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crazyflyingdonut

I've been feeling very sad.

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I've been feeling really depressed lately, which is why I took a long break from posting.

 

Every time I post something, people get mad at me for one reason or another. It's always something.

 

I have no idea what to post anymore. I have tried contributing to the Doom community, and my only map ended up being bad.

 

I think it's time that I admit that I have denied for a really long time that I am just simply not creative in any way, shape, or form.

 

I have tried to make myself feel creative, but... it has just never been there. There has never been any motivation for me to make any maps, yet I felt like I should.

 

I have always felt like I was required to contribute to the Doom community, but I've never had much motivation to do so.

 

Since the last time I posted, I have been really depressed. I cried several times during that time period. And I never told anyone about it either, until now.

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Crazyflyingdonut I barely post on topics to because some of the them might not be of my interest an I am sorry that you are sad an plus people barely see me post  because the amount of topics are just not interested but my friend I hope you feel better :)

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My advice is post less threads, post threads if you honesty feel it can contribute some entertainment or interesting conversations relevant to the community. Sometimes some checks for already existing threads are in order.

 

More importantly, don't take Doom posts so seriously as being depressed and crying from internet comments is worse than crying over spilled milk.

 

Just contribute some comments, answering and asking some questions is contributing too.

 

There is no pressure here, your putting it on yourself. Be happy.

Edited by Chezza

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Do not cry over something on the Internet. Go out for a walk or something. Play Doom, make maps, make fan art, write crossover fan fiction between Doom and Contra. Find an outlet to channel how you feel that you can grow with and turn into a skill.

 

If you were truly a terrible poster, you would have been run out of here a long time ago. Plus, we can block out users that we don't want to see.

 

You don't have to contribute. Some of us just obsessively shit post for our own amusement.

 

If you truly feel the need to contribute without knowing what to say... ask a question:

 - Which Dom guy would you rather be?

 - What is a better weapon in Doom 3 than Doom 1?

 - Why does John Romero keep his hair long?

 - Would Doom 3 have been better in the Quake engine?

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Crying is a totally healthy and natural emotional response to the challenges of life. One of the things I find most un-healthy about being a Man is the whole "boys don't cry" bullshit. Fuck that garbage. Healthy boys do in fact cry, and if you don't it's probably because you are stuffing your emotions into a dusty box rather than because you are just sooo happy and have no feelings of despair or helplessness or whatever. And when you stifle your emotions, it's much more difficult to confront them and their causes in a constructive way. So good on you for talking about it! And maybe you are not a Man but I just assumed that because generally women have a more solid emotional support network, including friends who will come over and give them wine and be like "ok cry it out bitch" and then take them out to annoy the crap out of anyone else who happens to be at the bar/restaurant/laundromat of their choosing.

You have contributed to my life just by having a funny and memorable user name. Seriously, I was surprised to see you only joined in 2018, because I remembered your name and thought you'd been around longer. Anyway, if you are mapping you should be doing it firstly because <i>you</i> want to. Creativity shouldn't come from wanting to please other people. It should come from your own desire to create something that you love. If you don't feel like making maps, then don't. And if you do feel like making maps, make sure you are having fun on your own. If you want to make a map that's just a huge room full of cybies, then fucking do it. I've totally done that. Uploading to /idgames and getting a good review is nice, but that's not where you should start. You should start by just doing what you want to do. Don't feel like sharing your ridiculous map that you made in five minutes? You don't have to! All you should be asking yourself is, "What do I want to create?" Don't want to create? Fine! Just play! Enjoy the countless wads that other people have made for you! Play the super un-polished nonsense that other people thought was /idgames worthy, and then laugh and say wow, this is crap! Who cares? I certainly don't, and I would never judge someone in this community for not making maps, or not playing my favorite maps, or not shitting on the maps I hate, or not posting enough, or not being cool. None of us are cool: We're doom nerds. And we are here to party.

Did that make any sense?

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Chances are what is making you depressed runs deeper than people reacting negatively to your posts online. Figure out what you want to do with your life. Change your eating habits. Exercise. Get out and see people in real life. If you feel the urge to be creative, do it for yourself and not as an obligation to share with others. Relax.

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I think your problem is that since the Doom community is so mod-oriented (mapping, editing, etc), you feel like you too have to do those things in order to "fit in". It's totally ok to just play Doom. It's a game after all. Have fun.

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A good way I've found to contribute to any online community:

 

  • Listen first. Read lots of threads. Gather information. Become an expert.
  • Once you know things, start sharing what you know. Answer questions. Be helpful.
  • Research first, ask questions if your research doesn't turn anything up.
  • Participate in community projects that encourage newcomers. People tend to give good feedback on these projects.

