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ReeseJamPiece

Get It Off Your Chest

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i think i have anxiety. it's like my mind races to find whatever is the worst possible outcome of whatever new development i've just learned about. for example, i turn the mobile hotspot on on my phone. i know that whenever another phone has a mobile hotspot on, i will get a notification asking if I want to turn on wifi sharing (which i never do), and i know my mom has her mobile hotspot on. i turn my phone off, turn and start to walk away and i get a notification. despite everything i know, my mind makes something up. what if that's my sister, who's just been in a car crash? not only do i have like 50 pieces of evidence showing that it's likely the wifi sharing, the situation itself is ridiculous. my sister would call 911, then call my parents, and she would call, not text. but despite all that, i still hesitate, and then give in and check my phone. it was the wifi sharing. and things like this happen very frequently.

 

and that's not it. i seem to, occasionally, get these sort of mini anxiety attacks, where i can still function, but feel very overwhelmed and uneasy. this seems to happen the most when i think of medical problems/violence/pain. every now and then i'll get a weird feeling somewhere in my body and that will set it off, accompanied by the racing thoughts (what if one of my organs explode? what if i have a kidney stone? etc)

 

and when this first started happening, maybe about a month ago, it actually started to affect my enjoyment of the things i like. listening to music i'd start wondering if the lyrics were some sort of prophecy of something to come, or if it was somehow demonic (think i can thank my dad for that one), or i'd be playing a game and see a dead body and start to have one of those "attacks."

 

but whenever i hear anxiety described it doesn't sound exactly like my situation. it's always that they're "stressed" about some presentation they have to give at work or whatever. i don't want to falsely label it and be insensitive to people who do have it, but what else can it be?

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i freaking loathe the word "Bruh" [if you can call it that] why is this stupid word even popular? i know it came from the word "Bro", but did they really have to change it!? if it isnt broke, dont fix it!

i see everybody say this Atrocious word! it drives me insane! i cant help but to cringe every time i see this word!

after everything i say, someone always says 

  • Bruh
  • bruh
  • BRUH
  • Bruh!
  • bruuuh!!

Shut up! stop this lunacy! is that the only thing you can say?!

what do these people have going on in their minds when they say it? what does it even mean? i see it on everything! if it isnt people texting strictly with emojis like its a freaking language or something, its this!

we need to try to eradicate this word, before it drives me insane, before it drives all of us insane!

maybe someone should start a petition on Change.org. 

im sorry i dont have any pressing matters to share with you guys, nothing bad is really going on with me, fortunately.

 

EDIT: i got the link to the petition right here http://chng.it/8t7HVfjjTx

help me eradicate the word "Bruh" forever!image.png.306cf56dbeee49865686ba7058cd97cd.png

Edited by Deathclaw886

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I'm feeling so useless myself. I'm very tired about carantine because I feel that I'm gonna be stupid. I'm very tired about distance learning because it doesn't learn and teach. People in distance learning gonna be stupid. I wanna learn as usual students. 

Also I feel infantile and dependent on my parents.

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Holy crap, this thread definitely took a turn I did not anticipate, had no idea so many people were going through a rough period. I mean, excluding the current wordwide crisis, which I think goes without saying that it's been bad for us all on many levels.

 

Can relate to a lot that has been said so far, ranging from friends to everything else. With time I noticed that I had grown increasingly more isolated and lonely, and relations that I once thought were very close seem to now be a distant memory. I had and still have a childhood friend but nowadays we barely even talk anymore. You know, that friend I mentioned a few times before who is permanently unavailable or busy with something else, and I got fed up with his attitude. Perhaps I'm just no longer important to him, I don't even know anymore, we used to be very close but the bond just doesn't seem to be there anymore...

 

To add insult to injury, and in a somewhat unrelated note, in some cases I also pushed people away due to my admittedly toxic and overly negative behavior, this happened even here as well sadly, and I can think of a few names. I did my best to change my attitude, and this year I feel that I have done quite a bit of progress on this front, although some damage I have done is definitely permanent. Actions have consequences after all.

