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Naked Snake

Don's Challenge

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This is based off the project, Don's Challenge

I remember it all so clearly, like a dream you never forget, but this wasn't no dream. It was real, I know it, though nobody thinks it's true, it is. It all began when I had gotten home from work, a hard day, we made a very big bust. I lost my buddy, Eric, he was shot with a 12 gauge shotgun at close range. The sight of him flying backwards from the blast, his blood spraying everywhere, it was insane. Not that I hadn't seen worse in Vietnam but still...it was my friend. My friend that I got drunk with, whom I shared stories with and told dirty jokes to. I sat down on my bed, my wife had taken the kids to their grandma's house. She was recovering from cancer treatments. I sighed as I butted out my cigarette and turned off the light to sleep. When I woke up a bit later I wasn't in my bed...

"WHERE THE HELL AM I!?" I screamed at the top of my lungs, looking around madly. I adjusted my glasses and looked out the window. "No, this...this can't fucking be right!" I yelled. I was staring at hell! The flaming grownd sizzled and fire raged out of control as souls wandered around aimlessly, moaning and contorting in pain. I looked behind me and noticed a huge ornate door. I rushed over to it and tried the knob but it wasn't moving. I turned around again and peered down the hallway. At the end sat a throne surrounded by candles and two ugly statues of some minotaurs. I approched this throne and when I got close I couldn't move! A figure appeared, a woman in a blue dress.

"Mr. Tello" the figure began, "I am Mortis" she announced, the word Mortis echoed through the halls. "I wish to add your soul to my collection of "worthy warriors". To win such an honor, you must complete my challenge. There is a facility I have collected and it is infested with monsters. You must survive."

"And if I don't?" I managed to choke out even while being constrained tightly by an unseen force.

"Then you enjoy eternity in Hell" Mortis calmly informed. Before I could utter another word I was transported to the infested NAC facility with nothing but my fists and a rusty .357 Magnum. Immediatly I spotted some brass knuckles and put them on. This will certainly give me an edge, the edge I need. I heard the grunts and snorts. They know a human is here.

I'll skip all the stupid details and get to the skinny. The shit I saw was ungodly. 7 floors of hell I fought through, with everything from a 9mm pistol to a fuckin' gasoline can. At the end of it all I felt like shit but still I managed to kill Mortis. She wasn't no pretty lady when I blasted her with my shotgun, she transformed into some kind of monster. When she clapped her hands flames flew out in a path of death right towards me. She had informed me smuggly that I my weapons were going to be worthless. She was right. I pumped over 30 rounds from my autopistol right into her! But I found a weapon behind her throne, some box. I opened it and spirits flew out and surrounded Mortis, tearing her apart! I had won!

I felt a sudden rush and I was teleported to my house. A little white cat was standing in front of me. It looked up at me with an innocent look and meowed. I picked it up and looked at it.
"Mortis?" I asked. It suddenly hissed and scratched me. "Ow! Fucking little-no, I won't kill you. I'll tell you what, you behave and I'll let you live, piss me off and die" I said. It simply meowed. I approached my door and turned the knob. Locked and I didn't have my keys. Oh well, I still had the garage keys hidden near the doghouse.

After I retrived the keys I walked into the garage. The car was gone. Wife musta took the kids to town or something. I walked through the garage, opened the door and entered the kitchen. I noticed the note on the counter. I picked it up and read it.

"Don,
Where have you been the last 2 days?
Me and the kids have been worried sick!
When you read this call me at my mothers house.
Love Mona"

I decided I'd call her later, first I had to find my notebook. I searched the whole house and found it in my bedroom. I quickly wrote down what happened and all the stuff I had seen. I wonder who wants a pet kitty?

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It starts out nicely, but that sudden leap to the ending isn't pretty imho.
Writing a good story takes patience and it simply seems to me that you didn't have the patience to write the story properly.
Basically, what I'm saying is that I think you rush through all these many events far too quickly - you could have made it into a multipart story, though that requires imagination and patience.

Apart from that, I think you made it pretty well-detailed and descriptive especially in the beginning - I did enjoy most of the story, So nice work.

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