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Naked Snake

Review crappy films here!

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Movie : Lord of the Flies 1990 version

Differences from the book :

Various characters haircolors.

The book states that the kids were from England, but only one character had an English accent.

In the book, a Navy man rescues them, in the movie, it is the good ol' Marines

They seem to be from a military school. In the book they were just students and Jack and the hunters were pussy choir boys that probably loved their priest (as often as he wanted).

There is swearing (LOLZ A 12 YR OLD SED FUK!!!)

The airplane captain lives (for a while)

The lack of a few characters

The book doesn't suck

Various other bullshit I couldn't remember.

Cast of characters :

Ralph - hmm, what can I saw about Ralph? He looks like his face got stepped on and was beating with rocks as a child. His acting is shitty, you can actually see him at times look to the side for his lines. Fucking stupid.

Piggy - in the book, his real name is indeed Piggy but in the movie it seems to be his nickname. Piggy looks like the abortion of a failed Drew Carey clone. He is quite a good actor, he almost had me convinced that he wasn't a fag. I was quite sad when Piggy died, mainly because I knew that this wasn't a sci-fi novel so he couldn't be brought back to life and killed again.

Jack - ok, wtf. Whoever did the casting for this movie sure as HELL picked the wrong kid to play Jack. He tries to do a good job, oh lord how he tries but in the end, he fails it. I wouldn't be surprised if the kid who played Jack had a sex-change.

Simon - I liked Simon. He didn't talk much, he was a good actor. His character dies however.

Sam and Eric - the twins. Well, the twins, they're......creepy. Not only do they hang out together EVERYWHERE, they also seem to talk at the same time at certain points in the book/movie. I really think honestly, that these two had something going on.

Super Crazy Fun Happy Airplane Captain Man - he is sick for the first bit of the movie, then he gets naked and hides in a cave, which gets him killed a little later.

Roger - I don't think he had any lines but he kills Piggy. Truly a God among men.

The Marine Captian - he looks like Kevin Spacey with downs. He sounds like he had his balls crushed.

Other characters - I'm pretty sure not a lot of them had names or lines but from what I saw there was a kid that had the worst teeth I have ever seen, a kid who looks like he put his head in a vice to make it all egg-shapped, a small kid that always had a boner and a few others that I forgot.

Teh Movie!!! -

The movie starts off with the kids screaming, trying not to drown. Ralph saves Super Crazy Fun Happy Airplane Captain Man from dying but I guess he gets sick. The kids soon wash up on the beach, fall asleep and stuff. The next day, a kid wakes up Ralph saying "I've found water!". Great! Now they can survive and make this movie last 1 hour and 28 minutes longer than it should have. Anyway, it shows everyone drinking water from a creek. Jesus, don't they teach kids anything in Military School? Never drink out of a damn creek, wait until it gets deep. Jeez, for all these kids know, two dead pigs could be upstream, with jizz and shit next to their corpses. Anyway, Piggy finds a conch shell and tells Ralph to blow it. After he gets off, Ralph uses the conch to call a meeting or something. He says they should vote and Ralph wins. WHEE! Jack *looks* happy but we all know what he is thinking.

I guess Ralph's first order of buisness was that nobody wear pants or a shirt ever, for the rest of their stay. So, you get graced with the site of a bunch of skinny boys in white underwear jumping in water, walking around with boners and "wrestling" in the sand. WOW! SUCH FUN! Well, anyway, Simon has a dream that Super Crazy Fun Happy Airplane Captain Man wakes up and says he is going to rescue them. Then he wakes up and realizes that eating mushrooms you find in the wild is not a good idea. He looks over to see Super Crazy Fun Happy Airplane Captain Man still asleep in what appears to be a bug net or something.

Pretty soon, Ralph gets the brilliant idea to start a fire. Where? In a field of dry grass next to a tree with no protection from making it catch! GEE! After he uses Piggy's glasses to start the fire they soon realize that they made a big mistake as the ground catches fire. Man, now I know how voters felt when they realized George W. Bush was an idiot. Ralph and Jack are hanging out on the beach and they start up a "wrestling" match that seems a little to homoerotic for me to handle, seeing as Jack had a stiffy the whole fight.

