Jokes a day early

[Biffy]

Won't make you wait for Friday this time for a TGIF installment....



A man stood at the pearly gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter leafed through the big book to confirm he was worthy of entering.


Saint Peter went through the book twice and then furrowed his brow. "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."


The man thought for a moment. "Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl."


"Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

"Really?" Said St. Peter. "I'm impressed. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."




Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"




A guy is out fishing too long.

He's racing home over a bridge doing eighty when a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over. The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late."

The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"

The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"

The guy says, "People call me when they need to be stretched. I go to their house, start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them apart, farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across."

The cop says, "What the hell do they do with a six foot asshole?"

The guy says, "They give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."



Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."




Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at
seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old says, "At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."





On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.





Two blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.





Two cowboys from Arizona [or was it Oklahoma?} walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. "No," signals the woman, desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This so shocks the woman she has a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I ain't never seen nobody do it 'til today!"





The irony of the rat race explained

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, " But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, play a little golf and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life. "

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers."

"Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, play golf, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"

[Alientank]

Only read a few but funny nonetheless

[Remilia Scarlet]

Ok, I've got one I seen on a site:

Signs and Slogans:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

[Use]

Alientank said:

Only read a few but funny nonetheless

what's with you and reading?

[mmnpsrsoskl]

One day in class, Littke Johnny's teacher asked everyone to get up in front of the class and tell them what their father's did.

Everyone got up, telling about how their father is a fireman or a politician and so on.

Then came Little Johnny's turn. He got up and said :

"My dad is a gay stripper. He takes off his clothes in front of other men to show off his penis. He makes lots of money that way. I love my dad!"

Johnny's teacher became concerned and asked Johnny later what his dad really did.

"Well, honestly, he plays for the English Cricket team but I didn't want everyone to know..."

Heh. Cricket, teh sport of weirdness.

[IMJack]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances
Love, Bubba

[Amaster]

This one's not much of a joke but its silly nonetheless.
In upper east Manhattan, theres a restaurant called "Eat Here Now".