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Death itself cannot die PART 4

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Here it is. Comments please!


A cold wind blew from the long corridor we were walking down. Venus stopped.

“We rest here.” She said.

We sat down on the stairs. Rocky pulled out a flask. He opened the lid and sipped it slowly. He pointed the flask at me.

“Scotch?” he offered.

I raised my hand and shook it.

“No thanks. Not a drinker.”

Rocky looked shocked.

“A tough guy like you doesn’t drink? I must be dreaming” Rocky teased.

I managed to snicker for the first time in a while. It wasn’t like me. To laugh at a time like this. I lay back and stared at the ceiling. I shivered as another cold wind blew past us.

“Ok, that’s enough rest. Let’s get moving.” Venus said.

We got up from resting and our feet started moving again. We continued down the cold corridor until we met a fork.

“Kazi, Rocky and Mark, you three move left. A.J.? You and I got the right side.” Venus ordered.

I nodded. Venus and I slowly walked down the hall. We peeked into a room that was filled with the same type of creature that attacked Venus in the labs.


There were at least 15 of them. I rose my gun to fire when Venus pushed it down.

“You moron! Don’t fire! You’ll kill both of us.” She whispered loudly.

“What do we do then?” I asked.

“… We find a way past. Come here.” Venus pointed to her left.

There was a small room with a window leading to the place with the Mancubuses. I snuck towards it, and Venus followed shortly after. I leaned against the wall opposite the window. A computer was posted underneath the window. Venus pointed to it.

“Input the code to lower the ceiling.” She whispered.

I punched in the code, and the ceiling slowly lowered. The Mancubuses looked up and made an assortment of barking noises. The ceiling soon reached the floor with loud crushing sounds. The ceiling raised and pieces of the monsters were still stuck to the ceiling. The floor was covered in blood and organs and the ceiling reached the top.

“Let’s go.” Venus said.

We stepped down from the room and our feet sank into the piles of crushed bones, flesh and organs. Blood dripped from the ceiling in huge quantities. We entered through a huge doorway witch made a loud noise when we opened it. There was the symbol on the camera.

Meanwhile, Mark, Kazi and Rocky had problems of their own. Hundreds of Imps were hurling fireballs from a distance. The guys were hiding behind boxes. They weren’t a good cover, as the fireballs were burning them quickly.

“SHIT! WE GOTTA FIND A NEW COVER SPOT!” yelled Mark. The loud explosions of the fireballs drowned his voice out. Kazi leaned from the corner of the boxes and fired a shot of his BFG into the distance, killing a large portion of the Imps, and wounding others.


Rocky fired off more rounds from his chaingun, killing the remaining Imps. He stood up and pointed his gun into the next hall, just in case some Imps were still alive.


Mark heard his radio beep. He answered it.

“Yeah?” he said into his phone.

“Mark! It’s A.J. Get your Asses down here. We found it.”

“Roger that. We’re on our way.” Mark said.

He hung up his phone.

Venus sat down against the wall. She removed her helmet, and sighed.

“It gets stuffy in there after a while, huh?” she said calmly.

I nodded, removing my helmet as well. I pulled a pack of gum from my suit. I popped a piece in my mouth.

“Want some?” I asked Venus.

“Sure.” She reached over and took a piece.

We both sat there motionless and silent for what seemed like hours. The only noise heard was the barks and growls in the far distance. Venus looked up.

“You make a good Red Falcon, A.J.” she exclaimed. “Your father would be proud.”

I sighed. “My father was a marine. He… was killed a while back in a battle on Diemos.”

Venus looked at me. “Oh… I, uh, I’m sorry.” She said quietly.

“Don’t be. It’s all right. He died trying to help stop some of these monsters a while ago. He taught me all about the demons and creatures he encountered through letters. That’s how I know some of their names.” I explained.

Venus swallowed her gum as a look of fear suddenly spread on her face. I felt hot breath flowing down the back of my neck. I turned slowly.

I saw a large floating creature with one green eye staring back at me. It was red and had 4 white horns protruding from it’s head. Its enormous teeth filled its wide grin. It was drooling profusely. It screeched a horrible, deafening noise as it hurled a purple and red fireball at us.

We jumped out of the way as the projectile blew up onto the floor. I pulled out my chain gun and emptied bullet after bullet into the creature. It flew back a far way and it’s face suddenly burst and it’s blue, slimy insides were revealed. Its horns snapped from its head like a twig, and the green eye rolled out of its socket and landed on the floor, spilling green pus everywhere.

I fell to the ground. I have had enough of this now. I wanted to leave. I wanted to just scream my ass off. In fact, I did.


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Hey, hey, hey, slow down on the writing. I also need time to comment and time to link to these stories in the index :-)

Anyways, this part is quite interesting too, but there's a few things:

We peeked into a room that was filled with the same type of creature that attacked Venus in the labs.


Huh? Did I miss something or what? I remember that the creature that attacked Venus was a fast creature that leapt on top of her clawing away at her - judging by that description I'd say that it had been an imp. It sure as Hell couldn't be a mancubus.

Also, I'm not too fond of your 'love' for the capslock key, yes, the troops are supposed to scream, but it gets a bit annoying to read if they scream with all-caps all the time. Just to point out that I think you should be a bit more cautious in your use of capslock in the stories.

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imgonnagetcha said:

And im sorry bout the caps lock, but it adds effect. :p

You tell me - I use it myself for the very same purpose. I wasn't saying that you should completely quit using it, merely that you should limit your use of it.

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Funny; i was always told to stay away from caps when writing creatively - and to use italics and/or exclamations instead, when the situation required.

I admire the ferocity with which you're writing this - it certainly seems to be a passionate work. However, your zeal may be letting you down;

The sentence structure is a bit jarring, while other sentences are somewhat simplistic. Try making better use of commas and semicolons to divide up longer pieces rather than using several small passages ; this will help the passages flow, reading much easier.

There are some spelling mistakes that go hand-in-hand with fan-fiction, but i think that yours may be due to writing a little too quickly.

In short, try slowing down the writing, taking more time to structure what you've written. It's all well and good to have a great idea, but if it's not presented properly, the effect is lost; after all, it's not a speedwriting contest :)

Hope this helps...

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Spike said:

Funny; i was always told to stay away from caps when writing creatively - and to use italics and/or exclamations instead, when the situation required.

The problem here is that I use italics to mark thoughts - I have considered using italics for shouting in the past but reached the conclusions that italics was strictly for thoughts.

I know that capslock does not look too pretty in a story, that's why I limit it as much as possible.

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