I forgot some stuff but whatever, here we go! After they kill Super Crazy Fun Happy Airplane Captain Man in the cave, everyone thinks there is a monster in there. Some shit happens and stuff and they stick a pig's head on a stick in front of the cave and run like hell. Simon sneaks out of the bushes. It looks like he found some better mushrooms this time as he stares at the pig's head for a good hour. More bullshit happens, Jack leaves. A storm breaks out and all the people that stayed with Ralph end up sharing the same "shelter" for about 5 minutes, just enough to time to feel some butts. More shit happens and uh...IIRC, Jack and his gang of gangbangers attack Ralph's group of gropers. They break Piggy's left or right lens and he begins to cry. Now, let me fucking tell you, he is fucking funny when is crying. Not only do tears run down his face but he fucking drools like he has got a bigass plate of ham in front of him. Ralph cheers him up and stuff...

More stuff happened, I think I dozed off, anyway. Jack and his friends come back and this time they have a chilling announcement! This is what Jack says and I quote! "PIGGY! WE WANT YOU!!!"!!! Yes, Jack admits his feelings for the fat fuck known as Piggy. Jack then decides to ditch the whole love making thing and just steal his glasses instead. Day breaks and we see Piggy crying/drooling again. Ralph gives him some coconuts and he shuts right up. Anyway, he gets all pissed, grabs the conch and heads to talk to Jack and announce his love--er...no, he wants his glasses back. Piggy bitches and moans and eventually Roger gets sick of his fucking mouth and pushes a bigass rock onto Piggy's head. Piggy...dies. YAY! But oh no! This makes Ralph very angry. He goes away and finds out from the twins they plan on hunting him. He runs away and wakes up to being surrounded by fire. He runs through the woods and everyone chases him. He gets to the beach, trips and looks up! IT'S A MARINE! They're rescued! Yay! Now this damned movie is over. The End!

Review crappy movies you have seen!

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Movie: Starship Troopers

Differences from the book:

The action-to-intelligence ratio (all action, tiny bit of philosophy, dead opposite the book)

Co-ed Mobile Infantry (as much as I enjoy co-ed showers...)

Racial makeup (movie only had a bunch of American kids)

Rico's buddy Carl (psychic? WTF?)

Rico's beau Carmen (finds plenty of time on duty to boink Rico)

Rico's parents (SPLAT!)

Rico's career (Private to First Lieutenant thru field promotion over three days. not probable at all)

The Bugs (what's with the dumb swarm with teeth and claws?)

The Mobile Infantry (what's with the dumb swarm with poor rifles and useless armor?)

Lt. Rasczak (tough-as-nails hardass who taught Rico's History & Moral Philosophy class)

Sgt. Jellal (not even mentioned in the movie)

Lt.Col. Dubois (ditto)

Cpt. Blackman (again)

The Skinnies (and again)

Sanctuary (and yet again)

Power Armor (MIA. but nooo, you gotta be able to see the hero's face...)

The book doesn't suck.

Teh Movie!

Rico's a futuristic high-school football star. Yay. Rico gets shit grades and is belittled by one-armed Mr. Rasczak. Boo hoo. Rico finds out Carmen and Carl are gonna join up. Yay. Rico goes through an angst-fest with his parents about joining up. Boo hoo. Rico, Carl, and Carmen join a herd of human cattle that look absolutely nothing like Argentines in the enlistment office. Rico joins the MI and gets a good look at the triplepalegic(sp?) ex-MI sergeant at the desk.

Rico goes to Basic. Rico meets Cpt. Frankel. Rico meets Sgt. Zim. Zim doesn't like Rico, and manages to break one recruit's arm and kill another recruit pointlessly during the first muster. What is this "morale" thing? Rico hangs with the other boots in the stereotypical barracks/frat house, plus co-ed showers (*drool*).

Rico uses his 1337 f007|3411 5|<!11z to impress Cpt. Frankel, so he gets a boot promotion. Boot Corporal Rico manages to get the big dumb hillbilly boot killed, and gets whippd for his trouble. Boo hoo. Angstfest and Rico decides to give up and go home. Rico calls his parents and gets to watch as a big rock falls out of the sky to conveniently kill them. "We're goin' to war!" Rico gets pissed off and sidesteps the law to get back in to the MI.

