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Biffy

TGIF again!

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A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms -- the girls didn't show up."




Two young men go to a church to confess their sins.
The first one steps into the confessional and sits down. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have had pre-marital sex."

"Who was it with my son? Was it one of the women in the congregation?"

"I am sorry father, I can not divulge the woman's name. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well tell me, was it Mary-Lou?"

"No father."

"Was it Peggy-Sue?"

"No father. I can not tell you. If I told anyone the woman's name, her reputation would follow her everywhere."

"Was it Sally-May?"

"I am sorry father, I can not say."

"Well then. Repeat 4 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers."

As the young man proceeded to leave the confessional, the 2nd young man approaches and asks, "So what did he give you?"

"Well he gave me 4 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers and 3 VERY GOOD LEADS."




Mr. Sampson, a sixth grade science teacher asks his class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And third, I fear one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."




A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger?" Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish. The player asked, "Could ya make my legs a bit longer?"

(Bwahahahahahaaaaa! Biffy liked that one!)





A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better -- and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo, went right up to the gorilla's cage, and opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.



There was a rich blonde girl who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model.
Half an hour later she went back to the showroom, claiming that the car they sold her was terrible and that she couldn't believe a brand-new Mercedes could have a defect in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The management apologized and gave her a new car.

Again, after half an hour she came back. The management offered her a new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could figure out what the problem was. She put it in first gear and sped up, put in second, then third, fourth, fifth.... "And now," she said, "for the rocket," and threw it in reverse.





A man decided to march in the Holy Crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him: "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

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