Share Your Jokes

[Foodles]

So I had to quit my job as a personal trainer recently - they said I wasn't strong enough.

I said OK and handed in my too weak notice

[MFG38]

I heard a good golf joke yesterday but I fore-get how it goes.

[⇛Marnetmar⇛]

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

 

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

[Hellbent]

A priest, a cowboy and an alien enter a bar.

The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

[Kepehn]

1 - What does a prison and a church have in common?

 

Spoiler

Now? Everything!!!

 

 

2- You know why my face turns red when she touch me?

 

Spoiler

It hurts! Drop that knife!!!

 

 

3 - Do you know why my twin brother is imitating me?

 

Spoiler

Stop drinking alcohol! You're seeing me in double!

 

 

4 - What is 660 + 6?

 

Spoiler

I don't care! Stay away from me!!!

 

 

5 - What's the difference between Windows and Linux?

 

Spoiler

Without windows your view is limited!

 

 

6 - Do you know what means a pistol in my hand?

 

Spoiler

Time for you to rest my friend! :)

 

 

My 6 *cough*, 6 stupid jokes, don't take so serious the 6th one. Wait, did I said 6 three times!? Oh! It was 4 times, what a relief!

Edited February 25, 2019 by Kepehn

[Hellbent]

An Incubus, a Succubus and a Mancubus enter a bar. The Incubus and Succubus exchange looks. Seeing this, the Mancubus suspects he's the odd demon out of the three, and so does the only thing he knows: unloads his rockets in the direction of the other two demons, setting the bar on fire and barbecuing everyone inside. Damn it, he thought. I was really looking forward to having a drink.

 

At my old elementary school there was a kidnapping, and all the parents got worked up over it. When the kid woke up, he was fine. 

[Hellbent]

http://angband.oook.cz/comic/strip.php?view=7

 

[Hellbent]

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

[DoomKid423]

What happens when you drink coke and drive?

 

 

 

 

 

CARbonation.

[Hellbent]

[Empyre]

Why was an atom in jail?   It was caught stealing electrons and was charged.

[kinker31]

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, and Welshman walk into a bar.

You think they would've looked where they were going.

[Doominator2]

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

[baja blast rd.]

Did you hear about the disturbance at the tennis court?!

 

Spoiler

There was a lot of racket. 

 

[Seidolon]

On 7/29/2018 at 7:44 AM, Aquila Chrysaetos said:

Attention: Keep it tasteful! Things like cancer, school shootings, racism, terrorism, child abuse of any kind, and the like are not funny, do not post that here.

Rule of thumb: if you wouldn't tell it to your grandmother, you shouldn't tell it here.

I had no idea you were the arbitrator of what's funny and isn't.

 

What do you call it when Michael Bay eats too much taco bell and has a bathroom emergency?

Spoiler

Explosive Diarrhea.

 

Edited July 26, 2019 by Seidolon

[baja blast rd.]

Why did the mime cross the road?

 

Spoiler

It goes without saying. 

 

[RonnieJamesDiner]

Why do cows have bells?

 

Spoiler

Their horns don't work.

 

[JadingTsunami]

Billy was a chemist's son,

But Billy is no more,

What Billy thought was H²O

Was H²SO⁴

 

 

It's old enough it probably existed alongside the mastodon, but I like it.

[GamingMarine]

Quoting my all-time favorite comedian, George Carlin, here...

"A cure for apathy has recently been discovered by scientists. Unfortunately, no one seems to show the slightest bit of interest in it."

[Hellbent]

For some reason I'm reading Harry Potter, so I'm quoting Miss Rowling, here as I thought this was quite funny...

 

'So top grade's "O" for "Outstanding",' Hermione was saying, 'and then there's "A"--'

'No, "E",' George corrected her, '"E" for "Exceeds Expectations". And I've always thought Fred and I should've got "E" in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams.'

 

And here's one from a bumper sticker I saw recently: If you want a stable relationship, get a horse.

[seed]

Some black humour:

 

Spoiler

"So I've tried to kill myself today,

Never doing that shit again, I almost died."

 

[The_MártonJános]

In the city of Simpletonia, a typical Simpletonian citizen enters the shop of the Simpletonian watchmaker and asks him:
- Excuse me, sir, could you tell me what time it is?
The Simpletonian watchmaker reaches for his holding bag, but owing to the fact that he's a Simpletonian, accidentally knocks it over while doing so, making it land on the floor. Not before retrieving it he proceeds to search its pockets, eventually getting hold of his smart phone the screen of which, much to his chagrin, have shattered from the fall, rendering it unfunctional in the process and him unable to tell the current time according to their timezone.
- Sorry sir, I cannot.
Uttering a goodbye, the Simpletonian citizen leaves the Simpletonian watchmaker's.

^{One of the typical Hungarian "tiring/tiresome" jokes.}

[taufan99]

Indonesian weed joke time! Yes, they exist.

 

Why do rice and weed taste good?

Because they are both sativa. (Rice: oryza sativa, weed: cannabis sativa.)

[Archanhell]

What does a pudding say to another pudding?

Nothing because puddings don't talk and if you think they do, you should stop drugging yourself.

 

ik im funny thanks

[Doom_Dude]

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

[Gokuma]

What's the best thing about pooping with the door open?

The looks on the people's faces in Starbucks.

unless you're in California, then they're used to it.

[Doom_Dude]

Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side.

[Gez]

Why did the chicken cross the woad?

 

A long history of being hen-Pict.

[snapshot]

Why is Dark spelled with a K?

 

Because you can't C in the dark.

^{I'll C myself out}

 

Cremation

 

My final hope for a smokin' hot body.

 

What's the one thing snipers can't tell to their wives?

 

I missed you today.

 

On 8/8/2018 at 5:21 PM, Maser said:

Definitely going to hell for this one!

 

Q: What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old boy?

 

A: Eric Clapton would never have let a bag of cocaine fall out a window. 

 

lol

[baja blast rd.]

warning: horrible

 

A biker fell and scraped her leg badly and walked into a nearby inn and asked for help.

 

"Sorry we don't have peroxide but you can look around for what you need," the innkeeper said.

 

"Okay," she said, and looked around for what she needed.

 

The innkeeper came back a few minutes later. "Got 'em?"

 

"Yes, I guess this might work," the biker said, holding up an object that will remain suspiciously unspecified, then the innkeeper immediately grabbed it out of her hand.

 

"Whoa!"

 

"No."

 

"Bleurhg."

 

"Nope."

 

"Why?"

 

"You don't want to add," the innkeeper said, donning a pair of sunglasses, and shaking the object onto a plate of fries and taking a bite of one, "inn salt to injury."