Funny Stories

[Murdoch]

Have been meaning to start this discussion for a while. Billy Connolly has always been my favourite comedian. I love how most of his humour focuses not on jokes but funny stories, those flukes of fate where events happen that you could never have anticipated, no comedy writer could have ever concocted, and you remember forever and retell when the time seems right. I would love to hear some from you guys. I will start with a couple of my own.

 

Way back when, my Dad and I were out trout fishing with lures at one of our favourite spots. I cast out and got what I thought was a snag. My line would not move at all, so I began pulling to try and dislodge it. I dislodged the lure, and up jumped a trout as if to say "Sucker!". "Huh", thought young I. And then it happened again some casts later - suspected snag, pull, smartass trout jumps up (one hopes not the same one), and I was left annoyed. So the next it happened, I did nothing, merely kept tension on the line. Sure enough the fish gave up and began to panic. This time, I landed it successfully, rather proud of myself.

 

Until I remembered I was being proud of myself for outsmarting a creature with a brain barely the size of my big toe...

 

The next took place in Richmond, a now not insubstantial technically suburb of Nelson, on the north edge of New Zealand's South Island. My place was on the main road, but far back in a more residential spot of it. One day I went to get myself some groceries. It was a short walk up the main road to the mall where the supermarket was so I simply took a sports bag to carry what I needed. I was passing a travel agent when this guy walked up to me and asked me the best question a random stranger has ever asked me.

 

"Excuse me, do you have a sawn off shotgun I can borrow?"

 

I briefly froze, wondering what the hell I had just trundled into. But then I got the joke. I was holding my sports bag by the straps down at my side. Now think of every action movie ever where people have carried guns in bags and they hold them in the same way, down at their sides. So I replied "No, I just have the .22 with me today, I am on an assassination mission, I left the shotgun at home." He responded "Aw damn I was wanting to show that guy over there who's boss", motioning to a plastic statue of a pilot with a stupidly cheesy grin doubling as a flier holder outside the aforementioned travel agent. I laughed and he thanked me for playing along with his joke and off we went.

 

So what can you guys share along these lines?

[ReX]

2 hours ago, Murdoch said:

a creature with a brain barely the size of my big toe...

If your big toes look like this, then maybe you ought not to feel so bad:

 

[Murdoch]

5 hours ago, ReX said:

If your big toes look like this, then maybe you ought not to feel so bad:

 

 

 

Sadly, no.

[ReX]

1 hour ago, Murdoch said:

 

Sadly, no.

Although, you'd have to admit, that would make a funny story (in keeping with your original post).

[Murdoch]

7 minutes ago, ReX said:

Although, you'd have to admit, that would make a funny story (in keeping with your original post).

 

The custom shoe bills would be a nightmare.

[ReX]

1 minute ago, Murdoch said:

The custom shoe bills would be a nightmare.

Now that's funny!

[Scrabbs]

I had a friend who was robbed. He had a Wii and they stole it and all the games. Except for Sonic and the Secret Rings, the game was so bad the robbers didn't even want it

[Murdoch]

2 minutes ago, Scrabbs said:

I had a friend who was robbed. He had a Wii and they stole it and all the games. Except for Sonic and the Secret Rings, the game was so bad the robbers didn't even want it

 

Gold. I had not heard of this one, though I am well familiar with the infamous Sonic '06 thanks to AVGN.

[Scrabbs]

1 minute ago, Murdoch said:

 

Gold. I had not heard of this one, though I am well familiar with Sonic '06 thanks to AVGN.

Imagine every stereotype and straw man argument against the Wii being a gimmicky piece of shit multiply it by a 100, condense it into a single game, and then put an arabian nights skin on it. That is Sonic and the Secret Rings

[Murdoch]

4 minutes ago, Scrabbs said:

Imagine every stereotype and straw man argument against the Wii being a gimmicky piece of shit multiply it by a 100, condense it into a single game, and then put an arabian nights skin on it. That is Sonic and the Secret Rings

 

Yikes.

[Gokuma]

Here's a good time I confused a bullshitter and others....   The BSer is asking someone what's a 7 letter word spelled the same forwards and backwards.   The guy is trying to think and the BSer says "C'mon, Mike got it right away."   That was news to me.   So the guy whispers to me, "What is it?"   I just walked into this but without missing a beat I told him "deleveled."    Then he immediately says back to the BSer real loud something like, "No way he got that right away!"    Then that just threw the BSer through a loop wondering WTF.    I don't think he knew an answer, because whatever it really was supposed to be was never mentioned.  And I gave them a 9 letter word.

[Yandere_Doomer]

Hm, well... i was hitting a wiffle ball with a wiffle bat.. My parents and our dogs were outside too. I went to retrieve to ball, when all of a sudden one of our dogs chased me and started tackling me and humping my leg...

 

one time when he tackled me i said "No!" 

my grandfather said "Say it like you mean it!!"
 

I then yelled out "No!" more aggresively

 

then the dog bit my balls and latched on... [not very hard though, thankfully]

 

i was yelling loudly "Aaaagh!! my balls!!!!"

 

then my parents started laughing.

 

we all had a good laugh after that... no damage done....

 

[xX_Lol6_Xx]

My parents, my brother and I were in the backyard taking some sun, and my dog was there with us. We say how a cat was walking on the wall (you know, like doomguy in the chasm) and my dog just got frozen, staring at the cat. The cat started running and my dog followed him. Luckily she didn't escape. Another funny but scary thing that happened to my dog was this: My dad, brother and I were coming back from the park with my dog, we were in a street where cars are fast as fuck, so we had to be careful. But my dog's chain broke and she ran across the street and almost got hit by a car. The funny thing is that my dad started chasing her, and he eventually lead her to our house. There my mom catched the dog. I must say it was an interesting experience.

[Geniraul]

Note: in Slovak "rozvrh" means "timetable" while "rozum" stays for "mind".

 

It was back in 2018 on a musical festival in Slovakia. I was enjoying a live performance by one of the artists when a couple (or maybe they were siblings) invited me for a beer. I had to be on time to attend the concerts of all the interprets whose art I wanted to discover, and that is why I had created my individual schedule in advance, where I had mentioned all the necessary singers, scenes, time of concert starts and time for me to arrive to each scene.

 

Expectedly, the music was playing very loud, so when they asked me whether I wanted to go with them for a beer, I shook my head sadly and replied, "I have a timetable." ("Mám rozvrh.") They could not hear it because of the basses, so I repeated the sentence a few more times. Apparently, they heard it as "Mám rozum.", which means "I have a mind.", so the guy asked the girl, "What did he say?" and she answered, "That he has a mind?..." Then they waited a bit looking at each other and the guy said: "He has neither mind nor soul", whereupon they left.

 

Sometimes I really wish the music in live performances wasn't so loud, heh.

[tatsu91]

As a kid i got jumped by this kid on a bicycle in the middle of winter as i walked down the road. Their was no one else but me and the kid on the bike. As i passed him He Yelled and demanded i pull my pants down. He was three times my size so i obliged not knowing any better thinking it was weird. He then proceeds to Flick me on the nose super hard and then ride off i never understood what was the point? what was his goal their was no one else so it could not be humilation i have never forgotten it as it is the strangest thing to happen walking around as a kid.