 

Now then, moving on, I've barely made any friends in college as well, after 5 years I can only say we are acquaintances at best. You see, there's this myth that college/university is the coolest shit ever where you meet a lot of great people and learn a bunch of stuff. I can pretty much tell that my experience has been the polar opposite: the professors tend to have old mentalities, they don't give a flying fuck about you if you're not great (I've been insulted repeatedly by some of them for such reasons for instance), and the students are largely on their own, at most they form a tiny group of two, usually with the smartest, and stick to them.

 

The idea of "teamwork is required in college" is bullshit. You're largely on your own. Granted, your mileage might vary, but this is how it's been for me, I got pushed away repeatedly because I wasn't deemed as "worthy". I feel that my time was wasted all those years, and I sincerely feel dumber than ever after 5 years despite my efforts. Not to mention it was and still is a giant waste of money, since you know, if you fail an exam, you can take it again in the autumn, but if you fail again, you'll have to pay for it. And I paid for them repeatedly...

 

As an extension of my previous point regarding friends, I also find it difficult to connect with groups in general, which tends to work mainly online, and in a limited capacity sometimes too. I've said before that what you'd say are "normal" folks just bore me to tears, because I do not find them interesting enough and don't think there's much to resonate with. I have almost always sought groups of people who were often misunderstood, unpopular, pushed away, and so on. Not because I wanted to be "cool" or similar pathetic reasons, but because it's just what felt right to me personally.

 

Even so, more often than not someone was there to put spoke in my wheels. Most commonly I tried connecting to other metalheads, and while this mostly worked out, it didn't help that at the time my parents were basically controlling me, and to this day they still have an unhealthy amount of influence over me. I can understand it to an extent insofar as I get that a parent wants the best for their child, but all those years for everything I've said and done they never learned to listen, to understand (deliberate Kreia reference there BTW) that what they are doing is nothing more than taking all the freedom away from me and giving me mental fatigue and existential dread, taking away the weak will to truly live and feel alive that is left in me.

 

They were always scared and prejudiced against those commonly referred to as "different", regardless of what "different" meant in the said context, and they have tried their damnest to not allow me to be "different" in any capacity. In some ways that worked, in others it did not, but the ultimate result is that it left me with barely any desire to live. In fact, I could die right after posting this and it wouldn't matter to me at all, just how low I succumbed I guess...

 

Another direct side effect of this is also the fact that it made me reluctant, awkward, insecure, and overly shy & paranoid to try new things or join new groups. In addition to these, I've also recently realized this gave me extreme anxiety. For instance (and you could probably say this is Cursed Comments material considering where this is coming from), and in a twist of irony, for a good while I've been contemplating on the furry fandom and figured I should probably bite the bullet and go there since this is something I keep coming back to, first sign that it's not temporary. So, all went fine, except for shortly after I got to signing to FA, when the wholesomeness and sheer artistic talent literally overwhelmed me. And I wish that was sarcasm, but it absolutely is not.

 

Unfortunately, it appears social media did teach me the ugly habit of comparing lives after all, and made me think lowly of myself again, not to an extreme degree like it used to though, but just enough to discourage me. On top of this, blood quite literally froze in my veins. That was the direct side-effect of how anxious I got, for you see, when I feel that way, I tend not to sweat, which I think is what most commonly happens to others, but rather freeze, and could quite literally feel the cold spreading in my body, starting with my fingertips. So, yeah, this is just how one's state of mind can directly influence their QoL. It was not pleasant at all, in fact it was embarrassing.

 

Ooof, that took some effort to get it off my chest, this took me a little over an hour to type, but there you have it, I just felt I had to do it.

 

Spoiler

And since a certain question may or may not surface after reading the final part, actually yes, I've been kinda contemplating on a 'sona.

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7 hours ago, Deathclaw886 said:

i got the link to the petition right here http://chng.it/8t7HVfjjTx

help me eradicate the word "Bruh" forever!

 

If you seriously think a Change.org petition is going to help you on your quest to erase a word from existence, you're either too young to understand how the world works or just deluded beyond belief. Besides, there are far more, actually serious issues in the world that are more worth making a petition to battle against. This is just stroking your own ego.

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Spoiler

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

All worry and no doom makes somyr a dull boy.