Meanwhile, Carmen is learning to fly with the help of a bishonen jerkoff. Carl is using his pointless psychic powers to rise through the ranks at inhuman speed.) A cheesy propaganda film shows a bunch of dead Mormons. Good times had by all.

Rico set in with the MI to storm the bug homeworld. Lots of MI. Lots and lots of bugs. MI get their collective asses handed to them, run home crying for mommy. Rico gets a horn through his leg. Back at base, Carmen sees Rico's name on the list of dead and cries on bishonen boy's shoulder. Rico's getting his leg regrown when his replacement girlfriend Dizzy shows him his own death certificate. LOLOL.

Rico and Dizzy hook up with Rasczak's unit. Rasczak is still an asshole, plus cyberarm. Rasczak's Roughnecks go on utterly useless patrol on small desert planet. Extremely large bug that was never in the bok shows up, and melts a few MI before Rico applies his 1337 f007|3411 5|<!11z to shove a grenade up the thing's ass. Well gee, one of Rasczak's corporals just conveniently died; Rico, you're the new corporal. Rico spends his first night as corporal boinking Dizzy under Rasczak's orders.

Rasczak, Rico, and company tool along on their patrol when Rasczak's sergeant is sudenly and conveniently killed by a flying bug that was never in the book. Rico, you're the sergeant, despite all of two career hours of combat experience. Yay.

Roughnecks come along a busted-up human outpost. Turns out bugs eat brains. Yummy. Incompetent senior officer comes out of the closet and gibbers incomprehensibly. Bugs attack en masse. Rasczak gets his legs cut off and asks Rico to shoot him. Rico shoots him in the gut, and the bullets that don't even slow bugs down, kill the Lieutenant instantly. Yeah, right. Carmen and her bishonen beau fly down and airlift the survivors out. Dizzy takes a bad hit and dies in Rico's arms on the way up. Never mind the three dozen people killed on the ground, Dizzy died! Waaaah!!!

Rico tells bisho-boy to STFU, and takes over as Lieutenant. (What, no other non-coms survived?) Rico gives Dizzy a poper funeral. Carl comes along and confirms Rico's rank with his psychic powers. Carl gives Rico a bunch of replacement cannon fodder and sends him back to the planet that all but wiped out the platoon before. Mission: Find and capture a brain bug.

Giant dung beetles never seen in the book shit photon torpedos at the human fleet. Carmen and bisho-boy get to watch Captain Deladrier be cut in half by a blast door. Much angst. The two are the only survivors and manage to stuff a lifboat deep under the surface of the target planet. Oh, look... bugs.

Rico learns Carmen is trapped by the bugs. Rico tells military law to go screw itself, takes a couple volunteers on a suicide rescue mission. Yeah. Carmen and bisho-boy meet the Brain Bug. The bishonen gets his brains sucked out. He has so much more personality now. :) Rico shows the Brain Bug a nuke the size of my Physics textbook, tells him what's going down. One of Rico's friends takes a hit, takes the nuke, and waits 'til Rico, Carmen, and friends are clear before setting off the nuke. Rico and Carmen get out and watch all teary-eyed and Sgt. Zim brings out a hog-tied Brain Bug. Yay for them. Yay for humans. Down with the generic, nameless faceless villian figures. The End!

In summary: Do yourself a favor and RTFB!!!

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What the hell were they protesting?! The obligation to at least resemble the source material?!

Heinlein's book was pure science-fiction with a heapin' helping of social philosophy mixed in.

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Lord of the Flies book kicks ass. It's like a tiny little society. My dad (has his Master's in English) said that this is actually a satire of Russia...Jack is Stalin and i forget who the other people are, but it's still a pretty cool point.

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I had to read LOFT last year in English, a excellent book, great story. Our teacher showed us the film, but not the disney version cause he said Disney fucked up the story. So he show us the black and white version with violence and stuff. The movie was ok but nothing compared to the book.

