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

 

Now I'm a bank teller. Or I was up until a few hours ago.... Today at the bank, an old lady asks me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.