 

Edited by Solmyr

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6 hours ago, MFG38 said:

 

If you seriously think a Change.org petition is going to help you on your quest to erase a word from existence, you're either too young to understand how the world works or just deluded beyond belief. Besides, there are far more, actually serious issues in the world that are more worth making a petition to battle against. This is just stroking your own ego.

i was mainly making a joke, but i also wanted to see how many people would sign this petition. i know i will never be able to get rid of that damned word, but i kind of wanted to have at least a bit of fun regarding it....

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I gotta admit that this whole shit-show of a pandemic is slowly taking a toll on me, at first being the lazy fuck that I am I didn't care much about being force inside (and still don't) but holy shit if I'm tired of turning my tv on and having to listen to the same bulletins about number deaths, infected people and so on, luckily I live in a small town with less than 300 people so every once in a while I can go for a walk around the country-side or even the town without having to fear being infected.

Honestly I just want this shit to come to a close, I think I've never been so happy to hear about vaccines in my whole life.

Also fuck those pricks who call the virus a conspiracy, I've lost an uncle and almost lost an aunt and niece to the virus.

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actually, things are going on with me, i was just kind of nervous saying it at first.

you see, my family has a herd of dogs, like 5 [used to be 7, but thank gosh we got rid of 2]. these fucking things are annoying me to the point of insanity.

they make me want to drive my fist through the wall, or more so, my head.

there is this one, a big black lab boxer mix, he pisses on everything, ruining our house. he seriously destroyed a door hinge with his piss [what, is it acid?]

this fucking herd of dogs is so loud, that my pet parrots [which i adore] incessant squawking is music to my ears compared to them. 

they are loud, destructive, messy, pretty much any bad adjective you can give them. 

[this is really messed up, but i think violent and bloody thoughts about these dogs so i dont perform these actions in real life, i know, its pretty messed up.]

due to these dogs and something else going on, [that i shall not explain] i actually got a brief psychotic episode. i saw two entities that seemed to embody my anger and depression. i dont know if any of this triggered me cutting myself and sucking the blood out of my arm, but yeah, i also have some psychotic tendencies as well. very bloody thoughts, wishing things that, well, probably shouldnt be wished, and other things that are going on in my mind.

luckily, i am not suicidal [thank gosh] i am still afraid of hell, because i wont have my shotgun with me [or a berserk pack either].

but in all seriousness, i am scared of hell so i am not even thinking about killing myself. but i have some serious problems that i am not telling my parents.

and i guess theres my schediaphilia as well, but thats not so worrying.

that was alot to get off my chest, i am not as perfect as some may think [ i even said fuck for the first time on this forum] 

i hope everybody else is getting better with their problems, and i hope your dogs arent driving you insane as well....[ ive always been a cat person....]

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I've developed a stye on my right bottom eyelid and it hurts like hell. On the bright side, its head is really tiny, so the swelling is more inward and looks more like someone punched me rather than a big lump on my eyelid. So with that in mind, at least my vision isn't compromised. I'm not in agony, but it hurts when I blink so it hasn't been a very pleasant experience.

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There's something to be said about living with and seeing the same people (my family in this case) for 17 years, nearly every single day. I feel like my mood around them has progressively gotten worse with time, cringing at everything they say and how they say it, although that might just be typical. Really doesn't help, though, how they keep calling me a "grump-ass" all the time, mainly for expressing my smallest displeasure in something, which is funny because clearly I'm not the only one in the household who is.

I feel like all of us in the family are just sick of being around each other, the same thing day after day. And they wonder why I'm always in my room. The pandemic and remote learning aren't helping, either.

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My partner and I are separated right now and it's forcing me to really reflect on myself and my priorities.  It's a double edged sword.  I miss her so much and desperately want her back, but I'm also realizing that I've lost a lot of independence and agency with the way we've operated.  I know what I need to do to move forward whether it's going to include her or not, I just hope it does include her.

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3 hours ago, Dunn & Dunn said:

There's something to be said about living with and seeing the same people (my family in this case) for 17 years, nearly every single day. I feel like my mood around them has progressively gotten worse with time, cringing at everything they say and how they say it, although that might just be typical. Really doesn't help, though, how they keep calling me a "grump-ass" all the time, mainly for expressing my smallest displeasure in something, which is funny because clearly I'm not the only one in the household who is.

