Death itself cannot die PART 3

[imgonnagetcha]

Allrite, here's part 3! ENJOY! Post your comments and tell me what you think.

CHAPTER 3

We all fitted ourselves in our battle suits. Ours were the same as the other marines, except for the Red Falcon symbol. I was shaking. It was my first real battle, and it was a big one.

Venus looked at me. “You okay?” she asked calmly. I swallowed. “Yeah, yeah. I’m uh… fine.” I wasn’t fine. I was scared shitless. We were sitting in the transport ship on our way to the Station. The transport landed with a large bump. Rocky loaded his chain gun. “Let’s kick some ass.” Very action hero-ish. I thought to myself. The door of the transport opened and Venus stepped out first. She didn’t seem scared at all. Rocky was next, then Mark, then Kazi, then finally, myself.

The station was deserted. The smell of death filled the air. I heard roars and barks in the distance. We looked at the door that leads to the entrance hall of the facility. We carefully took small, cautious steps towards the door, punched in the code, and opened the door. Silence. Nothing there but a few large bullet holes in the walls. It looked like quite the battle had gone on inside. We were just about to move in when from out in the corner of my eye, I spotted something. I turned quickly and my eyes widened with fear. A large creature leapt from a corridor and landed on Venus, gnashing and gnawing at her. “SHIT!” I yelled. I pulled out my shotgun and blew the demon away with a well-aimed shot to the skull. Venus coughed. I checked to see if she was ok, but she had a gash on her neck. “Venus! FUCK! Get her some first aid! COME ON!” Kazi ran back to the ship and brought a stimpack. Venus got up from the floor. “Never mind the medical.” She said. My eyes widened. Rocky sighed. “What about your neck?” he asked. “Put a bandage on it.” She said, sarcastically. She continued down the hall, Plasma Rifle poised. Rocky’s face fell. “Damn…” he muttered.

We walked alert into the labs on the Spaceport. We looked around. The lights were switched off. I flicked the switch. The room filled with light, and then I wished I hadn’t turned the light on. Bodies. Tons of them. Hanging from the ceiling with missing limbs and organs. I gasped. “Oh… my god…” Venus whispered. She had fear written all over her. Kazi looked as if he was going to puke.

There were shattered mirrors, blood on the walls and strange writing on the floor. Something used blood as ink to write a message. I had no clue what it said. Mark stood up to look at it. His face turned into a look of sharp disgust. “What the hell are we dealing with…” I heard Rocky whisper under his breath.

I saw a computer. It had a small bar on the top of the screen. It was on. I sat in the chair, typing in commands. I struck the enter key and a screen boasting the UAC logo popped up. Venus looked at the screen curiously. “What are you doing?” she asked, calmly. She was always so calm to me. I didn’t know why. “Im gonna try and activate the security cameras so we don’t run into any surprises like we just did now.” I said. I hastily typed in commands. A screen popped up with a bunch of windows on it. Each window had a different sector number. The windows went from static to clear shots of a view from a security camera in the sector. One screen showed a room where the floor had been completely submerged in bodies and blood. Another with demons eating a corpse from something I couldn’t tell if it was human or monster. “If we can find out where the hell they are coming from, we can put an end to this!” I yelled. I looked at a window farther down the screen. There was a slab of concrete with a pentagram etched on it. I didn’t know what it was. It looked strangely familiar, but I couldn’t remember. “We’d better get moving. This place is freakin me out.” Mark said. I nodded. We got our gear, and headed for the exit.

[Naked Snake]

PARAGRAPHS MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK THEM!?

[imgonnagetcha]

do i SPEAK paragraphs? of course.

[DOOM Anomaly]

imgonnagetcha said:

do i SPEAK paragraphs? of course.

ok...Then what BBG means is, he advises you use them, so its a smigen easier to read.

[imgonnagetcha]

aah ic. I'll get right at it. Sorry bout that!

[Epyo]

Creepy.

[dsm]

All right, I've edited your post adding paragraphs to it for you - just so you know how it's supposed to be done.

As for the story: You have some cool ideas and are pretty good at making the setting creepy, but I think the story picks up way too fast. It seems to me like they barely get inside the base before they're attacked a demon and disturbing sights.

At least I wouldn't have done it like that. I'd have written it so that they enter the base to find it deserted at first except from a few inhuman sounds that our heroes can't really place, all to build up tension and suspense.

You did the tension-building nicely while our heroes were in the transport craft, but there needs to be a bit of tension inside the base too imo.