 

You don't need to participate by working with mapping. You can make textures. Pixel art. Music. You could provide playtest feedback and bug finding. You could learn how to compile resources. Organize projects. You don't have to be explicitly "creative" to contribute to creative projects.

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6 hours ago, geo said:

You don't have to contribute. Some of us just obsessively shit post for our own amusement.

 

Pretty much this.

 

I haven't contributed much to the community since I have joined either. Most of the time I'm spamming here and there, provide some feedback for something I'm currently playing or after I'm done with it, write reviews (which are very hit-or-miss in my case, as it was clearly demonstrated in the past. I write them for myself first and foremost, so people not finding them of any use or outright shit is basically of no concern to me whatsoever), and stream.

 

With all that's going on, I do admit that you can sometimes get the feeling that you're expected to contribute in some way, but not all of us are cut for making maps, music, and so on, so we do other things instead.

Edited by seed

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I understand how you feel. The amount of Doom content available is just so overwhelming that it's hard to figure out what to do at times, not to mention trying to fit into a community that has been around since the Usenet day's. I often find myself just browsing through old topics/reviews or even reading up on info (doomwiki is great for that) as i really don't know what nor how to contribute, especially considering the fact that i don't know the first thing about mapping even though i have read up on it (so at least you've gone one step further then i have and have made a map :)

 

About being depressed: I've suffered from depression for most of my life. I've been on anti-depressants since i was about 14 and i'm 28 now and i still take them. What really makes you depressed is when you suffer from quite a few health issues and more just keep on popping up as you get older. Right now i'm dealing with some pretty major issues myself that seem to be making me more depressed lately so you aren't alone.

 

Even though this sounds extremely generic, just be glad that you at least have your health (at least i hope you do). Well, i should say your physical health as depression really isn't something to mess around with. If you really are feeling depressed, tell someone (i know, you literally just told us). I mean someone that you personally know, like a parent, guardian or a close friend. Look: i'm no doctor so i'm not going to act like one by giving a ton of advice but i do hope that you start feeling better soon :)

 

Also: Don't stress so much over a game/community or a website (that's Linguica's job ;) . Deal with your irl issues first, then "internet" life second.

Edited by CyberDreams : spelling error

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About mapping. Not everyone has a talent for mapping. Sometimes, providing feedback and recording demos even the better form for contributing. Mappers will be very grateful to you.

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10 hours ago, amackert said:

Chances are what is making you depressed runs deeper than people reacting negatively to your posts online. Figure out what you want to do with your life. Change your eating habits. Exercise. Get out and see people in real life. If you feel the urge to be creative, do it for yourself and not as an obligation to share with others. Relax.

I think you are right on the money. I remember @crazyflyingdonut having a breakdown prior to not posting, and mentioning that autism was leading him to see conflict everywhere. I honestly have no idea how to help him manage this when we are discussing, except being understanding while he's working on himself like a rad boy, or expressing his troubles with a professional who knows infinitely more than anyone here.

 

All I can say is that I'm not judging you @crazyflyingdonut, we are all too busy minding ourselves to hate you or find you useless or something. Just being a fun pal to discuss with is enough in a forum. There's nothing wrong with not being the best dude around who elevates the community with top quality content. Heck I'm myself just sitting around and posting random jokes or arguing because I can't shut my trap when someone on internet is WRONG. Could be worse.

 

7 hours ago, Shaikoten said:

A good way I've found to contribute to any online community:

 

  • Listen first. Read lots of threads. Gather information. Become an expert.
  • Once you know things, start sharing what you know. Answer questions. Be helpful.
  • Research first, ask questions if your research doesn't turn anything up.
  • Participate in community projects that encourage newcomers. People tend to give good feedback on these projects.

 

You don't need to participate by working with mapping. You can make textures. Pixel art. Music. You could provide playtest feedback and bug finding. You could learn how to compile resources. Organize projects. You don't have to be explicitly "creative" to contribute to creative projects.

This post is good but where are the wikiHow pictures?!?

 

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13 hours ago, geo said:

(...)

 

If you truly feel the need to contribute without knowing what to say... ask a question:

 - Which Dom guy would you rather be?

 - What is a better weapon in Doom 3 than Doom 1?

 - Why does John Romero keep his hair long?

 - Would Doom 3 have been better in the Quake engine?

- The one with super shotgun.

- Chainsaw.

- Because he does not want to spend money on barber?

- No.

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@crazyflyingdonut It took me 4 goddamn months to contribute half decent rooms of maps. Mapping can take a long time to get even decent maps. What I would recommend is playing cacoward winning maps and see how they do it. At one point I was in a position like you. All I have to say is keep trying!  When ever someone gets mad at you dont let it stick with you. Wipe it aside and forget about it but let the good comments stick. Its certainly not the easiest thing to do and it did take me 2 years to really understand it. Keep going!