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Insomniac said:

Lord Of The Rings: the Fellowship of the ring

OMFT They forgot 1337 Tom Bombadill


and the creepy barrow wights.

movie review short and sweet: the sweet hearafter

great book from russell banks turned in to a mediocre, underacted, melodrama.

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Insomniac said:

Lord Of The Rings: the Fellowship of the ring

Die!!!

OMFT They forgot 1337 Tom Bombadill

Yep, and thanks for that I say - all he did in the book was walz around singing like crazy, such entertainment *yawn*.

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Movie: The Jurassic Park

Many people like this, but I don't. I prefer the book, which is much better. And I cannot understand why they changed so many things in the movie. And they have left many cool scenes out, I guess it was too expensive to make it any longer.

Only thing I like in it is to look at the 3D dinosaurs.

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DooMer 4ever said:

Movie: The Jurassic Park

Many people like this, but I don't. I prefer the book, which is much better. And I cannot understand why they changed so many things in the movie. And they have left many cool scenes out, I guess it was too expensive to make it any longer.

Only thing I like in it is to look at the 3D dinosaurs.

The movie is cool if you haven't read the book, however, once you read the book, you'll realize that the movie could've been so much better.
I still like the movie- don't think it goes under the "crappy movie" category, but I think it could've been done a lot better.

No, let ME tell YOU about a related crappy movie: The Lost World.

Nothing in common with the book at all, wtf?

Totally ridiculous story.

None of the intelligent philosophies that the book had.

Shows the dinos as ravenous beasts that just kill everything for no reason whatsoever whereas the book describes the animals as good parents with a complex behavioural pattern.

Absolutely NO originality.

In the end of the movie, we see a T-Rex play Godzilla in an American town.

So, after his old uncle failed to create a dino park, John Hammond's spoiled nephew wants to catch dinos from Hammond's "location B" island for a dino park that he's built in a town (don't remember which - it's a long time since I saw it and I've only seen it once because of its unforgivable crapiness) on American soil. Hammond, Ian Malcolm and his girlfriend Sarah Harding don't want them to catch the poor dinos so they follow the 'baddies' to this island and Malcolm's stupid niece decides to stow away because she thinks that her uncle's high-tech camper looks oh-so cool (barf!) and they only find her when it's too late to take her back.

Anyway, the baddies catch a few planteaters before our stupid heroes let the dinos loose so that they can trash up the baddies' base camp, but then good ol' T-Rex comes along and trashes our heroes' camper and after that they have to join forces with the baddies - after that the movie just went from 'bad' to absolutely horrible as people just get gobbled up by dinos as they try to get off the island.

Amidst the confusion, the baddies manage to tranquilize and catch the T-Rex and its pup and they put aboard a ship.

Back home they eagerly wait for the ship to show up, but they have suddenly lost contact with the ship and the ship just continues to sail all by its own until it crashes into the habour in this American port city/town - and lo and behold, it's ol' father T-Rex that has woken up from his li'l sleep and trashed everything aboard! Now on American soil, the T-Rex walks about spreading chaos and terror, the national guard is sent out to kill it. But then Ian Malcolm and his g/f (Sarah) manage to lure it back to the ship that brought it to America in the first place (or it follows the scent of its pup - I don't remember), where the T-Rex lets its pup eat Hammond's hopeless nephew and after that, Sarah tranquilizes it while aboard the ship and thus saves it. They send the ship unmanned back to the island with the T-Rex and its pup and there is much rejoice (except for those of us which expect a decent movie)

Yuckyuckyuck!

And I hear that Jurassic Park III makes The Lost World seem like a good movie (the name also says it all anyway) - so I can only say this: Jurrasic Park is an ok entertaining movie, but the book is much better. But stay the fuck away from all Jurrasic Park's sequels because they're all shit! However, I can warmly recommend the book "The Lost World" by Michael Chrichton which the lousy movie I just reviewed was based on.

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Jurassic Park was great!

Here's how i rate them compared to eachother:

Jurassic Park I: 100%
Jurassic Park II: 66%
Jurassic Park III: 33%
Jurassic Park IV: Who knows?

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IMJack said:

Heinlein's book was pure science-fiction with a heapin' helping of social philosophy mixed in.