I feel like all of us in the family are just sick of being around each other, the same thing day after day. And they wonder why I'm always in my room. The pandemic and remote learning aren't helping, either.

Dang, youre 17 already Dunn?

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Well, here I come...

 

I hate virtual classes, seriously, I miss school, my friends, escaping classes, buying a natural juice. I miss having to go back home in bus.

I also hate not being able to go to the city's downtown or to the mall.

 

Basicly, I hate the quarantine*

 

*Did I write that corretly? Oh yeah, I also hate that sometimes my english sucks (I do my best).

 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, :[Lol 6]: said:

Well, here I come...

 

I hate virtual classes, seriously, I miss school, my friends, escaping classes, buying a natural juice. I miss having to go back home in bus.

I also hate not being able to go to the city's downtown or to the mall.

 

Basicly, I hate the quarantine*

 

*Did I write that corretly? Oh yeah, I also hate that sometimes my english sucks (I do my best).

 

 

 

 

i miss my friends, but i dont really miss public school in general.

i got a knife pulled on me from a "Hitman" from a Cult that revolved around a guy who wanted to kill his ex girlfriend.

a love triangle which i, unfortunately, got caught in the middle of, just trying to save my friend, who was a friend of the ex girlfriend.

i am home schooled now.

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7 hours ago, xdarkmasterx said:

I drank too much coffee and now I feel like throwing up 🤢

That happened to me once, but instead of coffee, it was a cola drink.

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Posted (edited)
50 minutes ago, Deathclaw886 said:

i miss my friends

 

And I wish I had IRL friends to miss... The bane of my existence have always been IRL folks, I seem to be able to make friends only in a virtual environment. Made one last month for instance 💜. I have "met" great folks online, and I have met scum, but IRL usually tends to just... give me folks I'm not really interested in - or them in me, for that matter, apart from maybe being a... curiosity to them.

 

I want folks I can bond more strongly with as well, not interested in "slightly more than acquaintance, but not really". I'm also completely fed up with being other people's "reserve friend", and have stopped being that years ago.

 

Sorry, that means I'm just not important to you then, and for that, you can find someone else. Don't come to me just because you're bored, I will not be your source of entertainment.

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10 minutes ago, seed said:

I'm also completely fed up with being other people's "reserve friend", and have stopped being that years ago.

 

Man, I hate that too. It used to happen to me a lot in middle school. Thank goodnes it doesn't happen anymore. But, yeah, don't let people use you like that. That's just not right.

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Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, :[Lol 6]: said:

Man, I hate that too. It used to happen to me a lot in middle school. Thank goodnes it doesn't happen anymore. But, yeah, don't let people use you like that. That's just not right.

 

I haven't really been used in a few years honestly. This used to be very common back when I was a kid, since I was used and abused back and forth and everything in-between, and trusted too much and offered way more than I got back.

 

My upbringing was pretty rough, with school being living hell, and it definitely left its mark upon me for years to come. Me being a wreck is also reflected in the nature of my old posts here, which harbor tons of self-loathing, since I never had someone to turn to, and if I seemed to do, I always got the blame for everything. I needed to vent somewhere, we all need it sometimes. That certainly pushed some folks away, and I can think of names, but that is entirely besides the point. Ironically, in spite of the sheer shitness of 2020, I made the most progress on a mental level then. It did not have too many high points, but the lows, compared to 2019, were nowhere near as steep for damn sure.

 

Anyway, nowadays this tends to be more about being a reserve, as in, getting called or asked to hang around when someone else's friends are unavailable, want something, or have a "problem", and they suddenly remember that I exist, and I am not having that shit anymore. As I said, that means I'm not important to you, in which case, sorry, but you can find someone else to be your toy. I exist all the time, not just when you decide I do to you.

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Yeah, school can be hell itself. It's good that you put a stop to that. It also happend to me quite a lot, as I was smaller than almost 90% of the students. Basically this is how most people took me for

imagen.png.3296b906c1d40251cc2e1c3ab34db158.png

A freaking boxing sack.