 

You should do yourself a favor as well and not call yourself a "Waste of Sperm" like your profile description says. Believe it or not, but having any disorder is a roll of the dice (For the most part) from birth. You do have a purpose but beating yourself down like that ruins it. I have SEVERE ADHD and in middle school I was thinking of myself as worthless like you do now. Failing classes, getting ISS's and much more was myself not thinking of myself highly, but after seeing a counselor for a year or so made me feel special and I'm now a freshman in high school with great grades just because of small ego. This sounds like a Ty Lopez thing to be honest but still seriously keep posting.

Edited by Rhebiz : For more help

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19 hours ago, crazyflyingdonut said:

I've been feeling really depressed lately, which is why I took a long break from posting.

You're not alone who have same problem, pal. We feel your despair.

 

19 hours ago, crazyflyingdonut said:

I have no idea what to post anymore.

Post kittens. Kittens are always a win.

 

###

On serious note through:

I feel depressed for like a half-year already, and it is not that i would like to share but i do, eventually, since i have no one near me irl who might to listen my soul's need of be heard.

I was mad sometimes, pretty much rude to people and spreading cancer over few discord communities and doom related forums. But this time start passing away thanks to events that I've triggered in my life. I found a way to break my assignment with army service, now it is a mattrr of time to me when i'll be fired and get back home.

 

It got me hope to live on and find the light through all these damn clouds and shit that happened to me sinse I signed up military contract instead of finishing army as conscript.

 

Dude, you just need to chill a bit, relax in good company, maybe find a love interest even. At least that's my plan for first three days of freedom so i would like to recommend you same thing.

 

Be strong. You do not deserve to become the Joker yet.

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35 minutes ago, Rhebiz said:

You should do yourself a favor as well and not call yourself a "Waste of Sperm" like your profile description says. Believe it or not, but having any disorder is a roll of the dice (For the most part) from birth. You do have a purpose but beating yourself down like that ruins it. I have SEVERE ADHD and in middle school I was thinking of myself as worthless like you do now. Failing classes, getting ISS's and much more was myself not thinking of myself highly, but after seeing a counselor for a year or so made me feel special and I'm now a freshman in high school with great grades just because of small ego. This sounds like a Ty Lopez thing to be honest but still seriously keep posting.

 

I'm actually a senior in high school who only behaves well because I don't feel like getting in trouble (my teachers like me for some reason, bear in mind that I'm in a special education classroom because of my autism).

 

But, since several people have requested it, the "waste of sperm" part has been removed. I'm not happy about removing it, but... at this point I'll do anything to please you guys.

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16 minutes ago, crazyflyingdonut said:

I'm not happy about removing it, but

But that's right decision to do.

 

 

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27 minutes ago, crazyflyingdonut said:

at this point I'll do anything to please you guys.

You are probably exaggerating but you don't have to try to please everyone man. Speak your own mind if we ever plain suck to you.

 

Showing clear boundaries is actually going to earn you respect from others, as long as you aren't an ass about it.

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27 minutes ago, crazyflyingdonut said:

I'm not happy about removing it, but... at this point I'll do anything to please you guys.

 

My dude. We not the be all, end all. Pleasing us is not important. What's important is you understand what makes you happy and going after that. As long as what you like to do isn't hurting anyone, you should keep on doing it. Have fun, be happy, and don't worry so much what other people think. It's OK to get sad or depressed or get discouraged and cry. But at the end of the day the healthiest thing you can do is love yourself.

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1 hour ago, crazyflyingdonut said:

 

lol nobody would want to date me

Then work on yourself to become dateable.

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It's 100% OK to just be a dirty consumer of wads, and not contribute. If you want to contribute but don't feel like you have mapping skills, there's plenty of other ways, e.g. start a wad review site? They used to be a dime a dozen but now seem quite rare.

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Having read this, I can easily say the single most important thing you can do for yourself is accept that you're flawed. And that it's fine to be flawed.

 

Look, I'd love it if I could do all the stuff I want to do too. I'd love to have art skills, coding skills, modeling skills. On the other hand, I have skills a lot of people would love - creative skills, writing skills, hell I even translate stuff.

 

A lot of that boils down to how badly you want something. If you sit there and say "I'll never manage it," congratulations - you've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. You won't, because you've convinced yourself you won't.

 

But after you accept that you're not a natural at something, the question then becomes, how badly do you want to do it? How badly do you want to learn how to draw, or learn another language, or in this case, learn how to do a map?

 

That is the major determinant in whether you will actually get good at something or not.