Totally true.

For instance, in the book Heinlein tells us that democracy has failed because everyone gets to vote. People don't have to do anything for their right to vote so they think voting is worthless. So in the society described by Heinlein you have to go though millitairy training in order to get your right to vote.
Heinlein also describes all kinds of futuristic millitairy gear and strategies.

In the movie this is all not there or just vagely mentioned. Which is a bit odd. The book tells such a good story with so many good ideas, why did Paul Verhoeven make the movie like it is now?
answer: Perhaps he did not intend to have it resemble the book...

IMJack said:

What the hell were they protesting?! The obligation to at least resemble the source material?!

Disorder is right.
Paul Verhoeven is a ducth man and the entire movie is a perfect resemblence of how dutch people view the American way of solving problems; "Nuke'm all".
The whole movie is meant to be one big portait of America. And it's done pretty well.

When the Bugs attack earth no-one seems to care why they did it.
The first reaction is to go the war and destroy every Bug.

Now lets look at Sempterber 11.
Two planes fly in the WTC. What's the first thing that persident Bush said. That they were going to find the people who planned it and punish them. Only after his words of retribution he thinks of compassion for those that survived and are left behind.
And after this he is not interested in why America was attacked he only wants to bomb and to go to war with however he can blame this upon. This he thinks is the only solution.

You see the resemblence here?

The movie was not intended to resemble the book but to resemble America.

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IMJack said:

What the hell were they protesting?! The obligation to at least resemble the source material?!

Heinlein's book was pure science-fiction with a heapin' helping of social philosophy mixed in.


I told you about this already: That it's a parody on militaristic movies. It's an amusing movie and achieves its aims pretty well. Making a movie based on a book doesn't have to mean a faithful rendering of the story. The story can be just the inspiration and starting point for something else that yet resembles it or plays with it somehow.

Jurassic Park was crap and I mean the 1st one... the rest, ew. And I'm speaking as someone who was a dinosaur freak when small; back then dinosaurs were like my gods.

The designs in the movie and the effects aren't bad but they might as well have made a flick without people or even narrative, since the story and the acting ruin the movie and make it unwatchable for a second time even.

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I'll grant you the similarities between book and movie are usually pretty slim, but in Starship Troopers' case, the connection almost isn't there at all. They might as well not have used the name Starship Troopers, and called it something a little more fitting. Saying that the movie was based on the book when the movie is totally disconnected is... idunno... slander, maybe?

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myk said:

Jurassic Park was crap and I mean the 1st one... the rest, ew. And I'm speaking as someone who was a dinosaur freak when small; back then dinosaurs were like my gods.

Funny, I can still watch Jurassic Park and think it's a cool movie EVEN after having read the book countless times. And yes, I am a dino freak too - or at least...I was until they discovered that the dinosaurs had feathers and that the predators really weren't much worth as killers :-(

So why do I like the Jurassic Park movie? Because it is at least quite similar to the book (the basic story line is!) and that means that the story makes a bit of sense. The movie has some cool scenes here and there which is also a plus.
However, I will admit that it sucks that John Hammond isn't killed in the end like he was in the book.

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dsm said:

until they discovered that the dinosaurs had feathers

uhm... not all dinosaurs had feathers. Actually only a few late dinosuars had them. Dinosaurs like Sinosauropteryx weren't around until like 163-145 million years ago. Sinosauropteryx was about the size of a large chicken. Only three fossils of the species have yet been found. But these were pretty good preserved. The fossils show that the integument (skin) bore discrete filamentous structures (proto-feathers).
It probably used these "feathers" for isolation which might indicate that the creature was endotherm (like birds) and not ectotherm (like other dinosaurs and other reptiles)
Sinosauropteryx is most likely to be an important link between dinosaurs and modern birds.

just trying to be helpfull :)

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Scientist said:

uhm... not all dinosaurs had feathers. Actually only a few late dinosuars had them. Dinosaurs like Sinosauropteryx weren't around until like 163-145 million years ago. Sinosauropteryx was about the size of a large chicken. Only three fossils of the species have yet been found. But these were pretty good preserved. The fossils show that the integument (skin) bore discrete filamentous structures (proto-feathers).
It probably used these "feathers" for isolation which might indicate that the creature was endotherm (like birds) and not ectotherm (like other dinosaurs and other reptiles)
Sinosauropteryx is most likely to be an important link between dinosaurs and modern birds.