Nowadays, people have been nice with me, and I've tried to avoid those who treated me like shit.

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Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, :[Lol 6]: said:

Yeah, school can be hell itself. It's good that you put a stop to that. It also happend to me quite a lot, as I was smaller than almost 90% of the students. Basically this is how most people took me for

imagen.png.3296b906c1d40251cc2e1c3ab34db158.png

A freaking boxing sack.

Nowadays, people have been nice with me, and I've tried to avoid those who treated me like shit.

 

Oh yes, can relate to that 100%.

 

This is now in the past for me, there may be 2 people I have kinda stayed in contact with since school, but now it all belongs to the worst period of my life, and I have moved on since - and away from them. It still bothers me that I have tried to integrate in that filthy group a bit, which involved being an ass on a few occassions on my part, but thankfully those were few instances. I suppose I just wanted to fit in, and I insisted to lie to myself for a good while that there is something for me there and wanted to still give them a chance, despite there not being anything for me. And never was to begin with.

 

I have not heard about most of them since, and I certainly do not intend to do so at any point. They can jump in a volcano for all I care. Some people deserve forgiveness, and I am perfectly capable of showing it - but not to them. And I have not developed the Stockholm Syndrome in the meantime either.

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27 minutes ago, :[Lol 6]: said:

Yeah, school can be hell itself. It's good that you put a stop to that. It also happend to me quite a lot, as I was smaller than almost 90% of the students. Basically this is how most people took me for

imagen.png.3296b906c1d40251cc2e1c3ab34db158.png

A freaking boxing sack.

Nowadays, people have been nice with me, and I've tried to avoid those who treated me like shit.

when i was in public school everybody had 1 word for me......Faggot.

thats what they always called me.....

there was this one idiot who called me "Heterosexual" and meant it as an insult.

then i told him to look up the definition of heterosexual. he was very embarrased after that.

by the way, if you were wondering, i am not gay

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1 minute ago, Deathclaw886 said:

when i was in public school everybody had 1 word for me......Faggot.

thats what they always called me.....

there was this one idiot who called me "Heterosexual" and meant it as an insult.

then i told him to look up the definition of heterosexual. he was very embarrased after that.

by the way, if you were wondering, i am not gay

Now that I think about it, that's another thing I don't care for. People who think they're "geniuses"* and "superior". They just make me sick

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6 minutes ago, Deathclaw886 said:

when i was in public school everybody had 1 word for me......Faggot.

Why, did you ride a Harley?

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1 minute ago, :[Lol 6]: said:

Now that I think about it, that's another thing I don't care for. People who think they're "geniuses"* and "superior". They just make me sick

you got that right, they all are egotistical assholes. the majority of my school was quote unquote "Cool Kids" who always wore hoodies and said the n word.

they always said "What are those!!!" while pointing at my shoes [oh yeah, like shoes are the most important thing ever]

there was this one kid who had like a 30 dollar pair of shoes, he complained when he got a freaking blade of grass on them!

he also kept stomping on my shoes because....well....i dont know.

so one day, i decided to stomp the hell out of his shoes, i left a permanent mark on them. he was pissed.

that will teach him to think he is better than everybody

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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, :[Lol 6]: said:

Now that I think about it, that's another thing I don't care for. People who think they're "geniuses"* and "superior". They just make me sick

 

Those who think they know everything are always those who usually know nothing about anything. False self-defense mechanism of the ego to hide away their insecurities.

 

11 minutes ago, Deathclaw886 said:

there was this one idiot who called me "Heterosexual" and meant it as an insult.

then i told him to look up the definition of heterosexual. he was very embarrased after that.

by the way, if you were wondering, i am not gay

 

He may have meant "homosexual", but probably didn't know what that meant either, heh.

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Posted (edited)
1 minute ago, Grazza said:

Why, did you ride a Harley?

no but that is my first name. seriously, my name is Harley

 

hehe south park

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I share a lot of the frustrations and feelings being shared here. Right now is a really wholesome time in the Doom speedrunning community - since all of you need some cheering up I'll link this thread.

Give it a read. It just might make your day. :)

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