 

You want a date? Stop putting yourself down, and as the old saying goes, fake it 'til you make it. You want to map? Do an hour or two in Doom Builder (or whatever you use) every day. Set a goal for yourself, and don't be satisfied until you can meet it. Don't beat yourself up if you don't though - because not every day is going to be successful, or even as successful as another day.

 

But if you really don't want to map or stuff like that, then just enjoy the game and the other creations. You can still be useful. Beta-test WADs that ask for testers. Provide feedback on stuff, even if it's already finished and released 10 years ago. Even simply cheerlead projects you really like.

 

This community, and life in general, gets a lot more enjoyable when you stop trying to endure the pressure of living up to everyone else's expectations, and start just asserting yourself for what you like and what you want - to use a favorite saying of mine, "Be who you are and say what you feel, for those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." Sure, you can't do that for every facet of your life (work and partners/relationships definitely need compromise), but by and large, I wish I could've told myself what I'm telling you now when I was a miserable, depressed teenager.

 

Hang in there, find what you want to define things on in your own terms, and strive towards that which you enjoy. It'll be like a whole new world opened up for you, and there will be that day when you'll get to look back at this time and be like "Man, how could I have been so blind when the answer was right there."

 

Good luck.

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Why does it matter so much that people here accept you? We're just random users on a Doom Forum, don't stress over something so insignificant and worthless

If you want people to like you don't be such a bummer about everything. Don't present yourself as "An autistic (WORSE than Chris-chan) that likes Doom". This immediately takes respect away from you and you just come across as a sad sap. It's going to be controversial what I'm saying but its true, you don't make friends by making them feel sorry for you

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46 minutes ago, Bushpig2dope said:

Don't present yourself as "An autistic (WORSE than Chris-chan) that likes Doom". This immediately takes respect away from you and you just come across as a sad sap. It's going to be controversial what I'm saying but its true, you don't make friends by making them feel sorry for you

 

I think that attitude is more on you. Why are you bothered by someone who presents as autistic? Are you unable to empathise with them, or understand what it means?

 

I'm on the spectrum with aspergers myself and have had many friends over the years who have also been diagnosed as such. It's not a shameful thing and people should lose the stigma and be able to talk about themselves in a more open and healthy way.

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I'm also in high school in my third year, I have some problems in my family, and anyway I'm here

 

I understand perfectly the depression that you feel, I also want learn many modding things, I received harsh criticism when i published my wads, but even if you feel bad this is like the life himself, get up again and keep fighting, never give up

 

believe me that I suck even doing wads (I not received positive comment xD) but still I am here and I help in what I can, remember you are not forced to do something to be here

 

Doomworld has so many things of modding that it seems that you have to forcefully create mods to fit but not, just play and have fun because I will be sincere

 

The community of doom is the best I've seen !

 

I have almost your age, and I also feel that nobody would want to go out with me but I will tell you something like another young man like you

 

do you know why we feel this way? Because we are young and we are interested in joining a group, but that is not why you cry and you feel depressed

 

Do you want to talk to someone? Talk with me if you want! ;P, maybe I can not talk to you all day but at least a while i can talk with you! :P

 

and sorry for my bad english , i speak spanish xD

Edited by Gaia74

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4 hours ago, Khorus said:

 

I think that attitude is more on you. Why are you bothered by someone who presents as autistic? Are you unable to empathise with them, or understand what it means?

 

I'm on the spectrum with aspergers myself and have had many friends over the years who have also been diagnosed as such. It's not a shameful thing and people should lose the stigma and be able to talk about themselves in a more open and healthy way.

It's not necessarily the autism itself, it's that he lets it define him and considers himself worse than Chris Chan, I'm not sure if youre familiar with this person but to be worse is like scrapping the bottom of an already scrapped barrel. This introduction is only the beginning of the self deprecation in his bio too, I just picked this as an example.

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15 hours ago, CWolf said:

I feel depressed for like a half-year already, and it is not that i would like to share but i do, eventually, since i have no one near me irl who might to listen my soul's need of be heard.

 

Why does this sound familiar... ah yes, I'm also there.

 

I have never been more sad and angry at myself, pretty much everything seems to be going down and I'm not sure how or what I will do when, and if, I ever get out. Feels like nothing I do is enough anymore.

 

I know, I should probably look for solutions and stop bitching, that never, ever helps, but really I've no idea to do anymore aside from jumping on walls. Would have never expected university to have such a negative impact upon my life, and doing an absolutely shit job there... well, let's just say chances of me getting my license next year are equal to me getting rid of saving altogether in Doom... it's gotten that bad.

 

I am surprised how many people out there are dealing with depression though.

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