just trying to be helpfull :)

Thanks, but my sources show that:
1. All the dinos within the Dromaeosaur family (Velociraptor, Deinonychus, Dromaeosaurus and a few others) had feathers and were scavengers (not the badass killers that Michael Crichton described them as in his books 'Jurassic Park' and 'The Lost World')
2. All within the Tyrannosaur family (Tyrannosaurus Rex, Albertosaurus, Daspletosaurus and a couple others) had feathers and that sad theory that they were scavengers (I can't believe it!) has returned once again.

It has long been known that Avimus a member of one of the Theropod families (not specified) had feathers, but the stuff I'm telling you about here has only recently (like five years ago) been 'discovered' and has only surfaced within the last two-three years.

So thanks for your attempt to improve my mood within the dino universe, but I'm afraid that your info is a little outdated.

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dsm said:

Thanks, but my sources show that:
All the dinos within the Dromaeosaur family (Velociraptor, Deinonychus, Dromaeosaurus and a few others) had feathers
[...] I'm afraid that your info is a little outdated.

After reading your post I read some more articles; to prove you wrong of course ;). But it seems you're probably right >:(. (Man, I hate it when that happens).
We can see here that the Dromaeosauridae descended from Sinosauropteryx. Therefor if Sinosauropteryx had feathers Dromaeosauridae probably had feathers to. Off course this is just an assumption; Dromaeosauridae could have lost the feathers secondarily. But I assume Dromaeosauridae would have had feathers like you said.

The mistake I made was this: In my mind Sinosauropteryx was higher in the figure than Dromaeosauridae.
This as we can see is not true but Sinosauropteryx is still an important link; as the it says under the figure:

"The relationships of Sinosauropteryx to other dinosaurs. Sinosauropteryx is not as closely related to birds as many other theropods, yet it is the first non-avian theropod that seems to show evidence of feather-like structures."


I'm afraid my info on this topic is indeed a little outdated.
Could you reveal your sources to me. And please don't tell me you saw it on the discovery channel.
:-)









BTW, there are dinosaurs below Sinosauropteryx in the figure; these dinosaurs didn't have feathers most likely!

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My sources are newspaper articles really and a few new books I quickly flipped through in a bookstore, so I can't post them :-(

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Jurassic Park

Book?

Shaviro said:

Jurassic Park was great!

Here's how i rate them compared to eachother:

Jurassic Park I: 100%
Jurassic Park II: 66%
Jurassic Park III: 33%
Jurassic Park IV: Who knows?


JP is IMO pretty cool, tho they could've added a plot to some of them.

JP-4??

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ravage said:

Jurassic Park

Book?

Yeah, the movie was based off of a book called "Jurassic Park" by Michael Crichton don'tcha know?

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Maniraptorans (a group of dinosaurs that birds descended from; this includes much of the Dromaeosauridae as well as Oviraptorosauridae and Therizinosauridae) all had feathers, almost undoubtedly. There is fossil evidence that at least some did (such as Sinosauropteryx, like Scientist said).

Tyrannosaurids, on the other hand, most likely didn't. While maniraptorans probably used feathers for insulation because they were small and extremely active, Tyrannosaurids wouldn't need to because of their size alone(ranging from 15-40 feet, while Maniraptorans only grew to about 20 at the extreme). The T.rex scavenger/hunter debate will probably never be solved unless we travel back in time and see for ourselves.

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ravage said:

Jurassic Park
Book?

Yes, I read the book quite some time before the film appeared. I liked it, and thought that they obviously wouldn't be able to make a successful film out of it :) Obviously they did, but by leaving out the aspects that worked better in book form. The book is worth reading, BTW.

Scientist said:

...the entire movie is a perfect resemblence of how dutch people view the American way of solving problems...

Wow, another person who claims to speak on behalf of every single person in his country. All British people think that everyone who does that is a tosser ;)

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